So…since my promise to get back on track over 2 years ago in December 2009 following a further relapse (see above), things did not entirely go to plan (life has a funny way of doing that to you) and I am now almost where I started. Having weighed myself on Wednesday, 4 January 2012, I am now a whopping 101.1kg, having got down to approximately 86kg in November 2009.
So what happened? Admittedly (and in retrospect), it was a number of things - most of them being positive developments. I moved back to my home country of the Cayman Islands on 20 November 2009 to practise law at a local law firm. Then…I met my soul mate in August 2010, got engaged on 25 December 2010 and married in August 2011. What a difference a year (or in my case 2!) makes!
When I returned to the Cayman Islands in November 2009, I was still on a fitness and nutrition high, and continued to do as much as I could to maintain the momentum I had gained since September 2009. Even though moving to a new jurisdiction (and new culture) presented new challenges, I (initially) dealt with them fairly well, continuing to run and exercise and making healthy choices when food shopping. I should pause here to add that the food shopping thing was initially quite traumatic, as I had moved from London, which has AMAZING food choices in terms of healthy, organic and whole foods, to the Cayman Islands, which although better than it was many years ago, is relatively limited. So I had to get used to a whole new way of selecting food and working with what was available. Fitness wise, I continued running and eventually joined a running club. I took part in several organised runs and also joined the gym, which kept me honest. In about May 2010, things started to fall apart (my weight crept up to 90.9kg) as I attended the running club sessions less, and got more relaxed about my food choices. Traditional Caribbean food is YUMMY (but exceedingly calorific! And the occasional ‘lapeses’ into eating rich dishes became the norm rather than the exception. And my weight crept up. By July 2010, I knew I had to take drastic steps to “pull it back”, so I resolved to run my first ever half marathon in December 2010. I prepared a detailed training schedule and took part in two 4 week long boot camp courses in August and September 2010. I also hired a personal trainer for the month of September 2010 and was making great progress.
But something even more amazing happened during that period: on a flight during a short holiday to visit my Grandmother in Jamaica, I met the most amazing man who would become my husband in August 2011. In terms of my fitness, falling deeply in love (and relatively quickly) did not have a major impact initially because my other half was living in Jamaica and I was in the Cayman Islands. However, as our relationship deepened and I took more trips to Jamaica to visit, I became slightly more relaxed. In retrospect, I think the only thing that saved me was the fact I had a half marathon to run in December 2010 and I was determined to accomplish that particular goal. I am pleased to say I did just that, and although I was still heavier than I would have liked (after all part of the reason I wanted to run the half marathon was to continue on my weight loss journey but with an actual goal). By Christmas my (now) husband asked me to marry him and we were engaged. It was an incredibly exciting time and every time I think about it now my heart skips a beat. Little did we know that 2011 was to be a year of immense challenges.
We started 2011 extremely happy and optimistic - initially thinking of planning an intimate wedding in Jamaica for April 2011 but later settling on August 2011. As I have mentioned elsewhere on this blog, I have wanted to be a Mother as long as I can remember, and with time (and age - I am now 37), this desire intensified. It became even stronger once I met my husband because I knew he was “the One” and I could not imagine having anyone else be the Father of my children. So…I found out I was pregnant in early February 2011, but sadly I suffered a miscarriage about 10 days later. It was beyond devastating but I tried to look at the positives, namely that I could conceive (I was 36 at the time), and that I did not suffer any major health setbacks. Weight-wise, I was approximately 95kg. About 9kg more than I was when I first arrived back in Cayman in November 2009 (around a 20lb weight gain). There was clearly a trend emerging and I needed to nip it in the bud. One of the promises I had made to myself was that I never wanted to be the FAT bride, so in preparation for our wedding in 6 months, I decided to hire a personal trainer in March 2010 and (yet again) get back on track. Initially, it started out very positively and I was encouraged by the strength I had and the progress I was making in terms of overall fitness. The trainer I worked with is a female body builder so put slightly more emphasis on strength training than cardio. That being said, she encouraged me undertaking a HIIT run on the treadmill after our sessions, which often included a large element of cardio (i.e. kettle bell swings and circuit training on various weight machines). However, I was less encouraged by my weight loss, which seemed very slow to me. I have a fairly muscular and classic mesomorph build (but obviously with significant fat deposits). My trainer did not seem sympathetic, understanding or willing to talk (more on this another time), and I became increasingly frustrated with my apparent lack of progress. On the home front, my (then) fiance was back in Jamaica but was preparing to come back in April 2010. So…I worked hard at making sure I looked great when he saw me again.
[SIDEBAR: One of the things I love MOST about my husband is the fact that he is incredibly supportive of me no matter what size I am - those of you who read my first blog post will know what a tremendous change this makes for me as I have never before been in this kind of relationship.]
By the time my fiance came back to Cayman in April 2011, my training sessions had just about finished and funds were tight as we were now in “hardcore” wedding planning mode. In addition, my trainer was entering a body building competition and I found she was increasingly distracted. To cut a long story short, I stopped training with her and I never heard from her again. To be fair, the onus was also on me, but as you will see, life took another interesting turn.
Clearly, I must have been making SOME kind of progress in terms of my health and overall fitness, because by the end of April/early May 2011, my husband (”D”) and I found out we were pregnant again! Less than 3 months after my miscarriage in February 2011. I must confess that initially I had so many mixed feelings because I didn’t want to get too excited given our earlier miscarriage and I was nervous and anxious about being a pregnant bride. I feel a bit guilty admitting those thoughts, but I now see that with where I was emotionally in terms of body image and weight loss, these were normal thoughts and in no way was a reflection on the immense love I had for the little life growing inside of me. D and I were over the moon with happiness once we heard our baby’s heartbeat and could not wait to get married. In terms of weight management, as I was still over my goal weight (I was 95.9kg when I got pregnant in May 2011), my immediate goal was to limit my weight gain as much as possible. This was easier than I thought, and I was hugely motivated by wanting to be as healthy as possible for my little one. Life was a little stressful while planning the wedding (to be expected), but I was incredibly happy and full of optimism. Sadly however, the untimely passing of my husband’s father (perhaps a sign of things to come) at the end of May 2011 but a damper on things and D had to fly back to Jamaica in June 2011 to help with the funeral arrangements for his father. My pregnancy progressed extremely well, and my monthly scans were the highlight of my life during the summer. I could not wait to see the images of our little baby dancing around and sometimes waving back at me. It was pure bliss.
A few days before our wedding in August, I had a scheduled amniocentesis, which went according to plan. However, a few hours before I was to board the flight to Jamaica for our wedding, I went into premature labour. I had developed an infection which caused my uterus to contract uncontrollably. Although my OB/GYN was able to get it under contol to allow me to board the flight, my labour pains continued. Devastatingly, we lost our little boy just shy of 20 weeks the day before we exchanged vows. I don’t wish to say more about save that it was the most heartbreaking experience of my life. Period. Coincidentally, our son’s estimated due date was today (6 January 2012). We are still grieving but it is also right to say it has gotten a little easier with the passing months.
So where did this leave me in terms of overall weight loss and fitness? I can’t really blame my current weight (now a whopping 101.kg = 31 lb weight gain since I arrived in Cayman on November 2009) on my pregnancy, as I gained all of 10 lb during the pregnancy, virtually all of which was lost within 3 weeks of giving birth prematurely. I think what really happened was that my husband and I went into “comfort” mode, which for us meant cooking the food we loved and drinking the wine we enjoyed. My husband wanted to protect and comfort me, and I also, to a large extent, used what happened as an excuse to let myself go. Although we started running twice a week in October 2011 as a way to get on track (and were enjoying it), by November 2011, we had slacked off again. It was not until a hurtful comment made by my mother (that always does it), and no longer able to deny that virtually none of my clothes fit the way they should (a fact my husband gracefully does not acknowledge every time I ask him to zipper me into an obviously too-tight dress - LOVE him), I myself had to accept that I had yet again fallen off the wagon.
I am still trying to work out the reasons why I have ended back at this place. I am honestly confused about whether it is the journey or destination which matters. I think the politically correct response is “the journey”, but I DO want to get my destination of a healthy weight (for me anything between 150 - 175lb [68 - 78kg])! Other issues include that I would like to get pregnant again, so we have started trying again, but I would like to be on the smaller side once I do because healthwise, I know it will be better for me and my baby if I am smaller and healthier. So…in the meantime, I have gone back to what works. Calorie counting and using my GoWearFit (GWF) device which tracks movement, steps, exercise and sleep (!). For now, I am simply trying to get my nutrition on track. I have previously identified this as my greatest challenge and it remains true now. Even harder is integrating this lifestyle when you share a home (and life) with someone else. As supportive as my husband is, weight is not and has never been an issue for him (he is actually small-medium build), and I LOVE his cooking! Lol. So the extreme calorie counting methods will not always work as we like to enjoy at least an evening meal together which I realise I will have to try and be relaxed about. I will post more about the challenges of trying to lose weight in this scenario as the days and weeks progress, as this is potentially a huge issue which I am sure is faced by many. I am absolutely NOT complaining though; I have the most loving and supportive partner I could ask for, and he is generally happy as long as I am happy, and I thank God for him every day.
So…I have now set my internal “RESET” button. Starting from scratch (yet again)…
Posted on January 6th, 2012 by ukbarristerchick
Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »
(tempting though it will be), but just to lull my body into a false sense of security (how mean) in order that I can hopefully see a some weight loss over the next few weeks. I’ve found thus far that the extra food I’m consuming actually doesn’t fill the emotional gap it once did…I honestly feel a bit bloated and gross. Hmmmmm….