Blub-a-chub-chub and a wee bit personal!

Soooo I’m back. Kinda. This past month has been one thing after another. A few emotional breakdowns here, a couple mental breakdowns there, followed by the stress of keeping a roof over my babies heads brings me to here:

We moved to AZ from WA at the end of April and have been just making it by the Grace of God, old friends, new friends, and family. We had planned for this move since January of last year and had everything figured out. Then things started to fall through. “That’s O.K”, we thought, “we’ll go X day and everything will be fine”! Next thing we know, our savings had dwindled down to scarily low numbers and we realized if we didn’t go right then, we probably wouldn’t end up going. You see, the past two years we have been trying to survive off of $9.65/hr to feed, clothe, and care for a family of four. We did it, barely, but realized this is not going to cut it long term. That’s why Ben & I decided he would attend UTI in AZ. Kind of our last chance to turn our life around and make some positive changes. As of July, we would no longer have a place to live in Washington anyway so we figured if we were going to be homeless, we may as well be getting an education while we’re at it! So armed with faith and a few bucks in the bank we drove down. We were very blessed to say the least! Bens school was able to get us into an Extended Stay hotel and we’ve been living off of his financial aid check and help from my mama. Food wise all we could afford is sandwich’s (ham and cheese), chips, and budget gourmet dinners (not the individuals, the kind that’s supposed to feed 4 people; Totally gross BTW). So any semblance of a diet was totally out the window.

So as of now, we’re teetering on the edge but haven’t gone over the ledge. Our rent is good for another month so no shelters yet (yay). Hopefully I can find a job (I’ve been applying like a mad woman) and things will become stable. I feel comfortable enough now to start focusing on health again. Exercise isn’t going to be easy with watching 2 boys under the age of three and the size of the room but it IS possible. The good news that’s come out of all this is after going through that, dieting doesn’t seem so challenging now. After all the difficult decisions and panic attacks about homeless shelters, deciding not to eat a candy bar doesn’t seem so difficult! See? There is always a silver lining! So I am back to the 1300 calories per day and exercising for at least 30 minutes a day. I don’t have a scale so I don’t know where my weight stands which is probably a good thing. My first goal is to start back up with the updates. Keep myself in check, have a place to vent a bit. And as always, any support is appreciated. Night all! See you tomorrow.


Weigh in and “Tip-a-cop”

OK, So I’m being a little melodramatic with the “agh!” thing. This past week has kind of been ho-hum. I’ll make bad choices but still stay within my calories. I have also been skipping out on my workout because all I have is the B.L Cardio Max and I am craving change. So I have gained 2 lbs and am at 303. Not the right direction, but given this past week, could have been a lot worse.

I think my biggest problem is that I’ve become complacent. I’ll get to the point where I’ll think “I’ve lost some weight so even if I gain, it wont be as bad as before“. I think me having this bad week is a good thing; It allowed me to learned something new about myself so I know what to watch out for. It enables me to keep moving forward. I didn’t get this size by having a healthy mentality about food. So now that I’m making this change, I have a thousand little hurdles to recognize and jump over. I can’t allow myself to feel guilty for it because guilt leads to sadness and sadness leads to compulsive eating for us emotional eaters. So my mind set is make the mistake, recognize it, fix it, move on. It’s slightly empowering.  Now if I can get to the point where I recognize the mistake BEFORE I make it, that would be cool.

So I’ve planned out my meals today and will actually come in about 1230. 70 less then my allowed! It’s also my healthy food with whole grains, chicken, vegetables and fruit, not 1230 calories of pizza!

Tomorrow Red Robin is doing the “Tip a cop” (Google or Bing it for your location). Local law enforcement come in and act as waiters and give their tips to the Special Olympics. I believe Red Robin also donates it’s proceeds to the cause as well. I will be going to support them but am doing something I’ve never done before. I’m planning! I Googled “Red Robin calorie menu” and found . Played around with it and found my “usual” guacamole bacon burger w/ fries is 1593 calories! For ONE meal! That’s more then I allow myself all day! Holy crap! After some searching, I found that I am going to have the “Lettuce Wrap your burger” with no tomatoes (I’m allergic) and a side salad with balsamic vinagrette and it comes in at 592 calories! If you use this site, I suggest you use the real Red Robin site as well so you can see what the meal actually looks like. On the calorie menu it looks plain and gross, but on the real menu it looks great! I’m very excited! I’m going to plan my other meals around that tonight and I know tomorrow, I will be able to go out to eat, support a GREAT cause, and still stay healthy. What a great feeling. NOW I feel as if I’m in control.

Please try to make this event tomorrow. If you’re watching what you eat, this site not only give calories but carb counts, total of fat, etc. And hopefully this may inspire other people to make wise decisions. You CAN go out, just be prepared.

Living high and loving life today!


I want to live where the soul meets body…

Listening to a little Death cab for cutie while writing; thus the inspiration for my title.

Today has been good so far. Had to go to work source and while that wasn’t fun, it was kinda nice getting out and having something to do. I by no means miss my old job, but I do miss schedule and structure. Anyway. Last night went well. I stayed on plan and had no cheats. Today I get a treat! I missed breakfast and two snacks so for lunch I got to have sushi! Yay for yummy sushi. Best thing about it is that it keeps me super full. I consumed about 550-600 calories so I still have 700 left for dinner and dessert, more than enough!

On the exercise front, I’m getting bored with the biggest loser. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great workout but I need to mix it up a bit. Like I said in my last blog, I really wanted to get a step but can’t find any for less then $35! I just want a basic, foam step. The ones at Target, Walmart and Big 5 are all these fancy brand name ones that you can adjust the height on. That’s great and all but not what I need. Any ideas where to find one?  Will update tomorrow. Thanks for reading guys!


Off days!

Hey there! I’ve hit a speed bump and can feel myself slidding off course. Yesterday was a low. All the stress’s just kinda hit me at once. I wasn’t even hungry; I just kinda felt like “why bother?” I didn’t want to come on here and blog about it because I knew that if I did, I would stay on track and that was one more thing I’d have to worry about. There’s so little I can control these days, I feel like eating is the only thing. I can eat what I want, when I want, how ever much I want. So there!

VERY FLAWED THINKING. I know. So I’m on here now. Trying to make that change. To prove to myself that I CAN do this, even in the hardest of times. My hopes are the next time I feel that way I will tell myself that if I want to prove I’m in control, to STAY in control. Because overeating is losing control and will only make me feel worse. I still had that mindset this morning and already did some damage BUT, I’m going to put it behind me and just make better choices for the rest of the day. All I can do. Anyway. I’m not weighing myself today. Not after what I’ve just done and what I went through yesterday. I think seeing that would only be counter productive. To get back to good, I would like to “treat” myself with a step. I loved step day in aerobics class and could feel/see the difference so maybe tomorrow I’ll go pick up one with a video. Get excited about exercising. Make a schedule for myself. Get back some control of my life and push play. I’m sick of living in pause. Will update either later today or tomorrow. Thanks for being there. Sorry for letting anyone down. I can do this. Watch me!


Whoo Hoo!

So today is one of thoooosssseeee days where I just wanna eat EVERYTHING. Healthy, unhealthy, hot, cold, cheesy, salty, chocolaty, doesn’t matter just put it on a plate and serve it up damn it! But I stayed strong and am doing good. I have a lot of support and people cheering me on so they help make it easy. It really helps to not be going alone on this.

Yesterday I stayed within my calories and did 30 minutes of The Biggest Loser Cardio Max and only took ONE small break (like 1-2 minutes to gasp for air)! Very proud of myself! I ate a small lunch and breakfast and had no snacks so I was able to have a slice (OK, two) of Papa Murphys Veggie deLite pizza (add chicken) and a garden side salad and my daily caloric intake was only 1280! I was stoked! Eating pizza while still being a good girl? Awesome!

Today is kind of a scary day, as I said above. I woke up a little late so in my mind I had to “catch up” and ate my first snack WITH my breakfast, and then I ate my lunch two hours later and REALLY wanted my second snack so I ate that too… Within 3 1/2 hours, I ate 4 meals. Holy $#!&! So I’m drinking water like a mad woman and gave it my all with the Cardio DVD and guess what? I didn’t stop once! Fatty Victory! I just sucked down water as we were marching and kept on. After working out and sweating that hard, I don’t want to eat anymore. I worked out too hard to blow it on jalapeno poppers! My old mindset was “I worked out, so now I can have them”, now it’s “I worked out, so now I don’t want them”. Yay. Baby steps.

I’m going to haul my wide load upstairs (agghh) now and reward myself with a bubble bath and reading. Then off to walk around the super mall (more calories burned, yay) with my sister. Thanks guys for being there!

My before photo!

As hard as it is to not only put on my bathing and take a picture, it’s even harder to post it for anyone to see. BUT I told myself I would and am hoping it will be the motivation I’m needing. Knowing that THIS is what everyone sees every summer is depressing and motivating all wrapped up in one. So, here we go! I will take a picture this time every month, same bathing suit, same place, etc. Forewarning, appetite spoiler ahead!


Didn’t get around to publishing the picture yesterday (your welcome) but I will get to it later today (I’m sorry).

Yesterday I got out to a rough start but learned something about myself; I have a harder time making good choices in the morning because that’s when my sweet tooth is strongest and my mind is weakest! I had eaten FOUR cookies before I had even realized what I’d done. That measured to be 360 (totally empty) calories right off the bat… DAMN IT! Oh well, I picked up the pieces and budgeted my meals around those big boys.

For a mid morning snack I had a grapefruit at 75 cal; Lunch was a Smart Ones at 360; Dinner was Bertollis and cottage cheese at 490 calories bringing me to 1285. 15 less then my allotted 1300. Without those cookies, I could have had my usual breakfast (1 cup Special K w/ 1 cup NF milk), an apple for mid-afternoon AND  a 100 calorie snack pack for dessert. LOVE the hostess cupcake ones…MmmMMmm. Anyway, they totally through off my day so I’m learning from that mistake (YAY). I only got in 48 ozs of water though so I was disappointed in that.

My day is starting out well. Had my breakfast, am drinking my water and am about to do my B.L DVD again. Wanted to weigh myself today but wont allow me too. I will weigh myself on Sunday mornings and no other time. I don’t want to get discouraged because I only lost 1 lb today; Would rather be elated to wait a week and see a 7 lb weight loss! I know I wont always lose so much but that’s OK. What I’m going off of is how I FEEL, because that’s more important then the scale.

I’m off to do my workout. Will be back later to update and post my starting picture.


Here we go!

Lets start this by saying this isn’t my first attempt at losing weight. Having been heavy since age 11, I’ve tried just about everything. Unfortunately, I choose to eat my feelings rather than deal with them so I never made it very far. I also am VERY talented at lying to myself and refuse to see how big I REALLY am. Then someone shows you a picture and it’s hard to deny that second chin making itself at home with the first. But I’m ready for a change and feel I’m at a good spot to make one.

So here we go with the painful honesty. I’m 23, 5’3 and 301 pounds. As of 3/19/2010 I started watching calories and doing a little bit of exercising and dropped 11 lbs (started at 312lbs) so I’ve got some momentum going. I do best with 5 lbs goals. I find it easier to stay motivated as I check off those little milestones. My ideal weight is in the 125-135 area considering my height, activity level and smaller frame.

A number of things have driven me to my snapping point. First being that my son is now 6 months old and I’m still shopping at motherhood maternity and refuse to give up my maternity jeans. Second is looking at photos of myself with my boys and having to crop myself out because of this roll or the second chin. Third big one is when I refer to myself as a gelatinous mass of flesh and fat and people laugh, but don’t disagree! Bastards…

My hopes in starting this blog would be people holding me accountable. I’d feel like an idiot saying all these things, then eating a bacon & bleau burger from Wendys. I’m hoping to update daily, logging and owning up to what I eat and what kind of exercise I did that day and make new buddies going through the same things.

Starting tomorrows blog, I will be posting a picture once a month just so I can visually track my weight loss. Holy Lord, it’s going to be in my bathing suit (which is TOTALLY maternity, by the way). So if you have a strong stomach accompanied by a good sense of humor, I’d love to go through this with some people who have been there or are there right now!