“‘course, this ain’t exactly plan A”

Did another 30 mins on the elliptical, added in upper body weights today.  Must control hunger, going too long without food and I get home and scarf everything in sight and then feel intense guilt.  Body is starting to ache a little today and it’s only day 2 of actual exercise!

I did 30 mins on the elliptical today, tomorrow i’m going to start on the weights.  It felt so strange to push my body, it was like this pleasant sort of “hum”, and it’s that feeling that i’m going to grasp on to tomorrow when my mind will start making excuses.  I think i’m just a little intimidated to go to the weights area near all the uber-fit people, and I know that nobody will be rude or anything, it’s just…awkward.  So I shall push past.  I even had tuna wraps for dinner, now I need to work on getting rid of the caffeine!

I love you, veggies!  I love how you make me feel!  I ate too much fried food several days in a row and I ended up craving delicious vegetables.  Man, as soon as that carrot touched my taste buds with its slightly earthy taste of goodness, I knew the abuse I had been heaping on myself.  Mmm, carrots and clementines and all sorts of delicious things that I savoured!  Oh, how I missed you!

Well, the scale tells me that I lost 7 pounds in the last few days, but that’s clearly because i’m wretchedly sick and haven’t managed to keep much down except soup yesterday.  I’m going to try solid food today, I think i’ll start with eggs and dry toast and see where it goes from there.  Until I get back to eating real food, it’s hard to say where I am weight wise so i’m just not even going to go there right now.  I have to say though, I really appreciate the support that random chickies throw my way - much appreciated!

I think I need to plan out my meals better. I had two pieces of whole grain toast for breakfast with nutella, a cinnamon raisin bagel with peanut butter for lunch, and I got home and had a bowl of cheerios to fend off the growly tummy while I made two grilled cheese sandwhiches. Writing that all out and forcing myself to read it makes it look absolutely terrible. I had no fruit or vegetables today. No wonder that I feel so absolutely crappy. And to think, I was proud that I didn’t hit up the vending machine for a snack at work. *kicks self in rear end*! Okay! My plan tomorrow is to have oatmeal and a banana for breakfast, soup and an apple for lunch, and scrambled eggs with whole grain toast for dinner. I can take a yogurt for a mid-morning snack, because that’s usually when the snacking urge starts. I feel better with a plan! Now, I just need to wake up early enough to hit the gym before work. I wish that I had a gym buddy.

My sister is getting married in three weeks.  I should be happy, ecstatic, even.  But inwardly I keep dwelling on my own selfish insecurities about how i’m going to look in that burnt orange dress next to three other stunning women.  I almost wish that she hadn’t asked me to be in the wedding party.  I’m currently in a state of panic trying to find out if I can buy a wrap off the rack that matches my dress so that I don’t have to show my pudgy arms with the splotchy bumpy skin.  I hate the insecure wreck that i’ve become hoping that I look okay on my sister’s wedding day.  Hoping that I can do up the seatbelt on the plane on the way there.  Ugh!  I need to get over myself and take the leap and just commit to being a healthier person.  I don’t know what i’m so afraid of, but I am afraid.  Is it irrational to fear that change?  I should want this, I should be actively persuing it, but what is holding me back?