Trying to get the feeling again…

That life is tied together with woven strings.  When one gets loose, it affects the other ones.  What happened in life has formed me for the better and the worse.   I understand that by not taking care of myself, I am self destructing.  No one can take care of me for me.  No one can control what I eat or why I eat.  No one can exercise for me.  It’s all up to me, baby.  And if I don’t do it or won’t do it, I am being self destructive.  I think it’s time I let go of some very bad people, the people who adopted and raised me, and the emotional effect they have on me.  It has been hard to understand the relationship we have had.  But because of them, and what they say doesn’t make me a bad person.  I can never live up to their standards because I don’t even think they know what their standards are.  I am not to blame for the bad things that happened to them in life and I don’t owe them because they took me out of foster care.   I have paid enough.  They don’t love me.  They never did.  God know I heard enough times how my adopted mother didn’t want me.  I get it.  And I get how I have let it control me all of these years.  It is okay that they are messed up.  I can’t control that.  But I can control how I let it makes me feel.  My contribution to society is becoming a teacher.  I love children.  I enjoy them.  I think they are a blessing from God.  But people have them, adopt them, and marry people who have them but they do not love them.  It has been hard understanding how my adoptive parents could abuse me and allow me to be abused.  It has been hard because it is not how I feel about children.  It is not for me to understand at this point.  It happened and I don’t have to continue on with their charade of the happy family.  There are skeletons in the closet and I will not participate in hiding them anymore. 

I need to be happy and healthy for me and those who love and depend on me.  I can’t be afraid anymore.  Onward to a happier and healthier life.  I look forward to tomorrow and cherish today.  I can’t control the past.  It is what it is. 

Hi, my name is Bobbie and I am a Jello junkie.  I just made chocolate (sugar free of course) pudding and raspberry gelatin (SF).  I did keep my grubby hands off the Good N Plenty’s at the grocery store as I stocked up on the J-E-L-L-O.  And Ann, I did get butterscotch but haven’t made that up yet.  ;  ) I also bought red grapes, blueberries, and red pears to munch on as well.  Of course there is the apples, bananas, and green pears too.  But those are so standard and not as exciting.  I looked at the strawberries but they were sad looking so I passed on them.  To balance out the fruit, I bought cucumbers, radishes, carrots, and tomatoes.   I have the scale out on the counter along with the blender, all bright, shiny and new looking.  Although looking at it right now, I may have to switch things around… You know ladies, as I was grocery shopping, I was thinking about us.  And you know what, I think we have made incredible progress over the past several months.  I know for myself,  I have completely given up white powered donuts and I used to eat those by the box full.  Not the cute little 6 pack.  The entire frackin’ box!   I hardly have a drink anymore.  Not that I was ever a big drinker but if I thought I could drink less, I am.   I totally wanted to carb out tonight because I was just fried and irritated.  But I didn’t.  I did eat a hot pocket and oven fries but that is so much better than the McDonald’s Double Cheese and large fries I would have eaten.  So here’s to us and the changes we have made.  Please pat yourself on the back right now as I can’t reach you.

I have also started drinking Chai tea.  Yummy!  Where has that been hiding?  I got one of those coffee machines that makes one cup of coffee, tea, or hot cocoa, or cappuccino.  I don’t drink coffee, but hubby does and he is allowed one cup of caffeine a day.  He agreed to the machine and it is great for me.  I bought all these teas and even decaf cappuccino.  Sure, I could boil water and soak the bag… but since we have the machine, I thought I would try the teas.  I love the Chai that’s all I have to say.  In fact, it helps when I have the Good N Plenty crave.  Damn Good N Plenty’s! I need to unload the dishwasher and the dryer and the washer.  I vacuumed the front porch today.   Got tired of the leaves and spiderwebs.  Got hubby’s ShopVac out and took it out front.  Sucked up everything that wasn’t nailed down.  Looks good.  Come to find out he blows it off and then mows it up with the mower.  LOL!  With this storm and it being winter, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon.  He hasn’t mowed since October.  Anyway, it was fun vacuuming and I shall do it again.  The cats got out of my way.  I think they thought they might be sucked up too.

Good night sweet chicks.  Sweet dreams

Boy, it’s all about mindset isn’t it?  I have finally got my mind together and am in sync with my body on the eating side of things.  It is so hard to do sometimes.  I would really like to be down to 170 by the summer.  May not be slim for the likes of the Hollywood people but for me, it would feel really good.

I make chocolate pudding (sugar free) yesterday and today I am going to make my favorite - BUTTERSCOTCH!  What a nice treat that will be.  I have also been trying different kinds of teas so that instead of eating, I can drink a cup of tea.  Decaf for the evening.  In the morning I have been drinking Chai tea.  YUMMY!  I have been totally missing out on this delight!  What a nice treat!

It’s Monday, what can I say?  I had my counseling appointment today.   It went well.  We talked mostly about my family and growing up.  With my dad being in the hospital and me going to visit everyday, it’s been stressful.  The people who raised me are not a ray of sunshine in any way, shape, or form.  I have given myself permission to NOT go to the hospital today and feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my chest.  I will call to check in and that’s all.   My daughter and granddaughter are coming by later and I will get to visit with them and enjoy their love.  It’s a much more positive experience.

I am going to watch an Oprah I recorded.  Later, I am going to do my taxes.  Oh joy!

Hugs to you my friends!

We had a Superbowl party yesterday.  What a flippin’ eating disaster that was.  I think I ate everything in sight and a little more.  Needless to say, I had such a stomachache.  I find this happens now.  I pay for the overeating in more than one way.  Back in the saddle again.  Have to.  Hubby and I are going to Hawaii at the beginning of May and I can’t be one of those ladies on the beach we giggle at.

Today I did not work even though a teacher called me and asked me to do a half day.  I hate saying no and luckily I didn’t have to because I was asleep and didn’t hear the phone ring.

Have a great day chicks!  I am going to read the paper and take a nap - again.  Hubby is working swing so I am alone.  Today, it will be nice.

Hugs!

Just checking in before I go to bed.  Oh, and if you need jammies, Target has them on sale for 50-75%  off.  Hubby got me some for Christmas, wrong size, bless his heart.  So, I took them back today.  $25 jammies for less than $7.00.  They are Nick and Nora’s.  I love jammies so I bought two pair.  I was refunded $45 and spent less than $15 for the new pair.    I love a deal. 

I am tired.  Doing too much, sleeping too little.  Well, not getting quality sleep.  My allergies are kicking in so my ears are draining like mad.  I get this annoying little cough at night.  I am still irrigating my sinuses.  I like it. I have a very clean sinus cavity now. 

Good night.  Sweet dreams and don’t let the bed bugs bite. 

This is what hunger looks like according to WW.  I wish my hunger was this cute!  I love the commercials. 

Now, these past few months, whenever Taco Bell has been mentioned, I have been eating what I want from this fast food mecca.  Now that I am back on WW, I am using my once again found restraint.  I ordered a pintos and cheese and a taco supreme.  I bring the pintos and cheese home and put it on a La Tortillia Factory whole wheat tortillia for a total of 4 points instead of 7 points for the stupid TB burrito.  And I am getting fiberlicious.  And you know what?  I loved what I ate and didn’t feel like a big fat pig after eating it.  Last night I made up some yummy sugar free pudding - chocolate for the hubby and butterscotch for me.  It was very good and satisfying for that sweet tooth. 

Got a call from sister in law on the East coast today.  She and her husband are losing their house.  It’s been bad for awhile and has just gotten worse.  It doesn’t help that they are flippin freezing to death!  I feel guilty enjoying the 70 degree weather here in Central California and having to DRIVE to snow just to visit it and they have it all over the place - 35 inches of it in fact.  We told them they can live with us.  And they can.  They are the only people I have ever known who visit for two weeks and you miss them the minute they leave.  We all get along really well and it will just work out.  God had a reason for Kevin and Laurie finding each other a few years ago.   Billy has grown daughters but it is not an option for some reason for them to live with one of the daughters.  I have never met them but are not impressed by what I have heard.  They always seem to have their hand out for daddy to give them something.  I think he feels guilty about their mom dying or something.   They walk all over him and Laurie in the process.  So, it may be good for them to live in Cali and visit the East coast once a year.  I am just glad that we can be here for them. 

Teaching jobs do not look promising.  Spent all this time in school and it’s a little frustrating some days.  I really want my own room and I really would like to make some money again.  I miss money.  I will really appreciate it when I get it again.

Hubby is home - good night sweet chicks

Which is the title of one of my favorite Depeche Mode songs but it is also what I am doing right now.  Hubby is at work.  We had Athena, our granddaughter, all weekend and her folks came to pick her up about an hour ago.  They went to Reno for the weekend for SIL birthday.  We took Athena to the snow yesterday.  Kevin took the day off.  I made a real snowman.  He was about 4 feet tall.  I am quite proud of my snowguy.   We played for about two hours before we headed home.  But when both Athena and hubby are home it is noisy nonstop.  We came home and Athena and I hit the showers and then she and Kevin watched Star Wars together.  I went and laid down.  Later we all snuggled in our bed and watched Firehouse Dog.  A cute family movie.  Today we played Guitar Hero and watched tv before hubby left for work.  LIke I said, non stop noise.  I love it when it finally quiets down.  I can hear myself breath and hear the kitties playing around.

The snow was beautiful but we had to drive 85 miles before we found some good snow.  It was so peaceful up there I could have taken a nap.   We like to take Athena to the snow at least once a year.  Sometimes we will rent a cabin and stay over.  Next year I want to do a long weekend so I will start searching out some cabins this year.

Food wise I am doing okay.  I could do better.

I am only subbing two days next week so far.

Good night sweet chicks.  I am going to lay down.

Hugs

Here is a cute site I found.  Thought maybe someone else might enjoy it too.  I have a warped sense of humor so who knows —

http://www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com/index.php