Here it is Sunday evening. No one is home - granddaughter left after spending the day with me. Bills to pay online. Kitty box to empty - even though it’s one of those automatic gadgets. I have been reading on how to train the kitties to use the toilet. I think I am going to give it a try. They are pretty smart, at least one of them is - her name is Trouble. As the name implies, she is 100% trouble. Not so sure about Tribble. She is named that because she makes the sound of the Star Trek gremlin looking creature. She doesn’t meow but coos. She always looks like she is drunk. We keep a close eye out and mark the booze bottles to make sure she isn’t sneaking a shot here and there. If she’s not drunk, she is stoned and since we don’t let her outside, we’re not sure where she is getting her stash. She is always looking outside and she can stick her paw under the screen…
I have not been eating too hot today. Oh well. I am not going to beat myself up over it. Tomorrow is a new day and will be better.
I had a dream the other night that I wanted my adoptive mom to comfort me and she wouldn’t. Instead this fluffy African American woman came up to me and held me close until I felt better. I remember feeling so safe in her arms. I realized in my dream and when I woke up, a-mom never comforted me. I don’t remember hugs, proud moments, or I love you. I do remember screaming, hitting, and hurtful comments of worthlessness. Even when I was scared and not feeling well several months back, I wanted her to come over and sit with me so I could sleep. I was afraid to be alone. She came but then she left me alone three times to go to the store, run an errand, and run to her friend’s house down the road. I realize it’s on me. I can’t make her comfort me and make me feel safe. I realize I always wanted her to save me from being molested but she never did. When my love of my life- or what I thought was - and I broke up, I was devastaed. I drove 30 minutes down the freeway and crawled in bed with my best friend. She was taking a nap. I asked her to hug me while I cried and let me heart break. I don’t know why as a grown woman I need this, but I do. And I don’t ignore it. Sometimes, I lay my head in hubby’s lap and take a nap. Getting back to when I wasn’t feeling well, my friend Gloria came over so hubby could go to work and would stay with me until he got home. She would lay on one end of the sectional and I would lay on the other so we would be head to head. I would go to sleep and she would read or watch tv. It was wonderful her husband let me borrow her.
So I guess my bottom line is I always wanted a mom to take care of me. I didn’t get it when I was born, I was put in foster care for a few months and I didn’t get it when I was adopted. I love hugs and I give them to all the kids that want them when I teach for them. Maybe it’s the only hug they get. I don’t know but I would never deny a hug to a child.
I know I will be okay. Realizing things and working through them helps. I have an amazing husband who listens and understands me. And most of all hugs me when I need him to. Maybe that’s why I adore all my friends on this site. We all give each other cyber hugs and kudos and help keep each other going.
Now back to that litter box