Trying to get the feeling again…

“…wearing that same old shaggy dress.”  No one can sing it like Otis. I don’t care who tries. 

I hate today.  I hate the whole fall back and spring forward daylight savings time bull.  It’s stupid and it’s days like this I want to move to Arizona or Hawaii so I don’t have to deal with it.  It ruins my inner clock and i have to resync myself.  Blah Blah Blah.  I think it affects the kids too.  My second graders today were wound tighter than a cheap watch.  I have a headache that won’t leave.  I am tired but not sleepy.  I ate a whole  box of Good N Plenty’s and want more but there are no more. 

Back to Otis and a shower. 

“But it’s all so easy
All you gotta do is try, try a little tenderness
Squeeze her, don’t tease her, never leave her…”

The house is empty.  Everything is quiet except for the pitter patter of kitty feet walking through the house and the swoosh of cars driving by.   I am sitting in the office with the shutters open enjoying the friendly smile of the sunshine. 

Inside my soul is quiet too.  There is nothing rustling around today.  No problems to solve and no mysteries to crack.  The sketetons in the closet are dead having revealed themselves long ago.  I am happy and not giving myself a bad time about being so.  The more I understand about me, the more pain it takes away.  I am not to blame for the sins of others.  I did not sign up for their games and drama.  While I am not a victim, I was not a voluntary participant. 

There is much love around to be appreciated.  I have my friends on here who have embraced me like a sister.  A sister I never had but always wanted.  I have a husband that through much trial and tribulations, I have clicked with and have a constant soothing hum with.  I have a daughter, son in law, and granddaughter who bring me more delight than sorrow.  This morning they popped by with donuts for us before they headed out to start their day.  With them they bring love and smiles and laughter to enjoy together. 

Although my childhood and early adult life was horrible, I have been able to move onward and upward.   Although it has been an uphill climb, I have managed to keep up the hike and not give up no matter how close and how often I wanted to.  Or at least thought I did. 

What I have realized most of all is that when you aren’t looking, good things happen.  Like all of you.  Thank you for the hugs and the kind words.  We may not be a size 6 but if nothing else, we are full of love and compassion and that my friends, makes us more beautiful then anyone. 

Here it is Sunday evening.  No one is home - granddaughter left after spending the day with me.  Bills to pay online.  Kitty box to empty - even though it’s one of those automatic gadgets.  I have been reading on how to train the kitties to use the toilet.  I think I am going to give it a try.  They are pretty smart, at least one of them is - her name is Trouble.  As the name implies, she is 100% trouble.  Not so sure about Tribble.  She is named that because she makes the sound of the Star Trek gremlin looking creature.  She doesn’t meow but coos.  She always looks like she is drunk.  We keep a close eye out and mark the booze bottles to make sure she isn’t sneaking a shot here and there.  If she’s not drunk, she is stoned and since we don’t let her outside, we’re not sure where she is getting her stash.  She is always looking outside and she can stick her paw under the screen…

I have not been eating too hot today.  Oh well.  I am not going to beat myself up over it.  Tomorrow is a new day and will be better.

I had a dream the other night that I wanted my adoptive mom to comfort me and she wouldn’t.  Instead this fluffy African American woman came up to me and held me close until I felt better.  I remember feeling so safe in her arms.  I realized in my dream and when I woke up, a-mom never comforted me.  I don’t remember hugs, proud moments, or I love you.  I do remember screaming, hitting, and hurtful comments of worthlessness.  Even when I was scared and not feeling well several months back, I wanted her to come over and sit with me so I could sleep.  I was afraid to be alone.  She came but then she left me alone three times to go to the store, run an errand, and run to her friend’s house down the road.  I realize it’s on me.  I can’t make her comfort me and make me feel safe.  I realize I always wanted her to save me from being molested but she never did.    When my love of my life- or what I thought was - and I broke up, I was devastaed.  I drove 30 minutes down the freeway and crawled in bed with my best friend.  She was taking a nap.  I asked her to hug me while I cried and let me heart break.  I don’t know why as a grown woman I need this, but I do.  And I don’t ignore it.  Sometimes, I lay my head in hubby’s lap and take a nap.  Getting back to when I wasn’t feeling well, my friend Gloria came over so hubby could go to work and would stay with me until he got home.  She would lay on one end of the sectional and I would lay on the other so we would be head to head.  I would go to sleep and she would read or watch tv.  It was wonderful her husband let me borrow her.

So I guess my bottom line is I always wanted a mom to take care of me.  I didn’t get it when I was born, I was put in foster care for  a few months and I didn’t get it when I was adopted.  I love hugs and I give them to all the kids that want them when I teach for them.  Maybe it’s the only hug they get.  I don’t know but I would never deny a hug to a child.

I know I will be okay.  Realizing things and working through them helps.  I have an amazing husband who listens and understands me.  And most of all hugs me when I need him to.  Maybe that’s why I adore all my friends on this site.  We all give each other cyber hugs and kudos and help keep each other going.

Now back to that litter box

I went to the doctor today.  I have a new one and wanted to meet her.  I have a HMO because since I am not working - I can’t afford to pay the extra for the PPO.  But that is a different subject.  So,  I went to her to break her in and so she will have my file and information on me in case I really do need to see her.  She ordered blood work and fun stuff to do and she told me she would like me to lose 20 pounds.  Now ladies, I am impressed.  I have NEVER had a doctor tell me to lose weight.  She also told me to exercise more.  Again, NEVER has a doctor said that to me before.  So I might like her.  I go back in May for follow up.  I will lose weight because I don’t want to see her and not lose.  I don’t want to get a beat down.

I have been suffering from anxiety/panic attacks/chemical imbalance/hormone imbalance pick a name because no one has one for several months.  It has sucked the big wang.  I did get a call from my birthmom who told me that she started having anxiety when she was my age.  But that’s about all the insight she gave me.  The attacks are under control thanks I am sure to Lexapro although I did have one, albeit a small one last Tuesday.  Thank goodness hubby was home.  Although he worries because for awhile, when it was bad, I was agorophobic.  That sucked.  I do realize I have some issues to work through - ones I have kept hidden and buried. Pretending they don’t matter because it happend a long time ago.  But it does matter.  I bite my nails like a fiend and I will tell you a secret - I have trichotillomania.  I pull my hair out.  I go through phases and sometimes will have a bald spot on my head.  Been doing this for years.  Never knew what it was until a couple of years ago.  Wow!  When I read about it and that it had a name, I didn’t feel so freakish anymore.  Sure I look normal - whatever that is.  But I have a few kinks to work out.  And it’s okay.  I realized that people have problems and never deal with them or acknowledge them.  My adoptive family is that way.  But being that way was destroying me.  And I don’t want to be destroyed.    What I have gone though and what I know gives me the ability to understand others and feel compassion for them.   My therapist, yes I go to one of those too now, told me that it is amazing I never turned to drugs or alcohol.  My siblings did.  But I couldn’t.  I had my daughter to take care of and she deserved a good mother.  And I have been the very best mother I could possibly be.  Besides, I couldn’t fail.  My adoptive mom would have taken my daughter and there was no way in Hell I was going to give her the ammunition or opportunity to do that. 

Because of the doctor, I know I will lose weight by May.  Besides I have to anyway.  Aren’t we in this boat together like the 3 Musketeers but more? 

I think I will take a nice soothing shower.  I hope you are all being kind to yourselves too. 

Big hugs

xoxoxo

I watched the Oscar’s tonight.  A friend was supposed to come over and watch with me but bailed.  It’s okay.  I watched them with my cats and ate sushi.  Which brings me to Trader Joe’s.  I went there the other day, which is a treat for me because it is across town and it is a pain to get across town.  It’s almost not worth going over there.  And the mall is even over there  But it’s a pain so I don’t go.  But the other day I did and oh my Trader Joe’s always has such great food choices.  I bought the sushi and it is so good.    I got so many other yummy good for me things.  The prices are good too.  Sigh…  I wish they would build one on my side of town…  yeah right in this recession.

I have been eating much better these past few days and it shows.  I have lost 2.5 pounds and what a good feeling it has been.  I think facing and letting go of things or at least working on it is helping a lot.  Understanding helps.  It did shake me to realize that I was hurting myself by not losing weight and carrying around this belly fat.  Of course it’s the worse kind of fat to have and I have it.  Big blubber roll sloshing around.

The Oscar’s were great.  I loved Kate Winslet’s speech.   I am not going to watch Barbara Walters.  zzzzzzzzz

Good night sweet chicks.  Thanks for the support.

That life is tied together with woven strings.  When one gets loose, it affects the other ones.  What happened in life has formed me for the better and the worse.   I understand that by not taking care of myself, I am self destructing.  No one can take care of me for me.  No one can control what I eat or why I eat.  No one can exercise for me.  It’s all up to me, baby.  And if I don’t do it or won’t do it, I am being self destructive.  I think it’s time I let go of some very bad people, the people who adopted and raised me, and the emotional effect they have on me.  It has been hard to understand the relationship we have had.  But because of them, and what they say doesn’t make me a bad person.  I can never live up to their standards because I don’t even think they know what their standards are.  I am not to blame for the bad things that happened to them in life and I don’t owe them because they took me out of foster care.   I have paid enough.  They don’t love me.  They never did.  God know I heard enough times how my adopted mother didn’t want me.  I get it.  And I get how I have let it control me all of these years.  It is okay that they are messed up.  I can’t control that.  But I can control how I let it makes me feel.  My contribution to society is becoming a teacher.  I love children.  I enjoy them.  I think they are a blessing from God.  But people have them, adopt them, and marry people who have them but they do not love them.  It has been hard understanding how my adoptive parents could abuse me and allow me to be abused.  It has been hard because it is not how I feel about children.  It is not for me to understand at this point.  It happened and I don’t have to continue on with their charade of the happy family.  There are skeletons in the closet and I will not participate in hiding them anymore. 

I need to be happy and healthy for me and those who love and depend on me.  I can’t be afraid anymore.  Onward to a happier and healthier life.  I look forward to tomorrow and cherish today.  I can’t control the past.  It is what it is. 

Hi, my name is Bobbie and I am a Jello junkie.  I just made chocolate (sugar free of course) pudding and raspberry gelatin (SF).  I did keep my grubby hands off the Good N Plenty’s at the grocery store as I stocked up on the J-E-L-L-O.  And Ann, I did get butterscotch but haven’t made that up yet.  ;  ) I also bought red grapes, blueberries, and red pears to munch on as well.  Of course there is the apples, bananas, and green pears too.  But those are so standard and not as exciting.  I looked at the strawberries but they were sad looking so I passed on them.  To balance out the fruit, I bought cucumbers, radishes, carrots, and tomatoes.   I have the scale out on the counter along with the blender, all bright, shiny and new looking.  Although looking at it right now, I may have to switch things around… You know ladies, as I was grocery shopping, I was thinking about us.  And you know what, I think we have made incredible progress over the past several months.  I know for myself,  I have completely given up white powered donuts and I used to eat those by the box full.  Not the cute little 6 pack.  The entire frackin’ box!   I hardly have a drink anymore.  Not that I was ever a big drinker but if I thought I could drink less, I am.   I totally wanted to carb out tonight because I was just fried and irritated.  But I didn’t.  I did eat a hot pocket and oven fries but that is so much better than the McDonald’s Double Cheese and large fries I would have eaten.  So here’s to us and the changes we have made.  Please pat yourself on the back right now as I can’t reach you.

I have also started drinking Chai tea.  Yummy!  Where has that been hiding?  I got one of those coffee machines that makes one cup of coffee, tea, or hot cocoa, or cappuccino.  I don’t drink coffee, but hubby does and he is allowed one cup of caffeine a day.  He agreed to the machine and it is great for me.  I bought all these teas and even decaf cappuccino.  Sure, I could boil water and soak the bag… but since we have the machine, I thought I would try the teas.  I love the Chai that’s all I have to say.  In fact, it helps when I have the Good N Plenty crave.  Damn Good N Plenty’s! I need to unload the dishwasher and the dryer and the washer.  I vacuumed the front porch today.   Got tired of the leaves and spiderwebs.  Got hubby’s ShopVac out and took it out front.  Sucked up everything that wasn’t nailed down.  Looks good.  Come to find out he blows it off and then mows it up with the mower.  LOL!  With this storm and it being winter, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon.  He hasn’t mowed since October.  Anyway, it was fun vacuuming and I shall do it again.  The cats got out of my way.  I think they thought they might be sucked up too.

Good night sweet chicks.  Sweet dreams

Boy, it’s all about mindset isn’t it?  I have finally got my mind together and am in sync with my body on the eating side of things.  It is so hard to do sometimes.  I would really like to be down to 170 by the summer.  May not be slim for the likes of the Hollywood people but for me, it would feel really good.

I make chocolate pudding (sugar free) yesterday and today I am going to make my favorite - BUTTERSCOTCH!  What a nice treat that will be.  I have also been trying different kinds of teas so that instead of eating, I can drink a cup of tea.  Decaf for the evening.  In the morning I have been drinking Chai tea.  YUMMY!  I have been totally missing out on this delight!  What a nice treat!

It’s Monday, what can I say?  I had my counseling appointment today.   It went well.  We talked mostly about my family and growing up.  With my dad being in the hospital and me going to visit everyday, it’s been stressful.  The people who raised me are not a ray of sunshine in any way, shape, or form.  I have given myself permission to NOT go to the hospital today and feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my chest.  I will call to check in and that’s all.   My daughter and granddaughter are coming by later and I will get to visit with them and enjoy their love.  It’s a much more positive experience.

I am going to watch an Oprah I recorded.  Later, I am going to do my taxes.  Oh joy!

Hugs to you my friends!

We had a Superbowl party yesterday.  What a flippin’ eating disaster that was.  I think I ate everything in sight and a little more.  Needless to say, I had such a stomachache.  I find this happens now.  I pay for the overeating in more than one way.  Back in the saddle again.  Have to.  Hubby and I are going to Hawaii at the beginning of May and I can’t be one of those ladies on the beach we giggle at.

Today I did not work even though a teacher called me and asked me to do a half day.  I hate saying no and luckily I didn’t have to because I was asleep and didn’t hear the phone ring.

Have a great day chicks!  I am going to read the paper and take a nap - again.  Hubby is working swing so I am alone.  Today, it will be nice.

Hugs!

Just checking in before I go to bed.  Oh, and if you need jammies, Target has them on sale for 50-75%  off.  Hubby got me some for Christmas, wrong size, bless his heart.  So, I took them back today.  $25 jammies for less than $7.00.  They are Nick and Nora’s.  I love jammies so I bought two pair.  I was refunded $45 and spent less than $15 for the new pair.    I love a deal. 

I am tired.  Doing too much, sleeping too little.  Well, not getting quality sleep.  My allergies are kicking in so my ears are draining like mad.  I get this annoying little cough at night.  I am still irrigating my sinuses.  I like it. I have a very clean sinus cavity now. 

Good night.  Sweet dreams and don’t let the bed bugs bite.