Trying to get the feeling again…

Bottom line this week sucked.  Not totally.  I did sub second graders all week and I get the same ones for the next two days.  To say I don’t love them is a total understatment.  They are wonderful.  And so loving.  So they didn’t suck.  But home did and that’s all I can say without sounding like a complete flippin idiot.  But I guess we all have to make compromises and I will volunteer for mine so I can’t go sounding like a victim.  But to say I hate life right now is accurate.  And I don’t want to live to be 90 or even 80.  There is no reason to.  Unless I live that long to do something amazing.  But if it’s to be fat and try to be thin and be disappointed by people AGAIN and all this other shit.  No thank you.  I’m tired of looking for shit to be happy about and greatful for.   This is being written while my kitty is staring at me.  She must know I am in a mood. 

I am going to take a shower, read my Stephanie Plum novel, and go to sleep.  I will enjoy the students tomorrow and bask in their love and teach them the best that I can.  One day at a time… blah blah blah

We leave for Hawaii one month from today.  Going to Oahu.  Hubby has never been.  I need to lose 10 pounds.  I will - I have no desire to eat.  That’s a change.  Again, sick of worrying about how fat I am and how unhealthy it is. 

Love you all.  Sorry for being bitchy.  It just is…

So I went to the doctor.  She is very nice.  She is thin too.  Bitch!  LOL!  My cholosteral is not too high - yet.  My good cholosteral is not high enough and my sugar is not too high - again yet.  She stongly suggested I quit with the simple carbs!  (Fine, pick on the good ones) It is not good to eat rice AND beans says she.  I didn’t know they didn’t go together!  And she says you shouldn’t eat pasta AND garlic bread.  Again, no one ever told me.  I thought they all went together like peanut butter and jelly.  And she wants me to (whimper) exercise more.  Ha!  I need to exercise period.  I need to be like Island Girl and run like the wind.  If I DON’T do these things, my cholestrol will get worse and my insulin will get worse and then I’ll be a fat pill poppin’ mofo.  After thinking about everything I can do this. You know why?  Because unless I get hit by a Mack Truck, I’ve got another 45-50 years to live.  The women in my family on both sides live to be very old.  Since that is the case, I don’t want to be old before my time and be popping pills left and right. Besides, that shit gets expensive.  I don’t want to have to sell one of my cats in order to pay for my medications that will line the shelves in my bathroom.  I’ll keep people entertained by showing them all my pills and explaining what each and everyone is for.  UGH!  Okay Doc, I got the memo.  Loose some weight, eat better, and shake your money maker.  Oh, she said that she would like to see me around 160 pounds.  I laughed and said well that makes two of us.  I am fat and as a fattie, I am supposed to be funny.  So we are looking at 50 pounds.  Well, at least I have lost some weight and it’s not 90 pounds like it was before.  So yeah me.  Besides, I was looking at a picture today vs. a picture of a few years back when I was thinner and I think the fat makes my eyes smaller.  They don’t look as big in current pictures.  Stupid fat face!

Since I am getting rid of things, so far this week I have sold, 1 2001 Dodge Truck, 1 Dean Koontz novel, 1 telephone/answering machine system, and 1 GPS tracker.  All online, thank you very much.  I am eyeballing everything to see what to sell next.

I am going to take a shower and read.  I ate my final carbed filled meal tonight and topped it off with Good N Plentys.  I told my hubby well at Taco Bell, I can have their Pintos.  No cheese.  Just pintos.  I’ll just bring along my own whole grain tortilla.

I would appreciate some low carb ideas from my fellow chicks.  Good night sweet ladies

Or is is something worse?

Why is it that the truth is always lurking around the corner waiting to jump out and reveal itself?

I just need to go to sleep and call it a day. 

I got a call from the doctor’s office.  I went in on Saturday and had a fasting blood test.  Results are in and now she wants to talk to me about my lipid panel.  Ugh.  My appointment is Monday afternoon.  It’s the earliest they could get me in.  I know I have been borderline high cholesterol for a while but no one really ever talked to me about it.  They just sent the resuls and said you should try to improve your diet and exercise.  So, I know after Monday, I will have to be good.  She already wants me to drop 20 and exercise and that was BEFORE the blood test. 

That is the title of a Designing Women episode.  I just watched the DVD.  I love DW.   This episode got to me because as you may remember if you watched the show, Suzanne Sugarbaker aka Delta Burke gained weight.  And everyone noticed.  Suzanne was to go to her high school reunion and overheard people making comments about how fat she was and it hurt her feelings.  It reminded me of when I walked into someone’s office and overheard them saying that I used to be so beautiful before I gained so much weight.  It stung.  But I have relized over the years that life is woven with good days and bad days and fat years and skinny years.  I also know what it took to be thin.  Delta Burke also talked about in an interview I read what she went through to be thin.  I know about the starvation, eating one meal a day, throwing up, and exercising my ass off.  I was more unhappy then than I am now.  Being thin didn’t make anyone love me more or treat me better. 

I am glad Kevin only knows me chubby.  When I lose weight, it is not expected.  Being healthy is encouraged but fitting into a size 6 is not expected.  I know what it takes to be 5′7 and 125 pounds.  It means going to bed hungry and waking up hungry.  It means 1200 calories a day and worrying about 5 pounds.  

It is sad when we have to feel bad or be talked about for gaining weight.  Men do it all the time and they lose their damn hair and no one says a word. 

I hope they don’t shoot fat women, because if they do, I’m firing back.  And it won’t be pretty. 

“…wearing that same old shaggy dress.”  No one can sing it like Otis. I don’t care who tries. 

I hate today.  I hate the whole fall back and spring forward daylight savings time bull.  It’s stupid and it’s days like this I want to move to Arizona or Hawaii so I don’t have to deal with it.  It ruins my inner clock and i have to resync myself.  Blah Blah Blah.  I think it affects the kids too.  My second graders today were wound tighter than a cheap watch.  I have a headache that won’t leave.  I am tired but not sleepy.  I ate a whole  box of Good N Plenty’s and want more but there are no more. 

Back to Otis and a shower. 

“But it’s all so easy
All you gotta do is try, try a little tenderness
Squeeze her, don’t tease her, never leave her…”

The house is empty.  Everything is quiet except for the pitter patter of kitty feet walking through the house and the swoosh of cars driving by.   I am sitting in the office with the shutters open enjoying the friendly smile of the sunshine. 

Inside my soul is quiet too.  There is nothing rustling around today.  No problems to solve and no mysteries to crack.  The sketetons in the closet are dead having revealed themselves long ago.  I am happy and not giving myself a bad time about being so.  The more I understand about me, the more pain it takes away.  I am not to blame for the sins of others.  I did not sign up for their games and drama.  While I am not a victim, I was not a voluntary participant. 

There is much love around to be appreciated.  I have my friends on here who have embraced me like a sister.  A sister I never had but always wanted.  I have a husband that through much trial and tribulations, I have clicked with and have a constant soothing hum with.  I have a daughter, son in law, and granddaughter who bring me more delight than sorrow.  This morning they popped by with donuts for us before they headed out to start their day.  With them they bring love and smiles and laughter to enjoy together. 

Although my childhood and early adult life was horrible, I have been able to move onward and upward.   Although it has been an uphill climb, I have managed to keep up the hike and not give up no matter how close and how often I wanted to.  Or at least thought I did. 

What I have realized most of all is that when you aren’t looking, good things happen.  Like all of you.  Thank you for the hugs and the kind words.  We may not be a size 6 but if nothing else, we are full of love and compassion and that my friends, makes us more beautiful then anyone. 

Here it is Sunday evening.  No one is home - granddaughter left after spending the day with me.  Bills to pay online.  Kitty box to empty - even though it’s one of those automatic gadgets.  I have been reading on how to train the kitties to use the toilet.  I think I am going to give it a try.  They are pretty smart, at least one of them is - her name is Trouble.  As the name implies, she is 100% trouble.  Not so sure about Tribble.  She is named that because she makes the sound of the Star Trek gremlin looking creature.  She doesn’t meow but coos.  She always looks like she is drunk.  We keep a close eye out and mark the booze bottles to make sure she isn’t sneaking a shot here and there.  If she’s not drunk, she is stoned and since we don’t let her outside, we’re not sure where she is getting her stash.  She is always looking outside and she can stick her paw under the screen…

I have not been eating too hot today.  Oh well.  I am not going to beat myself up over it.  Tomorrow is a new day and will be better.

I had a dream the other night that I wanted my adoptive mom to comfort me and she wouldn’t.  Instead this fluffy African American woman came up to me and held me close until I felt better.  I remember feeling so safe in her arms.  I realized in my dream and when I woke up, a-mom never comforted me.  I don’t remember hugs, proud moments, or I love you.  I do remember screaming, hitting, and hurtful comments of worthlessness.  Even when I was scared and not feeling well several months back, I wanted her to come over and sit with me so I could sleep.  I was afraid to be alone.  She came but then she left me alone three times to go to the store, run an errand, and run to her friend’s house down the road.  I realize it’s on me.  I can’t make her comfort me and make me feel safe.  I realize I always wanted her to save me from being molested but she never did.    When my love of my life- or what I thought was - and I broke up, I was devastaed.  I drove 30 minutes down the freeway and crawled in bed with my best friend.  She was taking a nap.  I asked her to hug me while I cried and let me heart break.  I don’t know why as a grown woman I need this, but I do.  And I don’t ignore it.  Sometimes, I lay my head in hubby’s lap and take a nap.  Getting back to when I wasn’t feeling well, my friend Gloria came over so hubby could go to work and would stay with me until he got home.  She would lay on one end of the sectional and I would lay on the other so we would be head to head.  I would go to sleep and she would read or watch tv.  It was wonderful her husband let me borrow her.

So I guess my bottom line is I always wanted a mom to take care of me.  I didn’t get it when I was born, I was put in foster care for  a few months and I didn’t get it when I was adopted.  I love hugs and I give them to all the kids that want them when I teach for them.  Maybe it’s the only hug they get.  I don’t know but I would never deny a hug to a child.

I know I will be okay.  Realizing things and working through them helps.  I have an amazing husband who listens and understands me.  And most of all hugs me when I need him to.  Maybe that’s why I adore all my friends on this site.  We all give each other cyber hugs and kudos and help keep each other going.

Now back to that litter box

I went to the doctor today.  I have a new one and wanted to meet her.  I have a HMO because since I am not working - I can’t afford to pay the extra for the PPO.  But that is a different subject.  So,  I went to her to break her in and so she will have my file and information on me in case I really do need to see her.  She ordered blood work and fun stuff to do and she told me she would like me to lose 20 pounds.  Now ladies, I am impressed.  I have NEVER had a doctor tell me to lose weight.  She also told me to exercise more.  Again, NEVER has a doctor said that to me before.  So I might like her.  I go back in May for follow up.  I will lose weight because I don’t want to see her and not lose.  I don’t want to get a beat down.

I have been suffering from anxiety/panic attacks/chemical imbalance/hormone imbalance pick a name because no one has one for several months.  It has sucked the big wang.  I did get a call from my birthmom who told me that she started having anxiety when she was my age.  But that’s about all the insight she gave me.  The attacks are under control thanks I am sure to Lexapro although I did have one, albeit a small one last Tuesday.  Thank goodness hubby was home.  Although he worries because for awhile, when it was bad, I was agorophobic.  That sucked.  I do realize I have some issues to work through - ones I have kept hidden and buried. Pretending they don’t matter because it happend a long time ago.  But it does matter.  I bite my nails like a fiend and I will tell you a secret - I have trichotillomania.  I pull my hair out.  I go through phases and sometimes will have a bald spot on my head.  Been doing this for years.  Never knew what it was until a couple of years ago.  Wow!  When I read about it and that it had a name, I didn’t feel so freakish anymore.  Sure I look normal - whatever that is.  But I have a few kinks to work out.  And it’s okay.  I realized that people have problems and never deal with them or acknowledge them.  My adoptive family is that way.  But being that way was destroying me.  And I don’t want to be destroyed.    What I have gone though and what I know gives me the ability to understand others and feel compassion for them.   My therapist, yes I go to one of those too now, told me that it is amazing I never turned to drugs or alcohol.  My siblings did.  But I couldn’t.  I had my daughter to take care of and she deserved a good mother.  And I have been the very best mother I could possibly be.  Besides, I couldn’t fail.  My adoptive mom would have taken my daughter and there was no way in Hell I was going to give her the ammunition or opportunity to do that. 

Because of the doctor, I know I will lose weight by May.  Besides I have to anyway.  Aren’t we in this boat together like the 3 Musketeers but more? 

I think I will take a nice soothing shower.  I hope you are all being kind to yourselves too. 

Big hugs

xoxoxo

I watched the Oscar’s tonight.  A friend was supposed to come over and watch with me but bailed.  It’s okay.  I watched them with my cats and ate sushi.  Which brings me to Trader Joe’s.  I went there the other day, which is a treat for me because it is across town and it is a pain to get across town.  It’s almost not worth going over there.  And the mall is even over there  But it’s a pain so I don’t go.  But the other day I did and oh my Trader Joe’s always has such great food choices.  I bought the sushi and it is so good.    I got so many other yummy good for me things.  The prices are good too.  Sigh…  I wish they would build one on my side of town…  yeah right in this recession.

I have been eating much better these past few days and it shows.  I have lost 2.5 pounds and what a good feeling it has been.  I think facing and letting go of things or at least working on it is helping a lot.  Understanding helps.  It did shake me to realize that I was hurting myself by not losing weight and carrying around this belly fat.  Of course it’s the worse kind of fat to have and I have it.  Big blubber roll sloshing around.

The Oscar’s were great.  I loved Kate Winslet’s speech.   I am not going to watch Barbara Walters.  zzzzzzzzz

Good night sweet chicks.  Thanks for the support.