Trying to get the feeling again…

Hawaii was wonderful.  We went to Oahu and stayed on the Westward side away from the tourists of Waikiki and Honolulu.  It is nice to visit those places but I don’t want to be in the middle of it.   We went to Pearl Harbor and Ford Island.  We met friends for dinner at Dukes in Waikiki.  We had lunch at Cheeseburger Waikiki and I ran into a neighbor who now works there.   We looked at Diamond Head but did not climb it.  I have been to Oahu many times so I left it up to my Hawaii newbie husband to decide.  The most fun thing about the trip was seeing him relax and enjoy a vacation.  We are already planning our trip back next year.   YEAH!  I could go once a year for sure.  We stayed at a resort and hubby could not believe how spoiled we were.  He didn’t understand the word VACATION until now.  Before it had always been a wham bam thank you ma’am event.

Going to counseling has helped me a lot.  I went today.  I had jury duty this morning and did not get picked.  None of us did so it’s not like I am special.  I did not cancel my appointment with my therapist hoping I would be able to make it.  And I was.  She helps me see things in a different way and not through pain.  She also helps me see that I can allow others to take over and it will not be the end of the world.  That it’s okay to let go a little and trust.  We talked in length about my mom - I am supposed to call her June - about why June doesn’t like me.  And if she doesn’t like me, why did she adopt me.  Therapist explained it in the simpliest of terms that had me smaking my forehead and saying DUH!  People adopt and give birth with the best intentions.  But once it happens, sometimes they realize it’s not what they wanted.  It makes sense.  And it makes it easier.  I don’t have to own it.  I am not a bad person who didn’t deserve to be loved by either mother.  I just got the short straw and got two moms who didn’t really want me.  But it’s not like you can return me.  I call my birthmom by her first name so it will help with calling June - June.   I understand I love children and not all people do.  They try because society says we much love children and have them.  Not all people should and I wish people would change their thoughts on this.  It’s okay NOT to have a child.

Good night. I am tired.  With love, Bobbie