The doctor February 23, 2009
I went to the doctor today. I have a new one and wanted to meet her. I have a HMO because since I am not working - I can’t afford to pay the extra for the PPO. But that is a different subject. So, I went to her to break her in and so she will have my file and information on me in case I really do need to see her. She ordered blood work and fun stuff to do and she told me she would like me to lose 20 pounds. Now ladies, I am impressed. I have NEVER had a doctor tell me to lose weight. She also told me to exercise more. Again, NEVER has a doctor said that to me before. So I might like her. I go back in May for follow up. I will lose weight because I don’t want to see her and not lose. I don’t want to get a beat down.
I have been suffering from anxiety/panic attacks/chemical imbalance/hormone imbalance pick a name because no one has one for several months. It has sucked the big wang. I did get a call from my birthmom who told me that she started having anxiety when she was my age. But that’s about all the insight she gave me. The attacks are under control thanks I am sure to Lexapro although I did have one, albeit a small one last Tuesday. Thank goodness hubby was home. Although he worries because for awhile, when it was bad, I was agorophobic. That sucked. I do realize I have some issues to work through - ones I have kept hidden and buried. Pretending they don’t matter because it happend a long time ago. But it does matter. I bite my nails like a fiend and I will tell you a secret - I have trichotillomania. I pull my hair out. I go through phases and sometimes will have a bald spot on my head. Been doing this for years. Never knew what it was until a couple of years ago. Wow! When I read about it and that it had a name, I didn’t feel so freakish anymore. Sure I look normal - whatever that is. But I have a few kinks to work out. And it’s okay. I realized that people have problems and never deal with them or acknowledge them. My adoptive family is that way. But being that way was destroying me. And I don’t want to be destroyed. What I have gone though and what I know gives me the ability to understand others and feel compassion for them. My therapist, yes I go to one of those too now, told me that it is amazing I never turned to drugs or alcohol. My siblings did. But I couldn’t. I had my daughter to take care of and she deserved a good mother. And I have been the very best mother I could possibly be. Besides, I couldn’t fail. My adoptive mom would have taken my daughter and there was no way in Hell I was going to give her the ammunition or opportunity to do that.
Because of the doctor, I know I will lose weight by May. Besides I have to anyway. Aren’t we in this boat together like the 3 Musketeers but more?
I think I will take a nice soothing shower. I hope you are all being kind to yourselves too.
Big hugs
xoxoxo
You know Ms. Bobbie - I couldn’t help but smile about bein’ compared to sugar
I’m a shit but that was way way too cute! 
Grumpy MF is more like it though hon!
Glad the MD went well and only 20 pounds. Hell hon - you could do that shit in your sleep. I’ve got no doubt that you’ll do that plus more by May.
Hot Damn.
Yep, you’re right we don’t have to be forever affected by the way we were fucked up - like a phoenix rising we manage to struggle through it and make it through the fire.
Yep, it makes us better folk - but geeez.
I would rather have no one go through that crap. Ever.
We’re all here together with all of our kinks
Would rather be no where else…..
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I rather like your doctor too Bobbie. Sounds like she is one who cares about the whole you, not just what ails you.
It is so unfair that the things that happened to you as a child are carried into adulthood.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and can still have miserable flashbacks and nightmares. Not to mention that I have real trust issue.
But those experiences have made me stronger, I am truly a survivor as are you…
And we are all in this boat together
xoxoxox
Yeah, the past sometimes still has the power to reach up and sting me, too, no matter how much I’ve tried to put it behind me. You, too, huh! Many of us, I’m thinking. But you’ve got some innate strength and integrity and compassion, and it’s going to make your life better. Already did, sounds like….
Your doc sounds like a keeper, husband too.
Take Care,
RubyJean
Dang ms. thang - couldn’t get that one past you huH? LOL
Yes, we all have many kinks. But they do make us stronger and more resilient and more interesting. However it is tough tough tough, trying to get rid of the kinks. But we all will get there. We all are with you.
Take care. Take some time for yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you feel positive, perhaps the attacks would become less. And you are doing so well already.
Love and hugs,
iniya