I understand… February 21, 2009
That life is tied together with woven strings. When one gets loose, it affects the other ones. What happened in life has formed me for the better and the worse. I understand that by not taking care of myself, I am self destructing. No one can take care of me for me. No one can control what I eat or why I eat. No one can exercise for me. It’s all up to me, baby. And if I don’t do it or won’t do it, I am being self destructive. I think it’s time I let go of some very bad people, the people who adopted and raised me, and the emotional effect they have on me. It has been hard to understand the relationship we have had. But because of them, and what they say doesn’t make me a bad person. I can never live up to their standards because I don’t even think they know what their standards are. I am not to blame for the bad things that happened to them in life and I don’t owe them because they took me out of foster care. I have paid enough. They don’t love me. They never did. God know I heard enough times how my adopted mother didn’t want me. I get it. And I get how I have let it control me all of these years. It is okay that they are messed up. I can’t control that. But I can control how I let it makes me feel. My contribution to society is becoming a teacher. I love children. I enjoy them. I think they are a blessing from God. But people have them, adopt them, and marry people who have them but they do not love them. It has been hard understanding how my adoptive parents could abuse me and allow me to be abused. It has been hard because it is not how I feel about children. It is not for me to understand at this point. It happened and I don’t have to continue on with their charade of the happy family. There are skeletons in the closet and I will not participate in hiding them anymore.
I need to be happy and healthy for me and those who love and depend on me. I can’t be afraid anymore. Onward to a happier and healthier life. I look forward to tomorrow and cherish today. I can’t control the past. It is what it is.
I’m so glad there is so much good in you in spite of the bad things in your past, most of which were not in your control at all. Good for you for still having love and hope and giving back! Please allow me as a mother who gave a daughter for adoption to let you know by far most mothers *do* want their children (of course a small percentage don’t) but give them up out of love for the child, knowing they are not able to give them even a decent life. It is sad that people sometimes assume *your mother didn’t want you* when giving you up was by far the hardest thing she ever had to do and she did it all for love. You may be one of the exceptions, but for all those not willing to love you (now and as a child/foster/adopted child) there are so many more who are willing to love you. Sadly, when I see parents not giving their children the guidance/love/discipline etc. they need in school it is because the parents have never grown up and taken responsibility. It is teachers and others like you who God uses to bless so many, and in some lives what you add is truly critical. Thank you for opening up on an important subject. I’m looking forward to your happier and healthier life too! It is definitely there for you! Delita
Oh geez - are you goin’ through some changes or WHAT?! Big Big Hugs to ya Ms. Bobbie…
I’m sorry you’ve been suffering and for the wretched shit you endured as a kid. You are a genuine sweetheart - your inherently good nature came through despite all of the darkness.
Love ya honey - right on to you for making such a big change for the good for yourself.
We all deserve a happily ever after…
Sounds like you’re well on your way!
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I like what Annie said, she puts it so well - your inherently good nature did come through. I haven’t been to 3fc for awhile, but I remember reading your posts from last year, and liking you!
I’m glad you’re taking good care of you!
RubyJean