Trying to get the feeling again…

I don’t feel well. I have been stressing about this test. So I am getting sick. But in less than 48 hours it will be over and I can catch up. But I am tired. Aren’t we all though, so I will shut up. I am setting my alarm clock to wake me up to the tune of Just Like Heaven by the Cure. LOVE that song - It will be a nice wake up song in 6 hours.
I have been doing very well studying. I have learned alot. So, we will see what Saturday brings. I have alread announced to anyone who listens that when I am finished taking the test on Saturday, I am going to go by my favorite Chinese place and pick up hot and sour soup, coming home, taking off all my clothes, and going to bed. I have my tv, dvd player, phone, laptop, and soup. What else do I need? Boyfriend will be working and I already told him I am turning the ringer off! I can’t wait.
Tomorrow night we are going to a Def Leppard/Foreigner/Styx concert. We bought the tickets about 5 months ago - BEFORE I knew about the test. Oh well, I am taking my pillow with me so I can sleep on the way home if I have to.

Weight is still 6 pounds down. Can’t complain. I would like to lose 10 pounds this month. Really watching caloric intake and WHEN I eat.

Good night - think of me and wish me happy thoughts Saturday morning!

Hugsxoxoxxo

I am studying for the CSET AGAIN!  Nope, I didn’t pass it before. Missed it by a couple of points.  I swear, who do I have to sleep with to get this thing out of the way.  Math/Science - I suck at them.  I have been studying harder this time than any other time.  My hallway is lined with huge poster paper with notes and illustrations.  I have a compostion book of the same notes - the more I write, the more I can remember.  I think what sucks for me is that I passed the first two subsets with very little studying.  I am spoiled and can’t believe I have to put in HOURS and HOURS of studying.   I can’t freaking student teach or get a job until this bitch is out of my way. 

I am on a break from studying.  I have been at it for 2.5 hours. 

 My goal this month is to lose 10 pounds.  I think I can do it.  Did I say think?  Sorry, I mean I CAN do it.  Shit, it sucks being a fat girl with little confidence.  But even as a thin girl, I had no confidence. 

I am working on not eating past 6 p.m.   It works on most nights.  I am going to buy more garlic stuffed olives.  You get a lot of flavor in just a couple of them.   Judy left me a good note and reminded me to eat a little every couple of hours.  I pack a granola bar - 90 calories with me for my morning snack.  Breakfast is usually a breakfast drink and usually drank while I am in the shower wetting my hair.  I am all for multi tasking.  I even brush my teeth in the shower. 

So, if I can do the 1300 cals a day and not eat past 6 pm I think I can whip this flabby ass of mine into shape.  That wasn’t nice to say, was it?  But then again, you haven’t seen my ass. 

BTW, sure Britany Spears danced and looked horrible on the MTV awards.  But to be honest, I would take her body over mine any day of the week.   I could work with that body a lot easier than I could work with mine.   But to be honest some more, if I had her body, I would have never put that outfit on and shook my ass on national tv.  They could have put her in something more flattering.  Her people suck.

 Back to studying.  I think I will study the various body systems and thier functions. 

I woke up this morning and felt light.  I did not have a heavy dinner the night before nor did I have a buttload of snacks.  I ate dinner early - at 3:30 to be exact and did not eat big after that.  I had a few snacks but for the most part - that was it.  I liked the way I felt so much that again I ate an early dinner 4:00 and that was that.  I had a medium McD french fries, a home grilled cheese and turkey sandwhich on whole wheat bread and sliced tomatoes and cucumber.  Why the fries, because I WANTED them.   I am getting better.   Yesterday, I ate a large fry.  My goal is to NOT snack for the rest of the evening.  I think I will make a cup of hot tea later.  But if I can’t handle it, I have given myself permission to each tomato soup.  I love tomatoes.  I love Bloody Marys too but that is a different subject.  It is 6:33 and I only have to stay up 4.5 more hours to make it. 

 Hugs to you all. 

Update

It’s 8:43 and not a bite has hit my mouth.  Unless you want to count the taste of the very first, just picked, home grown tomato I had to try.  Yummy. Now I will take a shower and wash my hair. That should take up some time too! 

I have been thinking since my last post.  I need to lose weight.  I think everything that has happened in the last 42 years has landed me here.    I always kid and say I should have been a prostitute drug addict with everything that has happened.  But life has happened and it’s the only one I have.  Time to pick up the pieces and get on with it.  Being fat isn’t being healthly and I am giving myself a slow death.  I have achieved so many goals.  Isn’t it time I make this a goal and just do it.  I need to let go of the fear of what being thin means to me.  I am not powerless and no one can take my power from me ever again.  I told my BF today that I don’t need to be controlled, I just need to be loved.  He asked what that is supposed to mean, I know he didn’t get it.  But he is selfish and controlling even when he doesn’t think he is.  Not all the time but probably more often than not.  But all the men in my life have been that way.  That’s the cycle I need to break.  I just need to be loved in a healthy way.   I don’t need to fix anyone or make their credit problems better.  I don’t need to argue with an ex-wife.  I don’t need to be a maid.  I need a partner.  I want someone who is thrilled that I am who I am as much as I am thrilled with who they are.  I want someone who doesn’t tell me I spend too much time with my daughter, friends, whatever.  Hell, I have been in school full time in a major way for the last f’ing 6 years.  I haven’t had time to breathe let alone waste time.  GPA = 3.8  Not bad for an old broad who is still struggling to pass the Math/Science CSET.  I made it through stats, I can make it through this. 

 I want someone who if something needs to be done, just does it and doesn’t expect a medal of honor for it.  My brother came and mowed my lawn this weekend.  He lives 1.5 hours away.  But my BF has been “too busy” to do it.  LOL!  When has being “too busy” ever been an excuse.

 That’s the ticket.  I am afraid of being poor to the point of I can’t support myself - that’s never ever happened but it could.  And I don’t want to be controlled.  I want to be loved; to be delighted in.  To make someone smile as much as others have made me smile and to have someone love me as much as I love them.  Never met a man yet who hasn’t screwed around on me…  tick tock the clock goes. 

So what makes me think if the love of my life almost every single day?  It has been 16 years since we broke up.  I have been married, divorced, earned my BA and more.  My husband was not the love of my life but was the opposite of him.  And I did love him.  I wasn’t in love with him.  But I thought he would be a good partner and I was very excited and happy when I married him.  I thought he was perfect.  I loved him and we had so much fun together.  We all know how that turned out.  Seemed he had a problem with keeping his Johnson in his trousers.

So, I think about the love of my life.   We were together for 7 years but had known each other since 6th grade.  Even at 11 years old, I loved him and was thrilled 7 years later to become finally his girlfriend.  He was on the path to go to college.  He was very smart.  And so handsome.  But drugs came into his life and changed everything forever.  I stayed for as long as I could.  But I didn’t and don’t do drugs.  So I didn’t fit in.  All this time I was 135 pounds and what many called beautiful.  He was critical of my hair, makeup, clothes.  I had to always be perfect.  He liked when people told him how pretty I was.  I ended up leaving him because he was fooling around with a woman a few years older and at least 100 pounds heavier.  But she did drugs with him and his friends and bought him presents.  He didn’t want me to leave but I loved him too much to stay.  I remember telling myself that no matter how hard it was to leave that someday I would be over him if I left.  I am still waiting to be over him.  I loved loving him.  He married her.  They are still married.  I am not sure what she endured to stay married to him.  She even got a job at the college I worked at for 19 years. I couldn’t believe it.  She was always checking up on me. His dad came to see me at my new position two years ago.  I asked how he knew where I was.  She had told him…  It bugged me that she knew where I was.  She had my boyfriend, wasn’t that enough?!

So now, I weigh 230 pounds and most of the time ignore it.  What did being pretty and smart get me?  Not much.  Maybe out of a few tickets, a seat in on a crowded bus, free drinks, and  attention I didn’t want.  At 230 pounds, no one notices you.  No one tells you are are pretty.  It is like I am invisible.    Maybe it’s why I want to lose weight and don’t.   If I really wanted to, wouldn’t I?  I am a pretty strong willed woman and have managed to obtain many goals I have set for myself.  I have never ever ever weighed this much.  170 is the most.  I was easy to lose the 40 pounds.

I live sometimes in What If Land and wish that he were there with me.  I wish things were before the drugs.

I just go on with my life.  Soon I will have a Masters in Special Education.    I will pass the last portion of the CSET.  I will keep getting credentials and maybe another Masters or two.  I will pay off my house.  All of these things are within my control.  Love is not.  And it’s breaking my heart.  The weight thing - what’s up with that?

I usually just think about him and not write about him.  I ran into him on the day I was registering for wedding gifts with my now ex-husband.  It was an omen I am sure.  I ran into him when I was going out of town with a guy who was totally in love with me.  I couldn’t go with him after that.  I saw him at the fair last year and hid.

I know I am silly and need to let him go.  It’s hard to be 42 and feel like a 26 year old with a broken heart.

But I loved him so much.  I can still see his face, his smile, and hear his laugh.  It would have been better if he had died.  At least I could have mourned his death and know he isn’t still out there.

I don’t know where I am going with this.  I am thinking of him too much today.  And trust me, not even a Twinkie can squash these memories.  I feel like a county song.

Hugs -