Trying to get the feeling again…

So, I was with my skinny friends Jan and Julie, you would hate them because they are thin and beautiful but you can’t because they are so flipping nice it hurts.  I guess that’s why they are my friends.  I was listening to them talking about how they “forget” to eat?  How in the hell does one “forget” to eat?  I mean I have worked 60 hours a week, spent 20 hours doing homework and gone to college full time and never have I “forgot” to eat!!!  Is this the secret to being skinny?   Jan is 5′10 and is a size four - not kidding.  Julie is 5′3 and a size 2.  When she got divorced, she almost disappeared because she was too depressed to eat.  When I got divorced I ate everything in sight and gained weight.  My grandmother told me she couldn’t believe I gained weight.  What was wrong with me, she said.  I should have lost weight.  Sorry grandma - it doesn’t work that way for me.  Eating makes me feel good.  Eating soothes me.  Food is the hug I don’t have to beg for.  It’s the comfort that lulls me to sleep. 

On another note, thank you for all of your support regarding my Precious Purr kitty and the BF.  I feel numb with all of it.  All I can say is that I am so happy I am not a man.  My BF says I hate men.  Not true, I just haven’t met one that hasn’t made me feel like shit.  Maybe it started when my grandfather felt it was okay to molest me at 4 years old or the fact that my father didn’t talk to me for 7 years because I didn’t call him back on his birthday because my granddaughter was being BORN and he wasn’t home when I called the first time.  I don’t know.  Men are scary creatures to me because I haven’t met one that hasn’t hurt me.   Maybe I need to see my therapist again. 

I will work on forgetting to eat because I don’t think it’s healthy that I have such an attachment to food.  I need a real hug.

Hi - I did not fall off the face of the Earth although it feels like it.  I took the CSET and think I failed it.  It takes a MONTH to receive the scores.  I hate that damn test.   I bite the big wang at Math/Science.  If I were good at it, I would have went into computer programing! 

Kevin (my BF) sister is coming in from Boston tonight along with her husband.  Laurie is special.  Kevin was adopted a a very young age.  Laurie is his birthsister.  She was 8 when he was born.  Thier mother, Kay, was divorced and 35.  Kevin’s dad was 19 and they were not married.  The relationship did not work out and Kay took her children and left.  She told Kevin’s father that he was not really the father and left.  Laurie stayed home from school for 6 months and took care of “her baby”.  One day, Kay and Laurie took Kevin to a house and dropped him off.  Laurie never saw him again.  When Laurie asked about Kevin, she was told he was dead and to never bring him up again.  In her heart, she knew this was not true but did not know how to find him.   When I started dated my honey and found out he was adopted, (I am too) I begged him to let me and my friend find his family as his adoptive parents are dead.  With his approval, the search began and we found Laurie in Boston.  She cried when she found out “her Kevin” was not dead but instead a grown man and living not too far where from she grew up.  She came out when we found her three years ago and is the biggest blessing anyone could ask for.  She is wonderful and Kevin is so lucky to have her in his life.  Kay died in 1999 but as I told Kevin, Laurie is the one who really took care of him and she is the one who always loved him.   This story always makes me cry. 

Long story, not short - things needed to get done around the house.  It has been a s-l-o-w process and I chuckle when I read Island Girl’s blogs and her frustration because I think we live with the same man.  The way to get them moving is to invite company or have a party.  I invited company.  The last two weeks have been hell with me averaging 4 hours a night of sleep.  I painted two bedrooms last night and went to bed at 2 p.m.  We are not done but progress has been made.  Shutters have been installed, carpet is finally in the bedrooms and well, the painting is not done but getting there.  I am afraid he will stop doing anything as his most favorite thing in the world is to watch television and movies. 

I also quit my job after 19 years.  That is another blog.  It has been a hard adjustment to get used to. 

I am sitting her listening to Prince.  I put him on the get me off my butt.  I am tired.  Kevin won’t be here until 12:30 a.m. with his sister.  I get to sleep in until 7:30 before I go to work.  At some point, I am going to fall down.  I drank my first RockStar Energy drink today - sugarfree of course.  Not sure if it did anything for me.  I think I am too tired for it to pep me up. 

Okay back to work.  Thank you for those who checked in on me because I haven’t blogged lately.  I so appreciate it.  The emails came when I was feeling very unimportant. 

Have a wonderful day/week/weekend. 

 Big Hugs

Bobbie