Trying to get the feeling again…

I want to be thin again so much it hurts.  Now that I have come out of my coma, what in the hell was I thinking when I was going through the drive thru at 10:30 at night or eating Jack in the Box tacos at midnight with my honey?  Today it sounds to stupid to look back at the abuse I did to myself.  This is not a proud moment but I have to write it so it is out of my system.  Once, I even went to two seperate McDonalds because I was too embarrassed to order all of the food at one.  Obviously I wasn’t embarrassed enough - I still did it.  I think at one I ordered a double cheeseburger and large fries and the other one I ordered a large fries and a grilled snackwrap and a chocolate sundae.  I only did that once.  But still.  What was I thinking…

I went grocery shopping today.  Ever feel like your honey is not on board with you?  He was complaining that we didn’t have any snacks in the house.  So in part of the cart I have grapefruit juice, V-8, Lean Cuisine,  Lean Pockets, veggies, sunflower seeds, beef jerkey, and Diet Pepsi.  In the other part I have Hot Tamales, Milk Duds, Potato Chips, Dip, Oreo Cookies, Coke, 7-Up, Marie Calendar’s dinners, bagels, Bacon, Frozen Pizza, and Fried Shrimp.  I am thinking to myself, “Self, could this feel more like an uphill battle than it already does?”  “Can I please get some flippin’ support here!”  Good thing I don’t really like any of the junk things he likes.  I looked at icecream for 30 seconds and walked QUICKLY away.  Who am I kidding!   He went to the donut shop yesterday and brought me back a muffin.  Did I ASK for a muffin, no!  But he was trying to be nice and thought it was better than a donut I guess.  I said thank you, ate a cheese stick and threw half of the muffin away.  I did eat half though but I did not beat myself up over it.  Today, I was in training and went to Taco Bell.  I ordered a Fiesta Salad but only ate half of the bowl.  Do you know how many calories I saved doing that?!  Next time it will only be two Tacos, Fresco Style.  But I am learning. 

 I don’t think my honey wants me thin or he doesn’t worry about it.  I haven’t come up with a verdict yet.  Luckily we are not home at the same time too often.  Most meals will not be a problem.  But it does seem like the entire world wants to go out and eat.  I am just learning how to deal with it.   Most of my friends need to lose weight.  But I don’t talk about what I am doing with them.  I have found in the past, people aren’t supportive. 

On our breaks during training, I walk around.  Walking is something I am trying to squeeze in.  On the last break Denise came up to me and said, “I realize now what you are doing.  You are walking!”  I pled guilty to the charge and told her I am working on a new me.  She thought it was a fabulous idea and asked if she could walk with me next time.  I told her sure and also told her about 3fatchicks and how helpful it is to blog. 

So this is my day.  Will I make it to the first 35 pounds?  I have lost 6 pounds so far.