Trying to get the feeling again…

I have to take the CSET in the morning.  I have passed Subsets I and III.  I am having trouble with Subset II - Math/Science.  I didn’t pass it last time by 5 points.  I cried…  It’s so frustrating.  I have completed all the course work for two credentials (special ed mild/moderate and multiple subject) and this test is keeping me from starting my student teaching.  Does it not matter that the lowest grade I earned through the ENTIRE two credential programs I took was an A-?   This is where I try NOT to think negative thoughts about Mr. G.W. Bush.  Oh, but it’s hard. 

 Just in case you didn’t know, a full moon is never in the sky as the same time as the sun.  (CSET question)

 Please keep your fingers crossed and pray for me on July 21st between 8 a.m. - noon.

 Big Hugs

 Bobbie

I haven’t been on, my BF has been home.  Love him but sometimes he is around too much.  When there are things to do, like remodel the house, I don’t have time to sit around and watch tv!  GROWL!  It is such a waste of time!  Hi sister is coming in less than two weeks to visit from Boston and there are lots of things to get done.  So far, it’s been up to me to do it.  He owns over 2000 movies and buys at least 2 new ones a week.  He TIVOs hours of worthless programing - how many episodes of the Deadliest Catch can one person watch?  There is too much to do and spending two to three hours a day is not getting it done.  (slowly climbing off of soap box)

 I am 100% convinced that people are jealous when they hear you are trying to lose weight.  I made a very casual comment about not wanting tacos as 1 a.m. and he, the BF, replied, “Oh, we’re not dieting AGAIN, are we?”  I ignored the remark and said no, I don’t want to eat something that is going to give me a stomach ache.  I can tell, though, that I cannot tell him what I am doing.  It is really hard when he is home because every meal is a fatfest and dripping with calories.  I have to work really hard the 4 days he is not home because the 3 he is makes it very rough.  But I will stick to it.  It’s just hard.  I haven’t lost any weight this week.  But I am trying not to be too rough.  I had my Boca Burger with lots of veggies tonight.  At Taco Bell, I ordered a taco without the cheese and had a pintos and cheese instead of the bean burrito.  I had an unplanned meal day because of work. 

 I am super tired.  I want to be thin.  I hate being fat.  I hate looking at myself and wondering where this ugly woman came from. My face is huge.  I don’t like looking at me.  I avoid mirrors and reflections.  Time for bed. 

 Sweet dreams my friends. 

I am angry, pissed, fed up and damn mad.  I may blog about why later.  But the good thing is that when I am angry - I realize I turn to food to make me feel better.  With that in mind and trying to have an I don’t give a damn attitude, I reached in the freezer and made some conscience decisions.  I knew I was going to eat, there was no way around it.  So eat I did.  I ate a few crumbs - literally that’s all there was- of corn chips then threw them away.  I grabbed a Boca burger patty and popped it in the microwave.  I put lots of mustard (I don’t like mayo) and lettuce, onions, and tomoatos on a bun (it was white - I’ll need to get whole wheat but I am not going to beat myself up over that) and plopped my fake patty on top.  Yummy - and it tasted like cheating.  I ate a bunch of radishes - lots of good crunch - I may go for seconds with them.  I also sliced and ate a tomato on the side.  I am proud of myself that I could handle this situation with some pretty decent food choices.  Thank you Boca for being there.   I am still angry but I don’t feel guilty.  And I won’t hate myself in the morning.  Boy, it’s been a long time since I said that. 

I want to be thin again so much it hurts.  Now that I have come out of my coma, what in the hell was I thinking when I was going through the drive thru at 10:30 at night or eating Jack in the Box tacos at midnight with my honey?  Today it sounds to stupid to look back at the abuse I did to myself.  This is not a proud moment but I have to write it so it is out of my system.  Once, I even went to two seperate McDonalds because I was too embarrassed to order all of the food at one.  Obviously I wasn’t embarrassed enough - I still did it.  I think at one I ordered a double cheeseburger and large fries and the other one I ordered a large fries and a grilled snackwrap and a chocolate sundae.  I only did that once.  But still.  What was I thinking…

I went grocery shopping today.  Ever feel like your honey is not on board with you?  He was complaining that we didn’t have any snacks in the house.  So in part of the cart I have grapefruit juice, V-8, Lean Cuisine,  Lean Pockets, veggies, sunflower seeds, beef jerkey, and Diet Pepsi.  In the other part I have Hot Tamales, Milk Duds, Potato Chips, Dip, Oreo Cookies, Coke, 7-Up, Marie Calendar’s dinners, bagels, Bacon, Frozen Pizza, and Fried Shrimp.  I am thinking to myself, “Self, could this feel more like an uphill battle than it already does?”  “Can I please get some flippin’ support here!”  Good thing I don’t really like any of the junk things he likes.  I looked at icecream for 30 seconds and walked QUICKLY away.  Who am I kidding!   He went to the donut shop yesterday and brought me back a muffin.  Did I ASK for a muffin, no!  But he was trying to be nice and thought it was better than a donut I guess.  I said thank you, ate a cheese stick and threw half of the muffin away.  I did eat half though but I did not beat myself up over it.  Today, I was in training and went to Taco Bell.  I ordered a Fiesta Salad but only ate half of the bowl.  Do you know how many calories I saved doing that?!  Next time it will only be two Tacos, Fresco Style.  But I am learning. 

 I don’t think my honey wants me thin or he doesn’t worry about it.  I haven’t come up with a verdict yet.  Luckily we are not home at the same time too often.  Most meals will not be a problem.  But it does seem like the entire world wants to go out and eat.  I am just learning how to deal with it.   Most of my friends need to lose weight.  But I don’t talk about what I am doing with them.  I have found in the past, people aren’t supportive. 

On our breaks during training, I walk around.  Walking is something I am trying to squeeze in.  On the last break Denise came up to me and said, “I realize now what you are doing.  You are walking!”  I pled guilty to the charge and told her I am working on a new me.  She thought it was a fabulous idea and asked if she could walk with me next time.  I told her sure and also told her about 3fatchicks and how helpful it is to blog. 

So this is my day.  Will I make it to the first 35 pounds?  I have lost 6 pounds so far. 

I went bathing suit shopping.  Tried a couple on.  Didn’t buy one though. Not because I looked bad - I know I did but because the one I have is fine and I know that next month, I will be smaller.  I looked at clothes and did not get depressed.  I got excited.  Why,would I at 230 lbs be excited at looking at clothes?  Because I looked at the ones I will be able to wear.  I did buy some makeup.  Lancome is having gift with purchase and the store was having a NO TAX day.  Doesn’t get much better than that.  So, I tried on bathing suits, looked at clothes, and did not get depressed.  I got excited.  I also parked as far away as I could from the store so that I would have to WALK to my car.  And walk I did in 103 degree weather.  I was hungry when I left.  I am trying to eat only when my body cues me to (and what a novel concept that is for me).  I went by McD’s and got a HUGO iced tea with Splenda (no calories) and a salsa grilled chicken snack wrap (250 calories) and it was perfect. 

I am excited with what the future holds.  I have Jell-O in the fridge in case I have a need to eat something sweet and I have 100 calorie popcorn bags on stand by too. 

Thanks for your support. 

Today I feel very proud of myself.  I went through McDonald’s drive thru (cue scary music) and I only ordered a HUGO iced tea!  No french fries (although I thought about it).  I felt like I won a victory after doing that.  I told my boyfriend of my crowning acheivement and he was not as thrilled about it as I.  He was worrying that I should have ordered a salad because I didn’t eat.  I understand his worry but he totally did not get that I was proud of not ordering the ever so tempting McDonald’s french fries.  And no, I am not starving myself. 

I found an online contest page where my exhusbands latest wife posted. She was talking about how they had such an expensive wedding even though people thought they should not have because it was each of their second weddings and in their 20’s they didn’t know better!  HELLO!  I am the second wife.  The one he married in his 30’s.  So far in each decade starting with his early 20’s he has had a different wife.   His third wife totally knows about me because he was married to me when they started seeing each other.   Funny story, I went to buy salsa at a Mexican restaurant and on my way out, noticed a man at a table trying to look invisible.  I got closer and realized it was my ex.  Both he and his wife were trying to hide in there plates.  I chuckled to myself and just walked past them.  I do have some class and would never make a scene.  It was funny seeing them try to disappear.  They were with two other people who were sitting on the other side of the table.  I don’t know them.  I guess I don’t count because my husband and I did not have children together, therefore, there is no “evidence” of our marriage of 10 years….