Trying to get the feeling again…

And I don’t mean in a good way.  The SIL and BIL have moved in.  They have been here almost two months.  It is horrible.  I am so unhappy it’s not even funny.  My husband has jumped my ass at least once a week since they moved in.  It’s like he gets unhappy with them and I get it.  Lock, stock, and both barrels.  I work part time as you may or may not know.  I get paid a good wage to work part time. In short I can make part time what a lot of people make full time.  The other day I got it thrown in my face that I only work 4-5 hours a day and should be able to do MORE around the house.  I admit, our room is very disorganized right now.  It kind of became the dumping ground for everything moved out of the spare room that the B&SIL have taken over.  And I need to find NEW space for everything.  Feeling overwhelmed as it is hasn’t worked well for me in organizing things.  But first I get that I didn’t park the car in the garage correctly, I didn’t plant the plants we bought the day before, I was taking a nap when he came in the door, and our room is a mess.  I seem to have time to do things with my friends but am tired when I am at home.  In the past month, I went out with friends I haven’t seen in 1 year and 24 years on the same night.  And I went to a No Doubt concert for a group birthday.

What was the event that sparked all of this?  Hubby caught S&BIL smoking on the back porch when he had asked them to not smoke near the house anymore because we can’t stand it.  They smoke three packs a day and it’s too much.  One cannont enjoy a swim in the pool or a conversation unless you want to smell smoke.  Okay, and inhale it too.  Come to find out they have been sneaking around like teenagers smoking.  So he semi explodes on them and I get the wrath for not one but count ‘em two days.

They don’t work.  Haven’t been able to find jobs but unless the job is listed on the internet or a resume can be faxed in, they aren’t applying.  Maybe people don’t go out and look for jobs anymore.  I don’t know. BIL hasn’t really worked in over five years.  He decided at 55 he wanted to retire.  Good if you can afford it.  Obviously, not a good move for them.   They are both at least 100 pounds overweight and lazy.

Guess how many time S or BIL have cooked since they have been here?  Done guessing?  One time.  That’s right.  And there wasn’t even enough food for everyone.  LOL  I am not kidding.

What I have noticed is that hubby works nights two nights a week.  On those nights, they go out to dinner because I do not cook. The other nights, they wait for dinner.  I have experimented and not cooked until 8 at night which is not in my style and they will wait until then to eat.  The night we were fighting like cats and dogs, I came out and they were sitting there.  When I finally decided I was starving and put some chicken breasts on to grill, SIL asked if she could “help”  Are you fudging kidding me?  NO!  I can season some chicken and throw it on a grill and make rice.    My son in law comes over once a week and makes dinner for us because that is what he has always done.  Don’t say SIL feels uncomfortable in MY kitchen.  First of all, I am not territorial and second of all, she rearranged the entire thing and the only thing she uses is the toaster to make toast in the morning.  She moved it lower because I had it on a high shelf.   I am not sure why she rearranged the kitchen but she complained to my hubby that I wouldn’t “let” her but she never discussed it with me.  SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Maybe you are thinking, Bobbie you are a dumbshit get rid of these people.  It is not my place and hubby doesn’t agree that they need to leave.  Besides, they have no money and no jobs and according to him, they can’t do anything for two years.  Yes, 24 months.

I keep hoping that things will get better.  That they will get jobs and not always be around.  They don’t go out when hubby is home.  Heaven forbid should we be alone.  They are alone all day long when we are working.

I am lost and tired.  Tomorrow I will go and talk to Cheryl, my therapist.  I will remind myself to breath.  And Anngirl, let’s meet for cocktails and snacks and laugh until our faces hurt and our eyes water.  Even the thought of that just made me smile.

I feel so overloaded I can’t put things down in words.  Maybe I have been afriad if what I would write.  Or maybe, like now, I can’t stop once I start.

I love you chicks.  We are strong.  We are beautiful.   l

Sorry, Im not spell checking.  Goodnight

So, my husband’s sister and husband have moved in with us.  They brought with them a dog named, Bailey.  We don’t have a dog.  Since the dog has been here it has crapped on the brand new carpet six times and just pissed in the room I am in.  It came in here and just did it.  Hubbie has talked to dear sister about this issue and she just tears up.  This is not acceptable to me.  I am having to spray my carpets with cleaner because the dog is obviously not house broken.  I thought all dogs either stayed in a crate, went outside, or went with their owners when the owners left.   I did not know that dogs just stayed around the house all day left to get into garbage cans and piss and poop whereever they felt like.  The dog is an expensive one too.  A pekingese.  It means nothing too me just that someone spent too much money on a stupid dog they didn’t train.   I found out earlier tonight the dog took a crap on their bed earlier.  I mentioned they could wash the cover in the washer but they indicated it was okay because they sprayed the cover.  They also thew in the fact that the dog has never done anything like this before.  I find that hard to believe and wonder how you could love let alone like something that is damned and determined to crap and piss everywhere.  The stupid dogs tongue doesn’t even fit in its mouth.  I am upset because now I have piss on my toes where I stepped in it.

Yes, these are the in laws that lost their home because they spent all their money and the husband hasn’t had a real job in five years.

They smoke too.  So I may die of second hand smoke unless they keep thier promise and quit.  They smoke three packs a day.  Today I was out by the pool and had to keep smelling their smoke.  Give it a break.  Do people really smoke all the flippin’ day long.  I hope they quit for all of our sakes.  July 5th I am putting everyone on WW again.  They know it too.  I told them to enjoy life right now because July 5th the hammer comes down.  They need to lose at least 100 pounds each.

I just got my office back after two weeks.  Sister In laws daughter came out to visit.  She left today. She was nice - this is the first time that I met her.  It’s just been too much though with everything.  My snowglobe world has been shaken up in a major way.  I look forward to the calm.  Not sure what to do about the dog…

It’s Sunday.   The night I am home alone.  Well, unless you count the two kitties that roam the house.  Otherwise it is just me.  At 44 years old, I am pondering my life and the meaning of everything.  Past decisions, future decisions, decisions I never made…  I wish I would have had a better grasp on things when I was younger.  I wish I would have had parents worth a damn.  I think that may have helped.  I am not sure.  Maybe my daughter will feel the same about me.  I don’t know.  I know one thing about me, I tend to make decisions based upon how much they will affect other people.  The less people affected, the easier the decision.   It sucks.  Too bad about how I feel.   So, I will go on with my life, much as I have.  Going forward, learning new things, developing new skills and trying to lose weight.  For such an obsessive control freak you would think I would have that dialed in.  NOPE!  But I do know how to take care of myself and help myself grow.  It’s just sad when you realize that John Wayne was just an actor in a movie and Superman never existed and June Cleaver was a television mom and the job at the brewery that LaVerne and Shirley had sucked.  Oh reality!  That’s why I don’t watch it on tv.  I get enough of it daily. 

I am greatful for good freinds

I am greatful for my health

I am greatful for my granddaughter and daughter

Every day I will remind myself to be greatful of what I do have. 

So I just found out about these good for you noodles.  I am looking for anthing to replace pasta.  Shirataki Noodles.  Has anyone used them or ate them or have an opinion about them?  I know I can go to the Asian market and get them.  Yum.  Now if I could find some good for you rice.  Not whole grain.  It’s okay but it really doesn’t make me smile like good old fashioned white, non-nutritional value, don’t eat too much, rice

That’s right.  I have no voice.  I have sneezed and coughed and drained myself into losing my voice.  It’s okay.  I don’t really need to talk and people tend to leave you alone when you can’t talk.  I went to the store today in search of a bed lounger pillow.  Have been looking for this certain one for days.  I need to sleep sitting up so I don’t choke on my own mucas.  Sorry for being gross - it happens.  I finally found it.  I get obsessive about things I really want.  Maybe because I don’t shop a lot so when I do, I am focused.  I went shopping ugly with no make up, watery eyes, red nose and sweats and a t shirt.  I looked like shit and at this moment in life, I don’t care - I found the pillow!  I am going to change my bed and try it out.  I am so tired for lack of sleep.  But I have been reading a lot and I have put more stuff on line to sell.   It’s better than a garage sale.  Mostly because at a garage sale I usually end up giving stuff away.  I feel so sorry for people.  My thought is that I don’t want it so I should give it to the first person who looks at it.  AND I like to make sure I have cute bags to put their things in so I save all those cute store bags.  I am a sucker.

Life still is what it is.  But I will make it turn around the way I want it to.  I always do.  I just hate doing the work.   I need a facial and massage.  and a pedicure. and some good sex.  (did I say that?!)  LOL! 

Love to all of you.  

Bottom line this week sucked.  Not totally.  I did sub second graders all week and I get the same ones for the next two days.  To say I don’t love them is a total understatment.  They are wonderful.  And so loving.  So they didn’t suck.  But home did and that’s all I can say without sounding like a complete flippin idiot.  But I guess we all have to make compromises and I will volunteer for mine so I can’t go sounding like a victim.  But to say I hate life right now is accurate.  And I don’t want to live to be 90 or even 80.  There is no reason to.  Unless I live that long to do something amazing.  But if it’s to be fat and try to be thin and be disappointed by people AGAIN and all this other shit.  No thank you.  I’m tired of looking for shit to be happy about and greatful for.   This is being written while my kitty is staring at me.  She must know I am in a mood. 

I am going to take a shower, read my Stephanie Plum novel, and go to sleep.  I will enjoy the students tomorrow and bask in their love and teach them the best that I can.  One day at a time… blah blah blah

We leave for Hawaii one month from today.  Going to Oahu.  Hubby has never been.  I need to lose 10 pounds.  I will - I have no desire to eat.  That’s a change.  Again, sick of worrying about how fat I am and how unhealthy it is. 

Love you all.  Sorry for being bitchy.  It just is…

So I went to the doctor.  She is very nice.  She is thin too.  Bitch!  LOL!  My cholosteral is not too high - yet.  My good cholosteral is not high enough and my sugar is not too high - again yet.  She stongly suggested I quit with the simple carbs!  (Fine, pick on the good ones) It is not good to eat rice AND beans says she.  I didn’t know they didn’t go together!  And she says you shouldn’t eat pasta AND garlic bread.  Again, no one ever told me.  I thought they all went together like peanut butter and jelly.  And she wants me to (whimper) exercise more.  Ha!  I need to exercise period.  I need to be like Island Girl and run like the wind.  If I DON’T do these things, my cholestrol will get worse and my insulin will get worse and then I’ll be a fat pill poppin’ mofo.  After thinking about everything I can do this. You know why?  Because unless I get hit by a Mack Truck, I’ve got another 45-50 years to live.  The women in my family on both sides live to be very old.  Since that is the case, I don’t want to be old before my time and be popping pills left and right. Besides, that shit gets expensive.  I don’t want to have to sell one of my cats in order to pay for my medications that will line the shelves in my bathroom.  I’ll keep people entertained by showing them all my pills and explaining what each and everyone is for.  UGH!  Okay Doc, I got the memo.  Loose some weight, eat better, and shake your money maker.  Oh, she said that she would like to see me around 160 pounds.  I laughed and said well that makes two of us.  I am fat and as a fattie, I am supposed to be funny.  So we are looking at 50 pounds.  Well, at least I have lost some weight and it’s not 90 pounds like it was before.  So yeah me.  Besides, I was looking at a picture today vs. a picture of a few years back when I was thinner and I think the fat makes my eyes smaller.  They don’t look as big in current pictures.  Stupid fat face!

Since I am getting rid of things, so far this week I have sold, 1 2001 Dodge Truck, 1 Dean Koontz novel, 1 telephone/answering machine system, and 1 GPS tracker.  All online, thank you very much.  I am eyeballing everything to see what to sell next.

I am going to take a shower and read.  I ate my final carbed filled meal tonight and topped it off with Good N Plentys.  I told my hubby well at Taco Bell, I can have their Pintos.  No cheese.  Just pintos.  I’ll just bring along my own whole grain tortilla.

I would appreciate some low carb ideas from my fellow chicks.  Good night sweet ladies

Or is is something worse?

Why is it that the truth is always lurking around the corner waiting to jump out and reveal itself?

I just need to go to sleep and call it a day. 

I got a call from the doctor’s office.  I went in on Saturday and had a fasting blood test.  Results are in and now she wants to talk to me about my lipid panel.  Ugh.  My appointment is Monday afternoon.  It’s the earliest they could get me in.  I know I have been borderline high cholesterol for a while but no one really ever talked to me about it.  They just sent the resuls and said you should try to improve your diet and exercise.  So, I know after Monday, I will have to be good.  She already wants me to drop 20 and exercise and that was BEFORE the blood test. 

That is the title of a Designing Women episode.  I just watched the DVD.  I love DW.   This episode got to me because as you may remember if you watched the show, Suzanne Sugarbaker aka Delta Burke gained weight.  And everyone noticed.  Suzanne was to go to her high school reunion and overheard people making comments about how fat she was and it hurt her feelings.  It reminded me of when I walked into someone’s office and overheard them saying that I used to be so beautiful before I gained so much weight.  It stung.  But I have relized over the years that life is woven with good days and bad days and fat years and skinny years.  I also know what it took to be thin.  Delta Burke also talked about in an interview I read what she went through to be thin.  I know about the starvation, eating one meal a day, throwing up, and exercising my ass off.  I was more unhappy then than I am now.  Being thin didn’t make anyone love me more or treat me better. 

I am glad Kevin only knows me chubby.  When I lose weight, it is not expected.  Being healthy is encouraged but fitting into a size 6 is not expected.  I know what it takes to be 5′7 and 125 pounds.  It means going to bed hungry and waking up hungry.  It means 1200 calories a day and worrying about 5 pounds.  

It is sad when we have to feel bad or be talked about for gaining weight.  Men do it all the time and they lose their damn hair and no one says a word. 

I hope they don’t shoot fat women, because if they do, I’m firing back.  And it won’t be pretty.