Una ragazza magra

Well, today started out really well.  It’s a tough diet these first four days.  The ladies at my center call it “the four days of misery.”  Basically what’s so hard about it is I have to eat a TON of vegetables.  Dinner is the worst where I have to have 8 oz. of salad veggies (lettuce, broccolli, cucumber, etc.) and 4 oz. of cooked veggies.  Have you ever seen 8 oz. of lettuce?!?  It’s like a bag and a half of the prewashed stuff.  So, it’s a good idea to weigh it down with some cucumber, but I really don’t like them.

Anyway, I did a stellar job of following the plan all through dinner.  I even choked down the cucumber.  Then what did I do?  I come home and decide that I’m hungry (I really was), so I decided to “make my husband’s lunch for tomorrow.”  I ate probably a serving of pringles and a little taste of cheesecake filling.  Overall, the calories aren’t that bad, but I’m just angry with myself for doing it.  I didn’t need those pringles– it was more just because they were there.  By that point I had already had whar I was allowed to have, so hunger wasn’t the real issue. 

The more I see of my backsliding or return to old behavior patterns, the more I’m convinced that I really am addicted to food.  There’s no other explanation for my total lack of self control.  Yes, I’m tired of being so restricted and being on a diet for so long, but why can’t I just make myself stick to the plan, get the weight off, and then incorporate more foods in moderation.  That seems to be the diet buzzword, and none of us would be in our present situations if we could do that.  That’s why I really believe this is an addiction. 

That said, tomorrow I will do better.  Today at least I made a food plan for the rest of the week and prepped all my veggies and meat, etc. so i can just grab and go (schedule is still really hectic this week with school).  That took about two hours (since I don’t have a kitchen due to the remodel), but it was well worth it because I know if I hadn’t done that, I would have totally failed this week, and that’s not going to happen this time around.  Tomorrow I’m going to just not linger in the family room (our “kitchen” right now) around my husband’s snacks but instead go staight up the bedroom to work on homework.

MRC weight :  171– this is down 1/2 lb. from Friday, don’t ask me how.  At least I didn’t gain due to the baby shower incident.  I’m going to get right back on plan tomorrow, and I should be able to do things almost perfectly until my next WI, so hopefully I’ll show another big loss.

The weekend has always presented me with difficulty, and this weekend was no different.  I went to a baby shower on Saturday (I was one of the hostesses, so I had a bit of the food prep issue).  I did really well at first.  I got a big scoop of fruit salad (no added sugar), but the mini-quiches got me.  I was hungry because it was an early shower, and I am NOT a morning person, so I ate “breakfast,” which was about half of what I was supposed to have, on the way, so by the time the shower food was out, I was starving.  I ate 6 mini quiches (330 calories), a couple of bites of a muffin, and a little cinnamon sugar cream cheese square thing. 

I tried to get right back on track, but that night I had two lunchables (the tiny kinds, so probably about 400 calories total).  I think I was just so mad at myself for cheating that I let the “all or nothing” mentality take over.  That was not an issue for me when I first started dieting last fall, but it’s become more of one lately, especially since I just restarted and had this idea of having to do everything perfectly.

This morning I was up a couple of pounds, and I’m assuming it’s mostly the salt.  I’m trying to drink a lot today, and I’m back on for the most part (I had a few of my husband’s pringles– all or nothing carryover from yesterday), and except for that, I’ve been good.  Hopefully I’ll be back to normal by tomorrow’s weigh in.  Regardless, I’m in a much better place than I was a week ago, so either way I’ve moved forward.

These next ten days will be more regimented than normal, but I think that will be good for me.  I plan to order some shakes so I can do metaquick while I’m at my grandma’s if need be.  I’ll probably test things out, and then if I can’t handle it and need the convenience of the shake/bar thing, then I’ll do that.  At least she’s not well enough to be cooking and baking like she used to do all the time, so I won’t have to worry about that.

weight at home:  172.5 (up 3 lbs. from Friday morning)

Yes, you read that right.  I have actually lost 10 lbs. since Monday– that’s according to my scale and to the scale at MRC.  Go me!!

Also, I bought a couple of dresses just before I started (size 12– wouldn’t zip up), and I tried them on today, and they totally fit, zipped and comfortable.  So, I’m doing what every rational dieter would do and taking them back to exchange for the next size down that won’t fit, lol.  I want to wear one of them to a wedding on May 15th, and it only lacks maybe an inch of closing, so I should be able to lose that if I really try.  It’s in the bust area, and that’s where I lose first anyhow.

I just can’t believe it happened so fast like that.  It hasn’t even been a full week.  I only lost 9 lbs. in preconditioning the first time I did this diet.  I did find out that I have to do a bit of a different eating plan for the first 10 days after preconditioning.  One of the ladies there calls it “four days of misery,” but it doesn’t really look that bad to me.  It’s a lot of veggies and a lot of cheese, but I love cheese, so bring it on.  It’s just extremely strict.  The calories are very low, but the high protein as well as the fiber from the veggies keep you full.  I think one of my bigger problems was that toward the end I was subbing applesauce for my veggies way too often.  This time around I really am going to follow it to the letter, even if it means eating broccolli– ick.  I do think I’m going to cheat a bit and have green beans instead.  They don’t like that because they’re canned and have more sodium, but I think I’m giving up the broccolli battle.  I’m just not a veggie person, so canned green beans it is.  I’ll switch to fresh as soon as they’re available this summer.  Last time around I was dieting in the winter.

Anyway, I’m pretty happy with things so far.  I’m looking forward to WI again on Monday (it’s a nice feeling to be able to say that again).  I’m getting a haircut and a massage on Monday as my “reward” for losing ten pounds.  I’m going to start that up again, but I won’t do anything big until I’m back on track from where I was before.  I only have about 8 lbs. to go, and it will be like nothing even happened.  Hopefully that only takes a couple more weeks.

weight at home:  169.5

MRC weight:  171.5

Today went pretty well.  I had a graham cracker (just one square) and five pretzel sticks (the teeny ones, not the big ones) that weren’t technically on my plan, but I didn’t have my 1/2 cup of orange juice for lunch, so I figure it kind of evens out.  Once I start my real menu next week, I’m going to try to be very strict and not deviate at all.  I seemed to do better with things when cheating wasn’t even an option in my mind.  So, I’m going to try to start out just like I did when I had 80 lbs. to lose.  Now it’s only 30, but I can do just as well, and I’m just as motivated.  Plus, this time around I do know the plan works, so there’s no question about that.

This next week I think I’m going to do metaquick.  Normally I wouldn’t do that the first week, but since I’m going to be very busy with school, etc., it might be easier.  On the other hand, the following week I will be staying with my grandma (taking care of her while my grandpa has knee surgery), so it might be better to save that convenience for the second week.  I’ll have to think about it.   I need to ask some questions about my menu tomorrow at WI anyway.  I think it might be a little different this time since I’m starting at a lower weight.

For the first time in a while I’m actually excited to go to WI.  I’m expecting really good news since that’s what the scale shows at home and at the gym.  They have one of those doctor’s scales at my gym, and I’m looking forward to the day when I don’t have to move the big bar over to 150 and can just leave it at 100… Already, though, I’m almost under 170 on that scale.  I haven’t been that in a while.

At home this morning I was up a pound, but I’m still at an overall loss of 8 lbs. since day one (it was day four today), so I’m still a happy girl.  I can’t wait to update my weight ticker tomorrow.

weight at home:  171.5

Today went fairly well again until the evening.  That is the time I struggle the most.  I never used to be an evening snacker, but I’m always hungry in the evenings, and I’m not as busy (I should be doing homework, but usually I don’t), and things are not as regimented for me as they are during the day (no food in the office, and the vending machine never gives me trouble).  I had more cereal than I should have, and I had an extra spoonful of peanut butter.  It probably won’t kill me, but I don’t want to start off badly. 

I’m looking forward to a loss tomorrow morning, but I’m not expecting as big of one as I had this morning, of course.  On the bright side, I weighed 174 at the gym, and that scale is pretty accurate, and I haven’t been that in at least a week when I’ve weighed at the gym. 

I’ve hung up a couple of new dresses I bought the other day to wear to a wedding mid-may.  They lack a couple inches of zipping, but I think I might be able to fit into them in a month.  If not, I did keep the receipt, and I have 90 days to return them.  They’re providing me with some motivation, though.  They’re both sleeveless, and I never would have worn that before I lost weight.  They’re size 12s, but I always wear a couple sizes higher in dresses than I do in anything else.  Has anyone else noticed that?

weight at home: 174

Yesterday went pretty well.  I was really hungry at night, so I had an extra couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter.  The lady at the center told me I could have anything on that sheet as a snack, so I suppose it was okay.  I really wanted to do without the snacks, but oh well.  My schedule makes it difficult because mealtimes are not ideally spread apart evenly as they would be if my work/school schedule weren’t so crazy.  I only have a couple more weeks of that left, though, so that’s good.

I’m updating my weight ticker, so it will now be displaying my real weight.  When I went in to weigh, the lady said, “Wow.  You haven’t weighed that since December 1st.”  I thought that was rather insensitive.  I mean, I’m back and re-enrolled, so obviously I realize there’s a problem, and I knew how much weight I had gained.  It was like she thought I wasn’t properly humble or upset about it.  I knew what the scale was going to show.  Now I just need to stay positive.  She’s one of the people in there who have never had a weight problem ever.  Some of them have been through the program, and some of them haven’t.  Most of the ones who haven’t are fine, but I have never really liked her very much.  She just tends to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.  Okay– just needed to vent.

weight at home (Monday): 179.5

MRC weight:  181.5

As a side note, I’ve already weighed this morning (Tuesday), and it’s 174, so I’m dropping fast.  I know that’s not real fat, but it’s still a good loss of something.

Tomorrow, when I get weighed, I’ll be updating my weight numbers, and on May 1st I’ll post another picture like I used to do at the start of every month.  I fear I will still be higher than I was with the last picture, but that’s just the way it is, I guess.  I think I’ll start adding my measurements to it as well.

So, after about a six week absence, I’m back to blogging and back to dieting.  As you might remember, my big problems started when my husband got back from Iraq– celebratory eating out, visiting relatives with food, etc.  In that first week I gained a whopping TEN pounds.  However, the next week I really worked hard and lost it all (we’re talking hour long elliptical sessions, strictly adhering to my diet, the works).

The week after that was spring break at my aunt’s house in Florida.  She’s a baker, and she made all of my favorite foods, and I just didn’t say no to myself.  So, that weight came right back on.  Ever since, I’ve been halfheartedly dieting, but I’ve basically stayed the same– about 15 lbs. up from my lowest weight ever.

I was supposed to go on stabilization, but, to make a long story short, I decided to re-enroll for another 17 weeks to really lose all the weight I want to lose before stabilizing.  I have about 30 lbs. to go to reach my ultimate goal of 145, which may still be a bit low.  I’m starting on pre-conditioning tomorrow because that really helps ward off the headaches and hunger, which I’ve been experiencing every time I try to re-start my diet cold turkey.  I can take it for a day or two, and then the hunger gets to me, and I completely fall off plan.

Although this will end up taking me most of the summer, I really think that continuing to diet is the right thing to do.  Even though I’m restarting, I don’t feel like a total failure, and here’s why:

1. I will have been on a diet for a whole year when this is over.  I told my mom that, and she said, “Oh, how depressing!” (she’s on the same plan I am).  However, I don’t find it depressing at all.  On the contrary, I think it’s a huge achievement.  There has never been another time in my life where I have put forth a concerted effort at dieting for longer than 4-5 months.  That means I really may be able to keep this up long term
2. I have not stopped exercising.  I’ve had my ups and downs recently, especially when they changed my personal trainer allowance (that threw me for a loop– I only work out with him once a week instead of five times now), but overall I’ve still continued to make it to the gym on a very regular basis (not less than 3 times a week and most of the time 5).  It really might even be a good thing that I’m only working out with my trainer once a week.  That forces me to take some initiative, be more responsible for myself and make it my own habit.  I’ve been working out since the beginning of December now.
3. I still have some major food issues.  It’s really easy to slip back into old patterns.  It’s easy to get overconfident and just tired of dieting.  This will be a lifelong battle.  Even if/when I do make it to my goal weight, I will always fluctuate up and down, and I will always have to fight with myself about food.  This will never end– and that’s okay.  I just have to learn how to cope with that.
4. I truly do feel better when I’m thin– physically, emotionally, in every way.  With just 15 lbs. I can tell a difference in running, in walking up the stairs, in just walking, period.  I can see the difference in my face, and I can see it in how my clothes fit.  I feel so fat, and a few months ago, I was happy to be at this size and felt thin.  It just shows how quickly your perspective can change.  I want the confidence back, and I want my clothes back, lol.  I’m not technically “out” of them yet, but much more weight, and I would be.  I can’t wear a couple of pairs of jeans I was wearing, and a few tops are not as attractive as they used to be.

So, now is the time to get back on track and stop this pattern before it takes me back too far.  Thirty pounds is not a lot when I lost 60 before.  I’m looking forward to the end of the semester in a couple of weeks, and then I’ll have more time for exercise and cooking and meal planning.  I’m hoping that helps, but I don’t want to wait that long to get back on track.  I contemplated that because I’m super busy right now, but I can’t push off being healthy, and it’s better to halt the downward (or upward, depending on how you look at it) spiral.

….not a bad food day, but a bad day.

After several things had already gone wrong this morning (burning dinner in the crock pot, leaving late, forgetting my ipod, etc.) I went to my workout only to find that the fitness company that my husband’s company contracts their gym staff out to has changed their policy on personal training.  From now on, people can only work out with a trainer once a week and only if they complete their workouts on their own at least two other times that week.

So, this is going to be a real adjustment.  At first I was almost ready to cry.  I know that sounds silly, but I feel like a big part of the reason I’ve been successful in sticking with an exercise program is that I’ve had an appointment with someone.  I know it doesn’t have to be that way, but i was just really afraid at first.

Now, however, I’m starting to think it might not be so bad.  I can’t depend on this one person forever, and at least at this point I have had the habit established for four months.  Also, I have the chance to reevaluate/make some workout goals.  I don’t want big muscles or anything, so it’s not like weightlifting is my primary reason for working out.  With this new program, I only have to lift three days a week, so I can do that on Mon, Weds, Fri.  Then, on Tuesday and Thursday I can just do cardio, but I can do it for longer, hence burning more calories.  Also, I won’t be completely on my own– I will be working out with him once a week, so that’s something.  At least that will be a time for questions and stuff if I have them.

As far as eating went today, I did very well.  I got really hungry tonight, so I had some strawberries and a few pretzels, so not too bad.  I’ve started to deal with the idea of a slower weight loss.  I am still trying to lose the weight I gained last week, of course, but maybe it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t lose it all this week.  I just need to find some balance.

weight at home: 170.5

calories in:  915

calories burned:  300  (I was feeling a bit sick-not sure if it’s because I’m eating much less food now or if I was just having a bad morning, but I only walked a mile, so the lack of running or elliptical affected my calorie burn.)

net calories:  615

I haven’t posted in a few weeks, so it’s time to get back in the habit.  Here’s what happened in the meantime:

My husband got back from Iraq, which is what has caused the major upset to my routine.  During the week he got back, I gained about ten pounds!  There were so many people who wanted to take us out to eat, etc. that it was just impossible to stay on a diet.  I weighed myself the following Monday after all of the initial craziness was over, and I had gained nine pounds.  However, I don’t think they were all “fat” because in five days I had lost it all again.  It took a lot of hard work at the gym (40 minutes of elliptical to burn 600 calories a day plus the weights workout with my trainer, plus a very strict caloric intake (2 bars plus HNS for breakfast and lunch, then a normal dinner– about 800-900 calories a day), but I did in fact lose it all.

Then, however, we went to Florida for Spring Break.  We stayed with my aunt, who is a big baker and loves to cook, so I had little control over my food choices, and she of course did lots of baking prior to our arrival, which made it even more difficult to make the right choices, even when they were available.  So, inevitably, I put the ten pounds right back on.

As of today, I weighed 169.5 this morning at home (158.5 is my lowest ever weight at home).  So, my goal is to take all of that back off again this week (once again, I’m assuming it’s not all fat, so it should come off more quickly than “real” weight would).  I’m supposed to start stabilization any time now, but they don’t seem to be too worried about it, so I probably won’t go back in this week and maybe the next so I can get back down where I was before I start stabilization.  I have almost accepted that I won’t be where I want to be before stabilization, so I need to just go ahead and do it and then try to take off more weight on my own afterward.

This summer I will have fewer distractions, but I will also have less structure to my days, which tends to make it more difficult.  So, for now I’m going to concentrate on that ten pounds this week, and then I will reevaluate next weekend.  I plan to start posting regularly again– I think it helps me focus, and this week will be grueling, I know, so I need all the help I can get.

Part of the problem, I think, is that when I go so strict on the diet/exercise, I go crazy that next week when I’m “off” the diet.  Toward the end of this week, my calorie intake really went down, and I think it was just because I got over the initial “I can eat now!  Bring it on!” mentality.  This is really something I need to work on for long term maintenance.

weight at home: 169.5