My last whine for a while, I promise. Last week was hormone hell but now that it is faded away I can start to think through things again. I got a bit distracted with a romantic fantasy that has also faded away (thank goodness) and I am back to living my reality.
Which is, that I have about 3 years to get my life straightened around to the point where I can uproot myself and head off to the next stage, whatever that might be. I know that my job will end then, and I need to use this time to get my financial situtation under control, plan for whatever it is I want to do and make sure that I am well-positioned for it. I’m a single woman looking at her fifties - I have to be careful to calculate the risks and have some backup plans in place when I head into a transition time.
Being physically healthy is going to be so important. My family has some nasty health stories travelling down through the generations, and there will be no one to take care of me if one of those nasties bites me. I will have to be able to manage through it all myself. And then there will be old age…so, physical health, financial health, mental health…all things I have to pay attention to and take advantage of this brief period remaining of stability and relative prosperity. I need a plan that goes beyond fantasy…(really, I’d be embarrased to describe it but I admit it was fun for a few weeks).
I have developed some indulgences that exercise is helping to counteract but not entirely. Cheese, wine, and fantastic breads are some of them. I need to ratchet back the treats to special occassions. I have done it with chocolate, designer shoes and other goodies, so I know it is all about motivation. and back on the exercise kick, now that my injuries have healed. More vitamins and more fruit and veggie juices and smoothies. Then I will have the mental energy to plan for the rest of it.
Ah, it all looks so easy on paper.
Last night I was cleaning out my closet and found a bikini I bought ages ago and never ever wore. (Obviously I have been scarily optimistic at certain points in my life.) I tried it on and took some pictures. I am still busting out in all directions but my gosh! I have some sort of shape. And I don’t look like I am made of tofu. I could still lose 30 lbs but that’s better than having 45 to lose. Maybe if I have the nerve some day I will post ‘before and after’ shots. Once I get to the ‘after’.
It is a grey cold day which fits my mood perfectly. Boy, I am whiney these days, aren’t I?
On the plus side:
- dog is all better, not sure what the problem was but I am betting he ate something off.
- I went for a long walk/run yesterday. It was longer than I planned because I got lost on the hiking trail (again!) so what was supposed to be an hour turned into 2 1/2, but I did do some very careful 4 minute jogs and everything seems to be ok. I am starting back at the beginning of the 5k training program though, just to be safe.
- made myself go out out last night - enough of the hermit life! and saw a fantastic band called Heather Blush. Something like a cross between blues,rockabilly, with a dash of folk-inspired…and the singer had a fantastic voice.
- I have made a gigantic pot of vegetarian curry and am about to make a real meal for dinner - lamp chops encrusted with garlic and olive tapenade (experimental) and roasted root vegetables. I think I am crossing cultures there but I have high hopes.
- laundry about 80% done.
Lesson for day: I can only deal with what I can deal with. The rest will just have to wait.
Can I think of any other ways to avoid actually earning my paycheque? I have been surfing the online dating sites, playing scrabble, all the while knowing that from the hallway I look like I am intently working my way through the intimidating pile of overdue projects on my desk. Hah, she says, hah!
I am very tired, and I just want to go to the gym and go home. I just don’t have it today. Not that that is an excuse, but there it is.Maybe I am coming down with something. No, just very lazy today, and not in a good way.
My hip still hurts. My ankle still hurts. So still no running. I am going to use the boring machines at the gym right after work, and then go home for an early evening nap.
PS: Dog seems to have recovered somewhat so I am less worried.
Oh well, this is the way my universe works. I get home from an expensive treat for myself to discover a) tenant’s bathroom has sprung a leak and b) dog might be really sick. And of course now I have no cash available…darn I hate being a grown up sometimes.
I am hoping dog just ate something nasty and will be better in the morning. He has been acting odd for the last couple of days and now is obviously not well. However, he doesn’t seem to have any of the warning symptoms of a life-threatening condition (according to the internet emergency vet sites) so I am going to see how he is over night. With any luck he will just throw up in the kitchen and be fine. In any case there is no emergency overnight vet service that I know of in town so I have no choice but to wait and see what happens. And, this may seem heartless but I decided long ago that I would not spend thousands of dollars on vet bills…I care about my pets but they are animals, not people, and I think I need to keep that perspective. Now I feel so mean.
And Saturday I will pull out the Readers Digest Guide to Home Repair and figure out if I need a plumber or not. I think I just need to replace the toilet and I know how to do that, I just wish it wasn’t me that had to do it.
Yep, there’s no such thing as a free and easy ride.
Now, there is NO WAY I have put on 7 pounds in 5 days. Mathematically impossible. Oh wait, m-a-t-h….that explains it. How the **&^ can it make sense if math is involved?
Back from my tres expensive but very fun Chicago weekend. Shopping as entertainment. Love it. Until the credit card bills arrive, but hey, like any good neighbour I felt I had to help out the US economy. Remember that when the tables are turned, my American friends. You can stay at my house if you’d like…there’s a mall nearby.
Came home with a car load of shoes, clothes and makeup. I drove all the way around Lake Michigan, which is a long trip but I really enjoyed the scenery and the chance to think. Just quietly think, all by myself. I had some great meals, listened to some good music, and walked the Magnificent Mile several times. I am going to start planning my next trip, which will be somewhere with a beach, sometime in the winter…sometime after the credit card bills….
i am feeling really bad and I don’t know why. Yesterday was like a terrible PMS i-hate-the-world-keep the-weapons-locked-up kind of day, and I haven’t had one of those in a long, long time. It was like I was watching these horrible emotions just flow through me and it was all I could do to let it just happen and remind myself it was going to end soon, AND not use my outside voice too much. I tried coffee, I tried shopping, I tried bubble bath, wine….nothing helped so I went to bed early and hid under the pillows. I feel a little better today, mostly annoyed that I was supposed to be off all day but because of my own poor time management have to go into work for a few hours this evening. I am even annoyed at the weather (actually that last one is a normal canadian thing…weak grin)
Alright, I know the high carb last few days probably threw everything out of whack - so I had a fruit & protein smoothie instead of cereal (good). Since I am off this morning I can go for a hike (good). Cleaning lady comes today (good). I have deleted EXLB’s recent and much-too-late ‘goodbye and sorry’ email. (good)Really, girls, he slammed that door in JUNE! and he contacts me NOW??? dagnabit.
Ok, tomorrow I go on my mini-vacation road trip and I am going to have a rockin time. I am not bringing my laptop or my blackberry, this is going to be personal time and I am going to enjoy every moment. I am staying two nights in a luxury hotel and I am going to find very nice restaurants and buy one pair of beautiful shoes. So there.
And if there is a scale in the hotel room I am going to make it disappear!
Blues, got the blues. Got stuff hanging over my head, got promises I haven’t kept, got the lonesome lonesome blues.
Crap.
Oh well. It IS payday.
Home from a quick trip to the homestead for the long weekend. It was a good visit, lots of home-cooked food. I discovered that I seem to have lost my taste for sweet baked things BUT eating a big meal sent me into binge territory. Something about the feeling of being ’stuffed’ made me want even more food! I talked myself out of it after a few extra slices of turkey but it was a frightening and somewhat surprising feeling.
I also went for 2 long hikes - total of more than 22 km over 2 days, which felt good. Hip is still sore so no running yet, and I am forcing myself to be very careful about that. In a perverse way, I am almost happy to have this injury. It proves I am being athletic! I hurt myself running! OK, I know that is very weird but there it is. Any little evidence that I am changing my ways gives me pleasure, even this…not that I would ever admit it.
I am going to have a hot bath, then get through some volunteer work I have let hang over my head for far too long. Dog will get one more brief outing tonight.
Tomorrow I will try both the scale and the tape measure…eewh. That will be fun.
….LATER…
What is going on? In the ‘careful what you wish for’ file: fell and twisted my ankle while out with the dog. Not serious enough to require attention, just enough to need rest and wrapping. This is not good.
I know you will understand this - I am finally down to what was my previous ‘heaviest ever’ and it is kinda sad that I feel so good about it.
