I am at my highest weight ever. Even higher than during my pre-eclampsia pregnancy, when I was elephantine with retained water. I know it is all relative and some people face much greater health challenges than I do, but for me this is not good. Physically, I am having palpitations and stomach troubles and aches and pains; mentally and emotionally I am feeling very vulnerable and my confidence level is rock bottom.
Again, I feel somewhat childish for all this complaining but my life right now seems to have so many elements that are out of my control and I can barely stay on my feet long enough to react to them. I would say 80% of this is allowing myself to be over-reactive to other people’s problems, and the rest is me allowing my problems to overwhelm my happy bits.
Huh, until I wrote that I didn’t realise it. There are 2 people in particular in my family that want me to do nothing but listen to them, make things easier for them, ‘understand’ them - but not expect them to make any positive changes themselves. My role is to listen to all the reasons why improvement is not possible. Meanwhile when I need support or comfort that generates barely a blip in their worlds.
(Oh, a little bitter, am I?)
Ok, well, today I am taking the dog for a long walk on my favourite beach. I am doing ONE thing in my house that will make me feel better…don’t know what yet, but I am not applying the 100 item to-do list pressure today. I am going to do ONE thing. And maybe that will be napping!
I may not be able to move mountains but I can play in the sand.
I am so tired. Work is taking so much out of me I can barely move when I finally do make it home. Forget about walking. Forget about thinking.
I know I have not been eating entirely healthily but the volume is certainly decreased. My survival solution right now is: ok, this is not nutritious but if I only eat a small amount of it, that is better than fainting from hunger. And when I can eat real food I try to eat reasonable amounts. I am not getting on the scale so I don’t know if it is working. To be truthful I am afraid to look at the numbers. I am not getting enough sleep - my face is so puffy from exhaustion I can feel the skin being stretched under my eyes. Tonight I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if I could continue at this pace and my son said, “yeah, yeah, you have been saying that for months.” My response: ‘Well, I guess I have more reserves than I think I do.”
But the stress hormones and the lack of sleep can’t be good. And then I think maybe I could counter it by exercising more and I almost break down because I just can’t fit anything more into my day.
Oh man, I am sorry, I hate sounding like this. Ok, to bed, take my vitamins, life could be worse… I have a good job that allows me to have a good life. Why am I complaining?
Felt like spring today and I did ’spring things.’ I cleaned the car - it is a combo car - people in the front, dog in the back. When he was a puppy he chewed all the rear seatbelts and the window handles off, so I just ceded him the territory. I am not ferrying kids around so it is not a problem. Also cleaned out the bbq and some flowerpots. I feel so productive!
I took the animal out to the beach again and about 30 minutes into our walk I fell quite badly - tripped over something, while going at a top speed and landed hard on my knees and my forehead. Luckily my sport sunglasses helped cushion it, but I have a nice goose egg on my forehead. My poor face, it is never going to end, is it? However, I am happy that I am on track to meet my nike ipod thingy goal of walking 120 km in 8 weeks (from May 1). Also am happy I drank so much milk as a kid - I must have armour-plated bones; I am lucky I didn’t crack a wrist today.
I posted a pix of one of my favourite places. It’s a beach about 45 minutes from my house. I like it because it is beautiful and lonely. It is about 6 km from end-to-end, but that wasn’t possible today because a few creeks are very high with the rain and snowmelt and are cutting through the beach. By summer they will have dried up and the water level will have dropped a bit, so the beach will be much wider. More people find their way there in the summer but even at it’s most crowded it is not, if you know what I mean.
Dog and I did 5.33 km this evening, in the rain. I even ran a bit, although I don’t really like running. I feel very goofy when I run. My fastest walking pace is a little better than 6km/hour. I feel like if I go any faster I will have to break into a jog.
Tomorrow it is supposed to be sunny and warm and if so, I have plans for the yard and I can get the car cleaned. My sons spontaneously tackled some of the outside chores today, but had to cut it short because of the weather. We have started, though, and that’s important cause my neighbours all spend a lot of time on their yards and it is intimidating. I like to garden, but I am away so much that things get out of control.
Yay. It is cleaning lady day. I love Thursdays. I get to come home to a clean house. I never had this service when my kids lived with me - what would have been the point? Even now with Son #1 in house that ‘Thursday aura’ sometimes expires before I even get home in the evening. However, I think it is money well spent and I am supporting a local entrepreneur.
Working working working. I am looking forward to spending a weekend in my own house, even if all I do is walk around in circles.
