It is Sunday evening and I have just spent a bit of time surfing through all your blogs, and I have picked op on a few ideas that have got me thinking….
1) self-image: how hard it is to truly see ourselves, physically and mentally, as others see us. This weekend, Loverboy looked over at me and for no reason said, “You look adorable.” I was feeling wrinkled, lumpy and hairy. Either he didn’t see it or he was really working hard at being romantic….lol. But I can safely say that never, not once in my life, have I looked in the mirror and thought, “adorable.” Most days I have to talk myself out of a “oh my god I am so fat - old - lumpy - wrinkly - saggy and/or hairy” meltdown before I can get dressed.
2) expectations: somehow, even though we are juggling jobs, finances, school problems, children, parents, partners….we still beat ourselves up so often and so hard for not performing up to snuff. Really, if you are going to live to 75, and most days you get 75% of it right, so what if you have an off day, or week? There are some days I know I should get a star for getting 25% of it right, but I don’t know if I could ever allow myself to feel that way.
Here today I am going to say….I have big green eyes, a wonderful smile, and curvy legs that draw attention. I am smart, and funny, and try to be kind. I contribute a lot at work, more than I have to. If anyone in my family needs anything, I am there no questions asked, 100%. I contribute to my community. I am nice to my pets. I wear sexy shoes. I believe good things will happen, whether I see them coming or not. I expect to have to work for what I want and get it for myself. I have faith in people and the future. I have style. I am stronger than anyone might guess, and I am proud of myself.
So there.
Now I have to go change the sheets on my bed because the cat puked there while I was away….lol….reality, what a concept.
(Also - yay me - 45 minutes snowshoeing today - even ran a bit! Another reason I deserve a star!)
I need protein in the morning…eggs, protein drink, something like that - my body doesn’t like cereal to start the day.
Yesterday was such a b**S day at work, that when Loverboy called I blew him away with my rant. Why do men do this?
Me: and then….and then….
Him: Well, then this is what YOU do! And then this!
His advice was totally useless but he couldn’t stop! All I wanted him to do was go hmmm, yes I see, hmmm, you’re so right…lol. All the poor guy did was make me increase the volume. At least he had the guts to listen to me all the way through, and the smarts to not take it personally.
And I did not, as I might have, self-medicate with sugar or wine, which would have cost me at least 500 calories. Plus I walked to and from work. So a very small, very quiet ‘yay me.’
I did enjoy the holiday today. I lazed around all morning, then went for a hike. It was a very bright day, and a lot of snow came down yesterday so everything looked clean and fresh. I have good winter gear now so I can enjoy the outdoors (up to a limit). And man snowshoeing burns the calories, especially in deeper snow.
I also cooked today - made a big pot of curry and some stew. And finished the laundry. I know that last one is only a temporary victory but I am going to savour it anyway.
I did make it out to the bay with my snowshoes and was rewarded with the sight of four big deer racing across the ice. Last week I followed deer tracks through the bush trails but didn’t see anything (me, great white tracker, had no idea how old the tracks were, I was just playing). I wonder if this is a family grouping that is wandering around the area? Do deer keep family groupings? I am embarrassed that I don’t know that.
Anyway, today was fun. It was a little colder than I like it, but not painful. I did have to pee in a snowbank, always tricky in snowshoes, big snowpants and a very complicated ski jacket…lol. Pierre Berton said that a true Canadian can make love in a canoe….I think peeing in a snowbank is a better test!
I bought another nike ipod thingy and yay! this one works. I will return the old one whence it came the next time I am in Toronto. I have already complained mightily to the manager there.
Loverboy is feeling lonesome and so far away. He has the flu and has no one there to listen to his symptoms, so he called me to describe them to make sure I agree with him it is the flu. I am not being unsympathetic, he does sound ill and needs to pull the blankets up over his head and stay there for a while.
I should feel very tired and I am but not in a sleepy kind of way. More in a peaceful, quiet way. Son #1 now has a job at the local doughnut shop so he is already in bed. He is mildly insulted at the level of training he has to undergo but hey, he has decided to not finish his degree (yet) and he has few marketable skills so his chocies are limited.
ANOTHER winter storm warning posted today. If I want to go snowshoeing, I should go soon. I am wandering around the house instead…if my energy level suddenly spikes, I will head out the door.
yay me…I have made a significant efforts to a) increase fruit and veggies intake every day b) cut back on the afternoon cookie (yesterday was not good but that doesn’t cancel out the previous few days), and c) get more sleep. I am feeling a lot better. Still not great, but better.
At least the weight has stopped climbing. Not falling back yet, but I know that for that to happen I need to increase the exercise again. Aren’t we strange animals? KNOWING and DOING can be so far apart.
Next weekend, the plans call for me to drive 300 km north (!) for a weekend at a camp without electricity or water, that can only finally be reached via snowmachine or snowshoe across a frozen lake. Huh.
OK, a plus that it is waterfront property. But if I was designing my life, it would be in the Bahamas. (Also, I would be 6 feet tall and blonde, but that’s another wish list).
Another big storm is blowing through. I drove through some nasty weather this afternoon to get home. Weekend was very nice, and I seem to have broken through my ‘blues’. I think I was just very tired for a long time, and I have been feeling the effects and starting to run out of steam. I have taken tomorrow as a vacation day, and will spend the day doing little things without any clear agenda. If it is not freaking cold, I will take the dog for a hike in the morning. I am just about to head out tonight but it is - 24 with the wind chill so it will be a fast turn around the neighbourhood.
More or at least more regular exercise; veggies & fruit; positive self-talk. Seems like it should be fairly simple to implement. Amazing how complicated we make our lives.
And no more whining about the nose! Really, of all things to get down about. I can’t even see it 99% of the time.
I have a few minutes before my next meeting. My plan is to take off to the gym immediately after, then go home, pack, and take off for the weekend. I have already clocked well over 50 hours this week so I am not going to feel guilty about leaving early at all. Usually I bring work along on these trips, and this weekend I will take some things to read with me. Loverboy has threatened me with dire consequences if I bring my laptop…we’re spending the weekend at a hotel 1/2 way between here and there. But I know I will have a little bit of time to myself and I will make use of it.
I don’t know how this will turn out. My self-image is currently in the toilet, between the nose thing and the the fact that I am now officially at my highest weight ever. This supposed to be a ‘wild’ weekend and I feel anything but sexy. Sloppy, mushy…those are more the words that come to mind. By the time I get there after the 3 hour drive I am likely to have talked myself into a real pit. I will turn the music up very loud but I don’t know if I can distract myself. So what did I just do? Have fish and chips for lunch.
Also, I have really bad hair right now. Ugh.
Had a very busy day today at work, and fell into the ‘habit eating’ treats. I snacked because I wanted to walk around, not because I was hungry. Down to the candy machine, across to the caf…that kind of thing. Not stupefyingly out of control - just mindless. Now I am bloated and ready to go to sleep. Son #2 really wants to walk the dog tonight, for some reason, so I am not even going to get that exercise. Well, I will go to bed then. Sleep, sleep, sleep.
I am alone! I am alone in my house, with MY music playing, no TV, and MY curry stew bubbling on the stove. Having Son #1 here has been a big adjustment and yes, I love him and I am glad he is here for many reasons…but I like being alone! 24/7 sports is hard to take, plus the expected disagreements between a 23-yr-old and a 40-something about things like where dishes belong, what is really food, and whether or not clean-or-even-any-sheets are an important component of a bedroom…(a bedroom with a brand new mattress, I might add, although it doesn’t seem to make any impression when I do.)
This week will be crazy - VIP visit means I have to spend tomorrow pulling all kinds of reports out of the air. The kind of things your boss decides would be good to have even though you have never put the data together in this way before. Or, even looked at this data before. I am nothing if not adaptable! Eager to please! Dependable! Aargh!
I am feeling pleasantly satisfied with myself and I am putting it down to the fresh air and exercise (over an hour of snowshoeing today = 450 cals burned, according to the website); no shopping hence no mall air nor credit card angst; and attention to vitamins and other supplements over the past week. I think the combination is really making a difference. Of course, come 7 am I may feel very different about myself. I will enjoy it while it is there.
Nose is still ugly. As the swelling goes down the scar is collapsing and indenting and the holes where the stitches were are opening up. It is still purple. I feel very shallow when I admit this is terribly bothering me.
Yay me. 60 minutes of snowshoeing - a 33 minute interval training walk/run and then a power walk back to the car. Damn weight ticker BETTER go down after a couple of weeks of this! (Also it is fun.)
I am trying to keep the carbs at 30% of total. A little too much bread today - whole wheat artisan bread, at least - pushed me up to 36%. Son #1 and I have a little bet on about healthy eating - which I am winning by a country mile as he drinks gallons of diet pop (aspartame and other nasty chemicals) and scarfs one big party pack of microwave popcorn each day. I was relying on red wine a little too regularly as a nightly relaxant; eliminating that is my winning strategy. And ditching the cookies.
