TJ North

oh. my.

Life seems to have gotten away from me on all counts. Here’s my confession - I am one of those people who is defined/consumed by their work. Even when my sons were small, work was the first priority. Now, they are grown and except for the dog, there really is no reason to come home at night. I don’t think it is that I am ambitious in the sense that I want the title and the money, cause I am sure in the wrong field for that. It is more that a) when I know people are depending on me I want to deliver and b) it is an Aquarian trait to see the big picture and “the fundamental interconnectedness of all things” which means that I am always throwing myself into big projects. Result? I have been working 10-12 hours a day, plus weekend shifts, since August. My secret is that I love it, 87.5% of the time. But right now I am very tired. I am running a conference next week in another city and I have just reached the point, common to all events, where I have done everything possible to make it a success and now it is all details. (But very many details.) Then the next big project, the biggest ever for me (so far) starts. A 3 year project with millions of dollars at stake. For a non-profit, this is a make-or-break project. Literally, no room for failure. I am scared…like I am at the top of a rollercoaster but the difference is that it is up to me to keep it all on the track.

Loverboy is not so happy about all this but he is trying to make all the right noises. We only see each other on the weekends and although I miss him sometimes this arrangement suits me. I can not see how I could deal with trying to be a partner during the week. Also, I have been a single person for so many years (16) that the past 18 months have been an adjustment for me. Not that I didn’t ‘date’ but I always kept it loose and social. He’s somewhere beyond regular weekend date but not quite at life partner. Sigh. Damn that one is complicated. And intense.

I am eating downright nasty food in the cafeteria every day ( not only nasty but expensive too); I have downgraded the nightly walks to 40 minutes. I am taking every vitamin, the whole alphabet…but drinking too much wine, I know. By that I mean one or two glasses every night. Tonight I am planning to finish off the bottle - it is Fri and I am sleeping in tomorrow, even if after that I have to go into the office for at least a few hours.

Even in all this I want to start my MBA online; I have started the process. I think work will pay for it, or at least a portion of it. if I can convince my boss it will be a positive thing for my projects.

And tonight son #1 told me he has quit his job and wants to come for a visit. This is actually positive. 6 months ago I found out he was doing coke, and made it clear to him that one of the things that was costing him was any welcome in the family. If he chose to do that, he was not welcome in my home, and everyone on my side of the family said the same thing. (forget about his father, inept, useless…so sad that I think that about someone I once loved but there is a long story there) Now he tells me he wants a different kind of life. I have some experience with addicts so I know the chances that he is playing me, but I don’t get that feeling. He is coming to visit for 2 weeks and we’ll see. He knows that if I think he is doing hard drugs I will kick him out and it is a long walk back to his father.

It is very cold out tonight. Snow yesterday…I have tulip bulbs to plant this weekend and maybe I will be chipping into the ground with a screwdriver to get them in….lol.

Alright, aren’t I mess? (Don’t answer that!) I really want to make myself a healthy person, cause I know that with that comes lots of energy, I am just struggling with all the competing forces. I will figure it out.