Aargh! The scale is going up and up and up! Bad habits have been creeping in and are starting to show. A chocolate bar here, vodka martini there, cheating on the walk…this is not good. Am I self-sabotaging again or just getting lazy? This weekend is going to be a blowout too - lots of driving, lots of visiting, probably lots of martinis (after the driving)…
It’s all about choices, and consequences. So, if I choose to eat and drink too much this weekend, then I will have to make sure that I get back on track and exercise the day I return. If I give up now I will have wasted all that time and effort over the last few months. I like the changes I have made, I don’t want to give them up.
Also, my ever-loving son has fixed my car AND knowing I was working late last night he took the dog for a walk before I got home. What a guy!
If time is a relative concept, then I somehow hit the fast forward button. The days are very busy, very full, and whizzing by. Of course, this is when I reach for the sweet stuff. Have to pull my hand out of the candy machine.
This weekend I am going to visit my middle sister and it will either motivate me or drive me underground. She has lost probably 150 pounds in the last two years. She looks fantastic, she is active, and healthy and happy and I am envious happy for her, I was getting worried and when she was heavy every attempt to bring up the health consequences were met with hostility. Now she is breezy and confident…I know she still has some body issues, but overall I know her life is 100% happier simply because she feels so much better.
Alright, also a bit jealous of her success. Right now, I feel like a total washout when I am next to her. And I can tell you I am not proud of that feeling, but there you go.
Now that I am back from vacation I have started with the long nightly walks. I have to set up the tickers properly and start tracking things again. My weight is hovering around 170 - up a bit, down a bit. Sigh. Oh well, better than 180.
My son gets back tonight and I am excited. He lives in one of my apts and goes to school here. It’s an arrangement that works out really well for both of us. I like having him close, and he likes not having to pay rent.
He ’s been away since May and it will be nice to have a chance to chat. Now that he is grown he has developed language skills…for years all I got out of him were grunts. Nowadays we have actual conversations!
I was so tired last night I took the dog for a long, slow walk. No power-walking at all…I think he sniffed each and every telephone pole, tree and fencepost along the way. Tomorrow I head back to the camp and will make sure to get at least one hour of hiking in each day. The trail goes over some pretty big ridges and I keep a good pace so there is some definite benefit.
I have given up tracking food until vacation is over. I am just trying to pay attention, not get out of control, stay away from sugar and only say positive things to myself. Oh, that all sounds so simple…why is it so difficult to do?
Have to interrupt my vacation with two days of work, then I can head back to the cabin. Unfortunately I have discovered that it now has cell phone service, but I am not going to tell anyone. Well, maybe my mother as she gets antsy if she thinks I can’t call for help. (That’s where I get my neurotic imaginary worry ticks from.)
The few days there were great. Loverboy left Monday night, so I had 2 nights alone and two days of absolute quiet. Ok, except for the three of four minutes of LOUD YELLING when the bear came out of the bush onto my hiking trail. (”My” trail - it was probably thinking the same thing). Everything worked out beautifully though - bear decided to leave, dog decided to stay, I stopped yelling and walked the rest of the way at top calorie burning speed, with a rock in each hand. (Total fantasy that my ‘throw like a girl’ skills would be any help in any situation.)
The hiking trail is really a recently abandoned logging road, with lots of bush piles and logs all around. There was no reason that bear should have surprised me - I wasn’t looking around. (Probably I was scanning the road for snakes as I had just missed stepping on one.) Not that I am some sort of ranger bush girl, but after all I was in the bush, and the animals have first claim, so it was up to me to stay out of their way, not the other way round.
Anyway, I think I ate rather well and healthy, and I got over three hours of hard hiking in two days. I managed to get the boat started and got home by myself, all in one piece. Tomorrow I get on the early plane for a day of business meetings in the big city. That should be a bracing bit of culture shock.
When I get back from vacation next week I will update and replace all tickers and pix so I can get a handle on what I am doing. I am feeling pretty positive though.
Confession time - I have spun so far off the low-carb thing I am disgusted with myself. It started about a week ago…a slice of bread here, a muffin there, and before I knew it I was having fries and bagels and pizza and a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies in one day. (Cause if you only eat three at a time, it’s not really a binge, even if it’s three cookies every time you walk by the open bag…cringe.)
I feel sick about it. I am trying to get back in control today but of course I am having a huge craving for bread, pasta, stuff like that. Not so much the sweet stuff, although there is a candy machine down the hall…aargh! It is all bad!!
Now I feel bloated and puffy and ill. I can’t understand why my weight has gone down at all. Probably if I get back on the scale today it will be up 8 pounds. Just to freak me out.
I seem to be unable to stop the self-sabotage. Is it superstition? Was I feeling TOO good about myself, and to be safe needed to take myself down a notch before the universe did? How sick is that? Or am I afraid to see myself change? Or just lazy and lacking in discipline? I know I should go to the gym. I know I should get more sleep.
Ok, I am going to whine just a bit more, beat myself up for a few more hours, then hopefully pull my head out of my butt and get back in control of what goes in my mouth.
Wasting time at work when I have so much to do! Talk about avoidance and denial.
Hey I am FINALLY down below 170. Whew. I knew I was shrinking even though the scale was not budging and then suddenly overnight a 3 lb drop. Makes no sense to me but I am not arguing with the almighty scale. I am enjoying the moment.
And just to make this a perfect day, at this very moment my housecleaner is shampooing the carpet so when I get home the place will be tidy, clean, and oh-so-fresh smelling. I like Thursdays a lot!
