TJ North

Have been looking at old photos and what a horrible percentage of my life has been spent thinking I am fat. I was looking at photos from years ago, and for each one I remember at the time feeling fat and funny looking. Each one! No matter what I happened to weigh back then. Even my high school yearbook photos!  And for many of them, I look at them now and think - wow, I looked good. Which only makes me feel worse about myself now. How sick is this?

Another weekend slipped by. Loverboy is on his way home. I finally told him how I have been feeling about this living arrangement. This is why I am happy to be dating a mature, emotionally stable person: this is what happened…acknowledge-ment of my feelings, statement of his feelings, discussion of what could change and how, what might not change, how I felt about that, how he felt about that, reassurance of loving feelings…what did NOT happen: rant, pouting, sarcasm, attempt to argue me out of my feelings, explanation of why I was wrong, scene of packing up all possessions in a huff and leaving early.

Also, after several weekends of excess, both of us are paying attention to lifestyle. Although I have to be careful not to nag him about smoking. He is an adult, I have made my feelings known, he will make his own choices. It is not my job to be in charge of his health. But we are eating more balanced meals and holding back on the wine consumption. All good.

I have been sneaking onto the scale but will not officially check scale and measurements until Tuesday. Trying really hard not to get freaked out about either.

Finished my nightly walk with the dog. We must be moving faster because I am covering the same routes, a bit longer even, in less time. What was taking me 100 minutes I am doing in 80-90 minutes. That’s good, but is going to make hitting my goal of 2400 minutes a month harder. I am already behind…I will have to make sure I do this long walk every night and also work in some extra time doing something else during the week or the math will catch up with me again.

I do feel like I am filling up less space. I don’t know how else to explain it.

Time to sleep and get ready for another long week.

Another 100 minutes of walking added to the exercise ticker over the last 2 days. Yay me. Sooner or later it has to make a difference on the scale! 

One side effect of all this walking is that it is hard to eat a doughnut or a cookie, or drink too much wine because it makes me feel like I am wasting all that effort. Not effective use of my time to exercise for 60 minutes and then nullify the effects with sugar or alcohol.  I am big on using my time effectively….lol…in theory, anyway.

Beautiful day today, out to buy lumber and then get my bicycle ready for the road.

What a day! It was supposed to be a ‘get things done’ day and ended up with me running all over the place from one newly thought-up deadline to another. AAAH.

Good news - someone found my cell phone. It had fallen out of my car in a parking lot last night. One of my colleagues called me on it and instead talked to a very nice man who told her, “I’ve been waiting for someone to call this number…” lol.  I’ll pick it up in the a.m., on my way to the meeting I was told about at 4pm.   What else? well, it was a good hair day….:)

Dog is laying at my feet watching me intently. Don’t dogs blink? This is very disconcerting…he wants to go for his walk and is ready the first shift he senses towards the door. It’s raining and I don’t really want to go right now…but I am due for the 100 minute - two-hill route. Sigh. Ok, out the door we go.

I am stealing a few moments before I head off to my evening meeting. Loverboy is coming down tonight as he has meetings in town tomorrow and then he will be ‘working from home’ Friday. My home. I have to find a way to bring up my discomfort with his my-home-is-his-home assumptions. It is not that I don’t like having him around, but I am feeling invaded. We have never discussed this, he just ummm, decided to use my home as his base. This means he can get away with not having to maintain a household, not have to pay rent or bills, not have that level of responsibility. At the same time, he has taken over my shoe closet for the clothes he doesn’t want to pack up every Sunday, his toiletries are stored in my bathroom, he does all his laundry at my home, and he has big rubber boxes of stuff in my spare room! He has even given my address as his home to his employer.

 My boundaries are being crossed all around me and it is making me so uncomfortable. I told him that I would only live with a man if I was married to him, that I like my single person life. So since he says he doesn’t want to get married again, this seems to be his solution…he’s not really living here, just using it as his base. See, now I am getting all tense about it again.  Clearly I have to find a way to address this that doesn’t blow it all out of proportion.  It just feels unbalanced because if he doesn’t have a home, I can’t go spend time in his space, can I? He does have the cabin, but it’s not the same thing. And even so, I don’t even leave a toothbrush there. Damn. Well, the main thing is I don’t want to save this for a big blowout, and sideswipe him. I am just going to have to put it out on the table and set a deadline for it to change.

Sometimes I hate being a grown up about things.

I think I will remount that as a personal challenge - 2400 minutes, starting today, ending May 24th. Daily activity doesn’t count; to make it on the ticker it has to be sustained activity done for fun and movement.

I also still have the under 1700 calories a day thing going - not very succesfully. So far I have only done it for 2 days out of 7…that’s not a very good record! Time to crank that up too. To meet that one I have to replace breads and cereals with veggies and fruits. That’s a bit harder because I don’t like the veggie prep, so I end up eating a lot of carrots.

Calorie count today is way low and I have already had my supper AND veggie snack. Had a 60 minute hike on a nature trail. I did it at a pretty fast pace as the big red sign “Beware of Bears’ is up and I wanted to get back to the car while there was still plenty of light. Dog is of little help - he looks startled every time anything moves in the bush and each time he freezes it takes a second or two for my heart to start up again. Do you think nervous palpitations add to the cardio value?

Wildlife is a regular feature of walks…I saw a big, beautiful fox on the street last week, and last spring on the same hiking trail I was on today dog and I came face to face with a bull moose. That was a definite heart moment…for both of us. Dog ran away so fast his hind legs were ahead of his front legs!

Have had a great time visiting with my sisters and old friends. Saturday night we had a pot luck party and there was a very large amount of food and drink involved. Someone brought a chocolate fountain and my favourite was shortbread cookies drizzled with milk chocolate…I enjoyed every moment of it and I am not feeling guilty at all. Today I ate mostly veggies and walked for an hour, and drank lots and lots of water to flush out my system. I do think I will stay off the scale for a while though…lol. The weather was beautiful and we were able to sit outside all afternoon today. My shoulders are a bit pink, I have to be more careful as the sun damage from all those careless years of burning and tanning is more and more obvious.

I am in a hotel room in downtown Toronto and I am all alone. Wonderfully alone. I have had a long bath, I am reading a very trashy novel and playing a new eric clapton album on the laptop as background music. It is very good, bluesy upbeat stuff, by the way. Tomorrow I have meetings down the street until about 2pm, then I will zip over to have an early supper with eldest son, and head home. Should be back in my own bed by 10 or 11pm.

Loverboy spent the weeked at his cottage, he says there’s still a lot of ice on the lake, but of course it’s not safe. Very little snow anywhere else.

Overall, a very good weekend. I am happy.

Great. Now I am projecting my issues on the dog. Sigh.

Went to a very friendly volunteer appreciation lunch today, ok, why has no one ever TOLD me how many calories in potato salad? I almost choked when I logged it in a few moments ago. Not that there were any lo-cal choices but I might not have had that big scoop. Oh well, it was a very nice event and I enjoyed it immensely.

I am so tired. Combo of flu/cold crap and work stress. Tomorrow aft I am heading out of town, staying til Tuesday. I might get to take my eldest to dinner; depends on his exam and work schedule. Complex logistics involved.

Friday and Saturday are going to be big, bad, party nights. Fri I will be at my bestest friends house…wine, pizza, fried stuff and probably chocolate something or other will be on the menu; Sat is my sister’s 40th and more of the above are in store. And you know what? I am not going to stress out about any of it. I am going to kick back, enjoy the weekend and the company and if I feel like indulging I will. One weekend does not a lifetime make. So there!

I know I will walk a LOT Friday and Monday, all over the downtown core, weather permitting. I love walking the streets of big cities.

For tonight, exercise ticker is up another 85 minutes - new route. Yay me. And calories - well, over 1,700 (thanks to potato salad, and, ok, cake) but still in the range. Can’t move the ticker though - have to stay honest.

Just about to head home as I have another meeting at 7pm and want to grab something to eat beforehand.  I have booked the hotel for my quick trip to Toronto, have lots to do to get ready, including an unbelievable mound of laundry. How did that happen? 

Not very hungry today no doubt due to the cold medicine. I seem to be very sensitive to it and the no-doz stuff makes me very perky. Still sick, but very a-w-a-k-e.  Hope this meeting ends at a reasonable time so I can get my walk in before I collapse.

Also, survived another day at 1,500 calories…yay me.  

{later} Walked for 85 minutes. I have been really clocking some good distances. Tonight, even though I am really not feeling well, I did the two hill route. Once I get outside and get moving I don’t want to stop. But now I am going to have a hot bath and go to bed. And maybe some extra vitamins.

Hmmm, the dog seems to be getting a bit pudgy - I think I am being overly generous with the treats. Have to switch back to the tiny biscuits.

I’m sick. ugh. And not happy about it. I already had my annual flu session, I don’t need another one. And this is a very bad week to be sick.

Vet says cat did not get hit by a car, more likely fell out of a tree. He’s fine except he bit his tongue very badly; probably banged his chin HARD against the ground. That’s why he is complaining so loudly when I feed him. Treatment is: continue to hand feed (and if you think that is fun stop by anytime to help); antibiotics and quiet time.  I was sure he had broken his jaw, the way he was acting. I had even arranged a loan from my son in case the bill was too big, so this is good news.

Work was a blur today. Mondays are always full but this was a long one. And tomorrow I will be in an all morning on-line seminar on queries and reports in our database. I can hardly wait. No, need to generate more positive energy than that…I will learn, I will like it…I will query with joy!

Heading out for the nightly walk. It is a beautiful spring evening, and I will go until I am definitely ready to sleep, then come home and hit the sack. Laundry can wait.

 *** Please note that I have made it through one day on less than 1,700 calories - 1,560 as a matter of fact! yay me! I do like changing those tickers!