The journey from fat to fit. Road trip, woo hoo!

I ate almost a whole bag of Doritos last night, for no reason other than they taste good (and I am stupid).  Woke up this morning with a bellyache and have to go to work.

Someday I will put two and two together and not do this to myself anymore, right?

This day is not getting off to a great start.  I just got back from a somewhat puny run.  My goal of 5 miles is feeling very distant to me right now, unachievable.  My mini-goal for tomorrow is just to get back to 3.1 miles of all run, no walk.

DH and DD9 are off camping this weekend.  I couldn’t go because I have too much work to do.  I had a restless night.  Can’t blame that on DH being gone, though, because I haven’t been sleeping very well with him here either.

Woke up to a crying cat.  Got up and made sure she was not locked in the bedroom with me, but no, the door was open, so she was free to go to her food and her box.  Got up and got ready for my run, headed downstairs to be greeted with a giant mound of cat poop on my new shag rug from Ikea.  $&*^%! Cat!!  Went into the bathroom to get cleaning supplies and found a big puddle of cat pee on the brick floor.  Ugh!  Threw the cat outside, but she ran back in when I finally left for my run after cleaning up her messes.  We had this problem a while back, and then it went away, and if it is back now I don’t know what I am going to do because I really cannot deal with an incontinent cat in my life right now.  Not to sound harsh, but I just can’t.  I guess my attachment to the cat isn’t all that strong, because if she’s going to be pooping on rugs and peeing on floors she has got to go.

Went into the kitchen to get a yogurt before I left and the garbage is literally overflowing.  My last words to DS19 before I went to bed were don’t forget to take out the trash.  Don’t worry, mom, I’m on it.  Thank God DH is not home or WWIII would have errupted over this.  DS19 has been extremely lazy lately (lazier than normal, which is saying something) and DH is ready to kill him.

Added to the garbage situation, the kitchen was a complete disaster from DD21 and DS’s girlfriend making smoothies last night.  Yes, they made them with low fat yogurt and they were really good but, hello, clean up your eff-ing mess when you’re done.  Jeez.

Final straw is that I am having huge allergy issues, eyes are just watering like crazy to the point I am having trouble focusing to read.  And I need to be able to read, because I still have work to do.  Not much, thankfully, I am almost done, but it’s still hard to focus and concentrate when you’ve got tears flowing down your face and your eyes itch.

I guess that wasn’t the final straw.  Sorry!  Actually, the big underlying issue to all my bad karma I think has to do with DD21 and her upcoming move.  I am having a really hard time dealing with her.  She lives here in my house for another couple of weeks, and I can’t be nice to her.  I am trying, but I can’t.  I am angry.  I am angry at her choices and her lifestyle choices and it makes me snarky and mean, and snarky and mean is not how I want to spend my last few weeks with her before she is 2,000+ miles away.  But I am being snarky and I am being mean and I don’t know how to stop.

Time to hit the shower and then go to church, then back home again to finish up the last of the hearing that I am transcribing.  Then a late lunch/early supper @ 3 pm with two girlfriends, halleluiah!

I am really angry with myself.  I screwed around this week here and there when I should have been working, and as a result I have deadlines to meet by Monday morning which means working over the weekend.  DD9 has a track meet Saturday 9 am to 4 pm.  I have a church volunteer commitment Saturday 5-7 pm and Sunday 9-noon.  Then I am sure there’s going to be some kind of lunch for Mother’s Day (of course, shame on me for assuming, knowing my kids, haha).  And through all of this, I have several hours of work to do, I mean, seriously, like 10 hours at my computer.  Why do I do this to myself!  ARGH!  And what am I doing right now?  Watching this week’s episodes of General Hospital on Tivo and reading blogs and posting.  I SHOULD BE WORKING RIGHT NOW but I’m all sweaty from the gym and need a shower and need dinner and am “on break.”  Problem is, I took way too many breaks this week and now I’m screwed for the weekend.

 I keep thinking that some day I’ll learn my lesson, but at age 42 and many years of this bad pattern under my belt, I don’t know if this old dog has any new tricks up her sleeve.  My destiny is going to be to be continuously behind schedule.  ARRRGGHHH!

Every week, without fail, I have major munchies the night before a weigh-in.  It’s like I am sabotaging myself but I don’t want to.  Why do I do this?  This week I had to push my weigh-in to Thursday instead of Wednesday, so it’s not even my “usual” night.  I have been ravenous all evening, nothing sounds great yet everything is good enough to eat.  Thank God we have very little crap in the houes right now, though I did choose the crappiest stuff we do have: 100-cal pack cheetos and fat free chocolate pudding when I could have had apple, banana or yogurt instead.  I’m just in a funky mood tonight and I want eating to make me feel better.  Every time this happens, it is the night before a weigh-in.  I am broken.  I want to get fixed and be normal and not be a freak about food and eating and exercising.

Super duper loaded baked potato for dinner … the night before a weigh in.  Why do I do this to myself?

On a brighter note, I had an acquaintance at my daughter’s school comment to me on ”how much weight” I’ve lost.  I don’t feel like I look any different today than I did a month ago, and no one seemed to notice my loss then.  I feel very stuck… I guess this is a plateau?  I’m either holding or losing very slowly the last few weeks.  I definitely feel like I’m in a rut, loss of motivation to track what I eat, more bad habit munching on shit just because it’s there etc.  I need to find some new catalyst to get myself back on track, but I’m not sure what. 

Why am I so mad?  I am so short-tempered lately and can go from 0 to 60, i.e. “normal” to “kill you where you stand rage”, in a matter of 3 seconds. 

Case in point: I jumped down DD9’s throat because she forgot to do some of her homework.  This is a recurring theme.  She announces that she is finished with her homework, then gets on the computer, watches TV, reads books, creates art, etc.  Then after dinner and shower, when it’s time to bed, the waterworks start because she “forgot” to do some of her homework.  Granted, she is nine years old, BUT I don’t feel like I need to micromanage on things like this.  She knows what she needs to get done and I think that the “forgetting” is not legitimate, is more of a “I don’t want to do anymore homework right now” kind of thing.  But, regardless, my reaction was a bit extreme.  I did a lot of complaining which was uncalled for, but I think the punishment is legitimate.  No more TV for the rest of this week in the hopes that that will help her remember better.

Second case in point: DD20 comes home from her night classes last night and starts to tell me what her loser ex-BF / baby daddy said to her… and before she can get it out of her mouth I am enraged by the fact that she even had a conversation with him.  I shut her down, never did find out what she was upset about, and she basically stormed off in the middle of me berating her for continuing to make poor choices about her contact with him.  Again, I think my anger is justified, but my immediate rage reaction was extreme.  But this one has been brewing for a long time.  She is 20, has a baby, they both live with us, DH and I provide for all of her needs while she is in school AND I do 35+ hours of childcare for the baby while she is in school from 2 - 9:30 pm five nights a week.  All of this because (1) she is my daughter (2) I love her and (3) we want to help her get to a place where she can live as an independent adult raising her child.  But when she continues to engage with the biggest loser in the world, I feel like she (1) does not appreciate the sacrifices we’ve made for her (2) is an idiot who will never be able to live independently because of her stupid choices and (3) it’s basically a slap in the face to go against the one thing we are adamant about (which is if she gets back together with him, she’s on her own, zero support from us.)

Finally, DH and I had the mother of all blowouts this morning about, of all things, recycling.  Come on.  I won’t even go into detail because it was SUCH A STUPID THING TO FIGHT ABOUT, but again, my fury was immediate and intense.  He was being a jerk about taking out the recycling, and instead of saying “Hey, stop being a jerk,” I went into full-on verbal attack mode with a vengeance.

 I had a completely hysterectomy years ago, so it’s not hormonal or TOTM related.  My weight loss has been slow and steady with no big hiccups, nothing unusual going on there with regard to food or exercise.  I am a little overwhelmed work-wise, but not anything too intense and certainly not worse than I’ve managed to handle with sanity intact before.

I have no idea why I am so angry, but I am ready to attack.  And to top it all off, I had a last minute work schedule change, had to cancel my JC appt. for tomorrow and am going today, mid-day, which SUCKS THE BIG ONE.  I usually go first thing in the morning with an empty stomach, and since I am going at noon today, I won’t be surprised to see either a gain or a “hold”, which might just put me over the edge.

 I’m going to go scream into my pillow now before I get behind the wheel!

So I managed to avoid binging last night, but the pity party did continue on.  For some reason when I get like that it makes me feel better to be mean to my DH for no good reason.  I don’t even want to begin to explore the psychology behind that, I know it is f*ed up, but after 10 years he’s somewhat used to it and just looks at me with that “are you done yet” look and doesn’t really give a shit.  I don’t want to explore the psychology behind that either.

Anyway, no binge last night, just a lot of pouting, but then today I did definitely go “off program” with a trip to Chevy’s Mexican Restaurant.  I definitely could have done worse food wise, but I could have done better, too.  I can live with what I ate without any bad feelings, so that’s saying something.  I’d probably feel differently if I owned a scale and could actually see the immediate results of the meal, so one more reason to not buy a scale.

The big school/church auction/dinner/dance is Saturday and I guess I am wearing the new red dress that I bought, but I’m not really happy with it.  I’m going to try it again tomorrow with Spanx on and see if that helps.  I’ll post a picture, for better or worse.  On the bright side, everyone I know is wearing black, so at least I’ll be the “fat lady in the red dress” as opposed to “just another fat lady in a black dress.”

Thanks for the supportive comments re: my pity party.  There is comfort in knowing I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way.

I’ve lost 16 lb and I feel like shit.  I am still fat, as glaringly highlighted by yet another disasterous dress shopping trip.  Nothing looked good on me.  Nothing.  I bought another horrible dress, this time red.

This sucks.  I am sad.  I want to eat fried chicken and m&m’s and drink milkshakes because, what the hell, I am already fat so what difference does it make.  I haven’t felt this way in the whole 10 weeks I’ve been “on program” and I don’t know where it came from but I’m in “a mood.”  DH is trying to ply me out of my mood with healthy food offers and I’m about to put a fork through his GD eye.  LEAVE ME ALONE…

IT’S MY PITY PARTY AND I’LL BINGE IF I WANT TO, BINGE IF I WANT TO, BINGE IF I WANT TO….