Time 2 Blossom

Today was the first official weigh-in.

Here are the stats:  current weight: 211.8 lbs.   Total Body Fat 44.1%

I have not done measurements as of yet, and may not do it to another time when my husband is around to help me. I was not too surprised with the weight, but I was slightly freaked out by the percentage of body fat!  That is crazy… almost 1/2 of my body is considered fat.!!!! I am using a scale that bases it on weight, age, and sex… I do not no how accurate it is, but it will give me a baseline and if I at least  watch the number go down, that is good enough for me.

It is my TOM time… so what a yucky time to get started, but hey, you got to start somewhere. I spent ALL day cleaning and organzing all 3 bedrooms… it was way too big of a task and I am completely exhausted now.  My parents are coming over for dinner, before they fly home to Florida tomorrow, and I go back to work tomorrow after a glorious 2 weeks off.  It is all a little much right now.  I feel very  anxious and am having a very difficult time with ringing in my ears.  The more tired I am, and the more anxious I feel, the louder the ringing is.  It is a very difficult condition to deal with. I am hoping that soon I can find out more answers about it.

So.. today was the official weigh in and tomorrow starts all the logging in.  Food, exercise, etc.

Gonna be an early bedtime tonight…. morning is going to come REALLY fast!

I can not get out of my own way.

Here are all my excuses why I am not committed:

~Vacation is not a good time to start.

~I have too many other things to get in place before I can do this.

~I am too tired.

~It is the holidays.

~We are getting together with so many friends/ family, how can I say no to their meal/ food?

~I am not on a schedule.

So very many excuses… I could probably go on and on, but I am not going to.  I wanted to write them down and get them off my chest… and now I can move on.

I exercised this morning with my daughters.  It was cute, and really not that bad of a little workout.  At least I moved for 25 minutes.  I know, sounds so sad, but it is a start.  I am home with them and can not leave them alone as I go in the basement to walk on the treamill.  We are going out tonight with my sister and her children.  We are getting a quick bite to eat and then to the movies…. I am excited to enjoy the evening, but terrified of the situation.  If she is running late, it will be McDonalds… if she is not, it will be Friendly’s.  Either way… it is difficult.  I vow to myself that if it is a McDonalds I will have a side salad and a small burger.  If we go to Friendlys I will have a salad… and nothing at the theater! Promise!

Interested or Committed? December 29, 2009

I am planning on using the book, 100 Days of Weight Loss, by Linda Spangle to help guide me on this journey.  I have had this book for a while and read it on a daily basis one time before, but I only read it… I never really “did” it.  There are exercises that you have to complete each day to guide your path to a healthy life.  I am beginning today.

I have to admit that I woke up this morning planning to start today… ya know, like REALLY START TODAY.  But, I am in a place that makes me feel so lonely and so defeated.  I have to find a way out of it.  I am on vacation for the week, but vacation is just another word for getting caught up on everything that I can not do while I am teaching, mothering, wife-ing, and home-making. LOL!!!  Plus… the 2 girls are home all day, so that means mess and more mess.  I just wish I could enjoy, but I feel like there is so much to do… so, what do I do?… I do nothing!  Makes no sense… I know.  I eat miserably, hang out with the girls {which is nice}, and make no effort to exercise. :(  Ughhhh… how do I get out of this funk????

Plan:

Eating~  Follow the Weight Watchers Point system.  I have the books from a while ago.  I am not a member, but am thinking about joining if I can not make some progress on my own.

Exercise~   AM: Will start by walking on treadmill 25 minutes. Then do an ab, arm, or legs workout.

PM: Use Pilates Reformer:  This helps me relax and unwind from the day and it really helps with muscle strength.

Stats~  I will weigh in every Sunday morning.  A weekly weigh in will be good for me.  The daily weigh in stresses me out… weekly is good.  Sunday is a day in which I try to take some time for myself, get organized for the week ahead, and ask for guidance through prayer.

I will record weight, BMI, and body measurements at the end of each month.

DAY ONE:

A list of fears or negative feelings that have contributed to weight issues.

~ not wanted to be “seen”

~ not feeling worthy of ‘that look’, ‘those clothes’, ‘that hairstyle”~ afraid to put myself out there for comments about appearance, whether compliments or criticism… scared to receive either!

~ I have always been heavy… this must just be me.

~ afraid to fail

~ not wanting to work hard… feel the pain… feel uncomfortable… work hard.

~ loneliness~ the most ironic feeling of all.  I am surrounded with a great husband, 2 wonderful daughters, a best friend and other great friends… but, I still always feel so lonely. :(  This is the hardest part for me.  I eat when I am lonely… and I am ALWAYS lonely.

I use to think I was not worthy of a healthy, stylish, fit lifestyle… but, now I know that I am just as worthy as anyone.  I DESERVE THIS!!!!

OMG! The holidays are so hard when it comes to being healthy.  I am at the very beginning of my journey and I know that this time next year I will be in a whole different place and although the holidays will be challenging, I will not feel like I do right now.  I am so tired and sick feeling.  I seriously feel like I am in a food coma from all of the things I decided to comsume over the holidays.  It is not like I ate a lot… in comparison to all the people I was with… I enjoyed an average amount of food.  But, the choices were miserable and my body is screaming at me to stop.

So… tomorrow is a new day and the end of the self-destructing holiday season.  I am home from work for the next week and have many goals to conquer.

1. Empty the house of all the ‘holiday food’.  Even if I have to throw it away… it is gone!

2. Clean the house and regain a sense of control and organization in my life.

3. Begin exercising… I have been on a wonderful ‘Exercise Free Vacation’ for quite some time… well, that is over!

4.  Create and document my plan: Food, excercise, and emotional strength {what I am going to call anything I do, other than exercise or food choices, that make me feel healthy}

RIght now, I am at my Highest Weight ever… in my whole entire life.  I am not proud of this, but I am also not really scared of it.  It just IS…. and I am going to change it.  I am at my Lowest Low of my emotional health as well.  I am sooooo tired, it scares me.  I have so little energy there are evenings when I feel like I can not even keep my head up straight.  With two beautiful daughters at home, an amazing husband, and full time teaching job, and a home to care for… exhaustion is not an option.

I am at my highest high, and lowest low… all at the same time!!

I can not wait until the day that I write “I am at my lowest low {weight}, and my highest high {emotional}.  I know that day will come!

I just know it!

It’s About Time…

Isn’t it always about time?

First of all, it is about time that I make this change.  It is about time that I am honest with myself and admit that I am living an unhealthy lifestyle, making poor health decisions, and not not making myself a priority.

It is about time I don’t dread getting dressed every day because nothing fits right or looks good.

It is about time that I do not feel tired and lethargic.

It is about time that I can be athletic.

It is about time that I can be proud of myself!

It is about time to not be afraid of trying new things.

It is about time I learn to deal with my stress in ways other than eating.

It is about time my husband has a wife that is glowing with self love.

It is about time my little daughters see a healthy mom and want to be like her.

It is about time I start loving myself and putting myself first!

It is about time…..

My favorite quote is by Anais Nin:

” And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to  blossom.”

From the first time I ever read this quote I have felt moved by it.  One day my husband gave me a card with this quote on it.  At the time he had no idea how these words effect me when I hear them.  I feel like  I have been tight in a bud for so long and I so want to blossom.

But… it is always about time…. for years I have said…

I have no time to exercise

I will wait until next month to start exercising.

I don’t have time to cook healthy meals.

I want to spend all my time with my family… I have no time for me.

I need more time.

Well…. it is about time!!!!  I have no time for excuses any more.  I have no time to feel tired.  I have no more time to wait to make this change.

It is time to blossom!