Tiaras and Tenacity

Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 16th, 2009 | Filed under metaphor

The most difficult part of losing weight, for me, is feeling my emotions.  When there is no limit on food, emotions are so easy.  You enjoy the good ones and you suffocate the uncomfortable ones with mashed potatos.  When you cannot eat because you just ate not even an hour ago, you start to realize that you’re not hungry, you’re empty.  Once you realize you’re empty, you start to notice how ineffective all things not-food-related are at filling you up.  You realize that “listening to a cd” or “going for a walk” don’t take you away from what you’re feeling and there’s a little voice inside that says, “JUST FUCKING EAT THE CAKE WOMAN, NOTHING ELSE WILL WORK!” and it’s right.  Nothing else will smother my emotions entirely.  Not sex, not exercise, not gambling, not drinking, not porn, not books, not rest, not a pedicure, not even a nice drive with my favorite music blaring in the car.  Nothing else quiets that aching emptiness.  Nothing else stops the need to cry myself into oblivion.  The voice insists on this and pleads with me to just give in before it gets any more uncomfortable for her.

Victory, for me, will not come in the form of a new dress size or a number on a scale.  Success, sure.  But never victory.  The only way to win here is to find some new way to experience my life.  To cry when I need to cry and scream when I need to scream.  Victory will mean telling people who are very dear to me that I deserve more than the bullshit they often heap on me because I’ve always been a willing recipient. 

Victory will mean rocking the boat, even when it’s a giant cruise ship and I feel too weak to move.

I cannot be sure, but I would bet that drug addicts and alcoholics go through this same feeling when they can no longer turn to a needle or a bottle for solace.  The emptiness is almost overwhelming, and I have to keep reminding myself that feeding the emptiness doesn’t make it go away any more than shoveling dirt into an open wound can fill it up and heal it.  On the contrary, to heal a wound you sometimes have to aggravate it by cleaning out the bits of gunk and crying through the application of rubbing alcohol before healing can begin.

Today, I give myself permission to cry as much as I need to.