Tiaras and Tenacity
My Struggle for the Crown
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 16th, 2009 | Filed under metaphor | Comment now »
The most difficult part of losing weight, for me, is feeling my emotions. When there is no limit on food, emotions are so easy. You enjoy the good ones and you suffocate the uncomfortable ones with mashed potatos. When you cannot eat because you just ate not even an hour ago, you start to realize that you’re not hungry, you’re empty. Once you realize you’re empty, you start to notice how ineffective all things not-food-related are at filling you up. You realize that “listening to a cd” or “going for a walk” don’t take you away from what you’re feeling and there’s a little voice inside that says, “JUST FUCKING EAT THE CAKE WOMAN, NOTHING ELSE WILL WORK!” and it’s right. Nothing else will smother my emotions entirely. Not sex, not exercise, not gambling, not drinking, not porn, not books, not rest, not a pedicure, not even a nice drive with my favorite music blaring in the car. Nothing else quiets that aching emptiness. Nothing else stops the need to cry myself into oblivion. The voice insists on this and pleads with me to just give in before it gets any more uncomfortable for her.
Victory, for me, will not come in the form of a new dress size or a number on a scale. Success, sure. But never victory. The only way to win here is to find some new way to experience my life. To cry when I need to cry and scream when I need to scream. Victory will mean telling people who are very dear to me that I deserve more than the bullshit they often heap on me because I’ve always been a willing recipient.
Victory will mean rocking the boat, even when it’s a giant cruise ship and I feel too weak to move.
I cannot be sure, but I would bet that drug addicts and alcoholics go through this same feeling when they can no longer turn to a needle or a bottle for solace. The emptiness is almost overwhelming, and I have to keep reminding myself that feeding the emptiness doesn’t make it go away any more than shoveling dirt into an open wound can fill it up and heal it. On the contrary, to heal a wound you sometimes have to aggravate it by cleaning out the bits of gunk and crying through the application of rubbing alcohol before healing can begin.
Today, I give myself permission to cry as much as I need to.
Goals for 11-11-09
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 11th, 2009 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »
My Goals for Today:
- Eat reasonably (1250 - 2000 cals)
- Go for at least one walk
- Do at least one load of laundry
- Relax
- Believe that I can succeed
“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” -Jan Glidewell
Goals for 11-9-09
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 9th, 2009 | Filed under Goals | Comment now »
My goals for today:
- Eat reasonably. Stay between 1250 - 1800 calories - Ehh.. 2000 or so.
- Go walking with mom for 30 mins
- Buy Xmas Tree - Putting this off til next paycheck
- Breathe deeply and relax
- Believe that I can succeed
My goals for this week are to:
- Walk 100 minutes
- Strength train 3 days for 10 mins
- Journal every bite
- Truly expect success
Goals for 11-6-09
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 6th, 2009 | Filed under Goals | Comment now »
My goals for today:
- Eat reasonably. Stay between 1250 - 2000 calories - 2017, not bad!
- Enjoy Karaoke - Tewwtally.
- Breathe deeply and relax
- Believe that I can succeed
My goals for this week are to:
- Walk 100 minutes (20 mins x 5 days)
- Strength train 3 days
- Journal every bite
- Truly expect success
Goals for 11-5-09
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 5th, 2009 | Filed under Goals | Comment now »
My goals for today are to:
- Stay within 1250-2100 calorie range (Outback tonight, eeps!) - Oh my god, OFF THE RAILS. OFF. THE. RAILS.
- Walk on mom’s treadmill for 20 mins - I didn’t even do this.
- Breathe deeply and relax - Not a chance. Oy.
- Believe that I am succeeding Even though this day was definitely a setback to my goal, I know I’m succeeding because I’m owning up to it, I’ve recorded everything that I ate and I’m determined to do better today.
“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.”
—Janis Joplin
My goals for this week are to:
- Walk 100 minutes (20 mins x 5 days)
- Strength train 3 days
- Journal every bite
- Truly expect success
Goals for 11-4-09
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 4th, 2009 | Filed under Goals | Comment now »
My goals for today are to:
- Stay within 1250-1800 calorie range - 2150. But DAMN, Subway was nummy.
- Walk with mom
- Hug the kid and apologize again for yelling at him when I’d already gotten my point across.
- See Paranormal Activity (At the drive-in.. WOO!) - Stupid World Series.
- Breathe deeply and relax - You know, I DID!
- Believe that I can succeed - I am succeeding.
“Stop trying to perfect your child, but keep trying to perfect your relationship with him.” -Dr. Henker
My goals for this week are to:
- Walk 100 minutes (20 mins x 5 days)
- Strength train 3 days
- Journal every bite
- Truly expect success
Goals for 11-3-09
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 3rd, 2009 | Filed under Goals | Comment now »
My goals for today are to:
- Stay OVER 1250 but under 1800 calories for the day
- Go walking with mom
- Get dishes washed/put away - Got most of them done
- Clean kitchen countertops
- Breathe deeply and relax
- Believe that I can succeed
“No horse gets anywhere until he is harnessed. No stream or gas drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows great until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.” -Harry Emerson Fosdick
My goals for this week are to:
- Walk 100 minutes (20 mins x 5 days)
- Strength train 3 days
- Journal every bite
- Truly expect success
Goals for 11-2-09
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 2nd, 2009 | Filed under Goals | Comment now »
My goals for today are to:
- Stay OVER 1250 but under 1800 calories for the day - Lawdy lawdy. Someone get these popcorn balls and Grand Crescent Rolls OUT of my house please!? - 2275 cals for the day.
- Go walking with mom - Done! One mile, about 24 mins
- Breathe deeply and relax
- Believe that I can succeed
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
–– Ralph Waldo Emerson
My goals for this week are to:
- Walk 100 minutes (20 mins x 5 days)
- Strength train 3 days
- Journal every bite
- Truly expect success
Goals for 11-1-09
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 1st, 2009 | Filed under Goals | Comment now »
Not every day can be perfect, eh?
My goals for today are to:
- Stay OVER 1250 but under 1800 calories for the day
- Go walking with mom
- Watch The Office
- Record a song
- Breathe deeply and relax
- Believe that I can succeed
“Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only for wallowing in.”
-Katherine Mansfield
My goals for this week are to:
- Walk 100 minutes (20 mins x 5 days)
- Strength train 3 days
- Journal every bite
- Truly expect success
Goals for 10-31-09 - Happy Actual Halloween!
Posted tiarasandtenacity on November 1st, 2009 | Filed under Goals | Comment now »
My goals for today are to:
- Stay OVER 1250 but under 2500 calories for the day - 2509. Oops.
- Make popcorn balls
- Clean house
- Don’t go overboard on the candy
- Breathe deeply and relax
- Believe that I can succeed
My goals for this week are to:
- Walk 100 minutes (20 mins x 5 days) - Only made 84 mins, 4 days
- Strength train 3 days, 30 mins each - Made 3 days, 10 mins each
- Journal every bite - Done
- Truly expect success - Done