The skinny friend, now fat

getting there

Today I tried on one of my old skirts and it fit! It’s so good to be wearing some of my normal clothes again. It is the best incentive. Because of this, when I went out to get coffee I didn’t have a muffin. I think those boosts, like finding something fits, or seeing you’ve lost another kilo, makes you want to keep going. I still have a long way to go, in terms of where I used to be. But, I will set that goal once I reach this one.

The power of the scales can make or break you.

It has been about three or four weeks since I have posted on here. Below is an excerpt of the early days, which were the hardest.

January

Monday. Almost gave in. It is a week since I started my diet. I weighed myself this morning. I weigh less than when I started. My scales are often out and I have to tap them before I weigh myself. Yesterday the scales hovered just past 65. This morning they were on 66. It’s amazing how that tiny amount can make you want to give up. I felt deflated and wanted to eat chocolate. My Internet connection stopped working, so no blog to keep me on track. Luckily I was able to save myself from doing anything to sabotage my diet when I got hooked into clothes shopping by my daughter. This turned out to be a good thing, as the clothes I picked up and tried on were a size smaller than the size I tried on last shopping excursion. And they fit!! That made me feel really good and encouraged me to keep going.

My diet is pretty enjoyable. I had a version of our bacon pasta bake last night. I had ham with a low fat slice of cheese broken over the top. The sauce was more watery than I usually made it, but by leaving the dish to stand a while, it became thicker. To me it tasted just the same as the bacon pasta I usually made. I followed the meal by having a Weight Watchers ice cream tub. It really hit the spot.

Tuesday.

I am drinking skim milk cappuccinos now, and boy are they terrible. Now I know why I thought cappuccinos had gotten better – they hadn’t gotten better, they just taste better with full fat milk. I am thinking of giving them a miss, it’s really not worth it. I could have a small strawberry shake for around the same points and at least it tastes better.

Saturday

It’s been 13 days since I started. This week has been a struggle, but I’ve managed to keep on track. I am now 65kg and hovering slightly under. Yesterday morning my stomach looked noticeably smaller, even my waist looked trimmer. I can’t wait to hit 64kg. I haven’t been that weight since I was pregnant. Tonight is take-away night. I am already trying to decide what I’ll have instead of take away.

My diet has not been boring, and apart from the first few days, I have not had much salad by itself. I find I need some sort of carb, either bread or pasta at dinnertime to fill me up. My treat every night after dinner is a Weight Watchers sundae. Sometimes it is two, depending on how many points I have and how much will power I can exert. I haven’t exercised much at all, except for the odd short walk. I keep some sort of fruit in the house, either grapes, a mango or a banana. These are a good side addition to lunch or for a snack mid-afternoon.

My daughter said I shouldn’t be eating ice cream because I’m on a diet. I shouldn’t really use the word diet. I should say, healthy eating plan, or weight loss plan. Because it’s really training myself how to properly eat again, instead of eating large amounts of whatever I want, whenever I want. The thing is, I can eat these treats like ice cream and lose weight. I can have a handful of potato chips or a McDonalds shake and still lose weight. The thing is making choices. I could cut out bread, pasta, sugar and really deprive myself, but I know a diet involving this wouldn’t work for me. My sister went on a no-carb diet and lost weight. That diet was a perfect for her. I would have failed on it, and starved.

 Febuary 15.

It has been about three or four weeks since I have posted on here. Once I reached my two week goal, my new goal was to get down to pre pregnancy weight of 60kg by first week in March. I am now 63kg, have given in now and then but managed to get back on track. Today was one of those days where I was ready to head off to the coffee shop and have a cheesecake with a cappucino. Then I tried on one of my old tops and I looked slimmer and I thought, “I don’t really need that cheesecake. I only have 2 and a half weeks left to get down to 60kg. I want to make it.” So I went to the fruit and veg shop instead and bought fruit. I’m going to have a healthy lunch and I feel so much better that I haven’t taken a step backwards today. Last night I made the mistake of buying 2x 4packs of caramel rice pudding because they were on special. I have avoided them up til now, because they send my cravings sky high and afterward I just want to eat another, then more junk, then more sugary stuff. And so it was. I ate three. 9 points over my daily points. I was relieved when I got on the scales this morning and found I was still 63kg. There is nothing worse than seeing you have gained weight back. This will be a lesson to me, buy individual or not at all. It’s not worth it.

I’m feeling energetic today, and I really want to go for a walk to help boost my weight loss. I’ve planned what I’m having for lunch. I have yummy fruit as a snack if I feel like it. Back on track for today. I have lost around 5kg so far.

still hanging in

Just a quickie to let you know I’m still here. I’m now 64kg. It’s been hard, and I’ve wanted to give in, but managed to keep on track. Will fill you in when my internet connection returns.

Day 6

Day 6! Wow. I woke up this morning and felt a bit faint. I ate some toast with mushrooms, had a cup of black tea and felt better. My daughter came home yesterday. My diet is still intact.  

For a while today I was on the cusp of giving in and falling into old habits. Then I remembered this blog and my previous failed attempts at weight loss and caught myself in time. Thank goodness for coloured popcorn, is all I can say. It’s so important to have snacks in the house that I can actually eat.

Tonight is take-away night. We usually get KFC or some sort of take-away. My treat was two ham and pineapple pizza subs and a small tub of WW ice cream. This all fit nicely into my points and I didn’t feel left out. But the WW ice cream was so sweet I could feel myself spiralling into uncontrollable binge territory. Luckily it passed.

feeling good

Day 4. I can actually see a difference on the scales. I’m feeling better about myself, glad that I’m making the effort to lose this weight. Even though I can’t see a difference and the scales may only be water weight, I feel thinner. The biggest threat to my diet comes back tonight, my daughter. Back to work at McDonalds after a week away. She eats terribly unhealthy. She’s always been fussy, right from a baby. And now that she’s a teenager all she wants to eat is fast food. All my other attempts at losing weight have been sabotaged by her. She get’s up in the morning and wants Hungry Jacks. Or wants KFC for lunch. And it’s a bit hard to drive there and buy nothing for myself. So all my past attempts at dieting have flown by the wayside or been shoved aside by the excuse that I’m not that fat and I can eat it anyway. So I seriously worry that my good work this week will amount to nothing. My daughter, on the otherhand, is stick thin. She won’t touch fruit or veg and only eats fast food, or for a home meal, only the meat. I’ve tried to get her to eat healthy, told her the dangers of eating fast food all the time, but she doesn’t care and just wants to eat it. So fingers crossed I can keep on track.

For lunch today, I was actually beginning to feel full after eating a cup of rockmelon and half a small bunch of grapes(sharing both with my baby), before my salad sandwich. I had two poached eggs on grain toast for breakfast, and that did the trick, keeping me full till way after the usual time I would have eaten lunch. Yesterday I ended up eating less than my intended points balance of 24. I have gone back to using the points, as it took such a long time to enter my calories into my calorie counter - and I wasn’t sure they were precise. I love weight watchers. I don’t have to give up a thing, and it’s so much easier to say no to something when you know you can have it if you can fit it into your points. That said, I’m staying away from sweets and WW diet desserts. The sugar hit usually makes me end up bingeing. I’m happy with a diet yoghurt or a cupful of coloured popcorn, so far. Let’s hope I can say no to McDonalds softserve cones tomorrow.

Fatorexia and believing you’re ugly

I have fatorexia. Yes, apparently it is a condition; a person refuses to see that they are fat, thinking instead they are skinny. This was me for a long time, I still think I’m skinny. Yesterday afternoon I went for my goal walk. Striding out, my baby in the stroller, me wearing a pretty cap-sleeved blouse and shorts. I look great, I was thinking, looking down at my trim legs, letting my long ponytail swish over my shoulder. I passed a parked car and glanced at my reflection. Shock horror, who was that fat woman?! Fat chin, fat shoulders, butt poking out, stomach protruding despite my pulling it in. My shoulders slumped and I could have given up right then. I can’t look that bad. I can’t be that fat. These had been my excuses up til then. I did look that bad and I did look that fat. No matter what direction my photo was taken from, no matter what I wore or which mirror I used, I was fat. And I had to face it and work on it. And so, Day 3 ended with a bit more motivation.

Now, for the other topic. No one wants to believe they’re ugly. And I refuse to believe it. What kind of self worth would I have if I gave in and admitted I was ugly? But if I wasn’t ugly, why do I get dog-barked at by teenagers in cars. Or have men hack up a golly as if to spit on me as I pass by. Do I just live in a town where men are rude and obnoxious? And why do they do these things? Does it make them feel good, make them feel like more of a man? And how dare they do it in the checkout line when I’m right in front of them. One day I’m going to lose it and tell one of them off - and heaven help that guy. I can understand that I’m frumpy and fat at the moment. That my hair is lanky and dark and plain. That my face is fat, my chin is fat and that I do look unattractive. But, even when I was thin, had blonde hair and wore great clothes, I still got dog-barked at - so I must be ugly, right? I refuse to believe it and I shouldn’t have to. Everyone has the right to feel good about themselves and it’s these dog-barking, golly-hacking jerks that should feel ugly.

Day 2

Day 2 went well. Having this blog is helping me. Reading the supportive comments really inspire me to do well. I made myself do an exercise dvd yesterday. I hated it. Ten minutes in I wanted to sit down and watch it instead. But I forced myself to do it, exercising harder instead of stopping, and I made it! 25 mins of exercise that included belly exercises (which I hate).

My diet yesterday went like this;

Breakfast

  1. 2 weetbix w/ low fat milk and sugar
  2. black tea 2 sugar

Mid morning

small Skinny cappucino 2 sugar

Lunch

  1. 1/4 of a parmesan/onion breadstick(no butter) filled with salad veg incl. tablsp avocado
  2. mug chicken noodle soup made with water
  3. 1 small bunch seedless grapes, handful of blackberries

Afternoon snack

1 cup of mixed banana, red pawpaw, crimson grapes

Dinner

  1. small bbq chicken breast no skin, cut up with salad (lettuce, tomato, onion, cucumber) 25ml honey mustard dressing
  2. 1/4 parmesan/onion breadstick filled with salad veg incl avocado plus few strips of chicken breast
  3. black tea and sugar
  4. small bunch of grapes as snack later on

Haven’t really felt hungry. I still sit around too much.  Went to bed feeling satisfied with what I’d eaten. Made the mistake of weighing myself this morning, too soon, I know. Years ago I would have started seeing a change in the scales the day after restricting my diet. My stomach still looks the same. My goal for Day 3 is to walk - seeing as I hated doing the exercise dvd. I will park my car further away and I’ll have no choice but to walk. Am craving a cappucino. 

Jealous

I went to visit my friend this morning. She just had a baby three days ago. She already looks like she’s back to normal. I, on the otherhand, ten months after giving birth, look like I should be the one on the maternity ward. My stomach is still fat. I’m so jealous of people who don’t gain weight on their stomach - or upper arms. I guess some people would consider me lucky, I don’t gain weight on my bottom or thighs. My daughter said to me recently, “Mum, your legs don’t look like they belong on your body. They’re too skinny.”

Ok, so this is day 2. Day 1 went well. Day 1 usually does, it’s every day after that gets hard. So my only real weakness yesterday was a blueberry muffin after dinner last night. According to my food tracker, I stuck to around 1400 calories. I’m still breastfeeding, so I can’t be too restrictive. This morning I went out and bought lots of fresh fruit. I find it’s easier to stick to a diet plan if there’s good stuff to eat. As for the getting moving yesterday, well no I didn’t. Still mostly a couch potato. Goal for today, do something - even if it’s vacuuming the carpet. I wish housework was more appealing.

Fat friends

I’ve always had fat friends. Perhaps I felt comfortable with them; they’re not a threat. They won’t steal your boyfriend.

I’ve been lucky to have good genes and a fast metabolism. I was always the skinny friend. I could eat lots of junk. I gained weight of course, just not heaps. Until now. It started before I fell pregnant. My work hours got cut back and I was writing a lot, which meant I wasn’t moving around as much. At the same time I was at a crossroads in life. I couldn’t see a future at my job. I was in two minds whether I wanted another child. I fell into bad habits, eating apple turnovers every day and soon gained 6kgs. Try as I might, I couldn’t shift that weight. Then I fell pregnant. As good as my intentions were to eat healthy, I gained a lot of weight - 21kgs. I did lose some of that weight the week after the birth, but am still 18kgs more than I should be.

For most of the past 10 months I have been apathetic. I didn’t care that I’d gained weight and didn’t care to lose it. I was a mama again and that was what mattered. Plus, it’s hard to lose weight when you have a  family member that works in fast food. It’s pretty hard to drive to McDonalds twice a day and then turn down a caramel sundae. So my eating habits, which were once really good, had now become bad.

There was still no real motivation for me to lose weight though. You need motivation. Then I went clothes shopping. I’d been wearing whatever fitted, what was comfortable, for months. Then suddenly I was staring at this fat woman in the mirror of the fitting room and realised it was me. I was now an ugly fat cow. The dresses that once would have looked good on me now looked terrible. I was now reaching for tops that I would never have worn. And they didn’t slim me down, they made me look frumpy and fat. I realised that by not losing weight, I was giving up on me. Me. I didn’t need to look like this.

And so, that’s why I’m here. Day 1. Turning down bacon and egg Mcmuffins and hanging out the washing. This is the beginning. I’ve done it before…lost weight. But it’s so darn hard when you’re not working, sitting around, and have family that beg for junk food. I’ve decided to set a really small goal, because I know a big one won’t work right now. Baby steps. Two weeks. Eat better for two weeks, watch what I eat. Get moving. At the end of two weeks I’ll assess how it went.

 If I can’t become the skinny friend again, at least I can become the least fat friend.