I have fatorexia. Yes, apparently it is a condition; a person refuses to see that they are fat, thinking instead they are skinny. This was me for a long time, I still think I’m skinny. Yesterday afternoon I went for my goal walk. Striding out, my baby in the stroller, me wearing a pretty cap-sleeved blouse and shorts. I look great, I was thinking, looking down at my trim legs, letting my long ponytail swish over my shoulder. I passed a parked car and glanced at my reflection. Shock horror, who was that fat woman?! Fat chin, fat shoulders, butt poking out, stomach protruding despite my pulling it in. My shoulders slumped and I could have given up right then. I can’t look that bad. I can’t be that fat. These had been my excuses up til then. I did look that bad and I did look that fat. No matter what direction my photo was taken from, no matter what I wore or which mirror I used, I was fat. And I had to face it and work on it. And so, Day 3 ended with a bit more motivation.
Now, for the other topic. No one wants to believe they’re ugly. And I refuse to believe it. What kind of self worth would I have if I gave in and admitted I was ugly? But if I wasn’t ugly, why do I get dog-barked at by teenagers in cars. Or have men hack up a golly as if to spit on me as I pass by. Do I just live in a town where men are rude and obnoxious? And why do they do these things? Does it make them feel good, make them feel like more of a man? And how dare they do it in the checkout line when I’m right in front of them. One day I’m going to lose it and tell one of them off – and heaven help that guy. I can understand that I’m frumpy and fat at the moment. That my hair is lanky and dark and plain. That my face is fat, my chin is fat and that I do look unattractive. But, even when I was thin, had blonde hair and wore great clothes, I still got dog-barked at – so I must be ugly, right? I refuse to believe it and I shouldn’t have to. Everyone has the right to feel good about themselves and it’s these dog-barking, golly-hacking jerks that should feel ugly.
Posted on January 11th, 2012 by theskinnyonenowfat
Filed under: Uncategorized