The skinny friend, now fat

Fatorexia and believing you’re ugly

I have fatorexia. Yes, apparently it is a condition; a person refuses to see that they are fat, thinking instead they are skinny. This was me for a long time, I still think I’m skinny. Yesterday afternoon I went for my goal walk. Striding out, my baby in the stroller, me wearing a pretty cap-sleeved blouse and shorts. I look great, I was thinking, looking down at my trim legs, letting my long ponytail swish over my shoulder. I passed a parked car and glanced at my reflection. Shock horror, who was that fat woman?! Fat chin, fat shoulders, butt poking out, stomach protruding despite my pulling it in. My shoulders slumped and I could have given up right then. I can’t look that bad. I can’t be that fat. These had been my excuses up til then. I did look that bad and I did look that fat. No matter what direction my photo was taken from, no matter what I wore or which mirror I used, I was fat. And I had to face it and work on it. And so, Day 3 ended with a bit more motivation.

Now, for the other topic. No one wants to believe they’re ugly. And I refuse to believe it. What kind of self worth would I have if I gave in and admitted I was ugly? But if I wasn’t ugly, why do I get dog-barked at by teenagers in cars. Or have men hack up a golly as if to spit on me as I pass by. Do I just live in a town where men are rude and obnoxious? And why do they do these things? Does it make them feel good, make them feel like more of a man? And how dare they do it in the checkout line when I’m right in front of them. One day I’m going to lose it and tell one of them off – and heaven help that guy. I can understand that I’m frumpy and fat at the moment. That my hair is lanky and dark and plain. That my face is fat, my chin is fat and that I do look unattractive. But, even when I was thin, had blonde hair and wore great clothes, I still got dog-barked at – so I must be ugly, right? I refuse to believe it and I shouldn’t have to. Everyone has the right to feel good about themselves and it’s these dog-barking, golly-hacking jerks that should feel ugly.

4 Responses to “Fatorexia and believing you’re ugly”

  1. the first time a man spit while glancing at me i felt humiliated. i axctually took it as a message from Gd,
    I have changed the way that I dress. I am now very modest in my clothing choices so as to remove me from the pool of “check out that ugly fat chick” women.
    I now dress like someone’s most prized , most loved most esteemed being.
    When i dress modest those low class men dare not glare or spit at me. I am too special for them.

  2. You know, everything we needed to learn about the opposite sex we learned in kindergarten. Boys are stupid. They are. Truly. They have no common sense when it comes to feelings, thought or even common sense. The media has partially encouraged that, portraying that beautiful is when you are anorexic and fully made up wearing Victoria Secret shit saying, show e you love me! *ugh* Personality has nothing of value for those “boys” and they do not even deserve your 2nd thought. I would retort next time, ..the problem with the gene pool is that is had no lifeguards when you were created dear. and let them try and figure it out as you smile, walk away with your head held high, because someone does think you are beautiful!

  3. oh I saw this and thought of you.


  4. thanks for share!

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