The skinny friend, now fat

No benefits to giving up smoking

My husband gave up smoking last year. Almost straight away he gained weight. Along with this weight gain came the health issues; sleep apnoea, fluid in the legs, lack of fitness, no energy. Added to this is apathy, the disinclination to do anything about the weight gain. It is culmination of all of these things that are putting a strain on our marriage. The reduced intimacy is just another to add to the list. I mean, what can you do about it? I didn’t think that at forty years of age I’d be in a marriage without sex. In my fifties maybe. My husband is only 42. I’ve told him I will help him lose weight. But he has to want to lose it and to work with me. I get exhausted just thinking about it, it’s like walking against the tide with him. I should know by now I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.

I’m 55kg now, hoping I’m under this week. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about how to maintain this weight loss. I will have to keep being vigilant. I will have to not allow my bad habits to come sneaking back. I’ll have to have willpower in some cases and in others I will just have to say no. I’m loving being skinny. I’m loving being fit, though my exercise program these days extends as far as 15 mins a day on the ab circle pro.

Loving the compliments

They were a long time coming, but people are now finally starting to notice my weight loss. I got told I’m lookin’ good the other day. And I’ve had people asking how I lost the weight. My old clothes fit - I still can’t get over that fact, I tried on some jeans the other day, they’re brand new, been sitting in my drawer for years - and I was amazed they fit. I’m starting to get over my fear of trying things on. I sometimes still think of myself as fat, so when I look at my old clothes I think, “Oh that won’t fit” or ”That will look horrible”, so when I do finally try them I’m amazed when they fit. I’d avoided updating my FB profile pic because of my weight - I’d avoided taking pictures since my face looked fat too. The other night I took about ten selfie’s, thrilled that I look good. I didn’t put them on my profile, but I did choose a couple to put in my FB pictures and got several likes in response.

I’m now almost 55kg, which was my goal. My exercise has been non-existent, so I had a minimal weight loss this past week, plus the week before I’d gone on a short holiday and indulged in bakery items, so I’m trying to conform. 55kg here I come.

Yay

Weighed myself yesterday. I had a feeling I wouldn’t have lost anything, (I don’t know what made me think that). So it was a surprise to find I had lost another kg. I’m now 57, hovering a little under it in fact. My diet has been good, I haven’t restricted myself and I think that helps, though I still have my problem trigger foods that I hesitate to reintroduce. Surprisingly, Subway is one of them. Maybe it’s because it’s so delicious that once you’ve finished, you crave something more, instead of being satisfied. I can see that my diet was so directed toward bingeing before. You know it’s not right when you’re doing it but it can be hard to make yourself see that, even harder to make yourself do something about it when all you crave is more of the same. I can’t say that I’ve put bingeing behind me for good, because it still lurks there, waiting to jump out again and destroy everything I’ve worked for and it scares the heck out of me to think of going back. Each morning I pull up my pyjama top and examine my stomach in the mirror. It is shrinking, but sometimes I fear pulling up my shirt and seeing my stomach as fat as it was. I still sometimes can’t see the difference. I can feel the difference; my clothes fit, but I still imagine it being the same.

Impressed

Saw an old friend of mine today. I actually didn’t recognise her when she sailed past me in her long flowing skirt, with her head held high. The reason is because the last time I saw her she walked with great difficulty thanks to her weight and sounded out of breath every time she spoke. So, to see her today, having lost a large amount of weight, I was impressed and pleased for her. She had gone from 140kg to 90kg and you only need to see a 50kg sack of potatoes to realise how much weight that really is and the difficulty she must have felt trying to lug that around. To see her walking now it’s as if she’s a completely new woman, puts my 7kg loss in the shade! I am always in awe of people who lose so much weight. I haven’t had so much difficulty this time, with cravings or wanting to eat junk. Maybe it’s because I’m busier and because I’ve seen the results and want to keep going. Maybe it’s the exercise as well. Maybe I was just ready. Of course, there’s always a fear in the back of my mind that I’ll suddenly have a binge or get off track and end up gaining it all back again. I guess everyone fears that.

I’m back…

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I posted. I wish I could fill you in, but I honestly can’t remember much. I’m still married and things are going well. I struggled to lose weight through the year, but didn’t lose any more than a few kilos before falling back into my old ways. But I’m happy to say that for the past two months I’ve been following WW and have lost 7kgs and am now 58kg. I am now a healthy BMI and my old clothes are fitting me. A friend of mine came to visit for two weeks and she’s overweight and loves to eat out, so I couldn’t not eat lunch out with her. It was Chinese too, which is not a real healthy choice, but I didn’t stuff myself and I exercised afterward. My exercise plan is my proudest achievement and probably my biggest aid to losing the weight. The last time I dropped weight, I did it with little or no exercise, as it wasn’t one of my favourite things to do. This time I started exercising. I began on the exercise bike, cycling for one song, then used the skipping rope for one song, then back on the bike at a harder speed, then skipped again. The skipping was very hard on my knees at first and I only skip with one foot off the ground as two feet at once is too high impact for me. I love skipping and it is the best workout, my cardio has improved no end, so that I can skip almost continuously for three songs in a row now. I just acquired an ab circle pro three days ago, hoping to work my abs but other than toning my triceps, I can’t really feel it doing anything for my abs, but as part of my exercise plan it’s a good diversion, a bit hard on the back and neck though. I only weigh myself once a week, on the same day. Fitting into my old clothes, getting comments on my lost weight and seeing the scales go down is incentive for me to keep going. I don’t deny myself any food as long as it fits into my points and I’ve learned to avoid trigger foods for bingeing, etc mine is anything with artificial sweetener in it, like the diet desserts. I have real sugar instead. If I want a packet of chips I have them, in a smaller size of course. Chocolate is a bit harder to fit into my points, but I found the little tubes of mini M&M’s do the trick. I don’t buy whole cakes anymore and I’m careful what I buy for the kids so I don’t get tempted and I keep them out of eyesight so they’re not on show as I open the cupboard.I’m feeling really good, liking the shape of my face without the fat chin! Just wish I could get rid of my stomach…

Right back where I started from

I’ve been avoiding the scales for months, ever since I reached my goal and fell back into eating whatever I pleased, whenever I pleased. So I shouldn’t be surprised. Somehow, I coasted along these past months, eating tubs of ice cream, cakes, margarine on toast, McDonalds, KFC, everything I want…and thinking, gee, I can eat whatever I like…fooling myself into thinking I wouldn’t gain weight, well, no surprise, I’ve just about gained back every kilo I lost. Now, I’m faced with losing it all again, and with less points because this time I’m not breastfeeding.

I don’t think I have any issues with mood and food. My weakness is bingeing - eating the whole tub of ice cream in a night. I find it really hard to want to lose weight. My husband said to me on the weekend that I’ve let myself go. I have. My marriage has been bumpy since the baby was born, and these last few months I could have happily kicked him out - we got to the stage where I thought there was no hope, and I never thought it would get there. I honestly couldn’t see a way forward. When we spoke it was bitter and nasty and I didn’t even like looking at him. But there’s a lot to be said for a quick tumble in bed and it did wonders, so we’re getting along much better.

I think the reason I have let myself go is; why not? I think I’m at the stage where I’m too old to be bothered. I’m too old to dress in skimpy clothes and catch a man’s eye - and I don’t miss it. I’m too lazy. But, I do miss dressing in nice clothes. I hate trying to find coats or tops to hide my stomach. So, I guess it’s time to get back on track. Wish me luck.

I can hardly believe it

For the last two days I have been eating whatever I pleased. I had gotten to the stage where not seeing a change on the scales made me say,”Stuff it, I’ll eat what I want.” I really suffered because of it too. I felt awful, overfull, sick, tired and wishing I hadn’t given in.  Tuesday evening, I bought a whole tub of ice cream and ate about ten cones. I had half a block of kit kat after breakfast yesterday, then a iced frappe with whipped cream, then went out to lunch and had a burger with fries. Then last night I had tuna bake and finished off with two small deli yoghurts. So, as you can see, I felt like I was sabotaging all the work I had done. I didn’t weigh myself yesterday, afraid I might have gone up 2kgs. This morning, I was planning on buying a chocolate eclair when I went out. I stepped on the scales to see how much damage I had done and I had lost a kilo!!! I was 61kg, after bingeing for two days!!! I don’t get it, it doesn’t make sense to me and it defies logic. But I’ll take the 61kgs thanks. It set me back on track today. No chocolate eclair.

Muffin for breakfast

AHHH! When will I see a damn change on the scales? I was so frustrated this morning I went and ate a blueberry muffin for breakfast. It didn’t even taste that good and made me feel really full. It is now mid afternoon, I’ve been out for coffee with a friend, had a skinny cap and I still feel full.  Tonight is take-away night. Usually we’ve had Subway and it fits into my points. Because I’m feeling so annoyed about not losing another kilo, I feel like having KFC. But I don’t know if I can go another day without seeing those scales move. It’s almost like I want to have KFC to get back at the scales, stupid isn’t it? I really should have a WW meal for dinner and go for a walk. I only have 9 days to lose the 2kg. How can I do it? It doesn’t seem possible.

How can I keep motivated?

I just want to see 61kg on the scale. I hate waiting and weighing and finding no change. It makes me just want to go out and eat junk. This morning I just wanted to go eat KFC and a blueberry muffin. The only thing stopping me is having to wait longer to see a change on the scales. I need to tweak my diet. The last two nights I’ve finished with two small tubs of WW ice cream. I notice that when I eat ice cream it takes me longer to lose weight. I need that something sweet, but obviously I need to find something else sweet that doesn’t slow my weight loss down. And I really need to get out and take a walk. That seems to speed things up. Actually doing it is another matter.

62kg

Well, I weighed myself this morning and I was 62kg. I probably won’t believe it until I weigh myself again tomorrow morning and get the same reading. I am so glad that I decided to make a change. When I think about how I was at 68/69kg, it was just not healthy.

While there is still no real outward change that everyone can see, I can see that my stomach is smaller - though at some times of the day it doesn’t seem to be. I still have a double chin, so I can’t wait til that goes. And my diet is pretty good, lots of fruit and a fair bit of veg. I haven’t stuck to my plan to get moving. Not long now to get to 60kg.

Finished off dinner tonight with a couple of baby meringues. I couldn’t believe they were only 1 point. Yum.