The skinny friend, now fat

Right back where I started from

I’ve been avoiding the scales for months, ever since I reached my goal and fell back into eating whatever I pleased, whenever I pleased. So I shouldn’t be surprised. Somehow, I coasted along these past months, eating tubs of ice cream, cakes, margarine on toast, McDonalds, KFC, everything I want…and thinking, gee, I can eat whatever I like…fooling myself into thinking I wouldn’t gain weight, well, no surprise, I’ve just about gained back every kilo I lost. Now, I’m faced with losing it all again, and with less points because this time I’m not breastfeeding.

I don’t think I have any issues with mood and food. My weakness is bingeing - eating the whole tub of ice cream in a night. I find it really hard to want to lose weight. My husband said to me on the weekend that I’ve let myself go. I have. My marriage has been bumpy since the baby was born, and these last few months I could have happily kicked him out - we got to the stage where I thought there was no hope, and I never thought it would get there. I honestly couldn’t see a way forward. When we spoke it was bitter and nasty and I didn’t even like looking at him. But there’s a lot to be said for a quick tumble in bed and it did wonders, so we’re getting along much better.

I think the reason I have let myself go is; why not? I think I’m at the stage where I’m too old to be bothered. I’m too old to dress in skimpy clothes and catch a man’s eye - and I don’t miss it. I’m too lazy. But, I do miss dressing in nice clothes. I hate trying to find coats or tops to hide my stomach. So, I guess it’s time to get back on track. Wish me luck.

I can hardly believe it

For the last two days I have been eating whatever I pleased. I had gotten to the stage where not seeing a change on the scales made me say,”Stuff it, I’ll eat what I want.” I really suffered because of it too. I felt awful, overfull, sick, tired and wishing I hadn’t given in.  Tuesday evening, I bought a whole tub of ice cream and ate about ten cones. I had half a block of kit kat after breakfast yesterday, then a iced frappe with whipped cream, then went out to lunch and had a burger with fries. Then last night I had tuna bake and finished off with two small deli yoghurts. So, as you can see, I felt like I was sabotaging all the work I had done. I didn’t weigh myself yesterday, afraid I might have gone up 2kgs. This morning, I was planning on buying a chocolate eclair when I went out. I stepped on the scales to see how much damage I had done and I had lost a kilo!!! I was 61kg, after bingeing for two days!!! I don’t get it, it doesn’t make sense to me and it defies logic. But I’ll take the 61kgs thanks. It set me back on track today. No chocolate eclair.

Muffin for breakfast

AHHH! When will I see a damn change on the scales? I was so frustrated this morning I went and ate a blueberry muffin for breakfast. It didn’t even taste that good and made me feel really full. It is now mid afternoon, I’ve been out for coffee with a friend, had a skinny cap and I still feel full.  Tonight is take-away night. Usually we’ve had Subway and it fits into my points. Because I’m feeling so annoyed about not losing another kilo, I feel like having KFC. But I don’t know if I can go another day without seeing those scales move. It’s almost like I want to have KFC to get back at the scales, stupid isn’t it? I really should have a WW meal for dinner and go for a walk. I only have 9 days to lose the 2kg. How can I do it? It doesn’t seem possible.

How can I keep motivated?

I just want to see 61kg on the scale. I hate waiting and weighing and finding no change. It makes me just want to go out and eat junk. This morning I just wanted to go eat KFC and a blueberry muffin. The only thing stopping me is having to wait longer to see a change on the scales. I need to tweak my diet. The last two nights I’ve finished with two small tubs of WW ice cream. I notice that when I eat ice cream it takes me longer to lose weight. I need that something sweet, but obviously I need to find something else sweet that doesn’t slow my weight loss down. And I really need to get out and take a walk. That seems to speed things up. Actually doing it is another matter.

62kg

Well, I weighed myself this morning and I was 62kg. I probably won’t believe it until I weigh myself again tomorrow morning and get the same reading. I am so glad that I decided to make a change. When I think about how I was at 68/69kg, it was just not healthy.

While there is still no real outward change that everyone can see, I can see that my stomach is smaller - though at some times of the day it doesn’t seem to be. I still have a double chin, so I can’t wait til that goes. And my diet is pretty good, lots of fruit and a fair bit of veg. I haven’t stuck to my plan to get moving. Not long now to get to 60kg.

Finished off dinner tonight with a couple of baby meringues. I couldn’t believe they were only 1 point. Yum.

getting there

Today I tried on one of my old skirts and it fit! It’s so good to be wearing some of my normal clothes again. It is the best incentive. Because of this, when I went out to get coffee I didn’t have a muffin. I think those boosts, like finding something fits, or seeing you’ve lost another kilo, makes you want to keep going. I still have a long way to go, in terms of where I used to be. But, I will set that goal once I reach this one.

The power of the scales can make or break you.

It has been about three or four weeks since I have posted on here. Below is an excerpt of the early days, which were the hardest.

January

Monday. Almost gave in. It is a week since I started my diet. I weighed myself this morning. I weigh less than when I started. My scales are often out and I have to tap them before I weigh myself. Yesterday the scales hovered just past 65. This morning they were on 66. It’s amazing how that tiny amount can make you want to give up. I felt deflated and wanted to eat chocolate. My Internet connection stopped working, so no blog to keep me on track. Luckily I was able to save myself from doing anything to sabotage my diet when I got hooked into clothes shopping by my daughter. This turned out to be a good thing, as the clothes I picked up and tried on were a size smaller than the size I tried on last shopping excursion. And they fit!! That made me feel really good and encouraged me to keep going.

My diet is pretty enjoyable. I had a version of our bacon pasta bake last night. I had ham with a low fat slice of cheese broken over the top. The sauce was more watery than I usually made it, but by leaving the dish to stand a while, it became thicker. To me it tasted just the same as the bacon pasta I usually made. I followed the meal by having a Weight Watchers ice cream tub. It really hit the spot.

Tuesday.

I am drinking skim milk cappuccinos now, and boy are they terrible. Now I know why I thought cappuccinos had gotten better – they hadn’t gotten better, they just taste better with full fat milk. I am thinking of giving them a miss, it’s really not worth it. I could have a small strawberry shake for around the same points and at least it tastes better.

Saturday

It’s been 13 days since I started. This week has been a struggle, but I’ve managed to keep on track. I am now 65kg and hovering slightly under. Yesterday morning my stomach looked noticeably smaller, even my waist looked trimmer. I can’t wait to hit 64kg. I haven’t been that weight since I was pregnant. Tonight is take-away night. I am already trying to decide what I’ll have instead of take away.

My diet has not been boring, and apart from the first few days, I have not had much salad by itself. I find I need some sort of carb, either bread or pasta at dinnertime to fill me up. My treat every night after dinner is a Weight Watchers sundae. Sometimes it is two, depending on how many points I have and how much will power I can exert. I haven’t exercised much at all, except for the odd short walk. I keep some sort of fruit in the house, either grapes, a mango or a banana. These are a good side addition to lunch or for a snack mid-afternoon.

My daughter said I shouldn’t be eating ice cream because I’m on a diet. I shouldn’t really use the word diet. I should say, healthy eating plan, or weight loss plan. Because it’s really training myself how to properly eat again, instead of eating large amounts of whatever I want, whenever I want. The thing is, I can eat these treats like ice cream and lose weight. I can have a handful of potato chips or a McDonalds shake and still lose weight. The thing is making choices. I could cut out bread, pasta, sugar and really deprive myself, but I know a diet involving this wouldn’t work for me. My sister went on a no-carb diet and lost weight. That diet was a perfect for her. I would have failed on it, and starved.

 Febuary 15.

It has been about three or four weeks since I have posted on here. Once I reached my two week goal, my new goal was to get down to pre pregnancy weight of 60kg by first week in March. I am now 63kg, have given in now and then but managed to get back on track. Today was one of those days where I was ready to head off to the coffee shop and have a cheesecake with a cappucino. Then I tried on one of my old tops and I looked slimmer and I thought, “I don’t really need that cheesecake. I only have 2 and a half weeks left to get down to 60kg. I want to make it.” So I went to the fruit and veg shop instead and bought fruit. I’m going to have a healthy lunch and I feel so much better that I haven’t taken a step backwards today. Last night I made the mistake of buying 2x 4packs of caramel rice pudding because they were on special. I have avoided them up til now, because they send my cravings sky high and afterward I just want to eat another, then more junk, then more sugary stuff. And so it was. I ate three. 9 points over my daily points. I was relieved when I got on the scales this morning and found I was still 63kg. There is nothing worse than seeing you have gained weight back. This will be a lesson to me, buy individual or not at all. It’s not worth it.

I’m feeling energetic today, and I really want to go for a walk to help boost my weight loss. I’ve planned what I’m having for lunch. I have yummy fruit as a snack if I feel like it. Back on track for today. I have lost around 5kg so far.

still hanging in

Just a quickie to let you know I’m still here. I’m now 64kg. It’s been hard, and I’ve wanted to give in, but managed to keep on track. Will fill you in when my internet connection returns.

Day 6

Day 6! Wow. I woke up this morning and felt a bit faint. I ate some toast with mushrooms, had a cup of black tea and felt better. My daughter came home yesterday. My diet is still intact.  

For a while today I was on the cusp of giving in and falling into old habits. Then I remembered this blog and my previous failed attempts at weight loss and caught myself in time. Thank goodness for coloured popcorn, is all I can say. It’s so important to have snacks in the house that I can actually eat.

Tonight is take-away night. We usually get KFC or some sort of take-away. My treat was two ham and pineapple pizza subs and a small tub of WW ice cream. This all fit nicely into my points and I didn’t feel left out. But the WW ice cream was so sweet I could feel myself spiralling into uncontrollable binge territory. Luckily it passed.

feeling good

Day 4. I can actually see a difference on the scales. I’m feeling better about myself, glad that I’m making the effort to lose this weight. Even though I can’t see a difference and the scales may only be water weight, I feel thinner. The biggest threat to my diet comes back tonight, my daughter. Back to work at McDonalds after a week away. She eats terribly unhealthy. She’s always been fussy, right from a baby. And now that she’s a teenager all she wants to eat is fast food. All my other attempts at losing weight have been sabotaged by her. She get’s up in the morning and wants Hungry Jacks. Or wants KFC for lunch. And it’s a bit hard to drive there and buy nothing for myself. So all my past attempts at dieting have flown by the wayside or been shoved aside by the excuse that I’m not that fat and I can eat it anyway. So I seriously worry that my good work this week will amount to nothing. My daughter, on the otherhand, is stick thin. She won’t touch fruit or veg and only eats fast food, or for a home meal, only the meat. I’ve tried to get her to eat healthy, told her the dangers of eating fast food all the time, but she doesn’t care and just wants to eat it. So fingers crossed I can keep on track.

For lunch today, I was actually beginning to feel full after eating a cup of rockmelon and half a small bunch of grapes(sharing both with my baby), before my salad sandwich. I had two poached eggs on grain toast for breakfast, and that did the trick, keeping me full till way after the usual time I would have eaten lunch. Yesterday I ended up eating less than my intended points balance of 24. I have gone back to using the points, as it took such a long time to enter my calories into my calorie counter - and I wasn’t sure they were precise. I love weight watchers. I don’t have to give up a thing, and it’s so much easier to say no to something when you know you can have it if you can fit it into your points. That said, I’m staying away from sweets and WW diet desserts. The sugar hit usually makes me end up bingeing. I’m happy with a diet yoghurt or a cupful of coloured popcorn, so far. Let’s hope I can say no to McDonalds softserve cones tomorrow.