Well today I made my first social eating faux pas.
I snarfed down a mongo breakfast upon returning to work today and seemed to lack all resolve I’d made that I was going to change my habits and do what was right.
Oh no. I didn’t just eat one thing I shouldn’t have.. I ate maybe 5 things I shouldn’t have. I barely tasted the rich, fat-laden CHEESY goodness of a couple of different kinds of breakfast casseroles, some sausage roll-ups, a small cinnamon bun and some Starbucks double mocha-latte w/extra foam.. I ate my food like a hungry dog goes after their dinner bowl.
I finished and almost immediately felt like I’d just broken the law. I glanced around nervously wondering if anyone else had just seen the disgusting inhalation that just took place – and thankfully, nobody was any the wiser.
But I was.
I was so disappointed in myself. I had not only fallen off the ‘eat right/eat smart’ bus.. I’d jumped off and hit the ground running.
Knowing that I won’t quit my new quest at a new me and a new lifestyle, I’m still pretty embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I think it has a lot to do with my former bad habit of smoking. See, I tried several times to quit that nasty habit as well.. and I repeatedly had fallen off the ‘clean air’ bandwagon.. and I failed time after time. Yes, I finally DID succeed, but I don’t have that kind of time this go around.
I don’t have 15 years to piddle fart around waiting for myself to grow some willpower… I need to do this and do it now. I hate to be a bad cliche – but it’s now or never. I know at the rate I’m currently going, if I don’t commit to making this work, I will keep adding weight until there is no point of return.
There by the grace of some higher power – I am going to do this and I *WILL* succeed!
I can’t afford not to.
Well, it’s day three of my new lifestyle of counting calories and being fully aware of what I’m eating, and I have to say one thing:
I was not expecting my appetite to be SO ENORMOUS!!
I’m counting calories and making (I think) wise choices over what I’m ingesting, but today after lunch I felt like I was starving!! Is this normal?? I know I’ve gained a lot of weight and that hasn’t happened because I ate small, low calorie, low fat meals… but geesh!! I didn’t expect to feel like I hadn’t eaten at all.
I think my stomach has hit the point where it’s saying, “Hey up there! What the HELL are you DOING!?!!”
I guess this is the part that is hard, huh? The first two days I was so estatic to get going and was hyped up about finding 3FC that I “forgot” that eventually the adrenaline would come back down an the “honeymoon would be over”.
Well, time to dig in my heels and let my stomach know that it’s not the boss of me!
Well we just got back from the grocery store and let me tell you – for the first time in YEARS, I was excited to shop for food! See, I’ve always hated going grocery shopping and I think that deep down I just knew I’d buy a bunch of crap that I know I didn’t need.
Then we had children and buying food for them is different – you know what I mean. You try to buy healthy for them but kids need more calories and such than adults so and since my son is underweight (high needs child) and my daughter is right where she’s supposed to be, I would often buy things without worry about the calorie value. Anyway, I catch myself buying stuff that I tell myself is for them, when in reality – I use that as an excuse so I can snarf it down.
It’s not bad/BAD, but it certainly isn’t something that *I* should be eating.
I made a purchase late last night from www.amazon.com – a pocket-sized electronic calorie counter. I have a small book that I used to use (many moons ago) but I thought this would be much handier and would help keep me on track because it’d be more convenient to enter foods and get calories right off.
So off to the store we all went and I was paying very close attention to what I was putting in the cart and I was also reading labels – something that I’m ashamed to say, I’ve never really done before. I know, shame on me!!
I kind of went in with the mind-set that everything I put in the cart was going to be X amount of portions for me and if I cut my caloric intake down to 1000 calories a day during the work week and up to 1200 calories over the weekends, how many meals could I get out of X product? I felt like for the first time in a LONG time, I had control.
My kids are excited that I’m excited and I’m hoping that my DH feels inspired to join me. He was told by his doctor a year ago that he really needed to drop about 70lbs. He has high blood pressure and while he hates taking meds for that, I don’t feel I should rag at him to try and lose the weight…even though I’m concerned about his health.
He quit smoking 5 years ago before I did, and he never once ragged at me to quit although he KNEW I needed to in the worst of ways. He later told me that he wanted to inspire me to quit when I was ready.. and it worked. It took me 2 years after he quit to decide that I’d had enough, but I did it. Just like he knew I would.
I hope I can help him in the same way.
This won’t be an easy road, but it’s a road that I *have* to go down. I’m in the prime of my life and yet I feel like an old woman and if I feel this bad NOW – how the heck will I feel 10 years from now!? The thought frightens me.
Anyway, anyone daring enough or just plain bored enough to read my daily posts about what I encounter, my successes, failures and everything in between – stay tuned and take a walk down this road with me.