Okay, so I took a break and it turned out to be a failure. I gained 7 pounds, I stopped going to the gym….that I am still paying for. I passed my summer classes with A’s though, so there is something to be said for stress I guess. I got into the nursing program after all so I know if I do not get started on it now, I will never do it. My whole schedule is changing, no my whole life. I am till working M,W,F but now I have to change my hours from 8-4 to 9-2:30 because the other two triplets are starting pre-K this fall. Then I have nursing school M& W nights until 11pm. So I will not be home to cook dinner those nights, or eat it; plus I will only see my boys when I take them to and from school on those days, but I will not see my daughter at all.
I have let food take over my life. It dictates who I am and how happy I am. I feel as though I will die if I can not have something I am craving. I always thought I was a planner, an organizer, but truly I am spontaneous. I would throw everything I have worked for away on a whim. If I want that Chinese buffet I will make any excuse, I will convince myself it is just one time and it cant hurt. Even though I am probably taking in 3 days worth of calories in one sitting, I don’t care. What is wrong with me? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I try and destroy all my dreams for my future over and over again?
The title of my blog is “The Girl Who Ate Angie”, to me it is how I feel, but it is not very accurate. It leads people to believe I was once skinny…..and I assure you I was not, unless you count the toddler years. I do believe that people have things in their lives that happen and contribute to weight gain. In my case I have several demons that haunted me throughout childhood and I truly believe they made me hate myself and food was my only comfort, the only friend that never abandoned me. It was the one thing I could not push out of my life because I had to have it, and it loved me as much as I loved it……I have the fat rolls to prove it was just as attached to me as I was to it.
I often think about what keeps me like this, and I know it is fear. Fear that if I loose weight, I might not be happier, I might not have anything more than I have now. I have a lot if you count family, and I have made a real success of my school and work. But I have only one friend, and she is more like a sister than a friend. I long for a group of girl friends to have fun with. I have always had a hard time really getting to know people, I am different. I am the fat girl that jokes about her flaws….that makes people uncomfortable. I am the blunt girl that says what she is thinking…..and people take it the wrong way. I am the assertive leader, that doesn’t have the confidence to lead. I am the shy girl that is always lonely.
Being fat has its benefits….I am rarely cold in the winter because I am insulated. The summer is a different story though. I could live longer than most people if the world ended and there was no food, lol. No seriously; I am starting over…..for the last time!!! I feel like a girl in this huge shell that can not get free. I am smothering the happiness out of my life and I am not this person. I am someone who loves to be active, but finds it difficult because I am fat. I am starting again for me and I am going to say what I think I need to hear. I have motivation, but I need support. I hope I can make this work this time. (sigh)