The Girl Who Ate Angie

My whole life I have been scared to death of that one word.  There is not really anything I am afraid of except that.  I have let it rule my life and my dreams for as long as I can remember.  I give up or never start things because I am afraid “what if”?

What if what?  What if I fail?  What if I disappoint people?

Well aren’t they just as disappointed if they know I can do something but refuse to try?

What if I don’t try, that is just as bad as failing isn’t it?

Is there really a such thing as failure if you never stop trying?

One more time, and this time I will say it is just for me!

This time I will have confidence in my abilities!

This time I will not quit until I reach my goal!

I have gotten some comments on the blog I posted about Autism and Joy in particular touched me.  I do not claim to be an expert and there are people out there who have been through hoops to get their kids diagnosed.  There are parents that have children who live with severe Autism.  My story is one of hope and I wanted to tell it in hopes that it might help Joy and others like me.  I will probably be long and of course I am only writing it because I wanted people to know what it is like to deal with the unknown.  To have to face the truth that something is terribly not right, but you do not know what to do.

My boys are triplets and were 9 weeks early.  I tried 9 years to have kids and two miscarriages later I was blessed with my boys,  I had a hard pregnancy and was on bed rest for 10 weeks before they were taken early because Ethan was not thriving.
Matthew seemed fine as a baby.  I noticed that he had low muscle tone and was real loose and floppy.  He was the first to roll over and the first to crawl (well sort of).  He army crawled and as the others learned to do it on their hands and knees, he never could.  Those were the last things he ever did first. They began to sit up without props, but NOT Matthew (he could not seem to hold himself up).  They began to pull up on furniture and hold on about 10 months old, but Matthew was just starting to sit up unsupported.  They all said words like (bye bye, momma, dada, bite bite).  At 12 months they were walking along the furniture but NOT Matthew.  At this point I was getting worried and EVERY doctor told me that they looked at them by there corrected age (subtract how premature they are until age 2).  Matthew was a little behind for a 10month old….at 12 months old.  At 14 months Jacob and Ethan let go and started walking….Matthew was not even pulling up on the furniture, something the other 2 started 4 months before.  The doctor humored me and asked a physical therapist to look at him.  She said he was delayed BUT because he was born 2 months early there is room for this to correct itself.  The child who had never crawled on his hands and knees DID that day for her.  One time, just to make me out to be a paranoid nutcase.  She said at the beginning of October, “If he is not walking by Halloween call me”.  One week later he pulled up on the furniture and a few days before Halloween he let go and walked. SIGH….RELIEF…..JOY!!!!!! I WAS over reacting after all. Or was I?

For a brief moment in time I was happy and the world was right.  I had become so aware of everything Matthew did or did not do that everything was a comparison now.  If Jacob and Ethan did something Matthew was about 2 months behind them.  Other things started to creep up though.  He never slept great but now he was waking up at night and banging his head into the baby bed while humming.  I mean hard, like someone was banging on your front door with their fists.  All night long I was up and down, at least 5 times from midnight to 7am.  I would talk to him, change his diaper, and put him down and within 45 min he was doing it again.  While all of this was going on I noticed that he stopped talking, the more I noticed Ethan picking up on words the more I realized Matthew had stopped saying anything.  He would cry, throw fits and hit his head on the floor or a wall, and I did not know what he wanted.  He could not tell me and I went through a process of elimination every time he did that.  I would check his diaper, get him some water, a snack….anything I could think of until he found what he wanted and stopped.  I noticed he would not eat any foods that were textured(chicken if it was stringy, rice, oatmeal, anything what was not smooth, or anything that was sour or tart).  He was scared of the mixer and hair dryer ( he literally went screaming in the other direction and the sound of any loud noise, Into a corner and covered his face and ears and just cried).  He looked like no child I ever saw, he had real fear on his face.  He liked cars and would lay on the floor and watch the wheels as he rolled them in front of his face…..for hours.  He did not respond to his name and would not look at you unless you held his face to yours and forced him to look in your eyes.  All or this was taking shape from 12 months to 17 months.  I noticed a lot of things started at about 16 months, the month after he started walking.

At 19 months I changed doctors, and the first visit he did not say “He has a corrected age of 2 months, he is fine”.  He listened and when I told him I thought he was Autistic he did not flinch, nor did he say he wasn’t, nor did he encourage me in the idea.  He said to me, at this age it is very hard to ACCURATELY diagnose a child, but he has to have language.  He ordered speech and occupational therapy for him.  He told me to contact TEIS, which is Tennessee’s state run early intervention program.  I thought finally I will figure out what is wrong with him and get some help.  That was in February, by May I was still playing tag with the case worker and by July I was real pissed off.  He had evaluations by the therapists in June and they were bad.  At 23 months I was told my son had the occupational skills of a 12 month old and the speech of a 10 month old.  His hearing was fine, perfect, better than an adult, hence the loud noises bothered him.  OMG I cried and cried.  He was a year or more behind and every day counted, but no one was doing anything.  Six weeks or so after that evaluation I received a call from one of the therapists that evaluated him.  She said we have sent the evaluation and I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing we can do unless the case worker refers him.  I was furious.  I had been waiting on her, she would not return my calls, when she did it was always excuses about paper work and junk.  I called her supervisor and was not pleased with her either.  I told her I wanted that woman off my case and within 2 days another worker contacted me.  She had his therapy started the next week.  I went 2 times a week for 1 hour a day for integrated speech and occupational therapy from August to December of 2007.  They were wonderful with him, and some days he participated and some he would not, but they were wonderful.

I remember other things about Matthew as well and this is a good place to talk about them.  Matthew is a stubborn kid.  Half of the time you would think he CAN’T do something and then the rest of the time he just WOULDN’T do something.  I would tell him not to do something and he would look at me out of the corner of his eyes, smile and slowly reach to do whatever I said NOT to do.  Them, quickly he would do it and laugh or take off running.  The one Autistic characteristic Matthew never has seemed to have is unloving,  he loves to be cuddled and loves to be the center of attention.  He has always been happy, almost too happy.  Everything is a game to him, NOTHING is ever serious.  It is almost like he is missing a part of his brain that tells him things are inappropriate.  He is loud and animated most of the time and if you want to hold his attention you have to be animated and silly, then he gets to laughing so hard he still is not paying attention half the time.  Matthew is sweet and caring and good to his little sister most days.  He is selfish too though, he will not share and we went through a long phase of biting, hitting, and kicking (every time he did not get his way).  Everyday he surprises me, he is always different, Moody or happy, to never know what you will get.

In December of 2007 I learned that Matthew had gotten a spot in Signal Centers, a school for special needs.  I was so happy.  He would get therapy there and it was worked in with his play and learning.  He would be around some other kids.  Some things I had trouble with were, it was only 2 days a week, from 8 to 12.  I thought how will that help him, he should be there more.  The families were low income (as was I, but still it is hard to not be able to afford private care).  The neighborhood was not great.  He had never been taken and left before without me.  I worked but my mom comes here to watch them so his routine was never interrupted.  I was so scared to leave him, because his behavior had gotten so bad.  Therapy had done some good but not much,  He still did not say 3 words maybe and the tantrums were just as bad.  We were not able to go out to a store or a restaurant without something setting him off.

I would have done anything to help him at this point so I put him in the spot and it turned out that I could pay a small fee and the would keep him until 3pm under their aftercare program.  He stayed in his class and took a nap, they fed him (when he would eat) and I picked him up at 3.  He loved it, he did not immediately start getting better, but he made social progress before any speech.  He finished out the 2007/2008 year there and had a few days of summer program with them.  The new school year started and he went to a head start type class with other kids with disabilities.  At 3 he was allowed to go full time, BUT this meant I had to put my 3 year old on a school bus.  I hated it, but he loved it.  It has worked out well, because between work and school I could not get him there and pick him up every day.  When he started this year, he said maybe 6 words, spontaneously.  Matthew’s attention has gotten much better, his language is taking off, and he is closer to the other 2 in motor skills now. Some days he is like a light switch.  Most kids practice things until the master them, but Matthew watches people and one day he does something for the first time and it is almost perfect.  I will never forget the day he ran up to me and said “Mommy” the first time.  it was just about 4 months ago when he was 3 1/2.  I had not heard it since he was about 11 months old, and truthfully never thought I would hear it again.

In 18 months my son has went from 3 words to a fully functioning child.  He still lays in the floor and rolls cars in front of his face, he still does some inappropriate things, he still throws fits(but not nearly as bad as when he had no speech), He is ever unpredictable, and our lives revolve around his some days instead of EVERY day now.  I wanted HELP for Matthew, I thought a diagnosis would get me that.  He has never been OFFICIALLY diagnosed, and as long as he is getting the help he needs it is not important to me.  I believe he is Autistic, I believe he has OCD and ADHD as well.  I think I am one of the lucky few that for what ever reason is seeing progress.  I think Matthew must have a mild case or I got him help early enough.  I am aware that there are people who do not believe you can “recover” from autism, and I am not out to debate anyone on the topic.  I believe there are varying degrees and I thank GOD everyday for the progress Matthew has made.  The school thinks he may be ready for kindergarten on time and that is my hope.

I hope by telling a small bit of what my experience has been it will help somebody understand or even find comfort in knowing someone else that has dealt with the uncertainty.  Thank you for reading and to learn more about Autism and spectrum disorders check out the links below.  They are some places I have found info and might help with information or services in your area.

Signal Centers

What is Autism?

Autism Speaks

Autism Society of America

MSNBC Early intervention

Everyday is a struggle to understand Matthew, everyday is unpredictable.  There was a time when I felt he would never be “normal” and function as you or I.  Today I have hope!!!  My son has not been officially diagnosed, because for some reason people are reluctant to label children who suffer with symptoms of Autism.  Matthew has made great strides and may very well be “normal” one day.  At the moment we are in limbo.  My son is in early intervention and has wonderful therapists, but that was not always the case and I want people to understand what it is like to not know who your child is or how to help him.

As of now Matthew is being treated for a “developmental delay” the only label on him at the moment.  As a mother I know it is more and I hope it will fade away with time and early intervention, but I am a realist and that may not happen.  My child IS on the Autism spectrum.  Where we are not sure.  Mild to moderate with maybe OCD, and ADD.  I am writing this blog to raise awareness about Autism and I want to share an excerpt from my favorite book.  I cried as I read this book because it was as if Matthew himself was writing it to me.

Please make a donation this month to a national Autism charity to fund research to fight Autism.

This is my favorite Autism site AUTISM SPEAKS

Thank you so much for reading this blog!!

Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew

By Ellen Notbohm

Some days it seems the only predictable thing about it is the unpredictability. The only consistent attribute — the inconsistency. There is little argument on any level but that autism is baffling, even to those who spend their lives around it. The child who lives with autism may look “normal” but his behavior can be perplexing and downright difficult.

Autism was once thought an “incurable” disorder, but that notion is crumbling in the face knowledge and understanding that is increasing even as you read this. Every day, individuals with autism are showing us that they can overcome, compensate for and otherwise manage many of autism’s most challenging characteristics. Equipping those around our children with simple understanding of autism’s most basic elements has a tremendous impact on their ability to journey towards productive, independent adulthood.

Autism is an extremely complex disorder but for purposes of this one article, we can distill its myriad characteristics into four fundamental areas: sensory processing challenges, speech/language delays and impairments, the elusive social interaction skills and whole child/self-esteem issues. And though these four elements may be common to many children, keep front-of-mind the fact that autism is a spectrum disorder: no two (or ten or twenty) children with autism will be completely alike. Every child will be at a different point on the spectrum. And, just as importantly – every parent, teacher and caregiver will be at a different point on the spectrum. Child or adult, each will have a unique set of needs.

Here are ten things every child with autism wishes you knew:

1.) I am first and foremost a child. My autism is only one aspect of my total character. It does not define me as a person. Are you a person with thoughts, feelings and many talents, or are you just fat (overweight), myopic (wear glasses) or klutzy (uncoordinated, not good at sports)? Those may be things that I see first when I meet you, but they are not necessarily what you are all about.

As an adult, you have some control over how you define yourself. If you want to single out a single characteristic, you can make that known. As a child, I am still unfolding. Neither you nor I yet know what I may be capable of. Defining me by one characteristic runs the danger of setting up an expectation that may be too low. And if I get a sense that you don’t think I “can do it,” my natural response will be: Why try?

2.) My sensory perceptions are disordered. Sensory integration may be the most difficult aspect of autism to understand, but it is arguably the most critical. It his means that the ordinary sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches of everyday that you may not even notice can be downright painful for me. The very environment in which I have to live often seems hostile. I may appear withdrawn or belligerent to you but I am really just trying to defend myself. Here is why a “simple” trip to the grocery store may be hell for me:

My hearing may be hyper-acute. Dozens of people are talking at once. The loudspeaker booms today’s special. Musak whines from the sound system. Cash registers beep and cough, a coffee grinder is chugging. The meat cutter screeches, babies wail, carts creak, the fluorescent lighting hums. My brain can’t filter all the input and I’m in overload!

My sense of smell may be highly sensitive. The fish at the meat counter isn’t quite fresh, the guy standing next to us hasn’t showered today, the deli is handing out sausage samples, the baby in line ahead of us has a poopy diaper, they’re mopping up pickles on aisle 3 with ammonia….I can’t sort it all out. I am dangerously nauseated.

Because I am visually oriented (see more on this below), this may be my first sense to become overstimulated. The fluorescent light is not only too bright, it buzzes and hums. The room seems to pulsate and it hurts my eyes. The pulsating light bounces off everything and distorts what I am seeing — the space seems to be constantly changing. There’s glare from windows, too many items for me to be able to focus (I may compensate with “tunnel vision”), moving fans on the ceiling, so many bodies in constant motion. All this affects my vestibular and proprioceptive senses, and now I can’t even tell where my body is in space.

3.) Please remember to distinguish between won’t (I choose not to) and can’t (I am not able to). Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges for me. It isn’t that I don’t listen to instructions. It’s that I can’t understand you. When you call to me from across the room, this is what I hear: “*&^%$#@, Billy. #$%^*&^%$&*………” Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words: “Please put your book in your desk, Billy. It’s time to go to lunch.” This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next. Now it is much easier for me to comply.

4.) I am a concrete thinker. This means I interpret language very literally. It’s very confusing for me when you say, “Hold your horses, cowboy!” when what you really mean is “Please stop running.” Don’t tell me something is a “piece of cake” when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is “this will be easy for you to do.” When you say “Jamie really burned up the track,” I see a kid playing with matches. Please just tell me “Jamie ran very fast.”

Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres, inference, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost on me.

5.) Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It’s hard for me to tell you what I need when I don’t know the words to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express. Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.

Or, there’s a flip side to this: I may sound like a “little professor” or movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age. These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits because I know I am expected to respond when spoken to. They may come from books, TV, the speech of other people. It is called “echolalia.” I don’t necessarily understand the context or the terminology I’m using. I just know that it gets me off the hook for coming up with a reply.

6.) Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented. Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me. And please be prepared to show me many times. Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.

A visual schedule is extremely helpful as I move through my day. Like your day-timer, it relieves me of the stress of having to remember what comes next, makes for smooth transition between activities, helps me manage my time and meet your expectations.

I won’t lose the need for a visual schedule as I get older, but my “level of representation” may change. Before I can read, I need a visual schedule with photographs or simple drawings. As I get older, a combination of words and pictures may work, and later still, just words.

7.) Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Like any other human, I can’t learn in an environment where I’m constantly made to feel that I’m not good enough and that I need “fixing.” Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however “constructive,” becomes something to be avoided. Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one “right” way to do most things.

8.) Please help me with social interactions. It may look like I don’t want to play with the other kids on the playground, but sometimes it’s just that I simply do not know how to start a conversation or enter a play situation. If you can encourage other children to invite me to join them at kickball or shooting baskets, it may be that I’m delighted to be included.

I do best in structured play activities that have a clear beginning and end. I don’t know how to “read” facial expressions, body language or the emotions of others, so I appreciate ongoing coaching in proper social responses. For example, if I laugh when Emily falls off the slide, it’s not that I think it’s funny. It’s that I don’t know the proper response. Teach me to say “Are you OK?”

9.) Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns. Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you. They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload. If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented. Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities. A pattern may emerge.

Try to remember that all behavior is a form of communication. It tells you, when my words cannot, how I perceive something that is happening in my environment.

Parents, keep in mind as well: persistent behavior may have an underlying medical cause. Food allergies and sensitivities, sleep disorders and gastrointestinal problems can all have profound effects on behavior.

10.) Love me unconditionally. Banish thoughts like, “If he would just……” and “Why can’t she…..” You did not fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn’t like being constantly reminded of it. I did not choose to have autism. But remember that it is happening to me, not you. Without your support, my chances of successful, self-reliant adulthood are slim. With your support and guidance, the possibilities are broader than you might think. I promise you — I am worth it.

And finally, three words: Patience. Patience. Patience. Work to view my autism as a different ability rather than a disability. Look past what you may see as limitations and see the gifts autism has given me. It may be true that I’m not good at eye contact or conversation, but have you noticed that I don’t lie, cheat at games, tattle on my classmates or pass judgment on other people? Also true that I probably won’t be the next Michael Jordan. But with my attention to fine detail and capacity for extraordinary focus, I might be the next Einstein. Or Mozart. Or Van Gogh.

They may have had autism too.

The answer to Alzheimer’s, the enigma of extraterrestrial life — what future achievements from today’s children with autism, children like me, lie ahead?

All that I might become won’t happen without you as my foundation. Be my advocate, be my friend, and we’ll see just how far I can go.

© 2005 Ellen Notbohm.To contact Ellen or explore her work, please visit http://www.ellennotbohm.com.

Stress makes me eat… I don’t know if I remembered to post of not about my WI last Friday.  I was down 5 pounds but I have not lost anything else this week and I think I might have gained a pound or 2.  I did have some good news though….I was talking to my advisor about what I needed to do to raise my points for the nursing program and in passing she mentioned some thing about me applying for the day program…..hmmmm…I did not apply for the day program (which was more competitive).  I went to the lady who does the applications and she had mistakenly put me down for the day program.  The night program accepted 47, set up 3 alternate spots, and denied 48 people.  When she changed her mistake it put me in the #2 alternate spot…..So now I just need 2 people to drop out, not meet their class requirements, or get accepted somewhere else and I am in.  I almost did not go and talk to her because I am so back and forth on it.  But I was so excited that it just shows how bad I really wanted to get in.  Picture this fat girl jumping up and down in the hall outside of her A&P II lab, hugging all over her best friend.  I am sure I looked like a blooming idiot.  We will see what happens though, I need two people to lose or drop their spot before fall.  I hate to have to hope for that but I am.

Anyway I am not doing so well this week.  With the stress and the worrying I have not been eating well and I even opted out of walking this morning.  I have to do better I know but I don’t know how to make myself plan better.  I have good intentions and then I gradually stop doing it.  Jason is no help, he just wants me to forget about the whole thing.  I haven’t been on the forum in the last week too though and that helps me I think, so i need to read some posts and get back on track.

I had to leave work today and get Matthew from school and take him to the doctor.  They called me at work because he has pink eye…..I have never seen or had pink eye, and so I am hoping the antibiotic works before he spreads it to the other 3 kids.  Of course that is just another day of running around and then he sat on my lap all day so I could not get anything done around here.  That is okay though he is usually so caught up in everything else he does not want to sit and cuddle much.

So they went to bed tonight and I ran out to buy stuff for their Easter baskets….I bought almost no candy, yay.  The things I did buy are just enough for each child and nothing I like anyway.  So that is one candied holiday out of the way.  I guess I am going to cook a small Easter dinner and we are not having a big crowd so my goal is to only cook what we need and eat less than I want, lol.  I am going to do better tomorrow and maybe I will at least be the same as last week by the time I WI on Friday.

Have you ever been torn between happiness and disappointment?  That is how I have felt lately.  First let me say I had the best surprise Saturday morning that I have had in …hummm… I don’t know when.  Matthew went to bed in underwear and woke up in DRY underwear, yay.  He is the last of the boys to be completely potty trained.  He has been dry for 3 mornings now so I hope it is going to stick.  I was waiting for him to start waking up with a dry diaper like Ethan and Jacob did, but Matthew has to be different.  He has been begging to wear underwear to bed for over a week now so I let him this weekend.  I was so excited, it is a big step for him.

On the other hand Saturday night was not so good.  My friend called and asked if I checked the mail, and of course it was 7pm and I had forgotten.  I knew immediately why she was asking and the dread loomed over me.  Jason went out to get it and gave me the letter.  I asked her if she got in and she said yes, in the back of my mind I thought there is a chance but honestly I did not expect to get in.  I opened the letter and skimmed over the top, It said we are sorry but your application for the nursing program was denied.  Sigh…. I worked hard and I am an A/B student, I worked full time, and I had 4 kids, a husband, and a house to take care of and I missed the points requirement by .02.  Two tenths of a percent, I can’t frickin believe it.

Okay so here it is….. I wanted in, I think.  I mean I worked hard but I did not want the night program and that is all I had the points for.  I did not want to go through the program with my friend because I am better on my own than with someone.  We have had classes together and I felt like I was trying to help her and not focusing on me.  My problem is that the entrance test is standardized, and I have not got above a 66 the three times I have taken it.  I have some issues with anxiety, go figure.  Anyway, I was relieved in a way but disappointed in another.  I feel like I have wasted the last 2 years and all for nothing.  I have 3 B’s and now I have to retake those 3 classes and bring them up to A’s.  If I do that and I can not do better the next time I take the entrance test, I will still have enough points to get in the day program.

I kind of feel like I need to take some time for myself and work on me for a while.  I just started trying to lose my weight and I don’t think I can handle the stress of the nursing program and stay on track with my weight.  Also, recently I have been working on getting my own business started.  I opened an Etsy shop and I am trying to get a web site going so I felt like I was really getting to do what I love.  Now I will have more time to get things going.  Ethan and Jacob will be going to pre K this fall also and that meant that 2 days a week I would not see them at all.  They would be in school and I would have to go to school before I saw them.  The day program next fall is definitely a better fit for me, so why do I feel like I let myself and my family down?  I feel guilty over being relieved, like wanting NOT to get in the program this year and work on my business and myself is selfish.  Then of course people pity you because you didn’t get in, but I can’t tell them I am okay with it because they think I am trying to be strong.

The truth is the things I want are simple, they just are not realistic with the situation I am in at this moment.  I want to be skinny, a normal weight.  I am tired of being fat and miserable, I am tired of being lazy and not wanting to do anything.  I want to create things and put my time into them, and I want people to buy them so I can get my kids out of this neighborhood and into a better school district.  I want to give them everything my mother could not afford to give me.  I want them to get a good education and I want them to have a good childhood full of memories that do not include mommy never being at home because she was always at work or school.

Blah blah blah, I am almost embarrassed to go on like this, because I know people actually read my blog.  It is kind of always about whatever random thoughts or problems I am dealing with though so maybe I should start doing a regular blog.  I haven’t been talking about my weight lately.  I walked 2 miles with some intermediate jogging mixed in this morning.  If nothing else I feel more focused on my weight loss since the denial letter came.  It is almost like I am trying to prove to myself that there are good reasons to not get in the program.  I think I am just fooling myself, when it is all said and done, I only have to face myself and I am disappointed in me for not getting in.

We all have choices to make everyday.  Why is it that some of them are so hard, and some are not.  I previously wrote in my goals that I was going to create a “CHEAT” day…..Ummm no I am NOT.  In a moment of weakness I was looking for an excuse to fail, to let myself down.  A few days later I am asking myself, “what the hell do you want to do that for?”  Obviously I was sitting here reading blogs and thinking about how well I have stayed on track, when I realized….This is my CHEAT day!!!!  Saturday, the day after weigh in, so I have 6 days to work it off before the next weigh in.  Okay so it is technically Sunday now by about 25 minuets and I did not eat anything bad, I actually had like 3 pts left tonight or something.  I had forgotten all about my “CHEAT” day because I had been doing so well and staying on track.

I used to forget that I was on a diet…..anyone else ever do that?  I would tell myself I was going to start a diet and the next morning I would get up, open a coke, eat a debbie cake(or something equally crazy) and it would dawn on me…..I was going to start my diet.  Oh well I’ll have to start tomorrow now, I have already ruined it.  NOW all of a sudden I am forgetting that I am supposed to be jumping off the diet for a day and eating crap!!!! LMAS This is an earth shattering day I will tell you.  NO coke craving, NO eating out craving, and NO cheat day.

Today I choose to not give up, to not give in, and to change my goal to make a cheat day.  I also chose to start my 100 push ups challenge.  I chose to start my 30DS video, and I chose to stop the DVD and back away from the TV,lol.  That woman is crazy, I have had the flu or something and I still can not feel my lungs.  I got to about the second jump rope part and that was it.  I felt like a elephant was on my chest.  I will have to try that in a few days when ALL of my chest congestion has cleared up.  Oh and after I buy weights, lol Jason laughed at me because I was using spaghetti sauce for weights.

It is funny now about the “CHEAT” day, because it was just my philosophy up until now.  This is really it for me. When I can look back and reflect on the things I thought I NEEDED and see that I NEED to be strong more; then I am on my way.  We all make choices everyday that we think are unimportant but they are what shape us into who we are.  I unconsciously chose to give myself an automatic excuse, built right in, no accountability.  But I made a conscious decision to correct my mistake.

What I hope too get across is that we need to think more about why we chose things.  If I had asked myself then, WHY do I need a cheat day?  I would have saw it for what it was then, but to me it was just an automatic add into my plan.  I have always given up and that was a way to not have to be faithful to my program.  That was my built in EXCUSE.  I do not need to cheat because THIS IS DOABLE.  I do not need to cheat because it just puts me that much farther away from my goals.  We all have choices to make and today I chose to be true to my plan!!!

Walked 2 miles

Drank 60 oz water

Stayed within points

I finally started my exercising today.  I went before work and walked 2 miles in the cold wind.  I was sick with some sort of cold bug already so I hope it does not get worse.  I always feel so good as I am walking and so proud.  So why is it that I can’t seem to make myself get up and go?  I am not scheduled to go tomorrow but I am off work and Jason is too so he can watch the kids for a while and I can get another 2 miles in.  It will make up for not doing it on Monday this week.  My goal for the year is to walk 800 miles so I need to get every little mile in.

I joined the New Year, New Me Challenge and the first mini challenge is NO WEIGH IN for 6 weeks.  I hope this will make me stronger but I am scared it will cause me to eat out of control.  I got on the scale this morning and it said 237.2 so I am starting to lose and that is what made me work extra hard on my points.  My goal of being down 10% was going to be on my birthday Feb 10 but this challenge lasts until feb 14 so I am moving it till then.  My first weigh in will tell me if I reached my goal or not, scarry.  Jason is going to record my weight each week, without me looking at the scale, and tell me which one of us won our weekly deal to sleep late.  I am excited about this challenge because I have a problem with impulse control and this is like the first step to helping me learn some control. My plan is to eat right and go by my exercise plan I posted.  My main goals I am working on right now are NO COKES and NO EATING OUT.

I actually made it through the holidays without gaining anything.  I only lossed .2 but I did NOT gain so that is great.  I ate out, I ate sweets, I drank Cokes…..it was shameful.  I weighed in today and I was -.2 so I was releved.  I saw something on the boards that made my day.  I was tiring to find a really good workout video and I found out that my on demand from Comcast has an exercise channel and it has Jillian’s video and many more for free.  This is great because I can try it out before I buy one.  I think I need to do something at home, because it is easier to commit to than outdoor exercises.  Between the rain and the cold I am known for bailing out on it.

I joined two new challenges and I am going to work on them. One is the #5 challenge.  This is great for me because I will get a pat on the back from everyone for losing what seems to be a insignificant amount usually.  I think it will really motivate me to set mini goals.  The other one is the 2009 New years goals challenge.  I set some goals and I am going to post them here and mark them off as I hit them.  I did a new before pic for this challenge and it will give me something to focus on.

I hate pictures of me.  The kids enjoyed Christmas and actually sat still for some pics

Anyway my goals are pretty big but manageable if I just make myself be faithful.

WEIGHT (SW)240….GOAL 150…..#90 LOSS
SIZE 22……..GOAL 10
MONEY…LOL…IN DEBT……..GOAL…..DEBT FREE(EXCEPT MORTGAGE)
NUTRITION…..STAY WITHIN MY WW POINTS EVERY DAY
ORGANIZATION…..THROW OUT THE OLD, AND DON’T BUY MORE, AND IT WOULD BE NICE TO PLAN MEALS, EXERCISE, AND GROCERY SHOPPING MORE EFFICIENTLY.
PERSONAL…GET ACCEPTED INTO THE NURSING PROGRAM THIS YEAR AND …BLOG, BLOG,AND BLOG SOME MORE IT KEEPS ME IN CHECK EVEN IF NO ONE READS IT.
WATER…..STOP DRINKING COKE ALL TOGETHER AND DRINK AT LEAST 60 OZ OF WATER A DAY
EXERCISE…JUST DO IT….AT LEAST 5 DAYS A WEEK.

Well it was 15 degrees this morning, I got up and made me a bowl of cereal.  As I sat in the dark wondering what the hell I had been thinking when I, number one decided to walk in 15 degrees and number two…..It wasn’t even daylight yet.  So being the genius I am, walking around a secluded track in the dark, while freezing to death all of a sudden did not seem like a good idea.  Well that is what my mother pointed out to me at 6:45 this morning when she called to ask me if I was sure I had really thought the idea through completely….lol.  I have to say that I did not put up a very hard fight.

I went back to work today after a week vacation and I was glad to see her. I missed her and we picked at each other all day.  She is like a grandmother to me but a feisty one.  I stayed within my points but I wanted to eat more. Food is my friend, my comfort, my cure for boredom, and my enemy.  If you think about all the people you see on these sites…..and out of those think of all the ones who have 100+ to lose like me.  Food really can destroy a persons life.  Even when I am not dieting, I am thinking about how fat I am, how it would be great if it was as simple as cutting it off with a knife.  Food tastes great to me, I only eat the things I like and there are a lot of things I do not like, yet I am still fat. Then there are people who never have to worry about a fat gram, a calorie, a WW point, and are rail thin.  Is there really a big difference in them and us?  Advertisers should not be allowed to push  900 calorie hamburgers on food junkies just like drug dealers shouldn’t push crack on a drug addict.  900 calories is in a double whopper from Burger King and the average woman is expected to eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day  that is outrageous.

The thing is, I know the rules.  I know I should drink a lot of water for faster digestion.  Eat whole grains to feel full longer.  Have fruits and veggies around for snacks.  Stop eating when I am satisfied and NOT when I am FULL.  But I literally can here me saying to myself, oh well who cares if I am fat.  I care damn it.  Of course I only care when it is not something that I haven’t had in a while that is really good.  I have a passion to do better but not the determination to do so.  When you have 110 pounds to lose it is easy to feel like it is not possible and there for I tend to give up before I fail.

Tomorrow I am having a sugar test to see if I am diabetic.  I hope not because I do not need another problem to add to the trouble I already have taking care of myself.

Food is evil …….I have had no coke today…….and I did not walk. Tomorrow brings a new day and a new chance at redemption.