Happy & Sad April 6, 2009
Have you ever been torn between happiness and disappointment? That is how I have felt lately. First let me say I had the best surprise Saturday morning that I have had in …hummm… I don’t know when. Matthew went to bed in underwear and woke up in DRY underwear, yay. He is the last of the boys to be completely potty trained. He has been dry for 3 mornings now so I hope it is going to stick. I was waiting for him to start waking up with a dry diaper like Ethan and Jacob did, but Matthew has to be different. He has been begging to wear underwear to bed for over a week now so I let him this weekend. I was so excited, it is a big step for him.
On the other hand Saturday night was not so good. My friend called and asked if I checked the mail, and of course it was 7pm and I had forgotten. I knew immediately why she was asking and the dread loomed over me. Jason went out to get it and gave me the letter. I asked her if she got in and she said yes, in the back of my mind I thought there is a chance but honestly I did not expect to get in. I opened the letter and skimmed over the top, It said we are sorry but your application for the nursing program was denied. Sigh…. I worked hard and I am an A/B student, I worked full time, and I had 4 kids, a husband, and a house to take care of and I missed the points requirement by .02. Two tenths of a percent, I can’t frickin believe it.
Okay so here it is….. I wanted in, I think. I mean I worked hard but I did not want the night program and that is all I had the points for. I did not want to go through the program with my friend because I am better on my own than with someone. We have had classes together and I felt like I was trying to help her and not focusing on me. My problem is that the entrance test is standardized, and I have not got above a 66 the three times I have taken it. I have some issues with anxiety, go figure. Anyway, I was relieved in a way but disappointed in another. I feel like I have wasted the last 2 years and all for nothing. I have 3 B’s and now I have to retake those 3 classes and bring them up to A’s. If I do that and I can not do better the next time I take the entrance test, I will still have enough points to get in the day program.
I kind of feel like I need to take some time for myself and work on me for a while. I just started trying to lose my weight and I don’t think I can handle the stress of the nursing program and stay on track with my weight. Also, recently I have been working on getting my own business started. I opened an Etsy shop and I am trying to get a web site going so I felt like I was really getting to do what I love. Now I will have more time to get things going. Ethan and Jacob will be going to pre K this fall also and that meant that 2 days a week I would not see them at all. They would be in school and I would have to go to school before I saw them. The day program next fall is definitely a better fit for me, so why do I feel like I let myself and my family down? I feel guilty over being relieved, like wanting NOT to get in the program this year and work on my business and myself is selfish. Then of course people pity you because you didn’t get in, but I can’t tell them I am okay with it because they think I am trying to be strong.
The truth is the things I want are simple, they just are not realistic with the situation I am in at this moment. I want to be skinny, a normal weight. I am tired of being fat and miserable, I am tired of being lazy and not wanting to do anything. I want to create things and put my time into them, and I want people to buy them so I can get my kids out of this neighborhood and into a better school district. I want to give them everything my mother could not afford to give me. I want them to get a good education and I want them to have a good childhood full of memories that do not include mommy never being at home because she was always at work or school.
Blah blah blah, I am almost embarrassed to go on like this, because I know people actually read my blog. It is kind of always about whatever random thoughts or problems I am dealing with though so maybe I should start doing a regular blog. I haven’t been talking about my weight lately. I walked 2 miles with some intermediate jogging mixed in this morning. If nothing else I feel more focused on my weight loss since the denial letter came. It is almost like I am trying to prove to myself that there are good reasons to not get in the program. I think I am just fooling myself, when it is all said and done, I only have to face myself and I am disappointed in me for not getting in.