The Girl Who Ate Angie

It has been almost a year since I started this blog……I am 8 pounds heavier, 10 times more stressed, I have half the time I started with, and I have no idea where to start!!!!!!

I am FAT……I am UNHEALTHY, I am MISERABLE, I am UNHAPPY!!!!

As a child I was fat, I had no friends: not because I was fat…..But because I was insecure.  No one liked me unless they really got to know me.  I was the first to make a fat joke.  I was the one to say what everyone thought.  I made people laugh….. but I also made them uncomfortable.  I still do that today.  I am now in nursing school with 46 other people and the only friend I have is the one I have been friends with since the 4th grade.

I noticed today that people avoid me .  Well it is not like I did not know it. But I didn’t want to think about it.  My husband told me once it was because I was pushy, my best friend told me it was because I was cold.  I guess I am both of those things, but you know I am also the best friend a person can have.  I really care about the people I get close to and I will sacrifice myself for their happiness.

The only thing is no one gets me. I am not happy with me and it has nothing to do with my weight.  My weight is a product of my unhappiness.  I am a social cluts and I am stumbling through life knocking people down.  Food is my friend……How Pathetic!!

Today I decided to do myself a favor and focus on me.  I am tired of trying to make friends and falling all over myself to get people to like me.  One year later I am nowhere.  I am still unhappy, I am still out of control, I am still in bad health.  I am going to start with a clean slate and devise a NEW strategy.

I am going to watch what I eat, find anyway to move, and take one day at a time.  I am not setting any goals except %.  I am not putting a time limit to my goals because if I don’t meet them I just quit all together.

Concider this my before picture.

My whole life I have been scared to death of that one word.  There is not really anything I am afraid of except that.  I have let it rule my life and my dreams for as long as I can remember.  I give up or never start things because I am afraid “what if”?

What if what?  What if I fail?  What if I disappoint people?

Well aren’t they just as disappointed if they know I can do something but refuse to try?

What if I don’t try, that is just as bad as failing isn’t it?

Is there really a such thing as failure if you never stop trying?

One more time, and this time I will say it is just for me!

This time I will have confidence in my abilities!

This time I will not quit until I reach my goal!

Okay, so I took a break and it turned out to be a failure.  I gained 7 pounds, I stopped going to the gym….that I am still paying for.  I passed my summer classes with A’s though, so there is something to be said for stress I guess.  I got into the nursing program after all so I know if I do not get started on it now, I will never do it.  My whole schedule is changing, no my whole life.  I am till working M,W,F but now I have to change my hours from 8-4 to 9-2:30 because the other two triplets are starting pre-K this fall.  Then I have nursing school M& W nights until 11pm.  So I will not be home to cook dinner those nights, or eat it; plus I will only see my boys when I take them to and from school on those days, but I will not see my daughter at all.

I have let food take over my life.  It dictates who I am and how happy I am.  I feel as though I will die if I can not have something I am craving.  I always thought I was a planner, an organizer, but truly I am spontaneous.  I would throw everything I have worked for away on a whim.  If I want that Chinese buffet I will make any excuse, I will convince myself it is just one time and it cant hurt.  Even though I am probably taking in 3 days worth of calories in one sitting, I don’t care.  What is wrong with me?  Why do I hate myself so much?  Why do I try and destroy all my dreams for my future over and over again?

The title of my blog is “The Girl Who Ate Angie”, to me it is how I feel, but it is not very accurate.  It leads people to believe I was once skinny…..and I assure you I was not, unless you count the toddler years.  I do believe that people have things in their lives that happen and contribute to weight gain.  In my case I have several demons that haunted me throughout childhood and I truly believe they made me hate myself and food was my only comfort, the only friend that never abandoned me.  It was the one thing I could not push out of my life because I had to have it, and it loved me as much as I loved it……I have the fat rolls to prove it was just as attached to me as I was to it.

I often think about what keeps me like this, and I know it is fear.  Fear that if I loose weight, I might not be happier, I might not have anything more than I have now.  I have a lot if you count family, and I have made a real success of my school and work.  But I have only one friend, and she is more like a sister than a friend.  I long for a group of girl friends to have fun with.  I have always had a hard time really getting to know people, I am different.  I am the fat girl that jokes about her flaws….that makes people uncomfortable.  I am the blunt girl that says what she is thinking…..and people take it the wrong way.  I am the assertive leader, that doesn’t have the confidence to lead.  I am the shy girl that is always lonely.

Being fat has its benefits….I am rarely cold in the winter because I am insulated.  The summer is a different story though.   I could live longer than most people if the world ended and there was no food, lol.  No seriously; I am starting over…..for the last time!!!  I feel like a girl in this huge shell that can not get free.  I am smothering the happiness out of my life and I am not this person.  I am someone who loves to be active, but finds it difficult because I am fat.  I am starting again for me and I am going to say what I think I need to hear.  I have motivation, but I need support.  I hope I can make this work this time. (sigh)

I guess I needed a break from my blog.  It seemed boring and I was just complaining alot.  I fell off my wagon, have not been to the gym, but I got A’s in both of my classes and I did get into the RN program this fall.  So I have been moody, busy, and just plain too lazy to diet or blog.  I am up to 235 now and I am just about ready to start back, now that classes are over.  I really have to organize a schedule or something.

Anyway sorry I have been out.

Yesterday marked the end of week 6 on WW.  I was down -3.8 for a total weight of 228.3.  I finally broke out of the 230’s and I am headed down the right road.  I did not eat so well this weekend, but I have had worse weekends, so I won’t complain.  In the 6 weeks I have been on WW I have really only followed the plan 2 weeks.  I have to say it works if you count your points and write it down.

On another note, Father’s Day was wonderful.  We went to church for the second week in a row….there are miracles after all,lol.  The kids love it and Jason is conforming, even if he does not want to.  I feel like I belong at this church and I hope we join soon, but I am giving Jason a little more time to warm up to the idea.

Exercise…..went after WW Saturday morning.  Why do people say the sweat like a pig, I have never known a pig to sweat.  Even if they do…….a pig could not possibly sweat the way I did at the gym!!!  Seriously, I was pouring and I only did 10 min on the elliptical and 15 on the recumbent bike.  That little workout whooped my butt though.  I felt like I was going to die when I left that place.  My legs were like spagetti and I can say I do not think I have ever sweat like that before.  Although, being fat….I most likely avoid things that might cause sweating, but that is not the point.  I am going Tuesday morning, Thursday evening, and Saturday and Sunday if possible.

I have got the exercise thing down, now if I could stop eating out.  I tell you, this is a world of convenience and I like convenience.  What is a girl to do?  Next goal to work on is PLANNING!!!!

Yay me, I did join today and it is great.  They keep the kids for up to 2 hours, do fun stuff with them and they even have a 3 story indoor playground for them to play on.  We went through the tour and the kids cried when we left before they could play.  We stopped their to join on our way to the mall, but I let them play on the playground in the mall so they were okay.

I also did something else today that I am proud of……I did the whole 30DS on level 1, but still I had tried it before and could not do it.  I am ashamed to say that at the mall we ate Red Robin for dinner and my burger and fries were 30 points…..plus what I had for breakfast and lunch, I was over 11 points today.  I think I am going to meet my goal for my WI this week though, I was 228 this morning and I want to get to 227 by Saturday morning.  I am going to get up and do 30DS in the morning and hopefully go to the gym tomorrow night.

I have been so tired lately and so busy with school that I have not been able to keep up with my blog reading and the forum.  I seem to have become a lurker I guess.  Oh well I still get inspired even if I am not chiming in much.  I have to go read Hamlet now so see you later.

My mother made a peanut butter pie today…..I do not like peanut butter very much, so tell me why I have eaten 2 pieces already?  I did not track my points again today, and that is what is keeping me off plan.  My goal is to hit 229 this week, so I am going to bust my tail to get it done.  I really have some high goals and I love my WW meetings.  I have though about rewards for each mini goal I hit and i think I am going to list them on my progress chart.  I would like to get a pedicure, buy a bathing suit, and stuff like that.

We went to church this morning….something we do not ever do.  But now that I have kids, I feel like they need some sort of religious structure.  I grew up with a single mother who was Catholic but never went to church.  This gave me serious issues and doubts over the years.  I do not want my kids to struggle with their spirituality like I did.  Jason is so not happy with the idea but he is on board and for now i am satisfied with that.

Because we went to church and took the kids to see my boss afterwards, then to eat lunch (yes I ate out), I did not have time to go by the YMCA.  However I am going to do that on Tuesday if I can, I think I have to have Jason to do it because we get a discount on the joining fee because of where he works.  That means we would have to take the kids with us to sign up.

I have Comp II tomorrow night after work and we have to do an in-class essay.  We have 50 minutes to write about a topic that we don’t even know yet.  She will pick a topic on 2 short stories we were assigned for homework, this does not look good for me.  I have terrible test anxiety and it all revolves around being timed and the fear of not having enough.  I hope the meds my doctor put me on help, if not I might have to have her increase the dose.

Added to yesterday’s goals!!!

Hello peoples,  how has everyone been lately?  Joy, thank you for the kind words, I also found Autism for Dummies in a draw if you are interested I will send you that book also.

Okay I have a question for you all, I usually only see you on the blog so I wondered if and where you all post on the boards at 3FC?  Do you have a different user name on there?

So today I went to WW, and I had missed last week.  I was +.4, so I am 232.2.  I am going to stay on plan all week and try to get in the 220’s. I made a decision to join a gym today, I am going to sign up for a family membership at the YMCA.  They have free child care and a lot of programs I can get for free.  I really want to take classes like kickboxing or spin but I don’t know if they cost extra.

I got a new couch today and moved it in and the old one out so that was some exercise.  That sucker was heavy, it has double recliners and it was hard to get in and out of my van.

I slipped off my no coke thing about a week and a half ago and I am bloated, but I got them all out of the house now.  I am back to water, water, water…….I am going to sign up for the YMCA tomorrow and I have set my summer goals.

July 4th 217 (party) GET PEDICURE

August 15th 199 ONEderland!!! (trip to St. Augustine) BUY BATHING SUIT

October 31st 174.5 (Halloween pictures with the kids) BUY 5 NEW OUTFITS

January 1st 150 (Get surgical consult if needed)

Hi guys, it has been a few weeks since I posted, so I thought I would update.  I started my classes and I feel somewhat overwhelmed with essays.  I have Literature and Humanities this summer and because the summer session is shorter, they cram it all in.  I have not lost any more weight, and maybe gained a pound.  I skipped WW on Saturday and decided to scrap and paint some of our house.  I got so unbelievably burnt and haven’t felt good, but it is going away and I am starting to peel.

I started a challenge with DH last Friday.  he told me I could not go without eating out for 2 weeks.  If I loose I have to feed the dog for 2 weeks and if I win he has to lose 50 pounds.  Why do men not realize telling us we CAN’T do something makes us more determined.

I will try and post tonight if I get all of my reading done.

Okay ladies I have made a few commitments and you have to make me stick with them.  But first I got a hair cut and I love it.  My husband thinks it is too short but I think it is cute.  I wore it in a ponytail all the time and never fixed it.  This is my attempt to break that habit.  I might see if I can get a pic of it after I learn to fix it the way I want.

I have been bad, I don’t know how many times I have to come here and say this before I will stop doing it.  I ate out…sigh.  I feel terrible about it so I got off my butt and devised a plan.  I added a new page so I could track my daily goals.  I will check off each one when I do it.  I can not get a star today but I am still going to go to W8 Challenge and read comments and maybe think of something cleaver to add.

You know what would be nice?  If anyone lived close to me and I could have a diet buddy.  I like compitition and maybe in June I might have a chance to collect a bunch of stars if I can stick to this new exercise plan.

Joy: I am glad to see you are doing well, and I hope therapy is helping Ethan.  Thank you for all your encouragement and kind words.  It truly means the world to me.  I have never met you but I feel I have a bond with you and I hope everything you wish for with your son and your family is granted to you.

Eileen: Good for you, stadium seating is good exercise, if your the one going back and forth.  I am going to try and use my back steps some and see how that works for me.  At least no one will be laughing at me if I do it in the back yard.  I would never do it in the front!!!

Robin: Thank you for the comment, I bet we do have a lot in common.  I would email you but you did not leave your email addy or the name of your blog so I could contact you.