the binge eater diaries

well, I feel like i’m making some progress.  Not so much that i’m loosing weight, but that i’m changing my outlook.  Instead of feeling defeated and trapped and in a downhill slide, I feel like being light and healthy might be an option.

I am currently at 179 lbs on my 5′6″ frame as of this morning.  I went for a swim, and my swimming has improved.  Now that i’m off that birth control, i feel like i can actually breath.  I don’t feel like i’m made of lead weights anymore, and i can move through the water now.

My goals are to take up yoga, build a weight training routine and start regular running again.  I’ve atteneded one yoga class at my gym.  My next step is to sign up for a personal trainer at the gym.  and when weather permits, i’ll start some short runs and build up.  I will need to make sure the trainer knows that i need more stability and support for my knees.  When it really warms up and dries up a little, i want to play with barefoot running on this one trail i know of that is all grass.  

I managed to eat well 4 days now this week.  thats 4 days under 2000 calories, the most i’ve done in a looooong loooong time. loooong time.  I’ve cut sweets out of my diet as of jan. 1.  and i’ve increased protien foods such as fish, eggs and some cheese and added more fresh veggies.   and lots of fruit.  One nice change i’ve noticed is that fruit is more appealing to me as a desert now in the evenings now that i’m not thinking of binging on candy.  It’s good that i’ve locked it out of my mind.  i’m sure the temptation is still there and i could easily get sucked back into the candy addiction vortex, but i guess when you accept something, like my new years resolution, the option is turned off.  And the fact that i’ve made good on it this far is adding to my commitment.

my focus right now is to eat under 2000 cals per day.  ideally around 1600 for now.

my next step is going to be taking time daily for relaxing and clearing my mind.  Can’t do much without a strong mind.

I was seriously thinking of giving up sugar for one year.  I think i could do it and now would be the proverbial time to do it….

I just binged all day today.  I know it’s a mistake to stop at my mom and dads for dinner (or anytime for that matter) but I do like to visit with them, and i just always know they have candy stashed somewhere. To give you all an idea, A chipotle veggie burrito bowl for lunch followed by 5 1/2 cookies (at least, i lost count) and 3 truffles that i raided from another office on my way leaving from work, then about 7 more truffles at my mom’s house.  followed by dinner and a bowl of pudding.  E-gad.

so, one issue at a time.  first order of business for me is DIET.  If there were one improvement i could make to my diet, it would be something to do with my dinner habits.  Something about changing them so that i come home and prepare heathly whole-foods meals.

• come home and prepare a healthful, whole foods meal for dinner
• second, do this even if I’ve blown my diet during the day.

I , like many others as i can conclude from browsing the forums, tend to let myself go the whole rest of the day if i have an instance of less than perfect ingestment  earlier in the day.  So, instead of going out for chinese and a gallon of ice cream in the evening after the office potluck, it’s still ok to go home and prepare a healthful meal.

So the problem with the most priority for me to deal with is the eating pattern. We’ll take care of this.  Remember that You DO have control over what goes into your mouth.  No one can force you to eat something you don’t want to.  Ultimately, it is a choice that is formed in your own brain that results in your hand delivering a piece of food to your mouth.

And i WANT to be healthy.  I want to be healthy and light and free.  the picture of health.

seeing as how i’ve degraded from being a once daily exerciser down to essentially a non-mobile being, it’s accurate for me to think that any improvement on that habit would be a baby step.

i’ve been using my balance trainer daily for a few minutes, 5 or 10. and that’s really about all the physical challenge i do for my body anymore.  There’s usually a swim at least once a week.  All that’s good for something, at least i have something of a base to work up from.

There are alot of things i could do to baby step back into activity.  I could jog a mile.  i could walk.  i could target 2 swims per week.  I could hit the gym a few times a week again.  I could take a yoga class at the gym. i could do my workout videos.  i could do my gazelle.

my state of mind holds me back.  I want to be there already.  but at the same time i think i believe i’m still as in shape as i always was, like hanging onto the past.  I think these little workouts wont amount to anything.  You see, i used to run about 30 miles per week, so anything less intense than that doesn’t feel like it’s worthwhile.  At 33 years old though, my body just doesn’t hold up like it used to.  there are aches and pains to deal with after a hard workout that lay me up for weeks or days and throws off my whole workout plan.  Then i get stuck in the cycle again. But what i really need to focus on is getting stronger , little by little.  If there is a pain, i need to pay attention to that area of pain and figure out how to make it stronger and more resilient.  If there is a bad habit, i need to replace it with a positive habit.

I need to start somewhere, somehow if i want to still be youthful when i’m into the second half of my life and on beyond into my 90’s.   I want to have a good life

My goal for tomorrow is to cook up the fish I bought today for dinner after i get off work.  That time after work is tricky for me. that’s when i’m most likely to binge and make bad choices.  I’m normally of a strange constitution of weariness and being wired.  I’m sure it is connected to the Adrenal Fatigue diagnosis.  

I’m planning for tonight to jog one lap @ the neighborhood and right now sit down with a cup of hot mate with some valerian.

I’m going to be healthy again.   I’m going to be healthier tomorrow than i was today.

well, it’s kinda late so I’ll just give the run down.

Here goes:

breakfast, 2 eggs with ~1t evoo and spinach, onions and a bit of cheese.

Tea at the market, and one banana and an apple.

cashews, ~9servings in all.

dinner was 4 shrimp, peas and carrots and onions garlic and ginger sauted in coconut oil.

later on, 2 slices of harvati, and a grapefruit with some of those aforementioned cashews.

activity wise, i swam for 45 minutes and skated for 30 minutes…

about 2300 calories.  it’s alot, over my limit but still less than a binge would have amounted to.  So all in all it’s an improvement.  I was more active than usual today though. and i didn’t buy any candy or chocolate while i was out shopping.  I seem to be content with just drinking tea if i stop somewhere to read my book and pass the time.

I wont worry about it for now, i’ll weigh myself again in the morning and I’m looking forward to going jogging before we get together for the holiday.  Reminds me of old times  back when i was younger I’d jog daily, holiday or no, and it always put me in a good mood for the holiday.

I like jogging on chilly winter-fall days.  no one else is out so I sort of have the world to myself more or less and just lets me focus on things…life and things.  Gets me in an appreciative sort of mood, out there by my self, then meeting up with the family later on and feeling all gooshy and warm on holidays.   It takes alot of the guilt and worry out of enjoying all the inevitable food that will be involved knowing that i’ve not skimped on my exercising.

well, i hope it’s an enjoyable holiday and everyone (me included) is in good spirits.  It’s been too long since i’ve actually enjoyed a holiday…ugh, i need that feeling back!

they say it takes 21 days to build a new habit.  So i’m giving it 21 days to change some of my bad habits about diet to good habits.

the criteria for the 21 days is 

1. no buying of binge food
2. no buying candy or junk food
3. no fast food or restaurants (except with a friend)
4. prepare a dinner using at least 2 veggies of varying color

I think the whole ‘buying’ is the key here.  If i don’t buy it, i won’t eat it.  So, i can still have samples at the store, and a treat if someone offers me something.  that’s not really my problem.  my binges stem from food that i’ve bought for myself, so if i can break the habit of buying binge food, it will be a big step.

So, i did well yesterday, here’s the play-by-play:

morning, wild rice, sauted with evoo and snap peas with a little ginger and sea salt.  with a hard boiled egg a little bit later.

afternoon snack was a bowl of homemade applesauce and some frozen blueberries. 

had a hot tea at panera. 

dinner was 5 large shrimp stir fried in coconut oil with snap peas, garlic, onions and carrots.

at my moms i had one pumpkin cookie and one orange. and a few cherry tomatoes.

before bed i had a baked sweet potato with chives, parsley, organic butter and sea salt, and a spoonful of honey.  and ~ 2 servings of salted cashews.

I’m guessing roughly 1200 calories or so, but well below my usual cut off of 2000.

In addition i jogged 1 mile at the park yea!

twas a good first day.  i went into several stores and didn’t buy binge food or candy once!  now if i can just do that for 20 more days!

I had binged the past 2 days and my wieght was up to 184 that morning for the record. havent reweighed myself yet today.

Dear blog, and blog readers,

Time to start a new day!  So far, i’ve had a cup of detox herbal tea.  It is only 9:21am, and i’ve just gotten up an hour ago, but we are off to a good start.  I feel pretty good, dispite having a bag of chips and guacamole for dinner last night.  I’m setting out on the right foot from here on out.

My only goal is to make it to 170 pounds.  That’s not my final goal, i don’t even know if i have a final goal. I know after i hit 170, i’ll make a goal to 160. But we’ll see how things are going then and set new goals from there.  It’s always been rather difficult for me to maintain a weight below 160, so we’ll cross that bridge if an when we get there… But i can do 170.

Let’s see.  I have problem areas. They are:

1) binge eating

2) snacking after work

3)buying junk food snacks for each trip to the grocery store

For the binge eating, it seems to help me to stick to a low carb diet. (SCD and grain/sugar free diet).  For the after work snacking, if i change my habits to just come right home after work, things usually turn out better.  Buying sweet treats at the grocery store is one i’ve never been able to tackle.  I’ll try modifying the treat, like a candy bar instead of an entire gallon of ice cream, or a big tub of chocolates.  But that doesn’t normally help me because eating a little sugar just triggers me to want more….I am more likely to stick to it if i keep sweets out of my system long term.  

I don’t know the answer to the last one, except to just go cold turkey….no more buying treats at the store.

well, the plan for the day is to go swimming and that ’s where i’m headed now.  This evening i’m going to a hockey game with my parents.  You’d think that’d be fun, but it’s just alright.  I feel like the hockey games just take up alot of time and i don’t get that into them.

You see i’ve got this dilemma that i don’t ever do anything fun.  I go to work and barely keep up with the house work, and i never take time to do anything just for fun.  It’s been so long that i now don’t even know what my hobbies are any more  pretty sad huh?

Sometimes I’ll grab a cup of tea at the coffee shop and read for a while and that’s nice, but i don’t know as it’s all that much of a hobby. and it’s more relaxing than fun…

well that’s all for now, i could drag this on forever…