the binge eater diaries

weight:

calories:2730 (+1130)

accomplishments: learned that the panera chicken strawberry poppyseed salad has but 290 calories  Fought off 2 additional binge urges as i’m writing this.

Areas to improve:  relaxing, eating, working out.  Come up with more of a plan.  I know that you’re tired at the end of the day, and work can be unpredictable, but some kind of plan and set goals for working out and eating would be helpful.

inspiration:  the moments when you are experiencing the urge to overeat are when you make the most important decisions.  That is the time to make the decision.  that is the important time, the important decision.  the deciding moment.  the make or break.

feel: achey.

weight:180

calories: 2760 (+1160)

accomplishments:  well, i squeezed in a few balance ball exercises.  i had a healthy breakfast, snack and lunch. i maintained a positive attitude at work.  i drank green tea in place of coffee.  I did some hard thinking about how overeating holds me down in life.  About how i will not, simply will not succeed in finishing school and changing carreers if i am not healthy in body, mind, and spirit.

areas to improve:  eating.  granted i did not technically eat out, but i picked up fast food and brought it home. If i can only imagine what it would be like if the object of my binjing desire was not available or simply did not exist.  then choose that route. Come home and relax before moving forward with the rest of my evening, plan out exercise regimines.

feel: stuffed

inspirations: my friend teresa, the marathoner.  watching her do her workout routines and seeing her dedication and healthy lifestyle.  seeing how see aims to improve her diet.  all revolving around her marathoning.

weight:

calories: 1635

accomplishments: did not go out to eat.  did not eat anything sweet.  did some exercises on the balance ball. Stayed in a pretty good mood all day. came home after work. did my pm chores.

areas to improve on:  set limits for computer time.  Relax after work. really relax.  clear and calm mind and body.  do a more structured workout routine plus cardio.  think about what you would like to do and do things that are meaningful to you

feel: tired

weight: 182

calories: 3290 (+1690)

accomplishments:  well, i blew up my balance ball and did a few exercises.  i woke up in a fairly good mood. i have some resolve sparked back up this evening and a plan to use a diary to help plan my day better so that i live according to the things that i love.  hopefully to cut down on wasting time with things that are meaningless to me.  had organic trail mix as a snack instead of something processed.

areas to improve:  overeating.  was ok until the trail mix.  there’s that snacking urge immediatley after finishing a meal again.  i think i will quit with the eating out after work for a while. i think i would be more relaxed coming home at the end of the day and accomplish more goals at home that way. i’ll stop at the grocery and get fresh veggies/ fruits and a can of annies ravioli instead.  with the main goal being to eat at home rather than out.

I have good intentions, but my days tend to repeat themselves.  so i need to come up with a system to keep me on track so i can instill some new habits and make lasting changes.

feel:  bloated.

i’m really feeling good, almost proud you could say that I went to the gym after work, just like i had planned.

i even did 20 mins of cardio before hitting the weights like i had planned and it was not nearly so painful as i would have thought . in fact it went by quite quick.   i’ve noticed that since i started lifting weights again, the weight is finally starting to slip away.  little by little, but it’s good to finally see a difference on the scale.

i’ll keep it up.

I just need to commit to cooking dinner at home rather than eating out all the time.  I make reasonably healthy choices , but over all i’m sure i eat more than i need.  Some day i’ll be healthy and happy again.  someday.

  I’m 33 yrs old, unmarried, no kids.  Single as can be.  I live alone, just with pets.  i have a full time stable steady job and a house.  I’ve been struggling with weight since i was about 9 or 10.  how sad…  It sounds like a lonely existance.  my family lives in town though and i see them fairly often.  my sisterin law has sort of irritated me as of late, but mostly everyone gets along.  i have a few good friends.  but that’s just me i guess, more the homebody/ wallflower type than the social butterfly.  but i suspect that my wieght problem keeps me shut in more often than i would be if i were not so self conscious of my body and appearance. 

i keep trucking along, or stringing along with this weight loss dream.  Not making much progress, but i can’t give up.  if i give up there’s nothing to look forward too!

like many people, i tend to start the day out ok, but the evenings are the hardest to get by without throwing resolve out the window.

my obstacle is trying to figure out how to change my behaviors in the evening when i’m mentally and physically beat down.  it’s the reason i seek out food for comfort and escape.  I don’t think that this is a good way to be.  i think we should make the most of our time on earth.  but i’m sort of caught in  a destructive cycle.

I know that if i just ‘do something different’ it will get me out of that cycle.  but sigh, it’s just that i’m not even in any state of mind to think to myself that i need to stop and think.  There are different things i can do.  for instance, i could go home and prepare a soothing cup of tea and have a snack, then lay down for a little while.  it’s hard cuz as soon as i come home after work, theres the chores and the pets to tend too.  and all the home repair and redecorating that i hope to do that will someday make this house a pleasant retreat to come home too.  but there too is a catch 22–i’m to weary and beat to put forth the mental and physical energy needed to complete or start any project.

As i write this im becoming more aware of a recurrent truth about my self:

that i’m mentally and physically just plain worn out from life.

of course i’m aware of this, just not of it’s impact on my life.  But still there is the question of what do i do from here?  Some of the things i currently do are get on line, sit and read, watch TV.  Sitting and reading seems to give me the most peaceful outcome. followed by watching TV and last by getting on line.  I think because i can just waste away a day by getting online.  Procrastination i guess.  i dont use it for looking up reference on any thing.  usually just a method of avoidance of my responsibilities and goals….

I’m not exactly sure what the right path or next step will be, but  i know that if i come home, lay down for a while, drink a cup of tea, and DON”T eat, it rejuvenates me a lot more than other choices i make.  I also have some supplements to take that i think make me feel more rejuvenated, mainly the micro algea and the adrenal supps.

i don’t know.  

You know , it’s so hard to get through one day with out giving in to temptation.  So hard to stick precisely to the plan you’ve built up in your mind that morning.  

but i’ve decided not to focus on it, just do better the next day. it’s too easy to get sucked into the failure mind trap.  i was doing fine, till i decided to eat a bad of chips.  Not a good choice.  If not even only for the effect it has on my wieght, but also for the effect on my whole self.  Once i give in and have a moment of impulsive instant gratification, it just throws off the whole evening.  I know from the get go the evening is shot.  blown. gone.  i’m not going to do anything more but sit around.

it seems like such an odd problem for someone to have.  and eating problem.  i know that there are others out there with the same, but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand.  When you think of all the struggles people have in other counties and in other times throughout the ages, I be compulsive overeating wasn’t one of them.

but here is sit in this modern day, in this modern country and my biggest dilemma is that i eat to much….

on the surface it sounds stupid, so easy to solve, but we all know the truth.  It sound stupid and easy to solve but it controls my whole life and i feel guilty that i have this gift, this life and there are so many opportunities set before me, but the path i take is one of self destruction.  I am no better off, no different than and alcoholic, or a druggie.  Except that maybe i am fuller conscious, and fully aware of the aftermath of my over indulgence.

I don’t mean for this to be a depressing post, just a though provoking one.  

but i’m going to give it another go today. what else can i really do?

i know that i have issues with digestions and most likely absorption of nutrients. so i have kind of a little plan to soothe my stomach (and GI system).  focusing on taking something good for my digestion in between meals.  and a harder obstacle is making sure there is an ‘in between meals’ period.  i tend to have something going in my stomach in a steady flow throughout the day.  so i’m trying to give it periods of rest and emptyness.

I’ve got kind of a list of things to try and take between meals.  probiotics, prebiotics, herbal remedies and flushes.  

i find it really helps IF i can stick with it!  that’s my biggest obstacle is constantly feeding myself.

So i’ve been doing well with not eating sweets, i’ve cut back on binging mainly due to the fact that i’m not eating candy anymore.

I’ve come to realize in the past week that i just need to hunker down and get serious about making the time to work out.  Since seeing a trainer and adding just a few weight workouts in, i’ve seen a change in my own weight.  so i feel good about that!

But i’ve also seen that i tend to skip the workout after a stressful day.  I tend to only workout on my days off if i don’t have anything else scheduled.  

I also have developed the habit  of going out to eat on an almost daily basis, and the occassional binge here and there.  I’m willing to let the occasional latte go, but i need to cut out the stops at the cafes everyday for lunch.  not only is it expensive, but it’s not my ideal diet.  

I’m not upset with myself.  i’m quite pleased with the changes i’ve made.  But now i’m ready to take things a step further.  Next steps i need to work on are making exercise regular, and eating at home.  I’m not going to over do it.  I currently do 2 aerobic sessions per week.  i will add in a 20 minute workout on one of the stationary machines at work once per week, followed by one weight lifting session.  That will be my commitment.  but in addition, i’ll throw in a 10 min jog here, or 5 minutes on the balance board there if i’m up to it.

So it will be swimming 2x per week, weights 2x per week, and stationary machine 20 mins, 1x per week.

and no more panera meals, or camilles, or whole foods, or chipotle or (god forbid) taco bell.  prepare meals at home, even if is a sandwich with actual bread!  if your going to order sandwiches from a restaurant, you may as well let it be ok to make them at home.  at least then i can choose the bread and innards.

I’m not saying this to draw the line or to be a drill sergent or anything.  Just to up my commitment and my personal responsibility for having a healthier life.

If i want to get better, i have to make healing and getting healthy again a priority.

let’s face it, i’m not in my 20’s anymore, and i can’t abuse my body and expect it to bounce right back.  From here on if i abuse it, it’s going to abuse me right back!  So i’ve got to make this change so i can make it the next 66 years.

just doing some research into the poor digestion thing.  

I have been to many an alternative practitioner and ‘poor digestion’ has come up during several different exams.   Not being someone who likes to take a pill for everything, i’ve been reading up on alternative healing methods for poor digestion.

Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV)

is a pre-biotic, which feeds pro-biotics in the gut.  helps when there is low acid in the stomach.  Helps form and alkaline ph in the body.  take 2T with water before meals.

I could try this.  I could also add in a probiotic pill.

I keep forgetting about ginger and garlic.  both good for the digestion.  both powerful herbs.

I have shunned sweets for a month, and that has helped me.  I am concerned though that i don’t feel as lively and energetic as i would like.  I am not sure if it’s one of the supplements i’m on or if it may be diet and nutrition related.  One easy step i could implement would be to take ACV before meals, and take probiotics between meals.

I’m trying to make my next step be calorie restriction. I am only successful with that part of the time though, which is good, don’t get me wrong.  I’m definitely eating WAY way better than i have in the past year (or years).  Perhaps i’m not quite ready to jump to calorie restriction as a goal.  Not that i will let myself go, I just won’t beat myself up over it.  I’ll make my next goals adding ACV before meals, and work on improving my digestion.

there are other herbs that will aid digestion, but for starters, i will concentrate on ACV and probiotics.  the probiotics will be in the form of the pills, or homemade yogurt.

Activity wise, i am swimming approximately 2 days per week, and am looking forward to seeing a personal trainer tomorrow.

ultimately, my first goal is to do some form of physical activity on a daily basis.  weather it be weights, cardio, yoga, or core and balance training.  eventually, if my joints allow it, i’d like to start running again when the weather warms up.  If i could be running 28 miles/week again by mid summer or so, I’d be in heaven.