the binge eater diaries

more running this morning. 2.25 miles.

i feel so much …. younger and my skin looks so much better.

every muscle feels sore,  but i feel all the more alive for it:)

yesterday, i ran 3.5 miles for the first time in a very long time.

i did probably overeat tho…nothing new there.

the good news is that my weight now hovers around 170 instead of 180.

just reflecting on my current and past day to day habits. i used to run 5-6 days per week. not only was i at my thinnest and feeling my healthiest, but i was at my happiest.

oddly, the part about feeling happy is the part i covet the most…

well, it’s been all summer since i posted, but you be glad to know that i kept up with my plan from my last post. before going to work at my temp job, i’d get up, jog a mile or 2 then clean the cat (and bunny) litter boxes. it’s all about the routine, see. Did i do it perfectly? well, no of course not, but i think doing something with some consistency does make a difference.

for example, say i aim to jog 5 days a week, but i fall short at only 2-3 days per week. over time, i can say that i do in fact get some exercise in at least 2-3 days per week.

it’s been quite some time since i’ve weighed over 200 lbs. i think i’ve hit that weight twice in my life. once in high school, then again in college.  i know that even though I don’t hit my goals every week and i feel like i struggle day in day out with hitting my calorie goals and workout goal and half the time am way off the mark with them, i think it says something that for the past 10 years, i have not reached 200lbs again.

i hover around 180lbs.
but i’d like to get down to 150 and be able to maintain it comfortably.
by comfortably, i guess i mean by having a workout routine i can keep up with and enjoy, and have a diet that keeps me healthy and that i also enjoy. so, i guess i’m going to have to set goal again, as much as i ranted in my last post about being sick of them

but i think when you see your goals as a challenge, or a game, it makes it much more do-able than focusing on the restrictions.

i like working out.
i’ve said it before that i like to be active, it’s just my girth that keeps me from being more athletic.

my downfall is and always has been over-eating.  i’m trying to cut back to 1500cals/day.  500per meal.
if i go over by a couple hundred cals, it still is low enough to be a reduction in calories. apparently 1800cals is what i need to maintain, so i figure if i eat 1800 or less, at least i wont gain anything. also, if i eat a few calories over at one meal, i can cut back at the next.

so, so far today i’ve had 1/2 a fizoli’s lasagna at 350 calories, a plum at ~50cals and a bag of popcorn at 280cals.

total: 680 cals.

little over, so i’ll just adjust my next meal to 320cals. i have some fresh salad vegies and leftover beef and veggies. so a small serving of that plus a healthy sized salad should accomplish that goal.

at least the ground beef is filling.

ok wish me luck in this!

good luck with your own goals, whoever might find themselves reading this ramble

just bothers me how easily i slip back into binging after not eating too much for a while.

i wasn’t able to eat much due to extreme stress for quite a few weeks . so much so that i dropped 10#.  and i actually felt good not eating so much.

but it worries me that even though i like the feeling of not eating too much and i hate the feeling of being over full, i slip so easily back into the binge eating.

well, i am sure i can do it. i just have to believe i can.  just have a plan and do it. and know that i am going to do it.

I am a junkie. food is my drug. i need to be strong enough to stay away from it. one day at a time.

i’m so tired of setting goals for my diet.  i used to be all into it, but anymore, i just want to be able to live a life style where i don’t have diet and wieght goals.  goals havent’ really been working for me anyway.  i don’t need goals, i just need a change.

i just want a life that naturally keeps me in shape.  i’m at the point in my life where i don’t obsess over a perfect body.  i know that my body is going to look the way it looks no matter what size and i’m ok with that.

maybe what i want is just a routine. something i do day in, day out. like brushing my teeth.

well lately that’s what i’ve been striving for. since i’m not working at the moment, i have decided that no matter what, i must jog and clean the litter boxes in the morning before doing anything else.  i know, litter boxes, where did that come from.  just something else that i procrastinate on, and is likely not to get done at all if i wait till too late in the day

i’m sort of a morning person, so the best time for me to do something is a.m.  i’m actually going to set my clock tomorrow to be up and running (ha ha pun intended) by 7am.  a good start to the day can make all the difference .

time for new starts for me.  since being layed off, i’ve dropped 10 #’s anyhoo.  Funny how when your routine changes, it is easier to get out of ruts. even if the change was not my own choice.

at 35 years old i am forced to accept that the reason my hair does not look as good, my skin does not look as good, and my knees are painful is that I am not 17, or 25 anymore, and I never will be.  This is what it is going to be like now.  depressing.  yet…

drives home the point of how important it is to take my diet and health seriously.  not putting it off until tomorrow everyday.

the good thing is that like i said, my routine was turned upside down on me, everything that I accepted as steadfast has been pulled out from under me.  I realize this is a good thing.  Granted yes, I do need to get back into the work force, but I find myself wanting to take advantage of this clean slate.

I no longer can afford the pool, so i have been jogging.  just 20-30 mins.  and my knee is holding it’s own so far.  I have found that while i was not eating  I was having significantly less knee pain.  that makes me think that something in my diet could be aggrivating my knee.

I have also become aware of how much better I feel when i do not over eat.  when i was barely eating, I felt lighter and more clear headed.  Now that I am up to eating again, I am more aware of how over eating makes me feel like crap!  I am more aware that the meals i eat are way to BIG.  I could eat half of what I eat and be perfectly fine.  In short i’ve become aware that I don’t NEED as much food as I was eating.

I know that the reason why I over eat is anxiety.  it is easy to over eat.  It takes little effort and for some reason, I get worn out easily. whether it is physically or phychologically or emotionally or all 3.  I have a hard time with my ‘get up and go’  and it’s not cuz i want to be lazy.  i’m just tired alot.  it worries me that i’ve been battling alot of the same issues for years.

the wieght, lack of motivation, anxiety, disatisfaction with what i look like and who i am.

i thought in the back of my mind i would eventually ‘get it together’ yet at 35, i have not.

to people on the outside looking in, i seem fine.  but there are so many things that i am unsatisfied with!

enough belly aching for one post.

later there will be more…

decided to awaken my blog.

well, forgot about my resolve, and didn’t regain consiousness until after i had already purchased the last 2 boxes of cadbury eggs at kroger, and was tearing into the first egg… oh they are soo delicious.

i know this is my daily mantra, but i will say it again : I’ll start over tomorrow, for GOOD.

goal for tomorrow: well simply put it is not to binge eat. not so hard right?

weight:

calories:  1600

accomplishments:  swam 45mins.

finished school work for phil.  good attitude mostly.  looked up stuff on insulin resistance.

improvements:  relax and de-stress.  plan better.

feel:  anxious.

inspiration:  yoga journal. good reading.  trying to realize that looks don’t matter.  who i am is not defined by how i look.  and i don’t look as bad as i think i do.  i’m just constantly comparing my 34year old self to my 16 year old self.  but no one can turn back time.  just have to be as healthy as i can and get my 34 year old body to look as good and be as healthy as it can.

weight 185

calories: 3150

accomplishments:  swam 45mins.  it was a good workout and then i rode my bike @ the nieghborhood a bit.  nothing intense but it was some activity. also mowed the lawn. looked up homework and started reading

improvements:  i hate seeing it because it means i have to look at my failures and see how far i have to go, but it is good to see how many calories i log, even when i know i’ve screwed the diet up. I know there are times i eat when i’m not hungry and also times when i eat way to much when only a small snack would suffice.  nothing left to do but pick up and start again.  the biggest area i need to improve with is my eating habits and though i grab alot of good salads, i still eat alot of the wrong things.  the tempting things.  the comforting foods.  Also it is important to do something relaxing daily or more often.

attitude:  i really want to be thin.  but it isn’t enough.  I have to want to be active and want to eat healthy.

calories: 2200

weight:185

achievements:  done some PT and walking.  ate reasonably well this day compared to over eating the last couple.  getting back on track.

areas to improve:  could do alot.  not been doing well with diet.  it seems that i get back on eating alot of starchy foods and drinking coffee and pop, it takes me days to feel better again.

Really want for 1600 cals to be my goal.  thinking about it now though, since it’s hard for me to hit that maybe i’ll start with a 1900 cal allowance and see if that’s easier to hit.