the binge eater diaries

i’m really feeling good, almost proud you could say that I went to the gym after work, just like i had planned.

i even did 20 mins of cardio before hitting the weights like i had planned and it was not nearly so painful as i would have thought . in fact it went by quite quick.   i’ve noticed that since i started lifting weights again, the weight is finally starting to slip away.  little by little, but it’s good to finally see a difference on the scale.

i’ll keep it up.

I just need to commit to cooking dinner at home rather than eating out all the time.  I make reasonably healthy choices , but over all i’m sure i eat more than i need.  Some day i’ll be healthy and happy again.  someday.

  I’m 33 yrs old, unmarried, no kids.  Single as can be.  I live alone, just with pets.  i have a full time stable steady job and a house.  I’ve been struggling with weight since i was about 9 or 10.  how sad…  It sounds like a lonely existance.  my family lives in town though and i see them fairly often.  my sisterin law has sort of irritated me as of late, but mostly everyone gets along.  i have a few good friends.  but that’s just me i guess, more the homebody/ wallflower type than the social butterfly.  but i suspect that my wieght problem keeps me shut in more often than i would be if i were not so self conscious of my body and appearance. 

i keep trucking along, or stringing along with this weight loss dream.  Not making much progress, but i can’t give up.  if i give up there’s nothing to look forward too!

like many people, i tend to start the day out ok, but the evenings are the hardest to get by without throwing resolve out the window.

my obstacle is trying to figure out how to change my behaviors in the evening when i’m mentally and physically beat down.  it’s the reason i seek out food for comfort and escape.  I don’t think that this is a good way to be.  i think we should make the most of our time on earth.  but i’m sort of caught in  a destructive cycle.

I know that if i just ‘do something different’ it will get me out of that cycle.  but sigh, it’s just that i’m not even in any state of mind to think to myself that i need to stop and think.  There are different things i can do.  for instance, i could go home and prepare a soothing cup of tea and have a snack, then lay down for a little while.  it’s hard cuz as soon as i come home after work, theres the chores and the pets to tend too.  and all the home repair and redecorating that i hope to do that will someday make this house a pleasant retreat to come home too.  but there too is a catch 22–i’m to weary and beat to put forth the mental and physical energy needed to complete or start any project.

As i write this im becoming more aware of a recurrent truth about my self:

that i’m mentally and physically just plain worn out from life.

of course i’m aware of this, just not of it’s impact on my life.  But still there is the question of what do i do from here?  Some of the things i currently do are get on line, sit and read, watch TV.  Sitting and reading seems to give me the most peaceful outcome. followed by watching TV and last by getting on line.  I think because i can just waste away a day by getting online.  Procrastination i guess.  i dont use it for looking up reference on any thing.  usually just a method of avoidance of my responsibilities and goals….

I’m not exactly sure what the right path or next step will be, but  i know that if i come home, lay down for a while, drink a cup of tea, and DON”T eat, it rejuvenates me a lot more than other choices i make.  I also have some supplements to take that i think make me feel more rejuvenated, mainly the micro algea and the adrenal supps.

i don’t know.  

You know , it’s so hard to get through one day with out giving in to temptation.  So hard to stick precisely to the plan you’ve built up in your mind that morning.  

but i’ve decided not to focus on it, just do better the next day. it’s too easy to get sucked into the failure mind trap.  i was doing fine, till i decided to eat a bad of chips.  Not a good choice.  If not even only for the effect it has on my wieght, but also for the effect on my whole self.  Once i give in and have a moment of impulsive instant gratification, it just throws off the whole evening.  I know from the get go the evening is shot.  blown. gone.  i’m not going to do anything more but sit around.

it seems like such an odd problem for someone to have.  and eating problem.  i know that there are others out there with the same, but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand.  When you think of all the struggles people have in other counties and in other times throughout the ages, I be compulsive overeating wasn’t one of them.

but here is sit in this modern day, in this modern country and my biggest dilemma is that i eat to much….

on the surface it sounds stupid, so easy to solve, but we all know the truth.  It sound stupid and easy to solve but it controls my whole life and i feel guilty that i have this gift, this life and there are so many opportunities set before me, but the path i take is one of self destruction.  I am no better off, no different than and alcoholic, or a druggie.  Except that maybe i am fuller conscious, and fully aware of the aftermath of my over indulgence.

I don’t mean for this to be a depressing post, just a though provoking one.  

but i’m going to give it another go today. what else can i really do?

i know that i have issues with digestions and most likely absorption of nutrients. so i have kind of a little plan to soothe my stomach (and GI system).  focusing on taking something good for my digestion in between meals.  and a harder obstacle is making sure there is an ‘in between meals’ period.  i tend to have something going in my stomach in a steady flow throughout the day.  so i’m trying to give it periods of rest and emptyness.

I’ve got kind of a list of things to try and take between meals.  probiotics, prebiotics, herbal remedies and flushes.  

i find it really helps IF i can stick with it!  that’s my biggest obstacle is constantly feeding myself.