Just the weigh I am.

Tomorrow is the day that Josh and I have settled on going to the gym. Yell at me if that doesn’t happen.

I tried to drink less water today and see how I felt. A commenter on my last entry mentioned I could be flushing my system and not getting the nutrients I need. Perhaps she is right. Also, it reminded me to take my multivitamin since I’ve been neglecting to do so.

Another nice tidbit of the day. My camera came today and I’m super excited. Would it be cheesy to post my 365 picture here every day? Is anyone interested to see that? If you don’t know, 365days is a project on Flickr where you take a photo of yourself every day for a year. I’m on day 77.

Well, here’s day 77, nonetheless.

Today’s menu:

Breakfast:
- fat free yogurt
- nutrisystem granola
- a banana

Lunch:
- 2 natural applesauces
- nutrisystem vegetable beef soup

* I had no after work snack today. Are you proud? I distracted myself instead.

Dinner:
- salad with fat free ranch dressing
- nutrisystem pasta alfredo with chicken

Snack:
- nutrisystem lemon blueberry bar

Beverages:
- 2 bottles of water, probably 1 or 2 more by tonight’s end

I get better every day.

I am just so freaking thirsty all the time. It’s almost an unnatural amount and it’s starting to worry me. I’m also just feeling ravenous. I’m always hungry.

Breakfast:
- 2 natural cinnamon applesauces
- nutrisystem chocolate chip scone

Lunch:
- nutrisystem chicken a la king

Snack:
- 6 dill pickles
- cottage cheese
- a few slices of cheddar cheese (FAIL)

Dinner:
- nutrisystem tacos
- salad with fat free ranch dressing

Snack:
- nutrisystem hot cocoa

Beverages:
- 4 water bottles, probably a few more by the end of the evening

I need to stop being generous with the portions of my after work snack. I just have to be a little bit more controlled since dinner is not far off by the time I get home. New goal: distract myself as much as possible after work so as not to eat much.

When I stopped to think about it, this week wasn’t as bad as I thought. I never weighed myself last weekend and last weekend was a bit of a diet disaster so that’s why I weighed so much yesterday. I need to stop worrying. I also need to stop obsessing over the scale, as one of my commenters suggested.

Yesterday was a bit of slip up again. I had a bit of a breakdown for various reasons and then the next thing I knew, I was at Applebees with Josh. All I’m going to say about last night is that it could have been worse, and I turned down my favorite chips and ice cream later in the night. To me, small victories like this are important.

Now for today, which was also a success.
Woke up late so didn’t have lunch.

Breakfast:
- nutrisystem cereal
- 1/2 cup low fat milk

Dinner:
- nutrisystem steak with noodles and teriyaki sauce
- salad with fat free ranch dressing

Snack:
- nutrisystem snack bar

* I will allow myself to eat my nutrisystem lunch later if I’m still awake and hungry. Or maybe tomatoes with a little cottage cheese.

Also, something else noteworthy: Josh and I are going to start going to the gym this week.

My mood was a little bit better today, although I did have a sinus headache that refused to go away no matter what I did.

I’ve been SO parched lately. What the hell is up with that? I’m thirsty ALL day and can never quench it.

Starting to write down today. I’m getting serious. Hopefully writing down what I’ve eaten, even if most of it is Nutrisystem, will probably help me.

Breakfast:
- raspberry fat free yogurt
- nutrisystem poppy seed muffins

Lunch:
- nutrisystem pasta and chicken in sauce
- 2 little sugar free mango-pear applesauces

Snack: (FAIL)
- 2 tomatoes
- too much cottage cheese
* At least my intentions were good today. Today’s lesson: don’t take the entire container of cottage cheese with you. Put some on the plate.

Dinner:
- 2 bites of Josh’s bbq pizza
- nutrisystem pizza
- salad with 2 tbsp. fat free ranch

Snack:
- nutrisystem chocolate bar

Drinks:
- 5 poland spring water bottles

Not too bad so far. The first day can’t be absolutely perfect but this was really close. I am pleased.

I have decided that Josh is a horrible influence for my diet. He just makes excuses for me. He’s not being vindictive, he’s just trying to be nice to me.

Oh, you had a hard day, lets get some ice cream!
It’s the end of vacation! Lets drink some energy drinks! (Ahhh pure sugar!)

All very nice, but very unnecessary for me to partake in while trying to diet. I don’t have the willpower to just say no. I have a hard enough time not making excuses for myself, and now he’s making them for me. Oh well.

Friday night? I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
Saturday night? I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and ate Doritos later.
Sunday afternoon? I ate a huge cheeseburger, fries, and onion rings.
Monday afternoon? We went to Quiznos and I got a large sub and chili.

I need to start writing this down just to show myself how absolutely hurtful I am being to myself, both physically and emotionally. I need to write this down so I can stop making excuses. This is how it is and it needs to change. I’m not going to even say that “from here, I try” anymore because I keep letting myself down. I’m going to start taking it day by day and being accountable for everything that enters my mouth. That’s all I’m promising. Maybe being accountable here will help me get my ass in gear. Maybe. Hopefully.

170 days until my wedding.
Seriously.

I’ve been told that I should update. I guess it’s true. Oh boy have I got a lot of crap to cover.

I last posted the week before Thanksgiving and then I disappeared for two weeks. Coincidence? No.

Thanksgiving went well. I decided that since it was going to be my last Thanksgiving here in America for a while that I would forget about my diet and enjoy my thanksgiving. Was that smart of me? Probably not. Was I just making more excuses? Definitely.

Thanksgiving was nice, though. I ended up trying to fill myself up on the veggie platter before dinner and it really worked. I had a good amount of turkey and small portions of mashed potatoes, stuffing, and corn. The good thing was that dinner rolls were accidentally forgotten or that would’ve been a disaster. I also had a tiny slice of my grandmother’s pumpkin pie because, come on, you have to eat Grammy’s pumpkin pie.

So what was the damage? I gained ONE pound on Thanksgiving. I was so incredibly proud of myself. So what did I do? I decided I was going to enjoy my weekend with Josh and gained FIVE MORE POUNDS. Good job, Caitlin.

I didn’t tell this to him, though. I decided I was going to just forget that Thanksgiving week ever happened and I would just lose all the weight again. If I can gain it in 3 days I can certainly lose it in 7, can’t I? I was so ashamed of myself but for the first time in a long time I did something about it instead of just telling myself I already messed up and ate more.

I lost all six pounds this week. Actually, 6.2 pounds.

I was on the way home from dropping my sister off at her class last night and Josh decided he wanted McDonalds so I drove him there. I didn’t get anything but the topic came up about my weight and he started saying all these things about how I don’t really have much time left until the wedding and I really need to get my ass into gear and he’s just trying to make sure I don’t fail because he doesn’t want to see me upset again.

So I told him all of the above. I told him how I was ashamed that I had gained the weight and that I just lost it all. He was upset that I had my own silent victory and wished that I shared it with him while it was happening. Then I realized: to me it wasn’t a victory at all. It was me screwing up again. He helped me to see that even though I messed up it was a step in the right direction. He told me that he was very proud of me and apologized for his previous statements. It was a really nice talk and it made me realize that sometimes I don’t allow myself to be proud of myself and I should just share things with him so that he can help me to be proud of myself. Also, we decided that he needs to try to eat a little bit better so that I don’t have any temptation whatsoever and I need to help him do this, as well.

I’m doing well. I will reach goal weight by the wedding. Even though I had a lost week, I still lost 2/10 of a pound so it really wasn’t all that lost, was it? I can do it…

The scale read 204.6 yesterday morning.
Today is read 207.0, which I deemed impossible.

I ate absolutely nothing wrong yesterday. What’s the deal?
I’m so upset. Days like this make me want to give up.

Perhaps my new scale is a bit more testy than I thought. Maybe it’s just super sensitive. If I use it on carpet compared to a hard floor there’s almost a 20 pound difference. That’s what I’ll keep telling myself. The scale is wrong. I look good. Eh, I can’t believe myself - who am I kidding?

I’m trying so hard. I should at least not gain anything.

I forgot to write my weight on the day I got my new scale: 205.7! Not too bad.

Now I’m 205.0! So close to ONEderland!

My sleep schedule has been messed up lately for multiple reasons. It stinks. Blah.

I finally got a new scale today. I absolutely love it. It’s pretty and made of glass. It also calculates to one decimal place so I can see progress even more. Perhaps the best thing about it is that it also uses Kilograms. I want to get used to that since I am going to NZ soon and that’s what they use there. Plus now Josh can weigh himself and realize what it means.

205!!

Up to 25 pounds lost!
I’m getting somewhere.

ONEderland, here I come.