Life is Crazy. May 22, 2010
Well, it is. It’s amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye. I’m in a bit of a holding position right now in that I’m not sure what’s going to happen with my marriage. I thought I was happily married one second and the next I’m blindsided by an apparently unhappy husband who wants out of the marriage. Add to that the discovery that he’s been having an affair. Crazy, crazy, crazy. It’s hard to know where things stand right now. Once second I feel one way and the next second I’m in a completely different place. We went to a marriage counselor, but that just seemed to make things worse. She didn’t seem to listen to us or address any of our specific problems and we both got so frustrated that we ended up taking it out on each other. My husband told me he had cut of all communication with the other woman, but I found out that he spent time with her just this past weekend and that the communication had never stopped. Once again he has promised that he has cut it off, but I just don’t believe him. It’s odd not to believe him because this man never gave me any reason ever to doubt anything that he said. It’s like I’m dealing with a total stranger. We’re going back to another counselor on Monday and I’m really hoping for improvement. I’m just not sure how much more of this I can take.
So how does that relate to this? Well, the most surprising thing to me is that throughout this whole ordeal (the past month), I have stuck to my weight loss plan, have attended all of my meetings, and have not been terribly tempted to stray off of plan. Perhaps it’s just that this is the only thing I feel like I can control in my life right now so I’m hanging on to it for dear life. Either way, it has been my salvation. When I’ve felt like my whole world was caving in on top of me, I could put on a pair of pants that didn’t fit a few weeks ago and feel just a little bit better. It’s also given me back some of the confidence I had, which is so terribly important right now because I am continually doubting myself and my worth during this mess. I’m spending more time on my appearance these days – straightening my hair, dressing in cute clothes, wearing make-up on the weekends. I feel like if I at least project it on the outside, it will start to seep into the inside. At least I hope so.
I’m thinking of visiting some friends over the Memorial Day weekend, but I’m feeling conflicted about it for a few reasons. For one, these are the friends through which I met my husband and I don’t want to spend the entire weekend talking about what’s going on at home. Secondly, I don’t want to risk going off of plan and that’s always a fear when out of my element. I’d be staying in a hotel for the weekend and eating out for all of my meals – I’m just afraid of slipping back into old habits and doing some serious damage. On the other hand, if I could make it through the weekend on plan, it would do wonders for my self-esteem and confidence. I’m still debating it, but we’ll see how I feel as the week progresses…
Here’s hoping that my next post will come from a much better place!
Oh! Updated to mention that I’m only 1.2 lbs away from reaching my 10% goal of losing 45 lbs. I was hoping to hit it this week, but it didn’t happen. I’ll work hard this week to make it happen!