Just circling the block…

So here I am on September 15, 2012…..and it’s not going so well….

I got off track, started bingeing, not caring — it’s so hard to say I didn’t care — of course we always care — even when we mess up we care…..

But I’ve gained….and this is so much an example of how if you don’t move forward you’re either in reverse, regaining weight that took huge effort to lose…or at best….I’m just going around the block around the block, around the block…..just want to go forward for a change…..

So time to re-read Beck….get back to my relaxation tapes….and plan food and liquid….AND get to the gym….really need to go to the gym….

Stay tuned…this isn’t over yet….

Day 1 — 6-6-12

This is a scary feeling — at one time I got on the scale and it said 298. At that time looking down at the scale I was terrified I was crossing the line over to the 300’s, and that I would lose all hope of losing my “obeseness.” At the end of September 2011 I had joined Weight Watchers (WeWa) and had lost some of the weight. Then at the end of February, 2012, I started Atkins, and did that and had had a good initial whoooooosh of weight loss, and then started playing around with the rules and started going up 6 down 4 up 3 down 4 up 5 down 3, up 6 down 5, just yo-yo-ing.

I started feeling hopeless. Even started feeling like isolating myself from threads I post on, or isolating myself from my TOPS group — I didn’t go last week because i didn’t want to face weighin-in. I had started bingeing again. My binge foods are — unique? They are meringue — yup that’s right, white fluffy egg white sugar vanilla flavored goodness in the middle of the night, and popcorn. Can put away 12 cups easily which will make me feel bloated and queasy for days (not that it stops me from eating again).

In the past I had read the Beck Diet Solution book and believed it would help me, but it takes more than just reading the book — I would need to re-read and DO what the book SAYS! Actually do the homework the book gives. But I do believe inside that pink book lies the solution to my “obeseness”.

Because I want to be different than “the fat girl”. I want to be more than “the fat girl”. I want my life back. I want the life I never had in my adulthood because I always surrendered to the power of food.

So, I just weighed, and I weigh 282. That’s very scary — it’s like I’m headed back to 298. And there is nothing else I can think about or do right now other than feel very very scared. I’m right on the abyss of how this is going to ruin my health, because I’m starting to be less and less physically active. My right foot is hurting — the heel — and my tailbone is hurting, so I’m spending too much time laying down and thinking about these issues and then I reach for food. I’m sitting here right now with an empty bowl of meringue on my left, and empty bowl of popcorn on my right.

There is a thread on 3FC about the Beck Diet Solution, and I did go there and post my current weight, and I made a promise to find the book tonight and begin on Day 1, and just do whatever it says. Until I get further into the book, I now commit to:

1. Doing the Beck Diet Solution Days and exercises.
2. Tracking my calories on FitDay for now until I get further into the BDS book and figure out if I’ll do that any differently.
3. Starting today I’ll get on my exercise bike and stretch out this foot will help with the pain. I know I can do that much (hopefully even go to the gym).

So, there I am, I have a plan, I am now a person with hope.

Thank you for listening…stay tuned.