I haven’t been on here in about six months.

Life has been wonderful. I tend to write on here mostly when my life is stressful. When I am unhappy.

But yes, I have had an amazing summer.

My body has not. At all.

I am the fattest that I have been in many years. Fat Fat McFatty Fat Fat.

Last August I was 114 lbs ….. today ….. drum roll please ………………………..

141 lbs!!!!!!!!

That is not a typo. I have gained another TEN pounds this summer. Ughhhh!!!!

And you wanna know what I ate for lunch today? A McDonald’s burger. Ya …. I did. I ate it. And I liked it. I actually kind of blame McDonald’s for at least 3 of those extra pounds ….. it’s their  fault that they opened up a new one only a 5 minute walk from my house … walk … did I say walk?? Ha Ha Ha. I mean a 2 minute drive from my house. My fat-ass doesn’t walk anymore. LOL. Way to not take credit for my own weight gain …. did you catch that???

Anyway, I don’t fit into any clothes. I don’t even fit into half of my nursing scrubs. That’s when you know you have a problem. When your fat clothes don’t even fit.

Just thought that I would check in here. Thinking about doing something about this weight. Considering making some changes. Soon. Really.

I’m starting over. I know that I sound like a broken record, but it’s true. I am starting over. Today is day one.

Yesterday, I ate enough food to feed myself for a week. I was out of control. Sandwiches, a bagel, cheez-its, cereal, cookies  ….. I couldn’t stop. That’s over.

My official starting weight is 132.5 lbs. I know that I am not overweight, but I am almost 20 pounds heavier than I was last summer. I want to fit in my clothes again. My goal is 125 lbs by April 1st and 120 lbs by May 1st. I think that’s entirely realistic.

I usually am stocked up on healthy cereals, and that’s always been an easy way to start a diet for me. But right now, I have Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Lucky Charms, and Cocoa Pebbles in the house. But even if the cereal is sugary, the calorie count isn’t too bad. So, I don’t really feel too guilty starting my day with those cereals. My method for weight loss is counting calories. Of course I want to eat healthier foods, but when it comes down to it, I can eat anything as long as I keep my calories in check.  I plan on using The Daily Plate like I did last summer. It really worked for me!

Breakfast: (370 calories)

• 1 1/2 cups Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal (260 calories)
• 1/2 cup 2% milk (60 calories)
• large iced coffee with skim milk and one splenda (50 calories)

Lunch: (420 calories)

• Lean Cuisine Chicken Ranch Club (330 calories)
• apple (90 calories)

Dinner: (275 calories)

• Green Giant: Terryaki Broccoli, Carrots, Cauliflower (175 calories)
• Yoplait Blueberry Light Yogurt (100 calories)

Total: 1065 calories

Hopefully I am done for the day. We’ll see. I will probably be up for another 4 or 5 hours. I’ll try to stick with water. But I can’t promise ….

So …. how’d I do???

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WTF!!!! ………. I just ate a PB and J sandwich and 3 cookies. I suck! I’m about 1800 calories for the day now. I have no sense of control!!!! I’ll figure calories out exactly tomorrow. I can’t think about it now!

I am having a bad day. A really really bad day.

I am miserable. This day is soon to get even worse.

Why won’t the bad things just go away?????

Why can’t things just be good????????

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I’m back. It’s been a few hours. My world is being ripped out from under me. My life is getting turned upside-down. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to react. I am so lost. I’m a mess right now. Weight is the last thing on my mind, but this is a place that I feel I can express myself.

Oh my God … what am I supposed to do now???

                          I want to be pregnant more than anything!

I can’t say that we are actively trying to get pregnant. Not on a regular basis at least. But I have been telling Jay that I am ready for a while now. He wants a child with me, but is a little less sure about this being the right time. I’m 31, and my clock is ticking VERY loudly. This weekend was when I was probably ovulating …. hard to really tell because my cycle has always been longer than the normal 28 days. The only time that was was close to regular was when I was on the pill. Anyway, we had “baby-making” sex on Thursday and Sunday. This weekend was our 4-year anniversary. I guess that was my anniversary present!

(I hope that this isn’t too much info for all of you … I feel like everyone is pretty open around here. You can handle me talking about sex, right???)

I know that the odds are against me being pregnant already …. but I am hoping. I am soooo ready for this. I have been ready for a long time. I have my career. I have found the man I want to spend my life with. We’ve been together for 4 years. I think about having a baby 24 hours a day. It’s getting ridiculous.

As far as dieting, I still suck!!!! I have my good days and my bad. I’ve been eating tons of Special K cereal and veggies, but I also just ate SIX cookies. I honestly feel that being pregnant will be an excuse for eating even healthier. I would be eating healthy for more than just me … it would be for another human being …… MY baby!

Wish me luck everyone. It’s too early to test, but I should be able to tell in a week or so.

I HATE waiting.

This is not me today. This is me 5 1/2 months ago ….. about 15 lbs ago.

This is one of my favorite pictures of myself …. and you guys are the only ones who have ever seen it.

I mean, seriously, who takes a picture of themselves in new clothes when they are feeling thin for the first time ever??? That was me trying on my very first Size 2 pants ever.

Those pants don’t even fit past my thighs right now. Less than 6 months later, and I can’t even attempt to put them on. I want that body back. I can get that body back. This picture is my motivation. I should look at this picture every day. Maybe it will make a difference.

OK … it’s only 7:15pm, but I think I’m done eating for the day. Probably. We have nothing at all to snack on in the house, healthy or not.

Not sure about the times I ate, but does it really matter …..

• oatmeal
• dry Crispex cereal … a lot of it!
• entire box of broccoli in cheese sauce
• coffee

My cabinets are still empty. I get paid tomorrow. The check is mostly spent, but at least I can get some food.

I need to start using the Daily Plate again. That’s how I stay commited to eating healthy. Obviously, I’m not eating “healthy” yet, but I’m paying attention again. I need to start going to the gym again. Summer’s coming before we know it, along with bikinis (maybe) and shorts and skirts and tank tops and sundresses ….. need to trim up and tighten up!!!!!

• 1:00pm - large iced coffee with skim milk and splenda
• 7:00pm - large bowl Crispix with skim milk
•                  packet of apple cinnamon oatmeal
• 12:30am - bowl of spaghetti with red sauce

Ok …. so it was a weird day for food yesterday. Weird work hours. No food in the house. Not enough food. Not the right foods. But at least it wasn’t a binge day.

Issues with the boyfriend lately. That always gets me on this blog for some reason. I went months without blogging regularly when we were happy. But now that we are having problems, I turn to this blog to focus on something.

So if I disappear again …. does that mean it’s a good thing? That I’m happy and content in my relationship again??? I don’t know. Guess we’ll see. But I am here for now. You’re stuck with me!!!

I have no food in the house. No money to buy any. This should be easy to lose weight, right??? I can’t get fat is there is nothing left in the fridge.

But I also can’t afford healthy food right now. I’d kill for a yogurt and an apple right now.

My boyfriend had knee surgery so he hasn’t worked for 2 months. Life is expensive paying for two people on one salary without any help. I can’t imagine how it is for single mothers. I make good money, but the check literally is spent before I get my hands on any of it.

We have tickets to a Kid Rock concert this Sunday to celebrate our anniversary and Valentine’s day. It’s at the closest casino, which is about 3 hours away. We obviously already paid for the tickets, but I’m hoping to have a little money for a hotel and some gambling.

No …. it doesn’t make sense to gamble when you are broke. But come on …. we’ve been planning this since the fall. We need to have fun once and a while. I didn’t celebrate my birthday this ear. I don’t go crazy at the casino. Maybe $100 each for the whole day. Who knows … maybe I will hit the jackpot!

But that’s a lot of yogurt and apples I could be buying ……   why can’t I just be rich??????????

Ok … time to get myself in the shower to get ready for work. I picked up an overtime shift. Last time I drove all the way into the city before my shift got cancelled. I was pissed. Got my fingers crossed that this time works out.

By the way …. I’m pissed at my boyfriend right now, but that’s a story for a different day ……………..

At least I kept track of what I ate today … in my head … even if it wasn’t good ….

• 5:30 am - large iced coffee, skim milk and splenda
• 9:00 am - 2 slices bacon
•                 2 pancakes with syrup
• 2:00 pm - large can minestrone soup
• 9:30 pm - big bowl spaghetti with red sauce                                                                                                         glass pinot grigio

Haven’t started back on Daily Plate yet, but I paid a little bit of attention.

I show up on this blog every few weeks, and I NEVER follow through. Still the same weight. 131 lbs this morning. Still eating bad stuff. Going to the gym …. once or twice a month! Pathetic.

But summer will be here before I know it. And I want to get down to last summer’s weight. I want to be exercising like I was last summer.

If I keep popping on this site every few weeks, maybe I will eventually stick around.

Maybe this time???

I turned 31 yesterday. I think it bothered me even more than 30. I’m over it now though.

I feel old, and I’m more than ready for marriage and babies. Especially babies. That biological clock is ticking louder every minute. But not trying yet. Waiting for that ring that won’t come until Jay gets back to work (after he heals from knee surgery).

So until then, I should concentrate on getting my body healthy.

I went to the gym today. That’s a start. I’ve been eating ok today. Not perfect, but ok.

I’ll keep you updated.

All I have to say is that I ate a Big Mac Value Meal for dinner tonight. There is nothing else to say.

             Just some cupcakes that I made that were definitely not healthy. And another picture of me from this fall. Before I ate all the rudolph cupcakes!!!

So, it’s been a long time. I did write a blog or two over the past few months, but I haven’t really been a part of this site in many months.

I haven’t been very good. I haven’t been eating healthy. I haven’t been going to the gym (although I do now have a membership).

My lowest weight was 114 lbs in August. I still fluctuate a lot, but this morning I was 131.0 lbs. That’s been a pretty normal weight for me lately. Sometimes lower, but hardly ever above that. I don’t weigh myself every day now. I don’t really worry about my weight much. I don’t think I need to lose much. However …..

I would like to fit into my clothes that I bought this summer. Maybe not the 1/2, but the size 4 pants would be nice. I also just want to be healthier again. I always feel better about myself when I take care of my body. I want to eat healthier, and I would love to make the gym a habit. Now that the craziness of the holidays is over, I really have no excuse.

I also have so much else going on in my life right now, and I would love to start writing about it again. It always makes me feel better to share my story. To get things out in writing.

Some things are good. Some things are stressful. Some things are sad. Some things are just confusing.

So here I am …. back in action … ready to start.

Tomorrow and Thursday I plan on keeping healthy living in mind, but I will count Friday as the official start date of the new me. (cuz I gotta work 15 hour days the next 2 days). Friday, it’s time to return to the gym. Time to say good-bye to the Dunkin Donuts and the macaroni and cheese. Hello treadmill and veggies!!!

OK … I am sooooo disgusted with myself that I think I am ready to get back on track again.

I went from 114 lbs to 132 lbs in about 5 or 6 weeks. That’s 18 lbs!!!!!

I don’t need to be 114 lbs. I really don’t. But I should be between 120 and 125 lbs. That’s where I feel my best. That’s where my clothes fit.

Now, I just feel icky. It came on way too fast.

I have been practicing disgusting eating habits for over a month, and it can’t continue. It just can’t. I swear, as soon as I stopped tracking my foods and using this site, I completely lost control. It’s like an alcoholic who stops going to AA. I need you guys. I need to check in.

When I lost my weight before, I wasn’t on a strict diet. I do not plan on trying a strict diet this time either. But I am going to try to eat healthier. I can’t eat half a pizza, a handful of Halloween candy, followed by cake and ice cream … every day!!! I can’t do that anymore. It makes me feel nasty!!! It makes me look nasty!!!

So, today is day one. I will go back to weighing in on Mondays like before. But I can tell you that the scale said 132 lbs today. The highest I have seen in MANY months.

Wish me luck!!!! I’m BBBBAAAAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!