Committed

I got a new job!  More money, better title & closer to home.  Could not be better.  And the timing is great too, as things suck as much as ever at my current job.  Now I just have to endure the pain of the 2-week notice period, and it will be o.v.e.r!

I had a long talk with a colleague who was my original manager when I joined the company.  She confirmed that I’m not the insane one, and that things really are whacky with the company and also with all of the new managers they’ve hired (specifically the one I report to).

It took a lot of the pressure off, because once I could accept that it was not about me and there was really not much I could do to fix it, I now feel free to just sit back, do the job they want me to do, and collect my paycheck.  So that is still not ideal, but its better.

And then that same colleague who comforted me got so frustrated herself that she quit last week.  So now I feel a bit saner, but its totally lonely without this friend and coworker around.  Nobody else ‘gets’ me.

I’m still looking for a new job - something that will work better longer term.  I have one possibility right now, but not much else.  The economy is a killer.  And, the opportunity from back in April did not work out obviously, but I think it was for the best.

I took the GMAT last week, and completely tanked on the math.  So a few of my target schools are now out of the question.  One of the only modestly selective schools gave me a conditional acceptance which hurts the ego a bit.

Oh well.

I’m not sure why, but I have a nagging headache that started yesterday.  It doesn’t want to go away no matter what I take for it!  Go away bee-yatch-y headache!!

Ugh.  Today is a fat day. Let me explain.  In my eating disorder books, the ED experts refer to “Fat Days”.  These are days when we feel exceptionally fatter than on a regular day.  But that is not all.  The fat feeling is accompanied by fat day emotions - guilt, shame, regret, disgust, insecurity, etc., all focused around being too fat.

The theory is that fat days are actually just a big ruse for other feelings and emotions going on under the surface.  ED sufferers are especially prone to fat days, but everyone gets them.  For example, I might be feeling increasingly bad about things at work.  When things come to a head, I feel really upset and powerless - in fact, I feel so powerless that it is almost intolerable.  When I feel powerless it mirrors a similar feeling during childhood abuse, even though its just normal grown up work / career issues.  So I do what I can (consciously and unconsciously) to make it go away!!!

Within a day or two of all those swirling emotions, I am hit by a fat day and I suddenly forget about work. All of the focus becomes all about how disgustingly fat I am, how worthless I am, etc.  I obsess about lowfat recipes and counting calories.  I try to come up with a diet and exercise plan in order to lose 3 pounds a week for 28 weeks.  I cry.  I obsess.  I beat myself up.

As much as I make every effort to avoid fat days, I’m there today.

So rather than indulge it, I’m going to get my mp3 player and go clean house as a distraction from both work and weight troubles.