Is this time different?

In maintenance since June 1, 2012


Watch out

Today I freaked out a little. Because of my work schedule, I take a break in the early afternoon –watch some TV, visit this forum, etc.– till I go back to work from 5PM to 11Pm –yes, crazy schedule. My trigger time used to be 3 to 4 pm, while watching some tv before getting ready for my evening shift.
These past four months I never ever ate between lunch and tea, and then I had a late dinner at 11pm.
Today I found myself eating whole wheat bread with sugar-free jam, at 3 pm, while watching the news. WTF??? Four months without eating at that time, and there I am, chewing bread???
So I thought, this is it. This is the moment when I start going down the slippery slope, when I start visiting the forum to remind myself of what I used to do and cannot do any longer, the moment when I start gaining my 16 pounds back.
Well, no sir! I went to work, came back and had some chicken breast, and that was it. I did not go over my 1200 cals, and though it was a high carb day, it was ok…
So now I think: what is the difference between this time of the year last year and now? Not much, but a lot: tons of work to do, with a lighter body and no food to take refuge in. And most importantly, I don’t need to take refuge anywhere!

Though I am “more normal” than last year, the binge-eating wiring is there, intact. I just need to learn how not to turn on that machinery…

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By susana
On May 3, 2012
At 6:56 pm
Comments : 0

On sleep and food

My food is on check (less than 1200 cals yesterday, including a little bite of dark chocolate). I have just ordered one of my favourites, a veggie pie I generally eat complete, but I could not finish it. I am leaving 1/4 for dinner or for a snack. I felt like eating the whole thing –my tastebuds shouted that in my ears– but my stomach was full aready –and the stomach has learned to should more loudly, or I have learned to listen to the stomach and not so much to my tastebuds.

Along this journey to good health, I am concentrating on my sleep, which has been quite bad for years. Yesterday I had the following objectives: turn off the light at 12; turn off the TV at 12; read before going to sleep. I could not do all that. I did turn off the light, but listened to the TV for a half hour before turning it off; and I did not read before going to sleep. So, one out of three. But I DID turn off the light at 12! So, this evening I will try to do better, keeping the 3 objectives in mind. I think that what I dread is the combination darkness/silence when I am not that sleepy. I’ll tell you how I do!

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By susana
On February 7, 2012
At 7:45 am
Comments :1

On sleep paralysis and somniphobia

So many things start to get the importance they deserve, now that healthy food is becoming a habit! My diet plan is getting to be part of my life, and having left behind that long plateau –low voice: I think I lost another kilo… shhh!– , I somehow naturally started to “control” other aspects of my life.

As I am going back to work today, before going to sleep yesterday –or not to go to sleep… see below– I scheduled my day, and I found myself hesitating at the moment of deciding when my day finished. This is because since my divorce I find it very hard to turn off the light and go to sleep: I stay up watching television –or scheduling the following day– for hours until I collapse, but don’t drift naturally into sleep as most people. So I ran a google search and I discovered that my symptoms are very much in keeping with (a slight, I guess) somnophobia. I used to have (while married, not later) also sleep paralysis, a horrible experience. So I thought that if I can cope with my food issues, I can very well try to cope with me sleep issues…

I am reading into this fear of sleep phenomenon and I will try to go to sleep quietly tonight. Just thinking about it makes me afraid, but I will try. I’ll tell you tomorrow!

Foodwise, everything ok. I eat around 1200 calories (remember I am short), choose food which is low in carbs, walk regularly, and started to lose again after the plateau. In a way, dieting has become a habit, so it is no news now! haha! Hope you are all doing well!

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By susana
On February 6, 2012
At 5:17 am
Comments : 4

A very long day

This second post is just to leave some evidence behind me: I am terribly hungry!!! The day drags on, dinner never arrives. I grabbed a snack an hour ago (two tomatoes) and I hope that will take me to dinner safely. It’s weird, because it is not that I crave something in particular, but just feel uncomfortable because of the hunger sensation. I have some 500 calories left (as I am very short, I have to take around 1200 to lose), but I want to leave them for dinner not to be hungry at night. Sleeping is hard when you are hungry… I never get up to eat at night, and don’t like “hunger induced insomnia.”

So, just venting. I am so hungry! If I were not so motivated i would eat the trail mix I am keeping in the fridge! haha! I’ll be strong! Captain of my soul, master of my destiny!

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By susana
On February 4, 2012
At 1:43 pm
Comments :1

One of those days

Long, boring, I-need-a-life day. Too hot to go out, engaged to look after granny (90, blind) this evening, not losing weight for the moment, with pending work-related tasks which I don’t want to think about. And I feel my tummy is all bloated… As you see, not much of a buddy today! But anyway, I did not go off my food plan –though I stared a little at the icecream in the fridge– and keep hopeful.

It is not that I just hope to lose weight. I hope some day my like will be more exciting than now, in a way. I have a tendency to overlook achievements and to focus on unattained goals… Bad attitude, isn’t it?

I am making a short trip to a nearby town to visit my married son this weekend. That will give it some variety to my life… And will be a challenge to my diet. More on this soon!

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By susana
On January 18, 2012
At 10:41 am
Comments : 2

I faltered, but …

I keep eating low carbs and not eating when not hungry, but this afternoon I started to miss cakes and stuff. As soon as I understoon I was “in danger” I started asking myself what feeling I was bottling up, and I concluded it was about frustration and feelings of inadequacy again. I know my limitations, and as I hold a very high position at my job with resposibilities which are difficult to meet –so far, I have had no problems, but the stress is there–, and my home depends on me too, so though I never complain much, all the preassure must somehow blow up, right?
But… I did not eat anything that is out of the list of “allowed food”, and now face a calm evening. That does make me proud, but is also a sign of warning: when my holidays are over and resposibilities start to stress me out, will I be strong enough not to resort to food as I used to do? Keep with me till next month and you’ll know!

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By susana
On January 13, 2012
At 4:48 pm
Comments : 0


Today it was cottage cheese for breakfast, veal, onions and a banana for lunch, no tea yet after six hours –heading straight for dinner, which is hard to believe in a grazer. I confirmed what I understood yesterday: if as soon as I think of food when not hungry I do some insight, I can tell what is going wrong. Today it was frustration with a text I am writing, which is giving me a lot of trouble and which is threatening to take up my summer holidays. But again, though I could undestand that and refrain from eating by promising to call it a day as soos as possible and to go on working tomorrow, I still fear what will happen when I can’t say “enough” because I am at work and dealing with problems which won’t wait for my emotions to be in control to hit.
I also found myself thinking about eating something “harmless” just to calm down, but I dismissed the idea as counterproductive to my purposes: If I am trying not to eat when not hungry, even eating lettuce would go against the idea; and lettuce may lead to tomato, tomato to apple, apple to apple pie.
We’ll see how things develop. For the time beign, let me give myself a round of applause for not even thinking of the icecream in the fridge –except for this moment, of course!

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By susana
On January 5, 2012
At 3:15 pm
Comments :1

Danger, danger!

I walked on the tight rope today: first, I bought icecream for my son and as I was walking home with it I thought that perhaps I was really buying it for me. Well, so far, I have not even thought about it… Pray for me!
And the second situation was that I had pumpkin pie for dinner and found myself growing aware that I did not need a second slice but could not help having it. One slice was not enough –I did not mean to eat anything else for supper– and now I know two were fine, but I am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to tell when is the right moment to stop and if I will stop at that moment.
Having failed so many times in the past makes me over suspicious and over cautious. In the meantime, before job-related stress reappears and while things are in control, I intend to build habits and to get fit(ter).
Today I could walk for half an hour, because it was really hot (above 100°F) and I felt too tired. Let’s see if tomorrow I can do better!

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By susana
On January 4, 2012
At 6:29 pm
Comments : 0