Is this time different?

In maintenance since June 1, 2012

 

One month of maintenance

It’s been an eventful month. I lost two pounds –four, but I regained two–, kept eating between 1200 and 1300 cals, trained according to the C25K three times a week, did not binge, had my clothes altered. So far so good.
But I also discovered I still need to learn lots of things –I listed some in my previous post–, and especially I have to grow spiritually. I am still jealous of my co-workers and sometimes too proud, and though I try to tame that jealousy/pride combination I get really pissed when they give me orders (WTF?) or when they get credit and I don’t. There is somebody in particular who drives me mad, because she bosses me around –though she is not my superior– and because she works so hard –probably 16 hours a day, and not from home as I do– that no matter what I do it is never as good as what she does. I don’t want to spend my life working, but I am good at what I do and don’t make mistakes… So the other day I did not agree with her and she stormed out of the office, and then came back to continue our meeting. When the meeting was over, she said that she did not want to work with me any longer if I kept contradicting her… Really stressful. Fortunately other people have the same problem with her, which makes me think that I am not that wrong, but I still think I should not make her mad. What makes her mad is seeing that I think on my own and do things she is not doing –she is jealous too!–, and reacts aggressively. I am jealous, but just breed it within and don’t attack people! Well, it is not easy to work together, but I have to learn how to work with her and with other people without getting anxious or angry.
Luckily, the anxiety and the anger are not making me eat.

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By susana
On June 30, 2012
At 4:15 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

The fourth week! This time it is different!

I am now jogging 3.5 minutes without stopping! I could never jog that much! Last week I thought I would not make it because the effort I had to make was huge, but here I am, jogging in the park, watching the birds in the morning, feeling an enormous sense of achievement.
I have lived some hundred meters away from a beautiful park for 20 years and I rarely visited it. Now I am going there every other day, and I am slowly learning my way among the winding paths, the ponds and the bridges. Jogging gives me a lot of peace, and is helping me keep slightly below my maintenance weight. Now that my muscles are harder and there is less fat to complain about, I got into the habit of taking care of my skin more systematically, so I think that soon I will even dare to wear a swimsuit! I have not bought one in around 15 years…
Why do we wait so much to make these changes in our lives? When I started this blog I thought of giving it the title “Is this time different?” because I doubted it would be different this time. Now I know it is, and a lot different: I could never stick to a food plan for six months before, I could never undertake an exercise program seriously, and I kept bingeing and then trying to fast –I never could fast, by the way–, so I could say I waited for around 35 years to build the habits I believe in. Why this long, I wonder? My youth is over and I did not enjoy it! I guess I had to learn many many things before I could build the habits I believed in.
I still need to learn a lot: to plan meals, to choose better, but also to be more politically aware, to manage my time better, to read more. Maybe the key to success is that! Not to think only in terms of food and exercise, but in terms of learning, of growing!

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By susana
On June 28, 2012
At 7:36 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

Third week in Couch to 5k

This is getting really difficult! I should have jogged for three minutes today, but I had to cut that down to 2.5 minutes or I would just die. It is getting hard to stick to the program! I suppose I may need to put off week 4 and do week 3 twice, because it is really hard on me!
Weight-wise, I am maintaining at 51-52, with slight daily changes I don’t worry about. I try not to deprive myself –I ate ice cream yesterday– but also try not to go over 1300 calories, which seem to be the amount which allows me not to go above 52 kg.
I have not binged this year yet. I do not eat out of boredom or stress or frustration, though I still feel the (weaker) tug towards food now and then. Yesterday, as soon as I finished talking to my mom on the phone, I immediately thought of eating, though I was not hungry. Fortunately the craving is so weak that I can manage, but it is surprising to realize when I think of bingeing: my mom triggers the thought, and so does my graduate work. Those two areas of my life seem to be responsible for my unhappiness! LOL But again, I am not bingeing!
Hope you are all fine out there, sticking to your plan or making a new plan, or at least understanding why you are not on plan. Keep trying, keep going.

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By susana
On June 21, 2012
At 9:25 am
Comments :1
 
 

Second week in C25k

I completed my second week training to run 5k. Today I finished my third run of the week, in very cold weather and under a drizzle. I was Rocky Balboa! I felt very proud of myself, because last year at that hour in a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon, I for sure was curled in bed, watching TV and eating cookies. This time, as soon as my kids went to their dad’s, I put on my sneakers, a raincoat, and there I went jogging. I still don’t know what made me change so much. What I do know is that now I can wear clothes I had kept hoping that some day I would lose weight. I am even wearing pants I had never worn before, and which had been waiting in the closet for years! I am finally making it…
I would like to lose some pounds, but fortunately I am being sensible. Winter is a difficult time to maintain, plus my job is stressful, plus I am entering perimenopause, so it would be unwise to force myself to go on losing, if eating 1200 cals just allows me to maintain. I cannot eat less than that, so if I don’t lose, probably I shouldn’t, at least for some months.
By Sept 1, supposedly, I will be running 5k. Then, if I can, I will reduce carbs –not cals– to see if I can lose a bit more.
But it is alright as it is. It is the first time in my life I have a maintenance plan… Challenging enough, right?

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By susana
On June 17, 2012
At 8:17 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

Coach to 5k is working

Last weekend I came across this program on the Web, and I have been wogging as suggested: I walk about 100 m, and then jog another 100. I thought it would take me a lot to get used to it, because the first two times I ended up breathless and with aching lungs. But today I wogged for the fourth time, and to my surprise it was not difficult at all. The feeling afterwards is marvellous! I felt energized and younger and stronger! My lungs responded without aching, and now I am ready for my second week, which implies longer stretches of jogging. Now I am sure I can do this…
Dieting was similar to this: I had always wanted to lose weight and I could not do it, so I got to believe I couldn’t. I always wanted to be a runner, but it was so difficult for me to get past the first 100 m that I thought I couldn’t. Now I know I can do both: I lost 22 pounds (practically 20 % of my weight), I am maitaining (!!!) and I am “training”!!!
So my expectations are higher now: not only do I wish to maintain for three months (till September 1), but also to be able to run my 5k by the time I finish maintaining and start losing again. I would like to lose four/five pounds more, and now I know I CAN DO IT!
After what? 35 years of failing? I CAN DO IT!

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By susana
On June 10, 2012
At 2:06 pm
Comments : 2
 
 

Down!

I am supposed to be in maintenance for three months, but:
– I am afraid of eating too much and gain weight, so I keep eating within the 1200-1300 range.
– I started wogging with a view to really running 5k by September, which is more exercise than I did these past months.
Consequence: today I noticed I lost two pounds, which comes as a surprise but not an unwanted one! I tried on my thin pants (dating back to last century) and they fit well! So, I am practically at my thinnest since what? 1990, maybe? I was thinner than this, but during highly stressful –divorce related– times, so those lows don’t count. This is my thinnest being well fed and in control of my eating.
I am starting to discover forgotten bones in my hips (under a nice padding, but they are there!) and in my knees (didn’t remember those). So, I will celebrate this… wogging!

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By susana
On June 5, 2012
At 3:13 am
Comments : 2
 
 

Steering on

So I am trying to steer my way into maintenance waters. I am quite afraid to eat more than I should and gain weight, so I am slowly incorporating some little splurges: some pork yesterday, a little piece of cake. I am also trying to incorporate more physical activity, but that is very difficult for me because I don’t have much free time. My doctor told me that exercise should be taken daily as if it were a prescribed medicine, but it does not sink in, not yet. I had two very long walks this week and I hope to have another one tomorrow. Maybe three long walks a week is a good start, I don’t know.
What amazes me is that I am not embarrased about my body any longer. I used to wear a lot of clothes in winter –sourthern hemisphere here– and even in summer so as to cover my hips, but now I walk about in jeans or pants and though I know I could look better, I also know I am quite fine for my age (47), so there I go, not trying to conceal anything. I never thought I could feel comfortable walking among a lot of people in pants and a jacket.
I is also great to get up and not panic over what to wear. I just pull out what I want to wear and don’t fear, as I used to, that it would be too tight or that I would not be able to zip it up.
Now that it is getting cooler here, I see I have to discard or alter a lot of last year’s clothes, since they look baggy and I even find them too “old lady” for my figure.
So, these are the things I am starting to discover: winter can be enjoyable if you don’t put on weight –as I used to, every year for like 30 years–, and your body may be a comfortable place to live in, if you feed it well and don’t live to eat.
My intention is to stay at 52 kilos / 114 pounds till Sept. 1, and then see if I want to lose more. I know I feel “pretty” (how silly that sounds!) at around 47-48 kilos / 103-105 punds (I am only 5 ft tall). I also want to keep binge-free for ever! I know I may relapse any minute, but I have not binged for five months now, and that is starting to give me some hope that my eating disorder my be finally becoming a thing of the past. If BED means bingeing at least twice a week, then I don’t have it any more! Anyway, the “wiring” is there: when I feel frustrated or lonely, my first thought is still food. As I have no cravings, that first thought is easy to discard, but it is there, which reminds me that we are never fully cured.

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By susana
On June 2, 2012
At 7:10 am
Comments : 0
 
 

Goal weight!


I still cannot believe it, but I lost all the weight I intended to lose! I have not binged since New Year’s Eve, and it is the first time in my life that I can eat healthy, be in control and lose –slowly but finally!– 10 kilos without ever quitting for almost 5 months.
I still need to lose some more weight to feel comfortable in a bathing suit, but I want to learn a new lesson before I lose some more: I want to learn to maintain and exercise regularly. I thought about maintaining through the winter, and starting again in spring, and only if I still want to lose more. As I never maintained low weight, I do not know what my body will do if I don’t start bingeing again. Will I continue losing, more slowly? Will the exercise make lose some more? Or maybe not! Will the shape of my body change with exercise and maintenance? Well, it is a new experience for me, and I am 47! I wish I had been able to be this balanced when I was younger –I think my life would have been very different– but I am happy I am able to learn new tricks even though I am (almost) an old dog. There is hope, people!
So, I will be publishing here my progress as a maintainer for some months. Hope it does not get too boring for occasional readers. The plan is to up my calories to around 1350 –I am on 1200– to see what happens, and keep at that level through June.
Reporting back to you soon!

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By susana
On May 26, 2012
At 8:27 am
Comments : 2
 
 

Scale day!


Surprisingly, I lost quite a lot of weight over a week, not doing anything different. It is a proof that no matter your age, it is possible to lose, though it may take longer. Just one kilo less and I will go into maintenance for the winter, which is a huge challenge to me.

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By susana
On May 10, 2012
At 8:25 am
Comments : 0
 
 

Watch out

Today I freaked out a little. Because of my work schedule, I take a break in the early afternoon –watch some TV, visit this forum, etc.– till I go back to work from 5PM to 11Pm –yes, crazy schedule. My trigger time used to be 3 to 4 pm, while watching some tv before getting ready for my evening shift.
These past four months I never ever ate between lunch and tea, and then I had a late dinner at 11pm.
Today I found myself eating whole wheat bread with sugar-free jam, at 3 pm, while watching the news. WTF??? Four months without eating at that time, and there I am, chewing bread???
So I thought, this is it. This is the moment when I start going down the slippery slope, when I start visiting the forum to remind myself of what I used to do and cannot do any longer, the moment when I start gaining my 16 pounds back.
Well, no sir! I went to work, came back and had some chicken breast, and that was it. I did not go over my 1200 cals, and though it was a high carb day, it was ok…
So now I think: what is the difference between this time of the year last year and now? Not much, but a lot: tons of work to do, with a lighter body and no food to take refuge in. And most importantly, I don’t need to take refuge anywhere!

Though I am “more normal” than last year, the binge-eating wiring is there, intact. I just need to learn how not to turn on that machinery…

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On May 3, 2012
At 6:56 pm
Comments : 0