Is this time different?

In maintenance since June 1, 2012


Some major breakthroughs

My bad eating habits are rooted in a genetic predisposition –coupled to an upbringing that made me want– to overeat –my drug of choice– and to some emotions that make me feel so bad that I run to the fridge for comfort. Those emotions are generally frustration and loneliness. I have very demanding parents who never seem to appreciate my achievements, I have extremely difficult co-workers who are ready to point out every mistake or weakeness I may be guilty of, and I have been divorced for ten years, without a couple since then.

So, loneliness is long, frustration usual.

I have been finding ways to fight both. As to loneliness, I am trying to enjoy it. I used to complain that I could not go out because I didn¿t have a date and myy friends are not always available, but last Sunday I decided to go to a concert on my own. That was  a first! I loved the experience, did not feel lonely at all, and sort of enjoyed the possibility of being the “mysterious lady in the crowd”. This evening I will hit the movies on my own too, to watch a Portuguese movie.

As to frustration at the workplace, I am slowly taking leadership positions and my difficult co-worker starts to agree with my proposals. I need to get her respect to feel better, because I really respect and admire her, but in hierarchy I am above her… Difficult!

As to academic frustration, I suppose we need to get used to it, working at university. It is a very demanding place, where you need to study a lot for your work to be acknowledged. Getting used to it too!

I am confident that these new behavious will make me feel better… Reporting soon!

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By susana
On May 5, 2013
At 9:50 am
Comments : 0

A nice visit

Today my son and my daughter in law came to town and I made a chicken dish they loved. I ate too, though it contained corn and cream. Then I had a scoop of icecream, and that was it. I could control myself and did not overeat… They brought cake as a gift, and it is still there, untouched!

Tomorrow I will run my 3 miles, and then work, and then see if I can catch a concert in town. I am quite happy about these days, in spite of the workload. I feel calmer now that I know I can order my eating… Hope you are all doing well too!

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By susana
On May 4, 2013
At 9:16 pm
Comments : 0

What a reward!

I have been trying to reorder my eating and I have lost 4 pounds in a week. I did not expect this sudden loss, so I feel really rewarded! I introduced only small changes so far:

No sweets.

Eat only when hungry.

Not eating sweet things has already changed what I crave for. As we tend to crave for what we generally eat, I started to think of fruit rather than of sweets and other junk like that.I just need to make sure there is a store of healthy food at home.

As to being hungry, in my system it is related to a small rumble, a small discomfort. If I am eating little fat, that is way before growing dizzy or weak. It is just the symptom of an empty stomach… I like “constructing hunger” in this way because it makes it depend on a physical sensation and allows me to grow conscious of my body, binding eating to the body and not to emotions.

I am not cutting on anyhing else for now. If not eating junk and eating only when hungry makes me lose, that is more than enough! I need energy to go on training, so I can eat a bit of everything –even pizza and fries– as long as I don’t eat for emotional reasons.

I remember now that these two determinations (no junk, no emotional eating) were the first I made a year and a half ago, when I started to lose and lost around 20 pounds. I think it is a good idea to modify behavior slowly not to feel deprived… What do you think?

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By susana
On May 3, 2013
At 4:39 am
Comments : 0

What is to be hungry?

I have just read this question in one of the forums, and as someone else answered it, I just pondered about it. I am still pondering…

Is it feeling dizzy, is it a rumble in the stomach, is it meal time? How out of contact with our bodies we are! Right now it is meal time, I know I could eat if I had cooked something, but I am interested in this post that I could also wait for another hour to eat. If I had not been reading that forum, I would probably had eaten earlier… Was I hungry earlier? Not as much as now!

So, is keeping busy the key to eating when we are really hungry? Is boredom such an enemy to us, disordered eating people? I will keep pondering!

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By susana
On May 2, 2013
At 7:45 am
Comments : 2

Almost a year ago…

If you read the post I published almost a year ago, you will see I was starting to maintain and to jog. After that my internet connection got busted and I tried to continue my program without writing here.

Lots of things happened: I went on training, and now I can jog for more than an hour. I love doing it! It was hard and I never thought I would make it –I started jogging at 47, and I am 48 now–, but here I am, running about 6k twice a week.

That allowed me to keep most of my weight off –regained a little–, but I am not eating as well as last year. Yesterday my internet connection was finally fixed for good and here I am again, trying to go back to better habits. I need to regain control over emotional eating, for example, and to make sure I don’t binge.

I got used to being thinner and love it, but I think that being in control is much better than being thin.

My new goals:

Fight emotional eating and bingeing.

Lose the little weight I put on in the past year. I would like to weigh 50 kg on June 1.

Run 10k.

I was about to write “Wish me luck!”, but I prefer this: “Wish me willpower!”

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By susana
On May 1, 2013
At 8:28 am
Comments : 0

One month of maintenance

It’s been an eventful month. I lost two pounds –four, but I regained two–, kept eating between 1200 and 1300 cals, trained according to the C25K three times a week, did not binge, had my clothes altered. So far so good.
But I also discovered I still need to learn lots of things –I listed some in my previous post–, and especially I have to grow spiritually. I am still jealous of my co-workers and sometimes too proud, and though I try to tame that jealousy/pride combination I get really pissed when they give me orders (WTF?) or when they get credit and I don’t. There is somebody in particular who drives me mad, because she bosses me around –though she is not my superior– and because she works so hard –probably 16 hours a day, and not from home as I do– that no matter what I do it is never as good as what she does. I don’t want to spend my life working, but I am good at what I do and don’t make mistakes… So the other day I did not agree with her and she stormed out of the office, and then came back to continue our meeting. When the meeting was over, she said that she did not want to work with me any longer if I kept contradicting her… Really stressful. Fortunately other people have the same problem with her, which makes me think that I am not that wrong, but I still think I should not make her mad. What makes her mad is seeing that I think on my own and do things she is not doing –she is jealous too!–, and reacts aggressively. I am jealous, but just breed it within and don’t attack people! Well, it is not easy to work together, but I have to learn how to work with her and with other people without getting anxious or angry.
Luckily, the anxiety and the anger are not making me eat.

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By susana
On June 30, 2012
At 4:15 pm
Comments : 0

The fourth week! This time it is different!

I am now jogging 3.5 minutes without stopping! I could never jog that much! Last week I thought I would not make it because the effort I had to make was huge, but here I am, jogging in the park, watching the birds in the morning, feeling an enormous sense of achievement.
I have lived some hundred meters away from a beautiful park for 20 years and I rarely visited it. Now I am going there every other day, and I am slowly learning my way among the winding paths, the ponds and the bridges. Jogging gives me a lot of peace, and is helping me keep slightly below my maintenance weight. Now that my muscles are harder and there is less fat to complain about, I got into the habit of taking care of my skin more systematically, so I think that soon I will even dare to wear a swimsuit! I have not bought one in around 15 years…
Why do we wait so much to make these changes in our lives? When I started this blog I thought of giving it the title “Is this time different?” because I doubted it would be different this time. Now I know it is, and a lot different: I could never stick to a food plan for six months before, I could never undertake an exercise program seriously, and I kept bingeing and then trying to fast –I never could fast, by the way–, so I could say I waited for around 35 years to build the habits I believe in. Why this long, I wonder? My youth is over and I did not enjoy it! I guess I had to learn many many things before I could build the habits I believed in.
I still need to learn a lot: to plan meals, to choose better, but also to be more politically aware, to manage my time better, to read more. Maybe the key to success is that! Not to think only in terms of food and exercise, but in terms of learning, of growing!

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By susana
On June 28, 2012
At 7:36 pm
Comments : 0

Third week in Couch to 5k

This is getting really difficult! I should have jogged for three minutes today, but I had to cut that down to 2.5 minutes or I would just die. It is getting hard to stick to the program! I suppose I may need to put off week 4 and do week 3 twice, because it is really hard on me!
Weight-wise, I am maintaining at 51-52, with slight daily changes I don’t worry about. I try not to deprive myself –I ate ice cream yesterday– but also try not to go over 1300 calories, which seem to be the amount which allows me not to go above 52 kg.
I have not binged this year yet. I do not eat out of boredom or stress or frustration, though I still feel the (weaker) tug towards food now and then. Yesterday, as soon as I finished talking to my mom on the phone, I immediately thought of eating, though I was not hungry. Fortunately the craving is so weak that I can manage, but it is surprising to realize when I think of bingeing: my mom triggers the thought, and so does my graduate work. Those two areas of my life seem to be responsible for my unhappiness! LOL But again, I am not bingeing!
Hope you are all fine out there, sticking to your plan or making a new plan, or at least understanding why you are not on plan. Keep trying, keep going.

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By susana
On June 21, 2012
At 9:25 am
Comments :1

Second week in C25k

I completed my second week training to run 5k. Today I finished my third run of the week, in very cold weather and under a drizzle. I was Rocky Balboa! I felt very proud of myself, because last year at that hour in a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon, I for sure was curled in bed, watching TV and eating cookies. This time, as soon as my kids went to their dad’s, I put on my sneakers, a raincoat, and there I went jogging. I still don’t know what made me change so much. What I do know is that now I can wear clothes I had kept hoping that some day I would lose weight. I am even wearing pants I had never worn before, and which had been waiting in the closet for years! I am finally making it…
I would like to lose some pounds, but fortunately I am being sensible. Winter is a difficult time to maintain, plus my job is stressful, plus I am entering perimenopause, so it would be unwise to force myself to go on losing, if eating 1200 cals just allows me to maintain. I cannot eat less than that, so if I don’t lose, probably I shouldn’t, at least for some months.
By Sept 1, supposedly, I will be running 5k. Then, if I can, I will reduce carbs –not cals– to see if I can lose a bit more.
But it is alright as it is. It is the first time in my life I have a maintenance plan… Challenging enough, right?

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By susana
On June 17, 2012
At 8:17 pm
Comments : 0

Coach to 5k is working

Last weekend I came across this program on the Web, and I have been wogging as suggested: I walk about 100 m, and then jog another 100. I thought it would take me a lot to get used to it, because the first two times I ended up breathless and with aching lungs. But today I wogged for the fourth time, and to my surprise it was not difficult at all. The feeling afterwards is marvellous! I felt energized and younger and stronger! My lungs responded without aching, and now I am ready for my second week, which implies longer stretches of jogging. Now I am sure I can do this…
Dieting was similar to this: I had always wanted to lose weight and I could not do it, so I got to believe I couldn’t. I always wanted to be a runner, but it was so difficult for me to get past the first 100 m that I thought I couldn’t. Now I know I can do both: I lost 22 pounds (practically 20 % of my weight), I am maitaining (!!!) and I am “training”!!!
So my expectations are higher now: not only do I wish to maintain for three months (till September 1), but also to be able to run my 5k by the time I finish maintaining and start losing again. I would like to lose four/five pounds more, and now I know I CAN DO IT!
After what? 35 years of failing? I CAN DO IT!

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By susana
On June 10, 2012
At 2:06 pm
Comments : 2