Is this time different?

This is getting really difficult! I should have jogged for three minutes today, but I had to cut that down to 2.5 minutes or I would just die. It is getting hard to stick to the program! I suppose I may need to put off week 4 and do week 3 twice, because it is really hard on me!
Weight-wise, I am maintaining at 51-52, with slight daily changes I don’t worry about. I try not to deprive myself –I ate ice cream yesterday– but also try not to go over 1300 calories, which seem to be the amount which allows me not to go above 52 kg.
I have not binged this year yet. I do not eat out of boredom or stress or frustration, though I still feel the (weaker) tug towards food now and then. Yesterday, as soon as I finished talking to my mom on the phone, I immediately thought of eating, though I was not hungry. Fortunately the craving is so weak that I can manage, but it is surprising to realize when I think of bingeing: my mom triggers the thought, and so does my graduate work. Those two areas of my life seem to be responsible for my unhappiness! LOL But again, I am not bingeing!
Hope you are all fine out there, sticking to your plan or making a new plan, or at least understanding why you are not on plan. Keep trying, keep going.

I completed my second week training to run 5k. Today I finished my third run of the week, in very cold weather and under a drizzle. I was Rocky Balboa! I felt very proud of myself, because last year at that hour in a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon, I for sure was curled in bed, watching TV and eating cookies. This time, as soon as my kids went to their dad’s, I put on my sneakers, a raincoat, and there I went jogging. I still don’t know what made me change so much. What I do know is that now I can wear clothes I had kept hoping that some day I would lose weight. I am even wearing pants I had never worn before, and which had been waiting in the closet for years! I am finally making it…
I would like to lose some pounds, but fortunately I am being sensible. Winter is a difficult time to maintain, plus my job is stressful, plus I am entering perimenopause, so it would be unwise to force myself to go on losing, if eating 1200 cals just allows me to maintain. I cannot eat less than that, so if I don’t lose, probably I shouldn’t, at least for some months.
By Sept 1, supposedly, I will be running 5k. Then, if I can, I will reduce carbs –not cals– to see if I can lose a bit more.
But it is alright as it is. It is the first time in my life I have a maintenance plan… Challenging enough, right?

Last weekend I came across this program on the Web, and I have been wogging as suggested: I walk about 100 m, and then jog another 100. I thought it would take me a lot to get used to it, because the first two times I ended up breathless and with aching lungs. But today I wogged for the fourth time, and to my surprise it was not difficult at all. The feeling afterwards is marvellous! I felt energized and younger and stronger! My lungs responded without aching, and now I am ready for my second week, which implies longer stretches of jogging. Now I am sure I can do this…
Dieting was similar to this: I had always wanted to lose weight and I could not do it, so I got to believe I couldn’t. I always wanted to be a runner, but it was so difficult for me to get past the first 100 m that I thought I couldn’t. Now I know I can do both: I lost 22 pounds (practically 20 % of my weight), I am maitaining (!!!) and I am “training”!!!
So my expectations are higher now: not only do I wish to maintain for three months (till September 1), but also to be able to run my 5k by the time I finish maintaining and start losing again. I would like to lose four/five pounds more, and now I know I CAN DO IT!
After what? 35 years of failing? I CAN DO IT!

I am supposed to be in maintenance for three months, but:
– I am afraid of eating too much and gain weight, so I keep eating within the 1200-1300 range.
– I started wogging with a view to really running 5k by September, which is more exercise than I did these past months.
Consequence: today I noticed I lost two pounds, which comes as a surprise but not an unwanted one! I tried on my thin pants (dating back to last century) and they fit well! So, I am practically at my thinnest since what? 1990, maybe? I was thinner than this, but during highly stressful –divorce related– times, so those lows don’t count. This is my thinnest being well fed and in control of my eating.
I am starting to discover forgotten bones in my hips (under a nice padding, but they are there!) and in my knees (didn’t remember those). So, I will celebrate this… wogging!

So I am trying to steer my way into maintenance waters. I am quite afraid to eat more than I should and gain weight, so I am slowly incorporating some little splurges: some pork yesterday, a little piece of cake. I am also trying to incorporate more physical activity, but that is very difficult for me because I don’t have much free time. My doctor told me that exercise should be taken daily as if it were a prescribed medicine, but it does not sink in, not yet. I had two very long walks this week and I hope to have another one tomorrow. Maybe three long walks a week is a good start, I don’t know.
What amazes me is that I am not embarrased about my body any longer. I used to wear a lot of clothes in winter –sourthern hemisphere here– and even in summer so as to cover my hips, but now I walk about in jeans or pants and though I know I could look better, I also know I am quite fine for my age (47), so there I go, not trying to conceal anything. I never thought I could feel comfortable walking among a lot of people in pants and a jacket.
I is also great to get up and not panic over what to wear. I just pull out what I want to wear and don’t fear, as I used to, that it would be too tight or that I would not be able to zip it up.
Now that it is getting cooler here, I see I have to discard or alter a lot of last year’s clothes, since they look baggy and I even find them too “old lady” for my figure.
So, these are the things I am starting to discover: winter can be enjoyable if you don’t put on weight –as I used to, every year for like 30 years–, and your body may be a comfortable place to live in, if you feed it well and don’t live to eat.
My intention is to stay at 52 kilos / 114 pounds till Sept. 1, and then see if I want to lose more. I know I feel “pretty” (how silly that sounds!) at around 47-48 kilos / 103-105 punds (I am only 5 ft tall). I also want to keep binge-free for ever! I know I may relapse any minute, but I have not binged for five months now, and that is starting to give me some hope that my eating disorder my be finally becoming a thing of the past. If BED means bingeing at least twice a week, then I don’t have it any more! Anyway, the “wiring” is there: when I feel frustrated or lonely, my first thought is still food. As I have no cravings, that first thought is easy to discard, but it is there, which reminds me that we are never fully cured.

I still cannot believe it, but I lost all the weight I intended to lose! I have not binged since New Year’s Eve, and it is the first time in my life that I can eat healthy, be in control and lose –slowly but finally!– 10 kilos without ever quitting for almost 5 months.
I still need to lose some more weight to feel comfortable in a bathing suit, but I want to learn a new lesson before I lose some more: I want to learn to maintain and exercise regularly. I thought about maintaining through the winter, and starting again in spring, and only if I still want to lose more. As I never maintained low weight, I do not know what my body will do if I don’t start bingeing again. Will I continue losing, more slowly? Will the exercise make lose some more? Or maybe not! Will the shape of my body change with exercise and maintenance? Well, it is a new experience for me, and I am 47! I wish I had been able to be this balanced when I was younger –I think my life would have been very different– but I am happy I am able to learn new tricks even though I am (almost) an old dog. There is hope, people!
So, I will be publishing here my progress as a maintainer for some months. Hope it does not get too boring for occasional readers. The plan is to up my calories to around 1350 –I am on 1200– to see what happens, and keep at that level through June.
Reporting back to you soon!

Surprisingly, I lost quite a lot of weight over a week, not doing anything different. It is a proof that no matter your age, it is possible to lose, though it may take longer. Just one kilo less and I will go into maintenance for the winter, which is a huge challenge to me.

Today I freaked out a little. Because of my work schedule, I take a break in the early afternoon –watch some TV, visit this forum, etc.– till I go back to work from 5PM to 11Pm –yes, crazy schedule. My trigger time used to be 3 to 4 pm, while watching some tv before getting ready for my evening shift.
These past four months I never ever ate between lunch and tea, and then I had a late dinner at 11pm.
Today I found myself eating whole wheat bread with sugar-free jam, at 3 pm, while watching the news. WTF??? Four months without eating at that time, and there I am, chewing bread???
So I thought, this is it. This is the moment when I start going down the slippery slope, when I start visiting the forum to remind myself of what I used to do and cannot do any longer, the moment when I start gaining my 16 pounds back.
Well, no sir! I went to work, came back and had some chicken breast, and that was it. I did not go over my 1200 cals, and though it was a high carb day, it was ok…
So now I think: what is the difference between this time of the year last year and now? Not much, but a lot: tons of work to do, with a lighter body and no food to take refuge in. And most importantly, I don’t need to take refuge anywhere!

Though I am “more normal” than last year, the binge-eating wiring is there, intact. I just need to learn how not to turn on that machinery…

During the summer –in the southern hemisphere– I wondered all the time what would happen with my eating when the cold weather arrived. Though in the hot weather I could eat well and even learned how not to binge –I know I will always be a binger, anyway–, I feared the moment when the nippy air would make me need to eat. As in the past I always put on weight during winter, I thought that it was the cold weather that made me eat more calories, and that putting on weight as a consequence was unavoidable. Well, I am getting to see that is not so. Nippy air and all, I am not more hungry than I was in the summer, and though I do eat more hot food than before, that food does not need to be high calorie food. Yesterday I ate out and I ordered a spinach and egg sandwitch –it was not wow, but it was ok–, and then I made vegetable soup and have been drinking that… So, one more discovery: it is possible to be in control when it is cold too.

I am not losing any weight, though. My ticker is still at 54, but I gained a little –for no apparent reason– and have been stuck at 55 during April. I do look thinner, though, so I do not worry. If I can keep eating healthy all through the winter, that will be a huge achievement for me. This weight is fine, though 52 would be better –I am very short–, and maybe the weight will fall slowly if I keep at it… That does not seem to matter that much now. What I do care for is control and health. The peace I get out of eating like a normal person is invaluable, having been a binger since times immemorial.

Hope you are all doing great!

I have gotten so used to eating right and not bingeing that I think I have really changed a lot of habits. Even my family see me differenty: yesterday evening they ordered takeout for me –I arrive home very late in the evening– and they ordered a vegetable omelette rather than the meals I used to order. I am not losing weight –I lost two pounds in March, and nothing else so far–, my clothes fit better and I am now wearing pants I stopped wearing in 2006.

I know I could be doing more: I could be exercising more, eating more fruit, lots of things. And what makes this more evident and at the same time puzzling to me is that people I know who always did a lot for their health –the right weight, yoga, etc.– are getting sick because of viruses or strange diseases… I really don’t know to what extent we can control our health. A bit disoriented here… A taste of mortality, maybe. So, what can we do to live well, not to get sick? Is it that we do all we can and then God, nature, chance or whatever you believe in does the rest?