Is this time different?

In maintenance since June 1, 2012

 

Steering on

So I am trying to steer my way into maintenance waters. I am quite afraid to eat more than I should and gain weight, so I am slowly incorporating some little splurges: some pork yesterday, a little piece of cake. I am also trying to incorporate more physical activity, but that is very difficult for me because I don’t have much free time. My doctor told me that exercise should be taken daily as if it were a prescribed medicine, but it does not sink in, not yet. I had two very long walks this week and I hope to have another one tomorrow. Maybe three long walks a week is a good start, I don’t know.
What amazes me is that I am not embarrased about my body any longer. I used to wear a lot of clothes in winter –sourthern hemisphere here– and even in summer so as to cover my hips, but now I walk about in jeans or pants and though I know I could look better, I also know I am quite fine for my age (47), so there I go, not trying to conceal anything. I never thought I could feel comfortable walking among a lot of people in pants and a jacket.
I is also great to get up and not panic over what to wear. I just pull out what I want to wear and don’t fear, as I used to, that it would be too tight or that I would not be able to zip it up.
Now that it is getting cooler here, I see I have to discard or alter a lot of last year’s clothes, since they look baggy and I even find them too “old lady” for my figure.
So, these are the things I am starting to discover: winter can be enjoyable if you don’t put on weight –as I used to, every year for like 30 years–, and your body may be a comfortable place to live in, if you feed it well and don’t live to eat.
My intention is to stay at 52 kilos / 114 pounds till Sept. 1, and then see if I want to lose more. I know I feel “pretty” (how silly that sounds!) at around 47-48 kilos / 103-105 punds (I am only 5 ft tall). I also want to keep binge-free for ever! I know I may relapse any minute, but I have not binged for five months now, and that is starting to give me some hope that my eating disorder my be finally becoming a thing of the past. If BED means bingeing at least twice a week, then I don’t have it any more! Anyway, the “wiring” is there: when I feel frustrated or lonely, my first thought is still food. As I have no cravings, that first thought is easy to discard, but it is there, which reminds me that we are never fully cured.

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On June 2, 2012
At 7:10 am
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