Is this time different?

In maintenance since June 1, 2012

 

It is better to be older

I don’t have much to tell, but anyway I want to remain accountable and here I am, after some days of not posting. I have been thinking that it is so much better to be older –at least as far as eating is concerned.

I have not lost more weight, but I have learned to be very patient with the scale. Last time I plateaued it took me a month to lose again, so I go for my second month… I learned to think in terms of months and not of weeks. When I was younger I used to think “I want to lose six pounds next week”, and now I say “I want to lose two pounds next month”. When I was younger I always regained what I lost and could not stay on track for more than two weeks –most of the times I started on Monday and quit on Thursday. Now I can proudly say I have been on track for three months, not bingeing once, not feeling deprived or anything. If I ate something “forbidden” one day, I just moved on, went back on plan immediately after the slip, and kept going. That is my victory… It is not weight related –seven kilos in three months is not that bad, though– but life related: now I know I can eat and stop when I am not hungry any longer, that I can go without food for some hours if my options are not healthy –I can wait till I get home, I mean–, that I will feel fine if I have to speak in front of a lot of people, that I am able to finally do the most difficult thing I ever had to do: eat well.

So, it is better to be older, sometimes. You find your balance, you know what makes you tick and what makes you sad, you know where you are heading. You learn to think about today, just today: make the most of the day, be the best you can today, do good to others today. Live as there’s no tomorrow, but staying healthy and not asking food to do for you what you should find somewhere else. It is not good entertainment, it does not do the difficult tasks you are postponing, it does not give you the love you need. It just feeds you.

We need to find affection, to have fun and to obtain our little achievements. We all need that. But food is not the answer…

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 31, 2012
At 3:46 am
Comments :1
 
 

I forget, and still I am

I forget I am on a diet, but I still remain on plan. I mean that I do not feel deprived, or hungry. I eat food I like –lean meat, whole wheat bread, rice cakes, vegetables, cheese and yogurt–, I lose weight so slowly I don’t notice and neither does anyone else, I work as usual, relate as usual, worry and rejoice at the same things. Only that the food is not there, nor do I care.
So what has happened? Has healthy eating become a habit? Has my “food mentality” changed? Has my body chemistry changed? While on holiday I was afraid I would fall off the waggon when back at work, but that has not happened. I fear now that when winter sets in –southern hemisphere, Fall is drawing in– I may find it difficult to keep away from more “nourishing” –read “fattening”– meals. But somehow, I know that won’t happen: today I felt hungry at tea time, but I was so focused on what I was doing that I kept postponing tea till dinner time, and then I ate frugally. So, my comment could be philosophically summarized as:
I think (a lot has changed in me) and therefore I am (a different person!). What is most amazing is that this happened as from New Year’s Eve, staring with a New Year Resolution to get healthy. I had promised the same thing so many times before! May 2012 be the year when I grow out of bad eating habits and become a healthy woman!

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 24, 2012
At 6:00 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

Finally bought tights!

When early this morning the scale said 55, I thought it was a dream. I am very short, and stopped growing at 13 or 14. My weight when I was 17 was 47, and I felt fine with it. My lowest at high school was 45, at which I looked great, but found it very difficult to maintain. So, when I reached 62 (age 47), I decided it was wise to think of 52 as a goal, and then try to maintain throughout some months, regroup and see if I needed to lose more. I have lost 70 % of my extra weight, then, which is quite a lot!
My greatest problem is not so much the amount of fat, but the fact that most of it is around the hip and thighs, which makes it difficult for me to wear jeans or pants, not to mention tights. I only wear pants when it is very cold, and always with a coat. I felt fine with pants when I last weighed 52, which made me choose that number as target weight.
I was so very self-conscious about the shape of my body in pants or tights, that I did not own any gym clothes, which kept me away from the gym. My exercise consisted of walking, and I did that in dresses and sandals, flip flops or boots, depending on the weather.
As a reward for not bingeing I bought myself a pair of running shoes some time ago, but could not bring myself to try on pants or tights.
So today, after seeing the amazing 55, I went to have breakfast with a friend and then found myself visiting a sports shop and looking at gym clothes. I tried on two tights and ended up spending a little fortune on very nice tights which do not look terribly bad on me. They are soft, dark gray, extremely comfortable, and I could show myself in public with them! So, news is I am getting to accept my shape and to dare show it. A lot of our wellbeing depends not so much on the scale but on how comfortable we feel in our bodies and when in the presence of food, don’t you think?
Well, hope you are all doing great!

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 21, 2012
At 8:01 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

The scale has moved!

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On
At 8:44 am
Comments : 0
 
 

Sooo patient!

Is there a prize or a reward or at least a hug for somebody who has been eating always around 1200 for the past month and has not lost a single kilo? OMG, I am so tired! But I will keep on eating healthy and waiting for the scale to move.

I have to acknowledge I am at my lowest in five years and that this weight (56 kg) is quite fine. I still don’t like the way pants fit me, because I am short and my thighs are plump, so I need to lose 4 kg to feel better about my clothes. I suppose it may take till the end of June (as Calorie Count predicts) to lose that extra weight.

Compared to the struggle that people with a lot of overweight go through, my plight is really stupid, but to me it is important, since I could never feel comfortable in my body. Now at least I can control my overeating, which is a tremendous success, but the fat is still there and I am too self-conscious to go to a public pool or to even wear tights to a gym.

So, I have to congratulate myself on my self-control and my patience, but not on my weight loss! Two our of three! LOL

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 15, 2012
At 9:20 am
Comments : 0
 
 

Three weeks and counting

I have not lost weight in three weeks… I had a glimpse of a lower weight one day, but next day I was stuck at 56 again, as from Feb 17. It’s my TOM, so I suppose I will lose something after it is over, but how hard it is getting to lose one little kilo! One kilo will be probably all my loss in a whole month.  When I was younger I would have just quit, but age teaches you to value other things: the feeling of control, of being strong physically and spiritually, of never feeling cloyd or sick. So, no great victories to write about, but just the usual commitment to health and to myself. Moving quietly on!

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 11, 2012
At 1:05 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

What is right with me?

I may be running the risk of eating the wrong number of calories, but I am not counting them strictly as I did during February… I just eat more or less the same every day, depending on how hungry I get: yogurt or fruit for breakfast, some lean meat or skim cheese and veggies for lunch, some crackers during the afternoon, and repeat lunch. I am not losing a lot of weight, but it’s my TOM, so I am just being patient. I suppose that the scale will go down in some days, as usual.

What motivates this post is my astonishment at how “natural” my eating has become. I remember trying to go on diets all my life, starting every Monday and ruining it on Wednesday. Now one dieting day is easy and moves slowly by, while life is about something else: studying, meeting people, working. Food is so much in the background that my life feels lighter, less troubled. I see people eating at work –eating sweets and cookies– and say no thank you to everything they offer me. I see people buying sodas, and I buy water.

My question has changed from “what is wrong with me?” to “what is right with me?” Nothing in my life has changed that may explain the new place food has taken. The only thing which changed is the place of food, but I cannot explain why that place has changed. I thought that my food was all wrong because my life was wrong. I am coming to think that the problem was the food, which made my life miserable, and not the other way around.

I weigh in every day, but as the scale does not seem to move and I am in no hurry, I am not obssessing over it. Is this like being normal?

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 9, 2012
At 6:56 am
Comments :1
 
 

The way others see us

Though I am feeling a lot stronger physically and spiritually mainly due to my newly found self-control, and though the scale says I lost more than 10 % of my weight and clothes fit better, nobody yet has told me I look thinner. I found a co-worker staring at me the other day and when our eyes met she pointed at my upper part and said I looked thinner, but I dismissed that because I am not and was not fat in my upper part… That was the only comment I got.

Yesterday some people posted pics on Facebook and I could see myself for the first time as others would see me, not the way I saw myself on the mirror. And I could compare some old pics and those new ones… And I could not believe how much it shows! My body is much more balanced now, and even my face is like prettier –I am not pretty, but I look better now. I was really surprised to see this, because I did not expect to be able to trace my weight loss in Facebook so plainly and not to get comments…

So now I know people must have noticed and are saying nothing. I wonder why… Is it because I am their boss and they don’t want to sound like apple-polishers? Who knows! Anyway, it is a NSV!

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 6, 2012
At 4:16 am
Comments : 4
 
 

And finally, a reward

After weighing 56 kg for almost three weeks, after struggling yesterday with a neverending hungry day, today I wieghed in and discovered I weigh 55. I have not weighed this for around 5-6 years, so it is a day to celebrate! I am only 3 kilos away from my goal, which may not look much to taller people, but we shorties/oldies find it very hard to lose, and 3 kilos really show on us. My intention is to maintain on 52 for several months and then try to lose a couple more if I think I need to. But losing 10 kilos and maintaining would be fantastic for me, since I spent my life losing and gaining always for emotional reasons: I lost weight whenever I felt too bad, and then when I felt only bad or good I ate like crazy. Now that I can eat sort of normal –and go through hard days like yestarday– I feel capable of doing so many other things! I feel empowered, willing to help others along the journey and I am even considering buying gym clothes!

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 5, 2012
At 5:11 am
Comments : 0
 
 

Most difficult day so far

A little update: my itching has disappeared, my weight has been stable for practically three weeks –I am so patient…– and I have not binged since New Year. With the exception of the plateau, everything seems to be fine. One of my objectives is to learn to be in control and to stop binge-eating, and I am achieving that. I have lost 6 kilos and need to lose 4 more, but I am in no real hurry, since I prefer control over weight loss. So, that’s the update.

But today I felt really hungry all day. I ate whole wheat toast, cheese, tuna and tomatoes, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I have to keep my intake at 1200 cals and as low carb as possible, and though some time ago those cals were difficult to reach, now they seem so few! I may be a little stressed out because I am working 24-7, but I need to find a way to vent that does not include food. I should do some exercise, but –funny as it may sound– I don’t have appropriate clothing for the gym yet. What do you wear to the gym? I am a bit self-conscious about my thighs, so I don’t like sweatpants or tights… What else can you wear?

Well, I promise. On March 10 I should buy myself something, since I reward myself every two binge-free weeks. I will get gym clothes. Don’t feel good about trying that on, but well, I will be thinking of you when I do it, chicks!

Filed under : Uncategorized
By susana
On March 4, 2012
At 12:32 pm
Comments : 0