Is this time different?

So I started to train seriously to run my 4k, but on my second day (with one rest day in between) I did not even get to run 3k. And I used to run 7k with no great effort! So what is it?

It is the first time that I train and diet (1200 cals) at the same time, so maybe it’s that?

I am 48 and started to run at 47, so maybe it’s that?

I had not drunk water before I started, and my belly was a bit “distressed” from eating chick peas and a lot of fruit. My blood pressure went down a little during the run because of that… Maybe it was that too?

So discouraged!

I will up my calories a little and take two days to rest between runs, and I will have to take up the gym, which I hate, to tone my upper body. That sucks! But I want to run those 4k, because I started to run on June 4 last year, so this race would be my “running birthday”. Hope I can make it and not get in last!

Yesterday I enrolled for my first race, a 4k race that will take place at the end of the month. I leaped to the opportunity because now I can easily get to 4k, so at least I know that I will get to the end, though I may get in last. One of the “effects” of this enrollment is that my eating has become suddenly “cleaner” and my habits have improved suddenly. No junk food at all, better sleeping hours, consciencious training… Wish me luck in the race, but especially in the training, which is proving to be a new experience for me!

May is proving to be a memorable month: I started to go out to the cinema and to concerts on my own, and now I am training… I feel so much better!

I had some crackers for breakfast, and for lunch 3 slices of vegetable pie. They were one too many, as my stomach seems to shout in its bloating. I am a bit stressed because this is going to be a hard work week, so that may have been the reason for the extra slice. Bad.

But on the flip side, yesterday I went to see a Portuguese movie I liked a lot, and I went on my own. I had some extra time to window shop for furniture and knick knacks, so I really enjoyed myself. As I was standing at a shop window I overheard a couple discussing furniture. She was preassuring him to buy something to start organizing their home, and the poor guy was trying to postpone things… It is good to be alone, if dating means that…

That’s all for now!

My bad eating habits are rooted in a genetic predisposition –coupled to an upbringing that made me want– to overeat –my drug of choice– and to some emotions that make me feel so bad that I run to the fridge for comfort. Those emotions are generally frustration and loneliness. I have very demanding parents who never seem to appreciate my achievements, I have extremely difficult co-workers who are ready to point out every mistake or weakeness I may be guilty of, and I have been divorced for ten years, without a couple since then.

So, loneliness is long, frustration usual.

I have been finding ways to fight both. As to loneliness, I am trying to enjoy it. I used to complain that I could not go out because I didn¿t have a date and myy friends are not always available, but last Sunday I decided to go to a concert on my own. That was  a first! I loved the experience, did not feel lonely at all, and sort of enjoyed the possibility of being the “mysterious lady in the crowd”. This evening I will hit the movies on my own too, to watch a Portuguese movie.

As to frustration at the workplace, I am slowly taking leadership positions and my difficult co-worker starts to agree with my proposals. I need to get her respect to feel better, because I really respect and admire her, but in hierarchy I am above her… Difficult!

As to academic frustration, I suppose we need to get used to it, working at university. It is a very demanding place, where you need to study a lot for your work to be acknowledged. Getting used to it too!

I am confident that these new behavious will make me feel better… Reporting soon!

Today my son and my daughter in law came to town and I made a chicken dish they loved. I ate too, though it contained corn and cream. Then I had a scoop of icecream, and that was it. I could control myself and did not overeat… They brought cake as a gift, and it is still there, untouched!

Tomorrow I will run my 3 miles, and then work, and then see if I can catch a concert in town. I am quite happy about these days, in spite of the workload. I feel calmer now that I know I can order my eating… Hope you are all doing well too!

I have been trying to reorder my eating and I have lost 4 pounds in a week. I did not expect this sudden loss, so I feel really rewarded! I introduced only small changes so far:

No sweets.

Eat only when hungry.

Not eating sweet things has already changed what I crave for. As we tend to crave for what we generally eat, I started to think of fruit rather than of sweets and other junk like that.I just need to make sure there is a store of healthy food at home.

As to being hungry, in my system it is related to a small rumble, a small discomfort. If I am eating little fat, that is way before growing dizzy or weak. It is just the symptom of an empty stomach… I like “constructing hunger” in this way because it makes it depend on a physical sensation and allows me to grow conscious of my body, binding eating to the body and not to emotions.

I am not cutting on anyhing else for now. If not eating junk and eating only when hungry makes me lose, that is more than enough! I need energy to go on training, so I can eat a bit of everything –even pizza and fries– as long as I don’t eat for emotional reasons.

I remember now that these two determinations (no junk, no emotional eating) were the first I made a year and a half ago, when I started to lose and lost around 20 pounds. I think it is a good idea to modify behavior slowly not to feel deprived… What do you think?

I have just read this question in one of the forums, and as someone else answered it, I just pondered about it. I am still pondering…

Is it feeling dizzy, is it a rumble in the stomach, is it meal time? How out of contact with our bodies we are! Right now it is meal time, I know I could eat if I had cooked something, but I am interested in this post that I could also wait for another hour to eat. If I had not been reading that forum, I would probably had eaten earlier… Was I hungry earlier? Not as much as now!

So, is keeping busy the key to eating when we are really hungry? Is boredom such an enemy to us, disordered eating people? I will keep pondering!

If you read the post I published almost a year ago, you will see I was starting to maintain and to jog. After that my internet connection got busted and I tried to continue my program without writing here.

Lots of things happened: I went on training, and now I can jog for more than an hour. I love doing it! It was hard and I never thought I would make it –I started jogging at 47, and I am 48 now–, but here I am, running about 6k twice a week.

That allowed me to keep most of my weight off –regained a little–, but I am not eating as well as last year. Yesterday my internet connection was finally fixed for good and here I am again, trying to go back to better habits. I need to regain control over emotional eating, for example, and to make sure I don’t binge.

I got used to being thinner and love it, but I think that being in control is much better than being thin.

My new goals:

Fight emotional eating and bingeing.

Lose the little weight I put on in the past year. I would like to weigh 50 kg on June 1.

Run 10k.

I was about to write “Wish me luck!”, but I prefer this: “Wish me willpower!”

It’s been an eventful month. I lost two pounds –four, but I regained two–, kept eating between 1200 and 1300 cals, trained according to the C25K three times a week, did not binge, had my clothes altered. So far so good.
But I also discovered I still need to learn lots of things –I listed some in my previous post–, and especially I have to grow spiritually. I am still jealous of my co-workers and sometimes too proud, and though I try to tame that jealousy/pride combination I get really pissed when they give me orders (WTF?) or when they get credit and I don’t. There is somebody in particular who drives me mad, because she bosses me around –though she is not my superior– and because she works so hard –probably 16 hours a day, and not from home as I do– that no matter what I do it is never as good as what she does. I don’t want to spend my life working, but I am good at what I do and don’t make mistakes… So the other day I did not agree with her and she stormed out of the office, and then came back to continue our meeting. When the meeting was over, she said that she did not want to work with me any longer if I kept contradicting her… Really stressful. Fortunately other people have the same problem with her, which makes me think that I am not that wrong, but I still think I should not make her mad. What makes her mad is seeing that I think on my own and do things she is not doing –she is jealous too!–, and reacts aggressively. I am jealous, but just breed it within and don’t attack people! Well, it is not easy to work together, but I have to learn how to work with her and with other people without getting anxious or angry.
Luckily, the anxiety and the anger are not making me eat.

I am now jogging 3.5 minutes without stopping! I could never jog that much! Last week I thought I would not make it because the effort I had to make was huge, but here I am, jogging in the park, watching the birds in the morning, feeling an enormous sense of achievement.
I have lived some hundred meters away from a beautiful park for 20 years and I rarely visited it. Now I am going there every other day, and I am slowly learning my way among the winding paths, the ponds and the bridges. Jogging gives me a lot of peace, and is helping me keep slightly below my maintenance weight. Now that my muscles are harder and there is less fat to complain about, I got into the habit of taking care of my skin more systematically, so I think that soon I will even dare to wear a swimsuit! I have not bought one in around 15 years…
Why do we wait so much to make these changes in our lives? When I started this blog I thought of giving it the title “Is this time different?” because I doubted it would be different this time. Now I know it is, and a lot different: I could never stick to a food plan for six months before, I could never undertake an exercise program seriously, and I kept bingeing and then trying to fast –I never could fast, by the way–, so I could say I waited for around 35 years to build the habits I believe in. Why this long, I wonder? My youth is over and I did not enjoy it! I guess I had to learn many many things before I could build the habits I believed in.
I still need to learn a lot: to plan meals, to choose better, but also to be more politically aware, to manage my time better, to read more. Maybe the key to success is that! Not to think only in terms of food and exercise, but in terms of learning, of growing!