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Day 8: Jeans

Here’s what I got:|jeans&NOffset=0&Ne=4294957900+29+3+1031+596+591+593+1011+1010+1013+18+904+833+949&x5view=1&N=4294953708&Nao=0&PSO=0&CmCatId=external|71580&sa=1

All in size 6… short. Meaning I’m short even by petite standards -.-

What do you guys think of them? I mean on a girl in HS? I think they’re pretty cute ^^. I need to snag a few more pairs so what ones are the best (and colors)? I like the jcpenny’s one the best but my mom think’s its weird so I’m not getting another one of those haha. For my fellow petite friends out there- what jeans do you like?

Do any of you guys have any suggestions for fall tops? I can do juniors or petite… or a misses extra small. I’m finding I like Kohl’s stuff.

Also I’m actually not clothes obsessed. It’s just back-to-school shopping and trying to find cute fall stuff for my chubby short self always gets me in a frenzy. I’m not getting any taller either. ūüėõ

I’m trying to recover from my awful binge yesterday as you probably know. I didn’t really go on plan today. I’m going to try to easy back into it. No need to toss myself in the deep end. I find drowning in food usually brings the kind of result I don’t like.¬†I’m going to do my best to pick myself and move on. I need to focus on back-to-school shopping. I also need to reread the summer reading book and study for the pre-calc/algebra 2 test that I’ll be taking my 1st day back. Pretty rough eh?

And to abluvion- a :hug: and much love to your for your support. ūüôā

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Day 7: Sick of Being FAT

I am so so tired of being fat. I’m tired of waking up and trying to find a shirt in my closet that actually fits me. I’m tired of¬†not¬†being able to look in mirrors. I’m tired of feeling the self-hatred. I’m tired of the lack of control. I’m so tired of the bingeing. I just want it all to stop. I binged really bad today. I undid all the work I did thus far on my journey. I feel like crying. Was this all my resolution chalked up to be? Was that really all I’ve got?

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Fighting…bingeing…more fighting

Most summers have a tense and rather rough end. I suppose we’re all sick of each other from spending 24/7 for a few months all in the same few rooms. I wouldn’t know. I¬†usually¬†keep to myself the best I can. I do not fit in with them nor am I wanted by them so I’m perfectly content being left in my room to myself. I binged to get out the pain from the flashback I had last night. And thus I commenced to the after-binge mode…¬†commonly¬†known as self-pity mode. Then the self-hatred mode. And then the self-destructive mode. Then I tried to think things out the healthy way. Which as you might imagine would include me¬†spending¬†several hours on my own trying to sort out¬†the¬†various things troubling me.

I,¬†unfortunately, forgot to unload the dishwasher since I was focusing on not having a panic attack. As one would imagine this is not the kind of thing I would want to explain to my mother first thing in the morning. Not that she actually knows about any of this. I’m actually quite diligent in my chores and don’t cause and squabbles and keep to myself. The nature of the majority of my family ¬†is to be rather short tempered. I prefer to stay out of it. I have no desire whatsoever to get involved when they begin to fling insults at each other over¬†frivolous¬†things. So shutting up and doing what you’re told usually keeps me out of the worst of it.

Well I forgot to do a chore. Which is understandably a reason for one’s mother to get irked. However despite my honest efforts to apologize and do it right away, was a trigger for her to go all out on the rage.

She started yelling at me that I never tried at anything. I didn’t care about anything. And that I didn’t appreciate anything that was done for me. She said that I was lazy and that I shouldn’t treat her like she was a b*** as she so delicately put it. And it was all my fault and that she’s been telling this to me for years and I never care.

Let me be the first to say she’s actually somewhat right. I don’t care. I honestly don’t care. And she has been telling it to me for years. And nothing changes. Nothing will change. And caring has nothing to do with it. Do I care about dishes? Honestly- no. Do I care about folding¬†washcloths? Honestly- no. I do care if my family functions or not. So I do it. I do it not only out of obligation but because I care. Caring about unloading the dishwasher won’t change anything. In her eyes I will never be good enough. I will never be smart enough or beautiful enough. That’s all right. In the end it’s all irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if I have her acceptance or not.¬†Regardless¬†of her ability to see my efforts or that I do actually love the family doesn’t change anything. And no amount of apologizing for my short comings or holding my¬†tongue¬†will change that.

In reality if she ever found out why I forgot about my chores this morning… I don’t think she would love me. And on some level it might hurt her too. So I’ll never tell her. She’ll never know. But in the end I know the truth. She shouldn’t love me. But she doesn’t know. So it doesn’t matter. It does to me. I care. I’m sorry mom. I care. I’m sorry you don’t.

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Day 6: Rain and Resistance Bands

I just noticed a lot of my blog titles have alliteration. My 9th grade language arts teacher would be proud.

On topic now. It rained so hard today I couldn’t get out. I went shopping with my mom and my brother. I somehow ended up trying to find my brother jeans. I eventually ended up looking around the mall myself. Here’s what I got!

Something like this but in a pink:

And this in pink and blue:

These shoes:,4,shop,shoes,flats

I kind of shocked myself getting things in pink. But I actually felt good being able to get a medium. I’m really glad I managed to go to the mall. All my fall stuff from last year is pretty much shot. Also…. I’m ashamed to admit this but it doesn’t fit. I needed the flats for debate and my current ones are literally about to fall apart. That’s what wearing them 6 months straight and in rain does to them I guess. It was worth $25 though.

My resistance band (Reebok heavy braided) was great for bicep curls but I couldn’t do the shoulder presses without being afraid I was going to hurt myself. I borrowed my mom’s¬†Pilates¬†band to do the workout that came on the¬†DVD¬†inside the¬†Reebok¬†box. The medium one was much more useful for the workout. If I chose to just do a few moves I’d apt for a stronger one. Since I’m not¬†incredibly¬†experienced¬†and my form isn’t¬†perfect¬†I want to make sure I’m not tearing up my muscles. If I hurt my shoulders or arms or wrists in any way I wouldn’t be able to play piano. Even after it heals there is a chance my arm wouldn’t go back to normal. Until I get my friends inspection I’m not going crazy. My friend is nothing short of the female hulk. She’s crazy strong. Runs a 5 minute mile and can pole vault with the senior prodigy. (Let’s call her P) P, as you can tell, is well informed and I trust her opinion and her advice on the band workouts.

Bottom line- I suggest resistance or¬†Pilates¬†bands to both novices and the more¬†experienced people out there. There are quite a range of “weights” for the bands. If you’re really out of shape or just starting get yourself the light band. If you’re somewhere in between try a medium. If you lift weights on a regular basis and are strong get a heavy. This is what I’ve heard: light= 5-10lbs medium 10-15lbs heavy 15-20lbs and the super bands or the extra heavy are 20-25lbs. ¬†Also for various exercises there are ways for you to change it to fit your ability level. For bicep curls (my favorite) stand on it with one foot instead of two. For shoulder presses give yourself more band. It’s not to hard to find a way to make it easier. Anyway if you have any questions comment below. I’ll ask my friend the next time I see her!

I didn’t do so well today. The fudge didn’t help to much haha. Although I must applaud myself for showing more¬†restraint¬†than I would have previously.

Consumed: 1000

Burned: 50

Total: 350

Not to bad but needs some improvement.

And cookies to ScreamingFatGirl and gertie for their wonderful support and input! Thanks guys!

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Day 5: Shopping!

Went out shopping with my mom today. Picked myself up a resistance band. The heavy one. We used them in school and they really kick your butt. So so excited to start using my band! Tomorrow I’ll try it out. Anyone want to share any of their moves? I’ll make sure tomorrow I update and share it with everyone!

Here’s how I did today!

Consumed: 970

Burned: 0……

Total of… about 330 down! Not too bad I guess since I didn’t work¬†out¬†today. Running from the dog yesterday killed me. And my ankle. It’s kind of sore. I’m hoping it’s not anything to worry about!

Okay I posted this in the forum but I feel I should¬†re-post¬†on my blog since I’m using my blog as a place for me to track my progress. I feel that besides the physical progress I should track the emotional progress too… so here it is.

“I started losing weight and changing how I look on the outside but I realized that I need to do some fixing on the inside. I’m losing weight at a steady rate but…. it’s not making me feel any better about myself. It feels as if it’s useless- since no matter how flawlessly slim I look I won’t be happy. I really want to change this attitude. I’ve had it for the past year and it’s just getting worse and worse. I want to be happy and beautiful. I’m looking better but I still feel the same as I did when I started. Is there any way I can help my mind heal like my body? There’s no point of me looking good if I don’t feel good on the inside… A few people told me therapy would help but…. that’s not possible for me right now. Is there any way I can help myself? Any suggestions would be wonderful. Or anything that worked for you. ūüôā Thank you so much guys it means a lot to me.”

Um… here’s the link if you’d rather post or view comments there…¬†

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Day 4: Running Rottweiler

Just when I thought I couldn’t run any step further the heavens proved me wrong. A rottweiler from across the street hurdled off it’s porch and galloped towards me snarling and growling. I turn just long enough to catch a¬†glimpse¬†of a foaming mouth and that’s all it took for me to get some motivation. I heard a lady scream “Donner” or “don’t run”. I couldn’t honestly tell and I wasn’t going to stand around to find out. So there I was hurdling over¬†recycling¬†bins and putting my back into it….and then it got worse. I cut the¬†corner¬†of someone’s yard to gain some more distance. I managed to ditch the rottweiler- great right? Then unfortunately the yard I cut through had another dog…. again not on a leash. Luckily this wasn’t nearly as big as the rottweiler nor as fast but I ended up sprinting down another street before I was dog-free. I don’t think the ¬†2nd dog was going to bite me but I really wasn’t going to stop. Plus I did deserve the 2nd dog. I mean I ran right¬†in-front¬†of it on it’s territory. Nothing like a dog chasing after you to get your heart pumping. I was actually relatively productive. What a way to burn 200 calories right?

Here’s how I did today!

Consumed: 1060

Burned: 200

Total: 440!!

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Day 3: Dinner Downfall

At lunch I had a whole wheat wrap with TONS of veggies. I did really well. And then dinner…. I won’t get into the specifics but let it be know that I overate by a lot. Dinner seems to be a common pitfall for me. I’m going to make sure I understand how much each of the food I eat is worth before I eat. I grossly underestimated the calories in most of the food.

In total I overate by about 337 calories.

I took a break today from my walks since my shin was hurting. It feels fine now so tomorrow I’m going to work extra hard! >:D I’m going to first time my mile…. and then perhaps my longer walk/jog (hopefully mostly jog).

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Day 2: The Inoculable OWS

I have a very tragic announcement to make. My dear frenemey has contracted an awful case of OWS. OWS is a very¬†infectious¬†syndrome that results in one word text responses. I risk an infection, as it were, if I should respond. One can only answer so many texts in a witty and snarky manner. Especially when the recipient feels obligated to randomly topic hop and respond with “oh”. Due to her unfortunate illness I decided to go on an extensive 4.6mile power walk around my¬†neighborhood. I listened to some music an¬†worked¬†my butt off. I finished in an hour and some change. Not shabby eh? 330 calories burnt. Guess OWS isn’t too bad.



Tofu and veggies 300


Brownie 190

Milk 60

Veggie Burger 250

Total: 800cal


And lets add in my 4.6 mile power-walk. 500+330=830. Booyah.

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Day 1: Strong Start

Guess who walked (with mini jogs) 3.4 miles? I didn’t even feel like Big Brother was watching me. I did it because I wanted to. I don’t know how I did that. I just DID. I was planning only a fast walk for 2.6 miles but… I had energy to burn so I was like “heck with it” and went the extra step further. I didn’t go to fast however. 4mph was my average. Not terrible for my 1st time- and speed shall come later. But after I got back home and freshened up a bit I felt amazing. Like I feel so good right now it’s not even funny. I feel strong and relaxed. I think I’ve found myself a new hobby!

BMR: 1300

Calories Burned: 291

Calories Consumed: 1050

1300-1050+291= 541

I’m slightly over my 500cal goal today. I want to make sure I’m burning 500 more cals then I’m consuming so I’m right on track. I didn’t end so well today. I really splurged too much at dinner since I got emotional about a few things that have happened today and recently. Tomorrow I’m going to start clean. I’m looking forward to my walk tomorrow.

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Day 0: Random Rant

Tomorrow I will embark on my journey to achieve health and¬†happiness! This journey won’t end however. It is a lifetime journey of health and happiness and self improvement. I believe that through this journey I will improve myself both physically and mentally and live my life to the fullest. Hence the blog name… “Blog for Life”.

Since I want to note the changes throughout this journey… I’ll start with stating where I’m at. I’m 1* right now; I’m going into 10th grade soon enough. Five foot two and some change and 127lbs. For a lack of a better description of myself… I’m your chunky nerdy art¬†fanatic. So here’s the deal. By the time my next birthday comes around… I want to stop looking back at some really awful stuff that happened in the past and become a whole new, better person.

Here’s what I want to achieve:

1. I skipped a year in math and landed in Pre-Calc honors. (Which is notorious for screwing people over GPA-wise) Most people get C’s or D’s in honors Pre-Calc. But is that going to be me? No. I’m going to end with an A. That’s right Pre-Calc. I dare you to try and trip me up.

2. This year your gym scores actually count. As in if your mile time sucks so does your grade. So I figured it’d be an awesome time to step things up a notch in the athletic department. Moreover from now¬†on-wards¬†your chunky nerdy girl is going to get slightly less chunky. And a heck of a lot stronger. Maybe a resistance band workout? I LOVE those. Not sure how to exercise my legs with them though.

3. Another fitness goal! 100 push-ups program, 200 sit-ups program, and the 200 squats program shall be under my belt.

4. In my school we have a very sacred class known as “Honors Art” where the elite art geeks gather and create awesome stuff. This year, I shall be apart of it. If I get the class anyways….

So sing to me of the girl, Muse, the girl of brains and brawns, driven time and again off course, while she plunders¬†the hallowed heights of school. While I have not figured out what I shall be plundering or what odyssey lies ahead of me… may my own personal muse help me record this journey!

Note: Throughout my blog I will not be using people’s true names. I will change people’s names and other private info at my discretion. I will also keep my location and true identity¬†anonymous to preserve my own and others¬†safety¬†and privacy.¬†¬†To protect myself I will not be giving out my exact age. All you need to know is that I’m in my teens. Also I will not be showing any pictures of myself for the¬†foreseeable¬†future to keep myself safe. So don’t ask for any. The internet is a great place but there ARE creepers out there. Also I LOVE comments but I will delete comments that encroach on my own or other users integrity or¬†well being. So please, keep the comments kind,¬†respectful, and moderate your use of language. In short: no threats, no badmouthing and absolutely no stalkers or spammers.

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