well…
here I go again.
recommitting to once again eat healthy, exercise and love myself for who I am.
It’s all bullshit. I was honestly working through my issues with food, eating what I wanted and not rewarding or punishing myself for what I ate…but when you already weigh 265 lbs gaining 15lbs is a big deal. I refuse to get any higher than I already am. I said that at 180, 230, 250 and now and god only knows what. I’m going back on the SBD. I know it works for me. It limits my caloric intake, my portion size and I lose those damn sugar cravings I don’t even enjoy. Maybe if I’m successful, and I can get back down to 180 or 160 I’ll reconsider retrying intuitive eating and readdressing my emotional issues, but I can’t do it right now.
I need to lose weight now, I’m concerned with my health, the possibility of type II diabetes and damage to my joints. My sleep is being affected and my joints ache now.
I go to the beach in three weeks. I hope to have lost between 15 and 20 lbs by then. If I eat what I am supposed to, and pay attention to the calories, and I exercise for 30 min a day, with weights 3-4 days a week I should be able to do it.
Filed under: General on July 7th, 2011 | No Comments »
It has been a long…
a very long…
a very very long week since I last posted. I’ve rocketed between feeling successful and productive to being wrung out to the point of breakdown. I’m tired and I’m strung out on chocolate and pizza. The ONLY thing that has kept me from curling up into a little ball and sleeping for a week is the numbers clicking away at my hip. I know I think better when I move so it should be no surprise that walking helped but when you are so stressed that joking about jumping off a building is relaxing logic doesn’t seem to help much.
But the pedometer helped. If I finish the day with less then 5000 I feel like a slug. I hope that next week I can bump that number to 6000 and so on until I hit that 10000 step marker that I strive for. well actually weightloss is what I strive for, but until I stop masking my stress and emotions with pizza and chips I’m going to continue gaining weight so the very least I can do is start getting enough exercise to combat the fat.
So for the record, I think this has been the most successful week so far, I’m feeling pretty good about most of the numbers.
LAST thursday: 6761
friday: 3169
saturday: 5117
sunday: 1000
monday: 4076
tuesday: 8392
wednesday: 9500 (so close!)
and so far today I’m at 1505. I’m really tired, so today might end up being a low day, but I’m feeling pretty good about the way that things are turning out so far.
Filed under: General on April 7th, 2011 | No Comments »
so I’m still feeling stressed. Still not eating right. So my craving for sweet lead to the consumption of a slice of cheesecake and 1/2 a batch of chocolate chip cookies sans the chips. (def. not my proudest moment). But it gets better. I can kind of blame that on TOM and not getting enough protein. My grocery cart on the other hand has no such excuse. My trip to the grocery store last night ended up being a binge in it’s own right. I don’t even remember my thought processes as I put stuff in my cart. Tootsie rolls, gummy worms, chips, cheese, two types of cookies and kale? What on earth was I thinking?
The truth is I wasn’t. Not even a little bit. I’m not sure how I feel about the process. Maybe I should start clipping coupons so that I only buy stuff thats I have a coupon for or that’s on sale.
Now…on to better news. I move more then I think I do. I really actually think that getting 10000 steps in won’t actually require that much extra work from me. Now for the last two weeks all I’ve done at work is walk to lab and back to the car and then a few rounds of laps around the rabbit warren of halls near my office. Other than that I’ve been sitting and reading.
So as a re-cap: Sun: 2872.
Mon: 5162
Tues: 5001
Wed: 5017
And so far on Thursday at 10 I have 1374. I’m going out to lunch so I’ll have two rounds of the garage walk to deal with which may or may not be a good thing…
Filed under: General on March 31st, 2011 | No Comments »
well this was not my favorite weekend I’ve got to say.
I spent all day saturday in a binge/fugue state. I ate and I slept and the ate and slept over and over from around 9am until I went to sleep for the final round at 10pm. I felt awful. My body ached. My stomach hurt and I was emotionally rung out. Every bite just hurt a little bit more and I couldn’t seem to stop. I would say that at the most I move maybe 400 steps on Sat.
Then last night I had a dream. I was standing in front of my committee for my prelim and I had nothing to say. I couldn’t answer any of the questions. I wasn’t prepared.
and that I think was the impetus behind my binge. It was a terrible loop of destruction. Each bite I took I could ignore how much work I had to do. I could ignore how non productive my friday was. So instead of getting up and out and being productive, I wallowed at home and ate two pizzas.
I was more productive today. I went into lab and got through the papers I should have done Friday. I found six more to read so hopefully I’ll start feeling more prepared and less insecure.
As for weight loss…my food is no good, and I started TOM so we’ll have to see how is goes…amazingly I’ve been craving super sweet which is new for me. Hopefully I won’t go overboard with cravings.
FRI:7305
SAT: 300
SUN: 2872
Filed under: General on March 27th, 2011 | No Comments »
Well I’m still feeling like a failure when it come to work, but I’m feeling a little better about the exercise.
Food wise I might as well be a garbage can. Dinner last night was in order: tootsie rolls, burned onion rings(I can’t use the broiler), macaroni and cheese and twizzlers.
I just don’t want to eat healthy food. I wouldn’t say I’ve binged on the crappy food, but I know better then to eat it. I just need to get myself back under control and hopefully I’ll be feeling better.
As for my steps, I was right that 6,000 was out of reach for wednesday. In fact all I got was 4004.
Thursday 5373 (thats more like it)
Fri: Well so far I have 4461 and it’s only 1PM. So maybe I’ll actually make it up to 6,000.
Filed under: General on March 25th, 2011 | No Comments »
So the time that I’ve been dreading since I started grad school is on me.
Qualification Exams.
Do I have the mental acuity, knowledge and creativity to design my own research project?
No.
I’m so freaked I’ve had to seriously consider the fact I might fail. Really fail.
On a more relevant note. I’ve purchased another pedometer. This is a much nicer pedometer that I think is reliable. I can also clip it into my pocket and it doesn’t make a lot of noise.
Monday I did 4480 steps.
Tuesday 5011 steps.
I’d like to make it to 6,000 today, but it might have to wait until after April 6th. Of course the ultimate goal is 10,000 steps. Thats the recommended number for weight loss. I figure anything over 5,000 is more then I get on a regular basis so I should be seeing results in short order…well sort of. At the very least I can stop feeling like a failure in EVERY aspect of my life.
Filed under: General on March 23rd, 2011 | No Comments »
so here I am getting fatter and fatter each day and I can literally feel myself slipping back down into the hole I swore I was done with. I shredded my fingers to the bone hauling my fat ass out of that dark hole and now not only am I going back to it, but I’m building a slide to help me get there, lubricated with pizza grease and ice cream. I know mentally what my issues are.
I can think about them.
Write about them.
Imagine what my life will be like without them.
But talk about them out loud?
never.
So I’m going to try and change that.
Filed under: General on March 14th, 2011 | No Comments »
I’ve never classified myself as a person that suffers from depression, I have had my dark times but I don’t think that I was classify as a DSM depressive. But at the same time I can track my weight gain and losses to times when I am feeling depressed or lonely. When I first started college I was out every night, spending time with people and building a new life. I lost 50lbs. It wasn’t a healthy loss but I’ve never been able to replicate the loss since then. I started gaining the weight back as I buckled down and spent more time alone. My friends paired off into couples and I spent even more time alone.
Now here I am at 26 and I’ve gained it all back plus another 30lbs. I binge eat and spend far too much time alone. I like being alone. I am an introvert, but there are days when all I want is to go out and see and talk to people. Sitting in a coffee shop as an observer isn’t enough. I want to interact with people. and when that urge gets too intense I turn inward get depressed and wonder why no one loves me and then proceed to eat food
lots of food
food that I don’t care for, that makes me sick, that I wan’t allowed as a child.
I was to lose fifty pounds and begin taking martial arts lessons. I’ve wantd to since I was a little kid and now I actually will.
Filed under: Uncategorized on March 7th, 2011 | No Comments »
that’s how i’m feeling.
I spend so much time by myself. i’m gaining again and feel sick and sad and worthless.
i want to hug someone that loves me…but i don’t have anyone.
Filed under: General on March 6th, 2011 | No Comments »
So I realized why I’ve been so wonky this and last week…TOM started last night. It helps to explain some of my reactions to stuff and my lethargy.
I ate lots of food last night. But I was seriously at a hunger scale of like 1.5…my next attempt is to clean my kitchen throughly. One recommendation is conscious eating. Sit at the table, with full place setting, napkins, centerpiece and candles. No loud music, no book, no distractions. Taste eat bite, be fully aware of the food that I eat. So this weekend I get to walk 10 miles, and clean my kitchen like nobodies business. I also want to buy cloth napkins and a centerpiece, maybe real flowers or nice looking plastic ones from Michaels.
Dinner: 8:00PM
Scale 1.5
1/3 loaf french bread (thought about it for hours)
spreadable brie
roasted broccali and cauliflower
turkey cold cuts
cinnamon buns (a mistake as I wasn’t physically hungry for them…I was frustrated with trying to explain my feelings to my BF, and the fact that she didn’t seem to understand, and once again I turned to food for comfort instead of facing conflict.)
Breakfast: 8:25 am
scale 2.5
bread and cheese
It was a good choice, I didn’t want my normal toast with pb…fresh bread is better.
Lunch: 11:15 am
scale 3
mcdonalds –>small fry and mcchicken.
The mcdonalds on campus is closing and my friend and I decided to do a farewell. It was a mistake. I don’t like fast food. I like salt.
Filed under: General, Homework on January 28th, 2011 | No Comments »