I lost .8 this week. Yep. That’s it. Freakin’ .8 of a pound. WTF? Really that’s IT? Yep.

This is the conversation I had with myself this morning as I stepped on the scale, then off, then back on again to double check the numbers.

I am disappointed. But I’m not giving up. The .8 did tip me over the top – and I’ve officially lost over 10 pounds now. I’d hoped for about twice that amount by now. But 10 pounds is still 10 pounds. If I had gained 10 pounds I’d be freaking out – so I’m going to celebrate the opposite. It isn’t JUST ten pounds – it’s TEN POUNDS.

And, hopefully next week I’ll show a loss that is worth of a hare instead of the tortoise. 🙂

Why is Everything a Competition?

Why are men so competitive? Last night I was telling my boyfriend that I’d lost almost 10 pounds. Instead of saying, “Wow, that’s great! I’m really proud of you!” His response was, “I’ve lost 6 pounds this week without trying”. I know guys lose weight faster/easier than women AND he’s bigger than I am so will lose weight faster anyways….so it isn’t the fact that he lost the 6 pounds without trying that bothers me…it’s that he couldn’t acknowledge the work and effort it was for ME to lose the weight. I have been perfect for the last two weeks. I have not gone off program at all. I am down 9.6 pounds as of this morning. I think that’s pretty darn amazing.

Not noticing any difference in my looks. But I have started to notice a difference. My belly feels a little flatter. And a big plus…when I went in to the office last week I was able to go up and down the stairs without my knees killing me. So at least in my book, I’m a winner.

Multi horned demon

It really sucks to be a woman. When they gave that ‘talk’ in 5th grade and told us about how wonderful it would be…they LIED. That ‘magical time’ is really a raging demon with multiple horns. What else would cause you to crave chocolate AND make you emotional AND cause water retention and bloating? That’s like a triple whammy.

I didn’t sleep well last night thanks to a basset hound who hogs the bed. Then woke up and stepped on the scale – to see a pound gain. Then worked all day. By end of the day I was so irritable that every noise felt like fingernails on chalkboard. I went outside to sit by myself and REALLY wanted to make a drink to sit and relax with. But I didn’t want to drink my points/calories so I couldn’t even have a drink. No chocolate and no alcohol AND PMS? This just ain’t fair.

Within Points But Not Best Choices

Today I am easily within my allowed ‘points’ but I certainly haven’t made the best food choices.  As long as I don’t do this regularly then it’s ok.   The hard part is my brain wants to say I’ve failed – give up.  But I really haven’t failed.  I AM still within my points range for the day.  And certainly for the week.  But it is TOM and I really want to eat everything in sight.   I was driving down the road and I’m calling out the name of every restaurant I passed.  Obviously I’m hungry.  I ate fruit when I got home but I am still hungry.  I haven’t had any protein so that could be part of it.  Cereal w/milk for breakfast and breadsticks with red sauce for lunch and grapes/tangarine for a snack.  Am going to make breakfast burritos for dinner.  So there will be plenty of protein there.  Hopefully enough to tide me over for the evening. 

Successful Week

All in all, I think I’ve had a very successful first week.   I am very proud of myself.  As of this morning I was showing a 7 pound loss for the week.  Of course I started my period so I’m afraid tomorrow’s weigh-in may not reflect all the hard work.  So I’m going to claim it tonight.  🙂

Success and Failure

Today was an experience. Went out to dinner with BF and he chose a Chinese Buffet place. Compared to the ‘old days’ I think dinner was a success. Although I’m sure if I was looking for perfection then it’d be a failure. I choose to see it as a success. I drank only water (yay), I ate a plate of fruit before moving on to food (yay), I only ate half a plate of food (rice and different types of chicken), and I had a small serving of soft serve with the smallest slice of cake. I have no idea how to count it in Weight Watchers so I just chose a value of 20 points for the meal. Hoping that is high enough but not too high for what I had. I left comfortably full and in times past I would have been STUFFED to the gills. So yes, even though I probably could have not had dessert – I still consider today to be a success.

Tomorrow I have a bridal shower to attend and Saturday I have a wedding. Hoping not to get derailed.

What people take for granted…

As I was driving home from dropping my son off at school this morning I was thinking about my friend K who had weight loss surgery about ten years ago. Her’s was not a perfect surgery and she came very close to dying. Yet, if you ask her today – she has no regrets. Why? Because she can LIVE her life.

Some of the things I am looking forward to that I think others take for granted:

Easier traveling (last time I flew I pretended my seat belt fit and hoped nobody noticed)

Enjoying traveling (last time I vacationed I spent time with heat on my knees and still didn’t do nearly what I wanted to do)

Sitting comfortably (without chair arms or seat belts digging into me)

Being able to cross my legs

Being able to shop for clothes in a regular store so I can go shopping WITH other ladies

I am sure there are lots of others but these are the ones that are off the top of my head. These are the ones that affect the quality of my life every day. I feel like I can’t LIVE. I really do want to be active. I want to try ziplining. I want to ride a motorcycle. I want to go sightseeing. I want to travel more. I want to feel confident in myself. I want to feel like everyone isn’t looking at me. I want to be able to go out to eat and not worry at all if the chairs are rickety. And the list could go on and on.

Hopefully I can use this list to motivate me. I am not getting any younger. I need to enjoy life now or it will be too late.

Newness wearing off

The first few days of a “diet” or “life change” is easy because you are excited about it. But after a few days the newness wears off and that Reeses Peanut Butter cup starts calling to you. You put it in the fruit tray and bury it under oranges and apples and grapefruits, oh my! But I still hear it calling my name.

When the kids get home from school I think I will point them towards the Reese’s cup. 🙂 But this is just the beginning of the journey. It is always a decision to choose the good option over the bad. Weight Watchers does allow you to have anything in moderation – but moderation and I are not compatible. At least not in the beginning. I’ve found, in the past, that once I am entrenched in the program that I can enjoy a treat and stop at just one and keep it within the daily limits. But in the beginning I know it will throw me off program and I will quit entirely. So, for now, I will be perfectly well behaved because I know the consequences. Sorry Mr. PB Cup.

Starting Over…Again

I feel like I have been here a zillion times in my life. So, what has led me here? I think there are several reasons and without addressing them I can’t make long term changes.

First off, physical. I was a beanpole child – but puberty hit and the weight piled on. It wouldn’t be till my 20’s that I discovered there was a biologic reason – polycystic ovarian syndrome. A main underlying problem with PCOS is a hormonal imbalance. In women with PCOS, the ovaries make more androgens than normal. Androgens are male hormones that females also make. High levels of these hormones affect the development and release of eggs during ovulation. Researchers also think insulin may be linked to PCOS. Insulin is a hormone that controls the change of sugar, starches, and other food into energy for the body to use or store. Many women with PCOS have too much insulin in their bodies because they have problems using it. Excess insulin appears to increase production of androgen. High androgen levels can lead to acne, excessive hair growth, weight gain, problems with ovulation/infertility, and depression.

At 20 I went on a diet called the Rotation Diet – where you ate very few calories and changed how many calories you had as intake each day. The idea was you could eat low calories without your body ‘setting’ itself at a certain expected calorie range. It touted a loss of a pound a day. The calorie range was 600 to 1200 calories per day. In addition I either walked or jogged each day. The diet did work and I did see a 1-2 pound loss per day. I dropped from my 220 starting weight down to 173 – a size 20 to a size 10 – in no time flat. But, due to the very low cal diet – I ended up with gallstones and had to have my gallbladder removed. Somehow, having a ‘normal’ weight for a year was worth the 10K it cost me for surgery.

Secondly there are emotional reasons:

Because I had always been overweight – I really hadn’t dated much. When I was 20 and feeling good, I was thrilled when I got asked out on a date by a guy I worked with. That date ended with technically being date raped. I still consider it being molested but by the rules of the law – any penetration by any object or body part is rape. He held me down and threatened to kill me and leave me in the desert. The next day I reported it and when the police showed up at work he’d taken all the money from the cash register and disappeared. This experience left me not wanting to stand out. I didn’t want men to see me as attractive or sexy. I think sometimes I use my weight as a protective suit.

I also use food as a healer when I’m feeling depressed or sad. I see food as a reward and use it to sooth any emotional ailments. I honestly think this goes back to childhood when we weren’t allowed to have sugar or sweets at all by my Dad. When he’d leave town my Mom and I would go to the grocery store and fill up the cart with items normally not allowed in the house. So when I’m feeling down I feel like I deserve a treat – something normally not allowed. I know I’m an adult now but I really do think the emotional component of this lays in childhood.

I eventually had another very successful run at weight loss when I was in my early 30’s. I lost about 80 pounds following Weight Watchers and doing a lot of walking. I even completed a half marathon. I maintained the loss for a couple years and thought I finally had it down into a lifestyle. But then my Dad got sick with cancer and I cared for him while he died. I went back to my comfort and started gaining weight again.

And here I am ten years later – I am at my heaviest weight ever. I want to just give up because dieting/lifestyle changes haven’t worked in the past – but giving up is obviously not working either. When I give up I just keep getting bigger and bigger. The bigger you get the harder it is to just live your life – let alone live it enjoyably. So, here I am again. I think my mind is in the place it needs to be. For now, I am just making some small changes (less soda, less junk food/fast food, etc). Working on getting Weight Watcher’s plan back in place. Will probably try out some new apps that didn’t exist last time.

My favorite quote: “Success is getting up one more time than you fall down”. Raising my glass of ice cold water in cheers, “Here’s to Success”.