slipstream becomings

good:

i am planning and journalling food again

i think my cold is gone

i am in love with all the local greens and delicious things coming out of the ground around me

the girl and i had a fabulous weekend

better:

i am 18 pounds less than i was when i started

i love moving. i have achieved the goal of craving movement

i am looking forward to writing, once i finish reading some more

flip turns are back!

there is a lightning storm happening right now that is fabulous

best:

i can see real change

i haven’t felt despair in weeks

i am full of gratitude. i try to remember with every breath

i am starting to believe i deserve love. success. happiness.

that’s the best part. oh, how i want to hold on to how i feel now. i never ever want to feel as badly as i have for the last two years. never ever again. please please please.

i inserted the earphones dry, with the extra small caps on them and they more or less stayed in! it made a world of differenc eto my workout to have tunes to push me through the tough bits.

so i think i’ll keep the gizmo after all.

i also think this cold has finally relented. i did flip turns today (and crappitycrapcrap the bulkheads ae fixed and we’re swimming short course) but i didn’t cough or snot TOO much. a little. and i’m still stuffy in the morning, but i figure it’s on it’s way out. what a bastard rotovirus that was!

i’ve been a little more lax with the sugar treats and am now suffering craves for terribly good but awfully bad yummy things. so i guess i need to step right back. i’m not ready for moderation if it’s going to spark those kinds of physical cravings. they are icky.

i got the doctor to weight me today. 233. so i probably didn’t weigh in properly. now i know. and it’s fine. 

we also talked about meds and stuff. i told her i am actually feeling 100000x better. she said it makes perfect sense that 5 weeks in i would be experiencing the benefits of exercise. she recommends vitamin d and a grow light when the hours of daylight start to fade. amazing. and PHEW.

really.

this road is long. i’m travelling on it.

and i’m almost done shelley. no really. i am.

this cold is on it’s way out, but it’s still haunting me.

and i am fighting a rather terrible battle with depression, almost scaring myself a lot of the time.

so i’ll go to the doctor tomorrow and get a thyroid screen and some other tests, as many as i can, and then we’ll see. if i don’t start feeling better soon i’m going to have to get some pharmaceutical help i think. we’re going on almost two years, and it has to be over. soon.

i cut 300m out of my workout today, partly because of time and partly because i just feel like shit. no flip turns, and i couldn’t find a rhythm. and i was coughing during rest and the pool was crowded and i was late….i still swam for an hour, logging 2200m, but it wasn’t quite a victory.

on the good side of self- care today i got some summer clothes and some very badly needed new bras.

tomorrow will be a better day. it has to be.

today’s swimplan was the first one to have sprints!

i am tired. and again i wrestled with myself and pushed through tired. and i swam as fast as i could, which probably wasn’t very fast but no one was timing. i was huffing!

and i totally perved the ubersexy swim guy in the lane over. i am a dirty old woman.

i also learned that this luxurious long course swim availability is due to a mechanical problem with the bulkheads. i am going to campaign vigorously to get an evening/afternoon long course swim session added, as the 6 am slot is utterly  impossible for me with the girl et al.

(and i got some writing done. i’m hiding this in brackets so as not to curse it.)

i am starting to see how i could live everyday with fewer ww points, where i could swap out certain things, where i need a boost and most importantly, what happens when i don’t eat when i need to.

CRANKASAURUS!

now if i could just sort out how to wake up happy at about 6:30am….

thanks to some seemingly powerful over-the-counter cold medication i feel almost human.

swimplan upped my workout today. and like everyday as soon as i saw it i thought “oh blargh. no way i can do that.” and of course i’ve been quite sick since saturday so as i was swimming and feeling tired i kept thinking that part of taking care of myself is taking care of myself. so i should only do 12×100, not the 15 on the new plan. yeah. because that’s not cheating, just maintaining last week’s pace.

then that damn quotation from the side of the coffee cup started screaming in my ears. i may not be committed to school. i may not know how i am going to finish this degree and still afford go to teacher’s college. i may not really have a clue how i’m going to keep the car on the road and pay the rent and send the girl to day camp or anything else past today, but i know that if i can commit to this one thing - if i can solve this physical fitness/fat issue and learn to love myself and take pleasure in being again all that other stuff is sure going to be a lot easier.

so i kept swimming. 

i kept coaching myself to make each stroke smooth and long and strong. not to let the water slip. not to get sloppy, breathe rhythmically. fast, strong flipturns. every. single. time.

week 3.

isolde - 1  surrender - 0